2012 – My heart is breaking

In the early spring of 2012, my boyfriend and I were coming to an end and my heart was just breaking. Instead of texting him or bothering any of my friends with what was going through my mind after 5 1/2 years of being with this man, I typed it all in to the notes section of my phone.

March 3rd, 10:16pm ~ Saturday night and I think I am doing a good job keeping myself busy. But, you are crossing my mind. This is when I have to be strong and remember that those three little words can be spoken, but unless there is action, those words don’t mean anything. And I know that you love me, but I don’t know if it is out of habit or if you truly do. I wonder how far you will go to prove your love. I just want you to be with me. More than in just presence, but to truly be WITH me. I want to be your friend and your support, and I want to feel like you are listening, not looking around elsewhere, making me feel like you are waiting for some better conversation to come along.

March 4th, 1:47pm ~ I feel like I am hurting. Not to sit and cry. I feel like something is missing. I am here at my son’s first baseball game and you are supposed to be with me. We are supposed to be a part of each others lives. But, honestly, I don’t feel like you would be here anyways, and if you were, I wouldn’t enjoy myself because I would be so worried if you were bored or not.

March 5th, 10:16pm ~ I feel good right now. I felt good today. I think it helped that Kelly wasn’t at work today so I stayed extremely busy. I did think of you when the boss and I went to lunch. We went to Ocean Cafe for lunch and it was such a beautiful day! At one point, I saw your client, Michael Fisher walking through looking for someone. I don’t know if he saw me or not, but I knew that if he was waiting on you perhaps, I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. I put away that thought and told myself I would deal with that if it happened. I met the girl that John is taking to Prom. Something was said and I said something about you and realized that I said boyfriend. What was I to say with him sitting there? I haven’t said anything to him. I just need to get out of the habit of talking about or referring to you.

March 12th, 3:06pm ~ I left work on Friday to run home and grab some xanax. I couldn’t deal with the pain / anxiety anymore. Friday was rough. Too many songs on the radio that had me thinking and remembering. Sunday was hard. I contemplated going walking on a nature trail. I was going to tell you I was going and if you would like to meet me so we could talk, that would be fine. I was more afraid of you coming up with an excuse than not knowing if you would show. Sad, huh? I ended up sending you a text asking how you were doing and you seemed to care less. After my doctor appointment today, I should have been texting you to tell you what he said, and then I realized that it wouldn’t even make a difference to you. You won’t change. Maybe for someone else, but not for me. All you see in our relationship is the bad. You don’t see the good or even remember how you used to enjoy spending time with me. How we used to have lunch or go grocery shopping. How you used to come over and we wold actually laugh and play the Wii. You blame not doing anything on being in a rut. Well, you can’t come out of a rut by not doing anything. But, if that is really how you want to enjoy life, laying alone on the couch, I hope you find that person that will do that with you. I want to enjoy life; not my couch.