women – Swimming With The Rain

Life

Masculine Energy in Women

April 27, 2023

Based on that title, you are probably thinking, “Whaaaaaaat?”

I totally get that. A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’ and thought it sounded intriguing, only to move on with my life and not give it a second thought. Until, a few days later while listening to a podcast about ‘The Office’… Melora Hardin who plays Jan Levinson (Gould), was asked why her and Steve Carrell (Michael Scott) had this weird chemistry and why did she think that Jan was attracted to Michael.

Melora explained how Jan was very independent, focusing on her career and climbing the corporate ladder. With Michael, she could let down her masculine energy and just be more feminine.

I am a huge fan of ‘The Office’ and while the Michael and Jan storyline was always fun to see, her explanation made sense. Plus, with it being the second time in a week that I had heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’, I figured it was the universe’s way of telling me to look in to this.

So, I did. And it was a lightbulb moment, or as Oprah likes to say, it was an “Ah-ha!” moment.

Do you relate to any of these below?

Woman with too much masculine energy in love relationships:

Difficulty expressing yourself
Come off as aggressive, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling
Always in charge of arranging dates, making plans with others
Giving unwanted advice
Telling men that you don’t need their help
Trying to portray extreme independence
Problems with intimacy (receiving pleasure)

I have been single for a very long time, and I have learned how to take care of myself. Yay for the independence, right? I also have a tendency to tell men when they try and do things for me, “Shockingly, I have survived the majority of my life without you.” When I say this, I am not trying to come across as rude, I am wanting to make sure they are aware that I am not one of those needy women and I will take care of myself.

But, here’s a secret, I’m tired of trying to be so self sufficient.

troubled young woman near broken automobile in countryside during car accident

Woman with too much masculine energy in relationship with herself:

Disconnected from your emotions
Self-worth based on outside factors – material success, other people opinions
Overly self-critical
Always planning and organizing
Masculine body movements, posture, walk

I was honestly a bit surprised that “always planning and organizing” fell under a masculine trait. Then I started looking inward and realized that I have been the planner for so long that I am nervous when others do it. It’s not that I feel the need to be in charge, it’s just that if no one else is going to step up, I will get it figured out and done.

Another secret, I’m tired of always being the one to plan.

Woman with too much masculine energy in friendships:

Not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with feelings
Afraid of building deep connections
Appearing aloof, cold
Trying to impress, coming off as bragging
Difficulty with close physical affection

Some people will say that I have no problem with sharing my feelings and in some instances, that is true. I am an open book on some aspects. However, when it comes to my complete true feelings, I am not comfortable with sharing my vulnerability. Why? You will use all of that against me in due time, when you are tired of being friends with me. So, it’s easier to put on the persona of being “tough” and then I don’t have to worry about whether our friendship will last or not.

Third secret… I love nothing more than genuine conversation that involves being open, learning about another person, and creating a connection.

So, here we are wondering WHY a woman may experience too much masculine energy.

Having a mother or other female role model with too much masculine energy – Maybe you grew up with a mom that had to make all of the decisions at home while being the disciplinarian. If this is you, you grew up thinking this was normal.

Experience abuse or violence as a woman – Of course we are going to put on our protective armor now.

Living in a society that values and rewards masculine traits more than feminine ones – I lived in the South for over 20 years and surrounded by the military. Men = Respect. Women = There to take care of their man.

Taking on too many masculine roles in order to survive (e.g., being the breadwinner, single parent, taking care of others) – As a single mom without family near, I took care of myself and my children. There wasn’t anyone to take care of me. I had to set my feelings aside more often than not. If I hadn’t, I don’t know how I would have made it through life.

Time and again, a woman will exude masculine energy as a defense mechanism. Being raised in a dysfunctional home, experiencing childhood trauma, or feeling abandoned may cause women to put on the masculine energy shield like a medieval night puts on his armor… To protect our hearts.

Although masculine energy may appear as positive attributes such as being driven, hardworking, and independent, when it becomes our default way of thinking, we deny ourselves the proper care, soul nurturing, compassion and true connections that we crave. When we deny ourselves what our souls desire, we can become quite harsh and unyielding, as we protect ourselves too much.

If you related to any of this like I did, the lightbulb in your head is probably flashing and you are nodding your head in agreement. This is where you get to do your own searching as your journey is unique to you.

For myself, I started with a simple change…

I spoke up and told the man in my life that he needs to make more decisions for the week. This was suggested to me by a friend and it is two-fold – He gets to be the “man” in the relationship and I lessen my worries of disappointing another with my decision. I am one of the lucky ones that happens to have a man that is very easy going. While it is truly a blessing, there are a lot of times that I am the one stuck with making the decisions because he is okay with whatever I decide (within reason). Many women would prefer to be the decision makers, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.

If you are tired of always having to put on a tough exterior to show the world you are okay, it is okay to finally take your mask off. Be you. Find the person inside of you that you forgot about… Nurture her… Be your true self. As women, we shouldn’t have to act like men to accomplish what we want. There is power in being feminine. Be you!

Health & Spiritual

How a pill organizer made me feel old…

May 11, 2021

I have a Sunday morning routine that is a MUST, and it is my weekly reminder that I am getting older… I fill my weekly pill container. In my 20’s and 30’s, the only thing I was concerned with taking on a daily basis at the same time every day was my birth control. Now that menopause has visited, that is no longer a concern, but if I don’t have my daily dose of Potassium, my hands cramp up. It is what it is, I guess…

In my early 40’s while still popping birth control like candy, my blood test came back showing I was low on Vitamin D. While already taking Blood Pressure pills, it wasn’t that big of a deal to open those bottles. Then life would get busy and I would wonder if I had taken my daily dose before or after making coffee. Birth control packaging is awesome with the days listed, because let’s be honest, I would rather of had a stroke than an accidental pregnancy at that age. (If you are getting offended at that, you’ve never been in that situation.) But now I have to take Vitamin D on a daily basis?!? Come to find out, Vitamin D is basically a sunshine pill… Studies have shown that most people are low and can benefit. I personally think it helps with my mood, but it is known to help with absorption of calcium and since I don’t drink milk, I need all the help I can get. There are also so many other health benefits and easy on the stomach.

Slowly, I was accumulating a row of pill bottles… Birth Control, two different Blood Pressure pills, and Vitamin D. Allergy meds and Ibuprofen were kept elsewhere because surely I didn’t need them that often. And then, allergy season arrived and I had a massive asthma attack that landed me in the hospital, so my Zyrtec and Ibuprofen became a part of my daily routine. By then, the birth control was gone thanks to early menopause, but trying to figure out all of these meds and when to take them (and did I take them) became frustrating.

While researching asthma and what vitamins can help, I came across Magnesium and it is almost like a wonder drug! Since asthma is all about inflammation, magnesium helps to reduce that. It also helps with depression, aids in sleep, and several people in my weight loss support group swear that it helps with fighting constipation. CHECK! Magnesium has also been added.

Zinc was also something I kept on hand and if I felt like a cold was coming on, I would start taking. I learned about this years ago from a co-worker that swore by it. I know that some will say that it is an old wives tale, but if something works, I’m going to go with it. Each time I was sick or my kids, zinc was added to the cold meds handed out. I finally decided that I would add this to my daily regimen because the last thing I wanted was a chest cold while being asthmatic. To all of those that thought I was crazy, tell me why zinc was in high demand when Covid started becoming an issue… Through the years when I have caught a cold, it is always after I have been out of zinc for a week or so. So, yes… I truly believe in zinc.

A few years ago, I noticed that my hands would cramp up for no apparent reason. My thumb and my index finger would almost touch and stay in that position for no apparent reason. Not to mention charley horses randomly through the night that would cause words to come out of my mouth that would make any sailor proud! One day I had a flashback to being out at Crab Island and my feet cramping uncontrollably and all I could do was bury push them down in the sand until they would relax. It then became a “tradition” to have a banana prior to heading out on to the boat for the day. Wait! Don’t they sell pickles at the ball fields for players to eat? Yes! Because of potassium and to help prevent cramping. Guess what… Potassium was now added to my basket of meds.

Then a bit of deja vu… I saw all of the pill bottles that my grandparents had sitting on their pink tiled bathroom counter… (I used to think that was the ugliest bathroom and now that brings back so many memories.) I wasn’t ready to be that old. I didn’t want to feel old. I didn’t want to need meds, vitamins, preventative care, maintenance care. But, here I was. There I was in Walmart and it’s as if lights started flashing above the medical supply aisle… Not only did they have weekly rows in different colors, they had a weekly AM / PM pill box!!!! (Angels singing)

So, here I am filling my weekly pill bottles feeling old… Something I had to learn while taking these meds, when to take them. Since magnesium can also aid in sleeping, I take that at night. Also, zinc needs to be taken with a meal or it can bother your stomach, so I take that at night. Basically, my “minerals” which includes potassium, are taken around the time I eat dinner. I have found that taking allergy pills and Aleve in the morning and night, helps to reduce my allergies which is a blessing to my asthma.

Why am I sharing all of this boring information? We’re getting older… It is okay to have these conversations with friends, but sometimes we might feel embarrassed to share that we take a pro-biotic to help with stomach issues. Funny how we will discuss this in an online forum with strangers but we don’t share with our friends or family how we take care of ourselves. Find the combination that works for you and get started on taking care of yourself!

I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be one on tv. If you have any questions about meds, please talk to your own health care provider and do your own research.

Books

Daisy Jones & The Six

June 15, 2020

From Goodreads ~ “Everyone knows Daisy Jones & The Six: The band’s album Aurora came to define the rock ‘n’ roll era of the late seventies, and an entire generation of girls wanted to grow up to be Daisy. But no one knows the reason behind the group’s split on the night of their final concert at Chicago Stadium on July 12, 1979 . . . until now.”

Can you smell the smoke from the burning cigarette? Can you taste the sip of sweet whiskey touching your lips? You can hear each drag of the cigarette, each sip of whiskey… You can see the men crossing their arms while they lean back in their chairs, the women fidgeting by touching their hair, and each person casting their eyes downward as they admit their histories. This is a book that will take you back to when sex, drugs, and rock & roll was the reality for musicians with dreams of singing their music to the people, and getting caught up in its world.

If you have never used Audible, this is one book I highly suggest you do it with. Listening to this book, you feel as if you are watching an episode of ‘Behind The Scenes’ on VH1, with such a realness to the characters, you just sit back and listen. I would love to know how they were able to get the names they did to narrate and bring each character to life. Daisy Jones ~ Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), Billy Dunne ~ Pablo Schreiber (13 Hours, Orange Is the New Black, Den of Thieves), Graham Dunne ~ Benjamit Bratt (Miss Congeniality, Law & Order, Private Practice), Karen Karen ~ Judy Greer (13 Going on 30, The Wedding Planner), Jim Blades ~ Jonathan Davis (Korn), and soooo many other great narrators!

I loved this book so much that I plan on getting pretty in depth and adding in my answers to the book club questions. Once it is done, I’ll add the link here.

Favorite Quotes~

Let me put it this way: I’ve seen a lot of marriages where everyone is faithful and nobody is happy. ~Camila

It was a big lesson for me when I was young—being given things versus earning them. I was so used to being given things that I didn’t know how important it is for your soul to earn them. ~Daisy

That’s the one thing they don’t mention when they tell you to stay away from drugs. They don’t say, “Drugs will have you sleeping with some real jerks.” But they should. ~Daisy

Music can dig, you know? It can take a shovel to your chest and just start digging until it hits something. ~Eddie

Actually, it wasn’t that fun, it was just that I was happy. Everything seems fun when you’re happy. ~Graham

I don’t believe in soul mates anymore, and I’m not looking for anything. But if I did believe in them, I’d believe your soul mate was somebody who had all the things you didn’t, that needed all the things you had. Not somebody who’s suffering from the same stuff you are. ~Karen

She had written something that felt like I could have written it, except that I knew I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have come up with something like that. Which is what we all want from art, isn’t it? When someone pins down something that feels like it lives inside us? Take a piece of your heart out and shows it to you? ~Billy

But loving somebody isn’t perfection and good times and laughing and making love. Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch. That’s why it’s a dangerous thing, when you go loving the wrong person. When you love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. You have to be with someone that deserves your faith and you have to be deserving of someone else’s. It’s sacred. ~Billy

But music is never about music. It if was, we’d be writing songs about guitars. But we don’t. We write songs about women. ~Graham

I swear, I think about that day sometimes when I’m feeling low. I think about it to remind myself you never know what kind of crazy good shit is around the corner. But it’s hard not to remember, when I think about that day, that lots of crazy bad shit is often around the corner, too. ~Graham

Acceptance is a powerful drug. And I should know because I’ve done them all. ~Daisy

I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. ~Daisy

All I will say is that you show up for your friends on their hardest days. And you hold their hand through the roughest parts. Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding. ~Camila

You do sometimes sit and wonder why it wasn’t you, what makes you so special that you get to be safe. The world doesn’t make much sense. ~Billy

Let me tell you the sweet spot for being in rock ’n’ roll. People think it’s when you’re at the top but no. That’s what when you’ve got the pressure and the expectations. What’s good is when everybody thinks you’re headed somewhere fast, when you’re all potential. ~Warren

It hurts to care about someone more than they care about themselves. I can tell that story from both sides. ~Billy

It was such a sad love song. About wanting somebody you can’t have and knowing you’re going to want them anyway. ~Billy

It’s very vulnerable, being an artist, telling the truth like that, like we’re doing now. When you’re living your life, you’re so inside your head, you’re swirling around in your own pain, that it’s hard to see how obvious it is to the people around you. These songs I was writing felt coded and secret, but I suspect they weren’t coded and secret at all. ~Daisy

Some people will never stop being themselves. And you think it drives you crazy but it is the very thing you will think about when the are gone. When you don’t have them in your life anymore. ~Billy

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE BOOK

Book Club Questions~

The majority of these questions, I have copied from different book review websites, possibly combining questions and / or rewording.

Be honest… Did you google the band before you were finished, and if so, what did you think?

Did you listen to or read the book and what did you think of the oral history format?

What feelings did this book evoke for you?

This style of narration highlights that memory is often unreliable ~ different characters have conflicting stories or versions of events, or have reshaped their thoughts and feelings over the years. How do you feel this was most played out in the book?

Many of the characters seem to be searching for something to fill a void, and they turn to music or drugs or sex. What do you think the various characters, particularly Daisy and Billy, are looking for?

Daisy admits in the interview how shell felt for Billy. But, even all these years later, Billy can’t quite get there. He hints at it, but he always goes back to his love for Camila. Why do you think he can’t admit how he felt and possibly still feels about Daisy?

In what ways did their songwriting and actions on stage tell the truth when maybe they weren’t being honest to each other and to themselves?

How did you feel about Karen and Graham’s relationship? Did you want it to me more or did you understand where each side was coming from?

The book leads up to telling about the band’s last concert in Chicago stadium and Daisy leaving the band. How did you feel about Camila taking care of Daisy that night, telling Daisy to leave, then wishing her well?

What did you think about Billy and Camila’s relationship? Why do you think she stuck with him through it all?

Did the identity of the “author” of this book surprise you? Did it make you reconsider the story or any of the events?

We learn what everyone has been up to since the band broke up. What did you think of the addition of this information to the book and were there any surprises?

Before Camila passed away, she wrote an email to her daughters asking them to give their dad Daisy’s number? Why do you think she did this and do you think Billy will contact her?

Which character in the book would you most like to meet?

If you could hear this story from another person’s point of view, who would you choose?

Health & Spiritual

It’s time to pick your own lane…

June 3, 2020June 3, 2020

Have you ever been driving behind a car for awhile and all of a sudden, you realize that your movements mimic theirs? They move a little to the left, so do you. They veer slightly to the right, you lean to the right. They speed up, your right foot presses the gas a bit. Over and over we do this, often times without realizing.

This was apparent to me while driving to the grocery store after work. I was stuck behind a vehicle that had very exaggerated movements. Turning from Main Street at the traffic light to a side road… He swung wide, I swung wide. Same thing at the roundabout… He went wide, I went wide. With another wide turn in to the parking lot, I giggled when I realized how I was mimicking his driving. Then it’s as if a light bulb flickered inside my brain and I thought, “Is this what we do in life… Mimic those around us?”

My brother’s words from my early driving days came back to me… “You’re like that song, ‘Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this rig around…’ but you don’t drive a big rig, you drive a small Honda.” In my defense, I had grown up around people that drove pickup trucks so that’s how I honestly thought you turned around… Big wide turns!

Isn’t this what life is sometimes like? Is it perhaps ingrained in to our minds that we are supposed to act a certain way because it fits the status quo? For instance, we should peel a banana fully before eating, only use a certain brand of detergent, always tuck the bottom part of the flat sheet in… When do we stand up and say, “No! I like to only peel the part that I am taking a bite out of, I prefer All over Tide detergent, and I like my sheets untucked!”?

How many of you heard the phrase from your parents regarding your up to no good friends, “If they jumped off a bridge, would you?” Sure, it’s a question, but they weren’t really expecting an answer. Because if we did answer, we would dutifully hang our head and say the obligatory, “No”. (By the way, you get extra points if you said m’am or sir after telling them your answer.) But, in our heads, as the inexperienced children we were, our brain was yelling, “Yes! Because these are my best friends and they will do anything for me!” (You get extra points here if you have ever said this to your own children because now you know better. Ha!)

Now that we are adults, who are we still following behind in traffic? Is it your significant other that tries to makes you realize it’s just easier to go along with their opinion? What about the friend that makes you feel guilty if you don’t feel like painting the town red on a Friday night? Let’s add in the co-worker that always seems to act a bit superior towards your differing work loads. And then there’s the school parents that belittle you for not wanting to take part in the newest fundraiser.

It is time that we learn to drive our own way. Choose a lane and stay in it! As women, we have a lot of life experience. We know how to make choices, we know what type of wine we prefer (Pinot Noir girl here!), we know how to prioritize work, and we know how we like our coffee. So, why would we let someone else dictate our lane? It’s time we speak up and take responsibility for our own lives. Is the person in front of you driving too fast… Then slow down. Weaving in and out of traffic… STAY IN YOUR LANE! Drive at the speed you need to and enjoy the scenery IN FRONT OF YOU.

Ironically enough, while in the store thinking about these things and pushing my cart down an aisle, I was busy looking over to the side and a nice looking distraction caught my eye… Bam! There went my cart right in to the corner of a cookie display. The light bulb in my mind didn’t just flicker… It was as if a brand new stop light had just been installed.

Although those cookies really did look good, I’m trying to be healthy, so I fixed the display and moved along. I made a choice. I left the cookies and went to find the bug spray (trying to get some yard work done and the mosquito’s are just crazy right now). Don’t start looking around while driving, wondering what is out there. Pull over to the side and decide what path you want to take.

We all have choices to make in life. Sometimes we do need guidance, especially when visiting a new place. But, this is our life and it is time we took it back. We can give our opinion and speak up on the way that we expect to be treated. We can choose to stay home on a Friday night and binge chick flicks. We can choose to better ourselves and live a life that WE are proud of!

I am giving you permission to stop, decide if you want to take the scenic route. You don’t have to go in the direction you have always been heading, following someone else, the one they say is the best. Look around, which direction do YOU want to try? Because girl, I am telling you… YOU ARE WORTH IT! Now, buckle your seat belt, put your sunglasses on, and turn your blinker to the direction you want to go!

Masculine Energy in Women

How a pill organizer made me feel old…

Daisy Jones & The Six

It’s time to pick your own lane…

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