struggles – Swimming With The Rain

The Beginning of My Weight Loss Journey

June 19, 2020June 25, 2020

Why am I going to tell you about all of these things that happened in 2019? Because making the decision to lose weight can be a battle. It usually doesn’t happen over night, at least with me. I have to rationalize things in my head until it finally HITS me and I have my reason WHY.

January 2019 ~ My blood results came back and the doctor was not happy. Not only had I put on weight, but my blood sugar was at 190, which is in between borderline and high. Dr. C, the fitness fanatic, is not one to just say, “Here, take this!” which honestly, can sometimes drive me crazy! His instructions that day – “Go keto and go keto NOW! Drop some weight and your sugar level or I will HAVE to put you on meds.” Two months later, I did my follow up and I had lost 10 pounds along with my level going down down 40 points. Yay! “Keep at it, drop some more weight and I am confident that you will be fine.” Did I listen? Well, no.

April 2019 ~ I saw a photo of myself in a bathing suit, from the backside. I was mortified. How was this me? How did all this weight come on so quick within the past couple of years? Oh… Menopause. While I am so thankful to God for putting me in to it in my early / mid 40’s, I hadn’t stopped to realize what it was doing to my hormones. I was no longer the person that could just starve for a few days and lose those few pounds. Suddenly, those photos where I thought I looked fat, I wanted to be that size again!

May 2019 ~ I started back to the gym and told myself, “Yes, I can eat lunch out today because I went to the gym this morning.” (FYI ~ that’s a lie!) Then, the craziest thing happened… I was on a boat, lost my balance a bit, and my phone went flying in to the water. Not thinking in my head that the water was only two feet deep, I jumped. That’s when I heard a nice little pop in the right knee as I landed near my phone. I did good for a few weeks, keeping it up, icing it, trying to stay off my leg. But, while watching tv with my son, I got up off the couch, turned my body without turning my knee… Pop!

***This has become my life ~ knee up with an ice pack.***

July 2019 ~ My knee is still visibly swollen so I finally make an appointment with the doctor. After an X-ray confirms that it is not broken, he schedules me for an MRI with the instructions, “You can do anything you want to, but do not let your feet leave the ground.” Well, that leaves most things out. Why go to the gym? I hate upper body workouts so what’s the point, right? Stupid decision. My next stupid decision was not getting the MRI done because it was $200.

September 2019 ~ I had resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to let myself be fat and happy, thinking I was ok with that. I mean, I was finally enjoying all that delicious food that everyone talks about. But, when I came back from seeing my family on vacation, I saw the number on the scale and was in shock. I had never weighed this, not even with either of my pregnancies. Whatever, it didn’t matter. I had friends and if a man wanted to be a part of my life, he would have to love me for how I looked.

October 2019 ~ My knee brace was no longer a constant and I was starting to feel better as long as I didn’t stand too long, have it in one position too long, and wore the brace if I was doing anything that involved movement, so why not get a puppy? Since I wasn’t picking her up until around noon, a friend and I went to see the sunflower fields. We walked and the sharp pain wasn’t there for the first time, my knee felt great! The two year old going down the slide looked like he was having a good and made it look so easy, so why not? Bad decision! I really need to learn that when I say, “Why not?”, my answer needs to be, “DON’T!” Two year old legs are short, so when they come off the slide, their feet hit the ground. When you are 46, that doesn’t happen. Your feet go forward and your tush has to hit the ground. (My kids explained this whole gravity thing to me, but I blew them off when listening) Luckily, with the young child near, the words stayed inside my head instead of causing him life long mental damage and possible therapy. Yes, I broke my tail bone and there is nothing that can be done about it. So, my charming new puppy was welcomed in to my home by being put on the couch behind my knees while I laid on my side in the fetal position for two days. There went my plan to get back to being active! Honestly, being active or sitting or sleeping or breathing hurt. (Eight months later, I still have pain. My doctor confirmed that I jacked it up and probably should have had it looked at sooner, but that there really isn’t anything that can be done except time.)

***No part of your body should ever be bruised that color, especially your butt.***

November 2019 ~ By now, it was just easier to eat out instead of cooking and I generally rotated between Firehouse Subs or Panda Express since I could order online and they were near my house. If I had to run in to the store, those Totino pizzas are cheap and soooooo good! I live alone most of the time so why put all that effort in to cooking when it just wasn’t thrilling… But, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, about 30 minutes after having a Firehouse sub, it was not sitting well with me at work. Our unspoken rule at work is that “that” DOES NOT happen there. (Graphic, yes. Honest, yes.) Luckily, I live less than a mile away so I told them that I thought I was going to be sick and ran out the door like a crazy woman. Once I got home, I was pretty sure that I was going to die, convinced that it was food poisoning. But, the longer that I laid on the couch, the more I started thinking about the fact that I was eating fast food too often and that I needed to quit. I was feeling awful… Not just physically but mentally… Why was I telling myself that I was ok like this when I clearly wasn’t? I didn’t feel energy to do much of anything, my motivation was shot, I felt ugly inside and out… Now that everything in me was pretty much cleaned out, wouldn’t now be a good time to start? But, I needed help knowing that I could not do this on my own. I knew that I couldn’t do keto because I LOVE pasta and I didn’t want to give up fruit, plus I refuse to do any diet that tells me that I can’t have wine. That’s just sacrilegious right there! Wait! What about those Noom ads I had seen? I liked the thought of a coach and psychology… Let’s do this! So, I signed up for the free two week trial while I was laying on the couch depleted of any food I had consumed in probably the last 24 hours. I did what it suggested and ate like I normally did the next day, which happened to be Thanksgiving, and I logged every bite. I was in shock at the the amount of calories, but I also knew that this accountability thing was going to work. It wasn’t just me looking at my food intake, it was a ‘goal specialist’ and I was allowing her to see my weight. If you have ever truly struggled with your weight, you know that that is the hardest thing to do – let someone know your dirty little secret.

Oh! If you’re wondering if it was food poisoning, it wasn’t. About 30 minutes after eating, my oldest son was pretty convinced that he was going to die (reminded me how he is SOOOO like his dad when sick) and the majority of my office seemed to be out for a day on a rotating schedule for the next week or so.

Want to get started on Noom? Here’s what you need to begin YOUR journey ~ https://swimmingwiththerain.com/starting-noom-what-you-will-need/

Entertainment

Matchbox Twenty

June 18, 2020

In a 1996 Black Chevy Cavalier, three new best friends in their mid-20’s, all from different parts of the country, were driving without a care in the world, thinking life would always be this carefree. In the background, a low volume CD was playing, barely heard over the constant laughing and telling of stories that would bond the three for the next couple of softball seasons.

With Dawn in the front passenger seat (due to her long legs), and me in the back seat (short legs), Ann turned the volume up and said, “This second part reminds me of something I would say to Joey.”

I’m sorry ’bout the attitude
I need to give when I’m with you
But no one else would take this shit from me

She sang that last line with such emphasis that my ears perked up. Then I heard the second part of that verse…

And I’m so
Terrified of no one else but me
I’m here all the time
I won’t go away

While she felt the connection to the first part of the verse, that second part was written for me, and I was hooked! Dawn bought the CD probably around the same time I did my love of Matchbox 20 grew. If we were all together, that was one of the go-to CD’s that we threw in, if there was nothing worth singing on the radio. To this day, my mind goes back to the next two summers… stating my case that ‘Push’ is actually an intimate longing for love, leaving bars at ‘3am’, fantasizing how we would change life if we were in the ‘Real World’, and drifting away in to our own mind for ‘Back 2 Good’… The summers of the three of us together, forging our friendship, and figuring our own-selves out, before reality set in and pushed us apart.

As fall was settling in in 1999, Dawn and I were driving out to one of our local favorite bars when I heard a familiar rift on a guitar and then Rob Thomas’s vocal’s. “Matchbox Twenty!”, we both yelled, so excited for new new music of theirs. But, wait… “That’s Santana!” Dawn had no idea who Santana was, but being a California girl, I knew exactly who Carlos Santana was, and we were raised to KNOW the sound of his guitar. “Bet me!” (Here’s the deal, I only bet when I feel 99.9% sure. I hate losing.) She had an in with a radio dj, so she made a phone call… My first beer was on her, but we both shared in the excitement that we had our new favorite song.

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
Well it’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

Local bands covering that song became the background to many Friday nights that winter. We tried our best to imitate a sexy Spanish dancer and they tried their best to imitate Santana’s guitar style. This was during the time of Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez hitting it big with their music so it seemed that that era of our bar hopping days, were electrified with a bit of Latin flavor. I should also add in that this is when I finally realized the sexiness of Rob Thomas after watching the video for ‘Smooth’… I’m a sucker for a man in a cowboy hat, even a post grunge / pop / rock star.

I usually didn’t buy a music album until I knew at least three songs from it. Why was I going to waste my money on something I may not like? That wasn’t the case for Matchbox 20’s Mad Season album, I purchased it that day! And while I was still friends with both Ann and Dawn, it was a separate friendship, and that was fine; it was just the way it was. But, thanks to Ann, I now had Melanie and she made you understand what they meant about redheads. Oh, the conversations we had… Some of the best to this day. Back then, we used to talk about everything under the sun, never afraid of being judged. And lyrics, we loved to analyze our own personal meanings. The day that Mad Season was released in 2000, she called to ask if I’d heard the song that we would spend weeks searching for an explanation to on why this hit us so hard… Rest Stop became a phrase for us while discussing relationships ~ “Are you at a rest stop?” and we automatically knew what the other meant.

While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you’re dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn’t care

The following year, a man that I still wonder about 20 years later, asked me what song I would use to describe myself. Hesitating, I told him ‘Bent’, knowing that if he knew the lyrics, he would understand what was going on inside of me. With a sad smile on his face, he replied “I understand being jaded”.

If I couldn’t sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I’m jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

If the first album was about getting to know my friends, and the second was about getting to know myself, the third album, ‘More Than You Think You Are’ from 2002 was about building confidence and breaking up. While I didn’t play this cd on a continuous rotation like I did the others, the song ‘Disease’ is what I played every day on my way to work. It was driven with confidence, yet longing… Sure of self, but questioning…

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody’s heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one’s ever turned you over
No one’s tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you’re making a mess
You’re hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

September 2003 and Dawn has tickets to go and see Matchbox Twenty the night before my 30th birthday. How perfect is this?!? We put my three cd’s in rotation and sang all of their songs during the 2 1/2 hour drive so that we were prepared for our favorite band live on stage. While I don’t remember them singing particular songs, I remember the feeling of just being thrilled that I was there. However, since these tickets were free through her work, not everyone around us were as big of fans as us, so they stayed pretty calm during the whole thing. But, that’s ok. Because for my 30th birthday, I was able to see the band that had a hand in shaping my 20’s.

Finally, their first compilation album comes out in 2007 with several new songs and some past hits. The first song listed, “How Far We’ve Come” with it’s loud strumming guitar and catchy beat made you bob your head in tune with the music and lift your hand up to point to the air while singing. There were phrases that really stuck out to me, such as, “Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?” and “Say your goodbyes if you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to“. But, the chorus… When it came on, my four year old in the back seat would say, “Turn it up, please”.

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we’re gonna find out
Let’s see how far we’ve come
Let’s see how far we’ve come

When the album ‘North’ was released in 2012, I didn’t even know about it. At that point, I was in my 5 year relationship and I either listened to Country or Christian when by myself, or Top 40 when the kids were around. So, in 2013 when I heard “Overjoyed”, I thought it was a nice song and although I was happy to hear Matchbox Twenty on the radio again, I was coming in to my 40’s and it just wasn’t hitting me like it used to. Music is so personal to me that sometimes, I just can’t listen to certain things because I DON’T want to go back to a time or have memories brought up. Even if those memories are filled with longing for another person. Sometimes, I have to shut that off.

Fast forward to 2020, and this text comes in from Joey, my fellow music lover…

These words of his that he wrote… Wow! Rob Thomas confirmed that he is just like the rest of us, struggling with our emotions and sometimes, still so unsure of ourselves. There are just too many words and phrases that I connected to so I suggest watching the video and letting it all sink in. The words, while they pack a punch, the melody feels hopeful. Maybe it will encourage you to reach out to someone…

What happened after hearing this song, you wonder… Well, I found him on Spotify and I am discovering songs of his that I passed over in the past few years and I am reliving some memories with a smile on my face. And, if you ever come across tickets for Rob Thomas or Matchbox Twenty, count me in!

God

The Five Finger Prayer

June 13, 2020

Fifteen years ago, I was telling a good friend of the prayer we would say for Daniel’s dad each night (he was Active Duty military and deployed to the desert)… “Dear God, Please watch over my daddy because we love him and we miss him.” From there, my sweet boy would add in anyone else he thought needed to be prayed for. Sometimes, it would take awhile as he was trying to delay bedtime. Or, perhaps… God put it in to his heart that these random people needed to be prayed for. While talking about this with my friend, she told me of the ‘Five Finger Prayer’ that her devout Catholic mother taught her as a child, and she had passed to her own children. I remember thinking how clever it was to have this reminder and printed out an example, to hang on my refrigerator. I came across it the other day and felt compelled to share the idea behind, ‘The Five Finger Prayer’.

First, begin your prayers with your thumb which is closest to your body. Your thumb represents your family and your friends ~ those closest to you. But, also pray for your enemies, for they affect your attitude towards your loved ones.

The next finger is your pointing finger. Pray for those that teach, instruct, and heal, such as teachers, ministers, and medical personnel.

The middle finger is the tallest and represents our leaders. Pray for our country and world leaders, business leaders, and even boss / co-workers.

Surprisingly, our ring finger is the weakest of all. You can never pray enough for those that are sick, or in trouble. Praying for those around us is a way of serving, which is an important part of our purpose.

By the time that we get to the pinky, which represents YOU, your prayers for others will have helped with the perspective of your thought process. You will be able to pray with a clear mind as you thank God for the blessings in your life, admit your struggles, and ask for guidance.

I like to think of the Five Finger Prayer as a way to ensure that I remember specific groups of people, even some that I wouldn’t remember in my daily prayers. For ease in teaching younger children about it, there are several coloring sheets that can be used, if you search google. Why not use this as a way to prove that power of prayer can help to change the world and our hearts.

The Beginning of My Weight Loss Journey

Matchbox Twenty

The Five Finger Prayer

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