Life
Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle
Last week’s therapy session was insightful, and thankfully, not overly emotional. For years, I had the mindset of, “I’m good, but not good enough” and could trace it back to elementary school. The therapist and I dug a bit deeper and did determine how it came about, and a major one hit me pretty hard. While I understand that it was never intentional, it gave me a deeper understanding of how words and actions can have a lifelong impact on someone.
Something that we did discuss was quite interesting, my lack of speaking up for what I want. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s, and it was seen as selfish to speak up and say, “This is what I want.” However, what I realize now is that I should have spoken up for what I did “need”.
My father used to have a funny saying, “Shit in one hand, want in the other. See which one fills up faster.”
As a child, I would always think, “I have a lot of wants, so that doesn’t make sense.” Trust me, I totally get where he is coming from, and I am sure that I may have used that phrase on my own kids from time to time. What I am realizing now, there is a difference between wants and needs.
Of course I wanted the cool Trapper Keeper binder that all the other kids had. But, I also needed reassurance, hugs, unconditional love, positive words, a place where I could feel like I belong and was accepted. I am not saying that I wasn’t given those things in some degrees. I’m expressing the difference between wants and needs.
In elementary, I generally had all A’s. B’s would pop in here and there, usually in Science and P.E. But, Spelling and Language Arts, those were my favorites. We had smart kids that left our class once a week to go to GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and yes, there was a bit of jealousy from all of us that wanted to be them. Every year in 4th, 5th, and 6th, I tested for this program, sure that I would soon be among my people.
Each year, I was told that I was good, but not good enough.
Back to the speaking up… 7th grade volleyball… I had never played volleyball before but upon entering Junior High, this was part of P.E. and I loved it. Bump, set, spike. I was working on perfecting my bump and knew that both forearms should be used, how to angle my arms to make the ball go a certain way. Set… When done correctly, the ball feels as light as a feather when it touches your fingertips, to be pushed back up to the person ready to spike. Spiking is where I wasn’t very good. But, most of us at that time were still learning as it was a new sport introduced to our grade.
As volleyball season approached, I was encouraged to try out for the team. I gave it my all and I loved it. Feeling like part of a team and the camaraderie that was built… It felt right. I needed a group of girls that believed and encouraged me. As we grew closer to the announcing of the team, girls were eliminated, but I still stood. My confidence grew. Maybe I am good enough.
We were down to the final two that would be eliminated. The last practice, I pushed myself harder than I had ever worked for anything, hoping I was good enough to make the team. I wasn’t.
Next year, it was the same thing, but I was better prepared for it in my mind, because I was becoming an expert at not being good enough.
This is where the therapist comes in…
Why didn’t you make it?
I don’t know.
You didn’t ask?
No.
Then how would you know what to get better at?
(Blank stare)
What did you think about after you didn’t make it?
They had a near perfect season. I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have done as well, so it was better that I wasn’t on it.
In high school, my first P.E. teacher was the volleyball coach. While doing drills, she said to me, “I better see you trying out for the volleyball team.” That phrase made me feel like I had someone on my side and I wanted her approval. Ms. K was loved by everyone and she made sure to give kids tough love, but in a supportive way. I knew that I needed her. But, when volleyball tryouts came around, I went to the first couple of practices. After watching those around me, I made up an excuse to Ms. K on why I couldn’t try out and moved on. What I didn’t tell her was that I felt that I would never be as good as those other girls and could not face disappointment like that again, after working so hard to prove myself. One of the great things the next year in school, Ms. K gave her approval for me to have 7th period P.E., which was advanced volleyball.
You were only in that class if you were on any of the volleyball teams, or had serious potential. I was covered in bruises and my forearms were rock hard. I loved feeling like part of a team and for one period a school day, I was.
I never tried out for volleyball in high school, much to the dismay of the coach. They had a great season, and I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have.
However, I did try out for cheerleading. In freshman year, one of my bestfriends was a cheerleader. Since every little girl grows up thinking that cheerleading is for the elite special people, of course we all wanted to be cheerleaders. So, with the help of my bestfriend, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. Herkies, Toe Touch, Tuck Jump, Side and Front Hurdler… Back then, we didn’t have cell phones so we used the reflection from the sliding glass door to perfect our techniques.
Do you know what I wasn’t good at? Fake excitement. I did great in the group tryouts, the written test, you name it. But, when it came time for me to stand in front of the judges and perform by myself and get “excited” about a game that I could not see, I couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to show excitement.
I would not have thought that such minor issues from my school days would still have an effect on me. But, they helped to set a pattern on the way I view the world. Unfortunately, when I am not accepted by someone, I revert to the thinking, “I am not good enough.” There are other issues in life that led to this but these experiences stand out, and I’m not willing to talk about those.
It’s time to get off the bicycle, don’t you think?
What do you mean?
You are cycling the same words to yourself, that you are not good enough. You are.
