I Miss Writing…

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s been over four months and I have wanted to sit and put words down, but I haven’t.

• When going through heartbreak, knowing this day will end. Time keeps moving.
• Reading article about George returning to Grey’s and his husband told him that sometimes, closure is shutting a door and sometimes its revisiting a familiar room and finding what brought you joy.
• The upside of arguing
• Watching Steve Harvey video – if God was done with you, you wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
• When all the pillars of your identity vanish – no longer having kids in the house.
• Hold on to me because I’m a little unsteady.
• If you want to completely paralyze an easily paralyzed person, push push push. Don’t. Instead, tell them “I know you’ve got this and I’ve got your back.”
• Not thanking kids when they do their chores because it’s their job is teaching them to not be thankful for a spouse working and helping to provide.
• Forward the character 5%.
• Seeing your kids showing their own individuality, becoming their own person.
• When we don’t value ourselves, we overly focus on other things to give us a sense of purpose.
• Quit putting JUST in front of your name. You are not JUST a wife, JUST a receptionist, JUST a mom…

Having not looked at my website since August (but thinking of it every day), I went to it when a family friend asked for the link. Little does she know, she gave me a gift. I looked at my creation and realized how much I missed touching my keyboard and letting my mind wander, as I would find ways to express the words I was holding in. I began to read each post and was taken back, feeling lost in the moments of a different life. A sense of satisfaction and clarity started to seep in as I remembered what it was like to combine words to bring clarity to my thoughts. Satisfaction would come from creating words and integrating photos until I found just the right combination of each. Previewing the draft countless times, editing the small details, ensuring I had what I needed. But, the clarity… That was the special part. Because even if I was just writing about a movie, I always felt like I learned something about myself. My eyes were lifted and sometimes, that meant my heart was opened just a bit more.

Maybe that is why I haven’t written lately… I’ve been afraid of letting my heart open back up. In the last five months, I have been working on starting a new life and have only been focused on what is in front of me, adjusting to a new way of doing things. If I write, I might realize things what I don’t want to admit. Oh, let’s be honest… I realize quite a bit, I just don’t want to say them out loud. Because once things are written down, it’s been admitted and I have to take ownership. Friends I let down, men that used me, co-workers that made me feel inferior, friends that let me down…

There. That was it right there. The moment of clarity. I guess it’s time to edit so I will feel that brief euphoria of satisfaction. Then I need to work on acknowledging some things and continue to develop my words.