Therapy Day 1 – I’m not good enough

Some words were said about me a couple of weeks ago that stung. Once again, I was informed that I wasn’t good enough. These words and who they came from hit me at the core and I have been on the verge of tears since that time. The tidal wave of tears finally hit yesterday as I had my first therapy appointment. But first, why did I decide to go to therapy?

I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of months. My insecurity has been pretty strong lately, from my own doing since I am truly my own worst enemy. Last week after no resolution or being able to get over my own feelings, I logged on to BetterHelp.com and answered the questions that range from age, relationship status, religion, and what made me login.

Not being sure if virtual therapy was going to be helpful since the connection I crave was not going to be in person, I was pleasantly surprised that I clicked with my therapist right away.

We talked about my current relationship and how everything is generally great, but I am waiting for the final shoe to drop. She asked why I felt that way… “Because I’m not good enough.”

“You’ve been single for awhile.”

“Yes.”

“When is the last relationship you had for an extended amount of time?”

“Oh, I was in one for five and a half years.”

“What happened?”

“I wasn’t good enough.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. In fact, he is married now. The first time I saw his wife, because she was a friend of a friend, I knew right then and there that they would end up together because she was the type he belonged with.”

“You basically handed him to her. He stuck around for over five years. He thought you were good enough.”

We talked about other things from the past and that is when she stopped me.

And this is why she is a therapist. Don’t get me wrong, I have known that I feel this way often. But, to have it called out to me is something different.

I always thought that childhood issues were something that you kept in your past and that as an adult, you make the choices for your reactions. I am realizing now that that is not the case. Somewhat of a trauma response, you learn how to act towards certain situations.

Just like the walls of a house are constructed for protection, we also build walls to protect ourselves. If it is something that we have been doing since childhood, we feel it is normal and keep going on with life.

When something else happens to “verify” that I am not good enough, I either add another brick to my wall or maybe throw on some extra plaster to make sure that it is not going anywhere.

Last night after my first therapy session, I was emotionally exhausted. I had ugly cried. It wasn’t because my feelings were hurt, it was because finally someone could help me make sense out of them. I have other aspects of the conversation that I need to unpack, and I will. I finally felt validated, that there was a reason why I never felt good enough, and why I protect my heart.

My homework for the week – to be mindful. When I am feeling a certain way, I need to be mindful of what led up to it. I also need to be mindful of my actions towards others, and my response in the situation.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it will take for my wall to come down, if it ever will. In certain relationships, I will work at not being on guard so much, because I truly do value those relationships that are REAL and have a strong connection. With those that judge me, I am going to work on letting that not bother me. What they think of me is THEIR choice, and one day I will realize that I am good enough.

But, do I really even want to subject myself to anyone that may feel that I am not good enough? WHY would I want to fight for myself to be a part of that?

I guess that is a good topic for Therapy on Day 2.