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Swimming With The Rain
Entertainment

Crash My Party by Luke Bryan

  • March 24, 2023

Every time this song comes on, I remember back to 2013 when it first came out. I told a male friend of mine how I thought it was kind of romantic. As the man that he is, he told me that it was a “bootie call” song. To this day, I still disagree with him.

Some will say it is stereotypical country and they refuse to listen…

Some diehard country fans will refer to it as “Bro-Country” and they’re not fans of the new stuff…

woman in purple sweater using a smartphone

Then there are those like me that find meanings in songs and drift away in to our own thoughts thinking about it.

“It don’t matter what plans I got, I can break ’em
Yeah, I can turn this thing around at the next red light
And I don’t mind telling all the guys “I can’t meet ’em”
Hell, we can all go raise some hell on any other night”

What girl doesn’t want a guy looking at her, basically saying, YOU ARE MY PRIORITY! He is telling her that no matter what, he will drop every thing and go to her. Here’s the important part – he will not make her feel guilty about it.

“If it’s 2 in the morning and you’re feeling lonely and wondering what I’m doing….

Go ahead and call me, call me, call me you don’t have to worry ’bout it baby
You can wake me up in the dead of the night, wreck my plans, baby that’s alright”

woman posing on bridge at night

As a woman that has been through relationships and never truly made to feel like a priority, this is what I would want to hear from a man. He is allowing her to be her. He knows that she has an independent soul, and he gives her the space that she needs, but makes sure that she knows, he is always there for her.

The next time you hear the song, listen to it with that thought in mind…

If you’ve never heard it, google the song and watch the video. Not only is the very handsome Luke Bryan in the song, but so is his wife. If it was about “bootie calls”, would he really have her in there? I think not.

Men, make sure your woman knows that she is your priority.

That you will give up plans with your friends to be with her…

That she can call you at 2am to talk…

And women… If your man doesn’t agree with this, leave him and make your self a priority.

Life

In The Moment

  • August 16, 2020

The power of a look. How can a look say so much? We look people in the eyes every day, but when there is a certain glance… Across a room, in the mirror, when looking up from reading… So much is said, it’s as if you can read that person’s mind. A slight touch when passing by… Why do people take this for granted? Do they not feel someones finger tips brush their arm… Can they not feel the warmth that is passed through the skin… What about the butterflies when you can feel the person near but not touching… The stolen kisses in a doorway on a crowded street. The sense of belonging to each other for just a short amount of time… Knowing that this is it. This is the only time that we will have. Living in the moment.

There will be certain things and places that you will never look at the same again ~ a particular meal, a sweet tasting wine, the faded blanket, hint of cologne, a rain drenched car… All of these will bring back a feeling and you will sit. And you will smile. And you will remember the feeling of enjoyment. You will remember briefly the intensity of the eyes that sparkle with life and burn with desire at the same time. You will remember the touch that felt like you couldn’t let go. The hand that felt like a feather as it brushed the hair away from your face…

Go ahead, remember the first kiss that was so light and soft where your breath was taken away, knowing in that instant, you could have fallen in love… Instead, we didn’t.

We look back with fond memories that pop up at the oddest of times… A song on the radio that isn’t even about love, yet it serves as a reminder of the laughing and smiling, a moment that just the two of us shared. Leaning back in your chair at work looking out the window and a certain vehicle drives by, and you will remember… Just for a moment.

I’m glad that I had this chance, just for a moment, to feel delicate, beautiful, smart, sexy, like I could move mountains… All of this because of the way you looked at me. Keep that look. Look at me again one day, just like that. And smile. Smile at the memories that were made. Don’t have any regrets. We lived in the moment…

All me

Reflecting on 2018…

  • July 11, 2020

As I was going through the notes section on my phone, I came across this and thought it was filled with so many reminders about life and things I still aspire to. Maybe it will inspire you, too.

2018 is coming to a close. I have chosen to be thankful that I am still alive after a severe asthma attack and I’m not taking this life for granted. I have chosen to walk away from people in my life because they weren’t good for me. I have chosen to strengthen my relationships with those that are. Life is about the choices that we make.

Anyways, what have I learned this year?

Love. The love of my boys I truly enjoy because they make me smile and fill me with so much happiness. They are my family and I am so proud watching them in this life and have renewed my strength to just enjoy them.


Friendship. Those that you can be yourself with, those are the ones that need to be kept around.


Trust. This was the big one for me because I had to trust that others would be there when I reached out.


Of course I have had my feelings hurt this year, but I have realized that their attitude is not my problem to deal with, it is theirs. Then again, it was my feelings that were hurt so I have had to take a step back and let myself realize why I let them hurt my feelings, and that is a lot of reflecting.

Why am I saying all of this… Because I made the choice to put a positive perspective on this past year. So get out there and feel love, nurture your friendships, and open yourself to trust.

Turn the music up and dance around your house. Soak up the moment you are in. Be willing to feel love and enjoyment. Learn to be at peace with yourself. Quit surrounding yourself with people that thrive off drama. Reach out to people just to say hi.

And most of all, love yourself.

Life

Valentine’s Day love notes never sent…

  • June 27, 2020

My plan leading up to that Valentine’s Day was to give him a bunch of random song lyrics, all in a red box. Some of the phrases were from songs that played in the background, others were from ones that I came across while flipping radio stations while driving, with him on my mind. It wasn’t that all of these songs were about those lovey dovey moments, because we really didn’t have those, it was about the time spent together. But, with all of my “love stories”, this one did not have a happy ending.

I came across the bag the other day with my final letter and the notes, still folded in half. Although I had read the letter to him, I never handed it over, and actually omitted parts of it while reading with controlled emotions. And now, I sit on my bed with these notes, still perfectly folded in half, and read each one aloud… I am realizing that some of the lyrics weren’t necessarily about him, but about me and the struggles that I was going through in my life at that time. Each one has given a me smile, sometimes a reflective pause, taking me back to a moment, where I was filled with so much confusion, but a love for the life we shared then. So, here are the quotes and lyrics… If YOU are reading this, thanks for the memories!

To the things I believe in… My faith, your love, our freedom. To the things I can count on, To keep me going strong… Yeah, I hold on.

Like the stripes to the flag, like a boy to his dad… I can’t change who I am, right or wrong… So I hold on.

I bet that your neighbors hate us, ’cause we could laugh all night, and never sleep.

There’ll be days your heart don’t wanna beat, you pray more than you breathe.

I hope that you see right through my walls.

I wish nothing but the best for you…

I wouldn’t trade one memory, because you mean too much to me.

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

It will all get better in time…

Never had much faith in love… or miracles.

Walking between raindrops, riding the aftershock with you…

I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again.

I’ve been sleep walking, been wandering all night… Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right.

I love this life.

I don’t wanna steal your freedom, I don’t wanna change your mind.

I swear you hit me like a vision, I wasn’t expecting, but who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go…

It’s good to be alive… Right about now!

You could’ve rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell… Could’ve walked away. But, you’re still here, and I’m still here.

Come on over… I like the sound of that.

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart… It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun.

Got a feeling that I’m going under… But I know that I’ll make it out alive.

I just wanna sing a little chill song, get my groove on…

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset…

Make it up as we go along.

A big ol’ couch in a big ol’ room, still feels lonely when it’s just you.

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

Under the light of a thousand stars…

Words you wanna take back… But you know you can’t.

And his voice is a familiar sound.

Oh, I know that I don’t need a whole lot of anything… I just want a little bit of everything.

Well, the trouble with up… Is there’s always a down.

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Said I’ll always be a friend. Took an oath, I’m gonna stick it out ’til the end…

Thinking out loud…

And the crowds don’t remember my name…

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell…

So this is what you meant, when you said you were spent…

I thought I’d been hurt before, but no one has left me quite this sore.

Get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.

We’ve come a long way from where we began…

Please don’t stand so close to me, I’m having trouble breathing… I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now…

I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.

I need someone to breathe me back to life.

I don’t ever want to let you down.

The sun is filling up the room, And I can hear you dreaming…

And light it up like it’s our last chance.

Well, there it is. I’ll be throwing away the hand written notes that serve as a reminder of feelings that went beyond my control. But the letter… I’ll keep that as a memento of that season of my life. Some memories I will cherish, while others, I will hide down deep. I do know this, I learned a lot about my relationship needs during those months ~ I need a man that will keep me laughing, have long conversations, is capable of household repairs, makes me feel sexy, trusts me with his secrets… Now I just need to find all of that and be willing to let him know my story… And if he can still love me after all of that, plus make me feel loved without any confusion, I will have found the one.

Entertainment

Matchbox Twenty

  • June 18, 2020

In a 1996 Black Chevy Cavalier, three new best friends in their mid-20’s, all from different parts of the country, were driving without a care in the world, thinking life would always be this carefree. In the background, a low volume CD was playing, barely heard over the constant laughing and telling of stories that would bond the three for the next couple of softball seasons.

With Dawn in the front passenger seat (due to her long legs), and me in the back seat (short legs), Ann turned the volume up and said, “This second part reminds me of something I would say to Joey.”

I’m sorry ’bout the attitude
I need to give when I’m with you
But no one else would take this shit from me

She sang that last line with such emphasis that my ears perked up. Then I heard the second part of that verse…

And I’m so
Terrified of no one else but me
I’m here all the time
I won’t go away

While she felt the connection to the first part of the verse, that second part was written for me, and I was hooked! Dawn bought the CD probably around the same time I did my love of Matchbox 20 grew. If we were all together, that was one of the go-to CD’s that we threw in, if there was nothing worth singing on the radio. To this day, my mind goes back to the next two summers… stating my case that ‘Push’ is actually an intimate longing for love, leaving bars at ‘3am’, fantasizing how we would change life if we were in the ‘Real World’, and drifting away in to our own mind for ‘Back 2 Good’… The summers of the three of us together, forging our friendship, and figuring our own-selves out, before reality set in and pushed us apart.

As fall was settling in in 1999, Dawn and I were driving out to one of our local favorite bars when I heard a familiar rift on a guitar and then Rob Thomas’s vocal’s. “Matchbox Twenty!”, we both yelled, so excited for new new music of theirs. But, wait… “That’s Santana!” Dawn had no idea who Santana was, but being a California girl, I knew exactly who Carlos Santana was, and we were raised to KNOW the sound of his guitar. “Bet me!” (Here’s the deal, I only bet when I feel 99.9% sure. I hate losing.) She had an in with a radio dj, so she made a phone call… My first beer was on her, but we both shared in the excitement that we had our new favorite song.

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
Well it’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

Local bands covering that song became the background to many Friday nights that winter. We tried our best to imitate a sexy Spanish dancer and they tried their best to imitate Santana’s guitar style. This was during the time of Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez hitting it big with their music so it seemed that that era of our bar hopping days, were electrified with a bit of Latin flavor. I should also add in that this is when I finally realized the sexiness of Rob Thomas after watching the video for ‘Smooth’… I’m a sucker for a man in a cowboy hat, even a post grunge / pop / rock star.

I usually didn’t buy a music album until I knew at least three songs from it. Why was I going to waste my money on something I may not like? That wasn’t the case for Matchbox 20’s Mad Season album, I purchased it that day! And while I was still friends with both Ann and Dawn, it was a separate friendship, and that was fine; it was just the way it was. But, thanks to Ann, I now had Melanie and she made you understand what they meant about redheads. Oh, the conversations we had… Some of the best to this day. Back then, we used to talk about everything under the sun, never afraid of being judged. And lyrics, we loved to analyze our own personal meanings. The day that Mad Season was released in 2000, she called to ask if I’d heard the song that we would spend weeks searching for an explanation to on why this hit us so hard… Rest Stop became a phrase for us while discussing relationships ~ “Are you at a rest stop?” and we automatically knew what the other meant.

While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you’re dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn’t care

The following year, a man that I still wonder about 20 years later, asked me what song I would use to describe myself. Hesitating, I told him ‘Bent’, knowing that if he knew the lyrics, he would understand what was going on inside of me. With a sad smile on his face, he replied “I understand being jaded”.

If I couldn’t sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I’m jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

If the first album was about getting to know my friends, and the second was about getting to know myself, the third album, ‘More Than You Think You Are’ from 2002 was about building confidence and breaking up. While I didn’t play this cd on a continuous rotation like I did the others, the song ‘Disease’ is what I played every day on my way to work. It was driven with confidence, yet longing… Sure of self, but questioning…

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody’s heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one’s ever turned you over
No one’s tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you’re making a mess
You’re hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

September 2003 and Dawn has tickets to go and see Matchbox Twenty the night before my 30th birthday. How perfect is this?!? We put my three cd’s in rotation and sang all of their songs during the 2 1/2 hour drive so that we were prepared for our favorite band live on stage. While I don’t remember them singing particular songs, I remember the feeling of just being thrilled that I was there. However, since these tickets were free through her work, not everyone around us were as big of fans as us, so they stayed pretty calm during the whole thing. But, that’s ok. Because for my 30th birthday, I was able to see the band that had a hand in shaping my 20’s.

Finally, their first compilation album comes out in 2007 with several new songs and some past hits. The first song listed, “How Far We’ve Come” with it’s loud strumming guitar and catchy beat made you bob your head in tune with the music and lift your hand up to point to the air while singing. There were phrases that really stuck out to me, such as, “Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?” and “Say your goodbyes if you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to“. But, the chorus… When it came on, my four year old in the back seat would say, “Turn it up, please”.

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we’re gonna find out
Let’s see how far we’ve come
Let’s see how far we’ve come

When the album ‘North’ was released in 2012, I didn’t even know about it. At that point, I was in my 5 year relationship and I either listened to Country or Christian when by myself, or Top 40 when the kids were around. So, in 2013 when I heard “Overjoyed”, I thought it was a nice song and although I was happy to hear Matchbox Twenty on the radio again, I was coming in to my 40’s and it just wasn’t hitting me like it used to. Music is so personal to me that sometimes, I just can’t listen to certain things because I DON’T want to go back to a time or have memories brought up. Even if those memories are filled with longing for another person. Sometimes, I have to shut that off.

Fast forward to 2020, and this text comes in from Joey, my fellow music lover…

These words of his that he wrote… Wow! Rob Thomas confirmed that he is just like the rest of us, struggling with our emotions and sometimes, still so unsure of ourselves. There are just too many words and phrases that I connected to so I suggest watching the video and letting it all sink in. The words, while they pack a punch, the melody feels hopeful. Maybe it will encourage you to reach out to someone…

What happened after hearing this song, you wonder… Well, I found him on Spotify and I am discovering songs of his that I passed over in the past few years and I am reliving some memories with a smile on my face. And, if you ever come across tickets for Rob Thomas or Matchbox Twenty, count me in!

Books

Daisy Jones & The Six

  • June 15, 2020

From Goodreads ~ “Everyone knows Daisy Jones & The Six: The band’s album Aurora came to define the rock ‘n’ roll era of the late seventies, and an entire generation of girls wanted to grow up to be Daisy. But no one knows the reason behind the group’s split on the night of their final concert at Chicago Stadium on July 12, 1979 . . . until now.”

Can you smell the smoke from the burning cigarette? Can you taste the sip of sweet whiskey touching your lips? You can hear each drag of the cigarette, each sip of whiskey… You can see the men crossing their arms while they lean back in their chairs, the women fidgeting by touching their hair, and each person casting their eyes downward as they admit their histories. This is a book that will take you back to when sex, drugs, and rock & roll was the reality for musicians with dreams of singing their music to the people, and getting caught up in its world.

If you have never used Audible, this is one book I highly suggest you do it with. Listening to this book, you feel as if you are watching an episode of ‘Behind The Scenes’ on VH1, with such a realness to the characters, you just sit back and listen. I would love to know how they were able to get the names they did to narrate and bring each character to life. Daisy Jones ~ Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), Billy Dunne ~ Pablo Schreiber (13 Hours, Orange Is the New Black, Den of Thieves), Graham Dunne ~ Benjamit Bratt (Miss Congeniality, Law & Order, Private Practice), Karen Karen ~ Judy Greer (13 Going on 30, The Wedding Planner), Jim Blades ~ Jonathan Davis (Korn), and soooo many other great narrators!

I loved this book so much that I plan on getting pretty in depth and adding in my answers to the book club questions. Once it is done, I’ll add the link here.

Favorite Quotes~

Let me put it this way: I’ve seen a lot of marriages where everyone is faithful and nobody is happy. ~Camila

It was a big lesson for me when I was young—being given things versus earning them. I was so used to being given things that I didn’t know how important it is for your soul to earn them. ~Daisy

That’s the one thing they don’t mention when they tell you to stay away from drugs. They don’t say, “Drugs will have you sleeping with some real jerks.” But they should. ~Daisy

Music can dig, you know? It can take a shovel to your chest and just start digging until it hits something. ~Eddie

Actually, it wasn’t that fun, it was just that I was happy. Everything seems fun when you’re happy. ~Graham

I don’t believe in soul mates anymore, and I’m not looking for anything. But if I did believe in them, I’d believe your soul mate was somebody who had all the things you didn’t, that needed all the things you had. Not somebody who’s suffering from the same stuff you are. ~Karen

She had written something that felt like I could have written it, except that I knew I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have come up with something like that. Which is what we all want from art, isn’t it? When someone pins down something that feels like it lives inside us? Take a piece of your heart out and shows it to you? ~Billy

But loving somebody isn’t perfection and good times and laughing and making love. Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch. That’s why it’s a dangerous thing, when you go loving the wrong person. When you love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. You have to be with someone that deserves your faith and you have to be deserving of someone else’s. It’s sacred. ~Billy

But music is never about music. It if was, we’d be writing songs about guitars. But we don’t. We write songs about women. ~Graham

I swear, I think about that day sometimes when I’m feeling low. I think about it to remind myself you never know what kind of crazy good shit is around the corner. But it’s hard not to remember, when I think about that day, that lots of crazy bad shit is often around the corner, too. ~Graham

Acceptance is a powerful drug. And I should know because I’ve done them all. ~Daisy

I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. ~Daisy

All I will say is that you show up for your friends on their hardest days. And you hold their hand through the roughest parts. Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding. ~Camila

You do sometimes sit and wonder why it wasn’t you, what makes you so special that you get to be safe. The world doesn’t make much sense. ~Billy

Let me tell you the sweet spot for being in rock ’n’ roll. People think it’s when you’re at the top but no. That’s what when you’ve got the pressure and the expectations. What’s good is when everybody thinks you’re headed somewhere fast, when you’re all potential. ~Warren

It hurts to care about someone more than they care about themselves. I can tell that story from both sides. ~Billy

It was such a sad love song. About wanting somebody you can’t have and knowing you’re going to want them anyway. ~Billy

It’s very vulnerable, being an artist, telling the truth like that, like we’re doing now. When you’re living your life, you’re so inside your head, you’re swirling around in your own pain, that it’s hard to see how obvious it is to the people around you. These songs I was writing felt coded and secret, but I suspect they weren’t coded and secret at all. ~Daisy

Some people will never stop being themselves. And you think it drives you crazy but it is the very thing you will think about when the are gone. When you don’t have them in your life anymore. ~Billy

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE BOOK

Book Club Questions~

The majority of these questions, I have copied from different book review websites, possibly combining questions and / or rewording.

Be honest… Did you google the band before you were finished, and if so, what did you think?

Did you listen to or read the book and what did you think of the oral history format?

What feelings did this book evoke for you?

This style of narration highlights that memory is often unreliable ~ different characters have conflicting stories or versions of events, or have reshaped their thoughts and feelings over the years. How do you feel this was most played out in the book?

Many of the characters seem to be searching for something to fill a void, and they turn to music or drugs or sex. What do you think the various characters, particularly Daisy and Billy, are looking for?

Daisy admits in the interview how shell felt for Billy. But, even all these years later, Billy can’t quite get there. He hints at it, but he always goes back to his love for Camila. Why do you think he can’t admit how he felt and possibly still feels about Daisy?

In what ways did their songwriting and actions on stage tell the truth when maybe they weren’t being honest to each other and to themselves?

How did you feel about Karen and Graham’s relationship? Did you want it to me more or did you understand where each side was coming from?

The book leads up to telling about the band’s last concert in Chicago stadium and Daisy leaving the band. How did you feel about Camila taking care of Daisy that night, telling Daisy to leave, then wishing her well?

What did you think about Billy and Camila’s relationship? Why do you think she stuck with him through it all?

Did the identity of the “author” of this book surprise you? Did it make you reconsider the story or any of the events?

We learn what everyone has been up to since the band broke up. What did you think of the addition of this information to the book and were there any surprises?

Before Camila passed away, she wrote an email to her daughters asking them to give their dad Daisy’s number? Why do you think she did this and do you think Billy will contact her?

Which character in the book would you most like to meet?

If you could hear this story from another person’s point of view, who would you choose?

Exercise

The Gym after 5pm is not for me…

  • June 9, 2020

What a difference 12 hours makes in the clientele at the gym… Or maybe it’s just my personality that is different. Let me preface this by saying that if you are a gym hottie, gym babe, gym bunny, gym rat, body builder… Well, you get the picture. If you resemble one of those, read at your own risk because I may offend you. But, if you are just a normal person trying to lose weight and / or tone up, you’ll completely understand what I am talking about. Either way, I hope you stick around to the end, for my self-realization.

On a normal day, I like to go around 5am. Hence the term, 5am’er. As the sun is starting to rise, the gym is sporadically filled with little old bitties working with a rehab trainer, and those that prefer early morning workouts to start their day, or the ones like me that have to force this new lifestyle. Having overslept this morning, I decided that I would force myself to keep up my 5 day a week gym new found routine and go after work. Easy enough, right?

When I walked in, I felt like all of God’s perfect creations were staring right at me, beginning to judge, as soon as the key card was swiped. I looked around… This did not resemble my gym; you could see the difference in physiques, and feel the overly charged air! Did we have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in town? Where were all of my middle of the road people, my little old ladies, my men that would be putting on a business suit in a couple of hours? They were HOME and I was surrounded by all of the hot single people in this town. FYI it’s not such a thrill when you’re in your mid 40’s.

My heart stopped as I looked for my trusty almost always empty ellipticals! What in the world? Why were they all so full? Oh! Because the few men somewhat near my age were lined up, dropping sweat beads, while watching the young hot chick go through her hip abduction workout.

Generally when doing the hip abduction machine (one of my favorites), most people sit on their tush, grab the handles, then press out with their outer thighs. Not this little darling. Nope. I saw new ways to use this machine, reminding me of Channing Tatum dancing with a chair in ‘Magic Mike’. Yah, you get the visual. In between her reps, she made sure to get some stretches in, along with a few glances. The machine next to hers was the only one empty, the only thing going through my mind was, “Stare straight ahead, straight ahead.” However, as her ‘moves’ were in my peripheral, my brain was saying, “Oh, you can use the back of the head rest as a balancing tool while on your knees…” This isn’t the type of stuff you see from a 5am’er.

The unspoken rule at the gym first thing in the morning, no one talks! Even to people they know. I see a co-worker most mornings, and I started to feel guilty that I wasn’t even acknowledging her presence. So, at work, I explained that I am just focused on what I’m doing. “Do not apologize for that! You don’t even have to make eye contact. I just want to get through my routine.” Good! Glad we have that out of the way.

Like I said, us 5am’ers, we don’t talk. We’re all just busy doing our own thing, pushing through the sunrise without coffee, with headphones in our ears listening to something, or perhaps they are the noise silencing ones. I don’t know what they are doing because no one questions it. We make hand gestures if needed when walking towards the same machine or in passing, and even the owner just waves hello or goodbye, with a nod and a smile. But, not the 5pm’ers. Nope. It’s their time to chat, gossip, and compare macro counts. “Go to a bar for this and have a couple of drinks. In fact, grab a few appetizers while you’re talking!”, my head screams at them. Oh, wait! That’s why they look like THAT and I look the way I do. This really IS their version of Happy Hour!

Once again, I needed to use a machine next to one of these gym babes and since empty ones were hard to find, I walked up. Her condescending look basically said, “Um, what are you doing here?” My eyebrows raised as if in reply, “I used to look like you with the perky little boobs and flat stomach. But, this is what happens when you give birth to two kids and life gets in the way, you judgmental little…” Wait! Was she judging me the same way I had been judging her? Does she prefer the evenings because her friends are there and there is a more energetic vibe going on, everything completely different from why I like the gym early in the morning? So, I smiled warmly and turned up the current song on my playlist, (‘Mighty Wings’ by Cheap Trick. It’s on the Top Gun soundtrack. Excellent motivation!) and started my reps.

What did I learn today from watching these little gym bunnies, besides workouts go A LOT quicker when you just want to get out of that hormone crazed place? I realized that basically, we all want our own personal experience at the gym… Some really want that social experience, encouraging their friends, trading back and forth on equipment. While others, like me, want personal space to zone out and focus on themselves for just a short amount of time. I can tell you what we all want, though… To feel accepted… To not feel as if we are being judged on our muffin top that we are trying to lose, or our perky little body that those girls have to work HARD to have. We all want to feel like this is a shared experience with like minded people.

So, to you young girls with your rocking bodies… Enjoy it! Appreciate your smooth skin, the lean muscle, the ability to look gorgeous in leggings and a sports bra. Because one day, you may be covering up those stretch marked stomachs, and find that it takes a bit more effort as you get older. And you will understand why you just need your own time listening to a playlist with music from your thinner days, that will serve as a goal to strive towards… When your body was still young and healthy… Before kids… Before being afraid to sneeze in public… Before daily blood pressure pills… Before menopause… Young girl, I promise you that I will try my best to no longer judge you, because I have one thing you don’t have yet… life experience. I have rocked my crying babies, I have held the hands of loved ones dying, I have had that extra helping of dessert and enjoyed it without guilt, I have learned that a good education will only get you so far… I have lived! Unfortunately, you only start to realize that those were the experiences that shape your life as you cross in to your 40’s, when your body starts to soften, along with your heart. PS, let me be honest, I may envy your youth a bit, though.

With all of that said, I am now a confirmed 5am’er! (I have a tendency to learn things the hard way. Ha!) Tomorrow morning, I will throw on my gym clothes, pull my hair up, dab a bit of muscle ache cream on my plantar fasciitis sneaking its way in to my left foot, tie my boring grey sneakers with insoles and walk out with headphones on, listening Mighty Wings by Cheap Trick on the Top Gun soundtrack. And you better believe that I have a new determination… I will remember that I am working towards the confidence that those young ladies exude, as I enjoy my experience around MY gym people.

PSS, I can tell you one other thing we all need regarding the gym… A shower afterwards. Perky or muffin top. We all need a shower!

Entertainment

George Strait, Run

  • June 2, 2020
Click HERE to hear the song

April 2011… I got a call from my youngest son’s dad one morning. He was still Active Duty Air force, months away from retiring. We still got along quite well and I was pretty involved with his family. I was standing outside, away from the prying ears of our 8 year old. Gregory asked me for the first big request that would begin our four year long journey of watching his older parents die… “Will you go to the hospital and check on my dad? My sisters say he’s fine, but they also said that Red Cross will be calling me.” If you need to know one thing about the military when Red Cross gets involved, it’s that death is basically imminent.

For years, I had referred to this family as my “fake in-laws”. It wasn’t in a demeaning way. They weren’t really my in-laws (had never been married to the man) but we celebrated holidays together and we got along like family, the good and the bad. We had an unspoken agreement that if we were with our son at a doctor’s appointment and they called us back saying, “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson”, we didn’t correct them; it just wasn’t worth the time explaining to an Airman that we may never see again. Now, daycare and school was a totally different thing. Although we never referred to each other as a spouse, I was the “daughter-in-law”, when it came to dealing with his parents. How were we to explain to people the nature of my relationship with his family and have them understand because they couldn’t usually grasp the situation.

I got to the hospital and headed toward Granddaddy’s room. Honestly, I expected to see him sitting up in bed and chatting away, even if looking a bit tired, hoping this was all an overreaction. What I saw instead was this 6 foot 3 man lying flat on his back, jaundice, with a urine bag filled with what looked like watered down coffee. My immediate reaction inside my brain was, “This is what a dying man looks like”.

I walked over to the sisters and gave a brief, ‘good to see you hugg’ as they chatted away, oblivious to the seriousness going on around them. I think we all have those moments when our brain is protecting us from what’s to come.

In walks Granddaddy’s nurse. About 5 foot 7, slender, dark brown bob haircut. Funny the details one remembers from these times… Maybe I knew that she was about ready to change this family’s world and my mind took a snapshot of her. She asked if I was family and the sisters chimed in with, “She’s the daughter-in-law”. I smiled and said, “Yep. My kid is the heir to the throne.” (Long running joke in the family) The sisters start asking how they would have to change Granddaddy’s diet when he went home. With a puzzled look on her face, the nurse that yes, his diet would change, when he left there. That part wasn’t sinking in with them… Maybe, they were optimistically avoiding the truth. Having finally realized that he was in liver failure, the nurse and I locked eyes and I asked the question I was sent there for, “Is he actually going to be able to go home?” She quietly shook her head, I slightly nodded in reply. You see, my aunt had just died less than 6 months prior of basically the same thing. Although I wasn’t back home when it was going on, based on conversation with my family, I knew the road ahead we were about to take. The sisters were quietly crying because now they knew what they had been avoiding. And I knew that I would have to speak up and get the answers to questions that his son would have been asking. That is exactly what I told her… “I am here on behalf of his son so please say what needs to be said so I can let him know.” He woudl be stabilized for transport to an extended care facility but in the meantime, a Red Cross volunteer would come in to start getting information to bring his son home.

Shortly after, in walked a short, plump woman that just exuded love and warmth. You just knew that she was the one that could give the best huggs and hold you tight while you cried. She started asking military questions… base, rank, last four, squadron, etc. I knew all of the answers and gave them. My job right then was to make things a bit easier on the sisters so they could be there for each other. She looked at Granddaddy, then looked at us and asked, “Can I pray for all of you?” I can’t recall the exact words but I do remember the feeling of guidance and support.

I sent the text… “Let me know when you’re ready.” My phone rang. I stepped out in to the hallway and started walking and said, “What all do you want to know?” The reply was, “Everything.”

“Get here now. I don’t care how you do it, just get here. Drive down, get on a plane, just get here now.”

Granddaddy died about a month later with his son at his side, holding his hand. Every time I hear this song, I remember telling his son almost the exact same words, “Oh, baby run”.

Health & Spiritual

Pool time = Me time

  • June 1, 2020

Don’t be jealous when I tell you how I spent my day… Doing absolutely nothing. Ok, maybe only a few hours, but it is exactly what my soul needed.

I’m lucky to have a friends with a pool. I’m even luckier that they are usually travelling during the summer and have entrusted me with watering the plants.

Wait, that sounds bad. I really do miss them and would love to have our evenings on the back porch with a glass of wine (or two or three… bottles). But, the pool needs to get used, right?

So, during the summer weekends, I make time for myself by just floating on the water. And in those couple / few hours, I listen to my choice of music, let thoughts run through my head and stretch out, easing my muscles and tension. When I’m done, I am a more relaxed version of myself with a bit of sun glow.

Do your best to find time for yourself, outside Whether it is sitting in a lawn chair at a park, blanket at the beach, or floating in a pool, we all need moments in nature just to relax and let the tension release from our bodies.

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