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Swimming With The Rain
All me

Reflecting on 2018…

  • July 11, 2020

As I was going through the notes section on my phone, I came across this and thought it was filled with so many reminders about life and things I still aspire to. Maybe it will inspire you, too.

2018 is coming to a close. I have chosen to be thankful that I am still alive after a severe asthma attack and I’m not taking this life for granted. I have chosen to walk away from people in my life because they weren’t good for me. I have chosen to strengthen my relationships with those that are. Life is about the choices that we make.

Anyways, what have I learned this year?

Love. The love of my boys I truly enjoy because they make me smile and fill me with so much happiness. They are my family and I am so proud watching them in this life and have renewed my strength to just enjoy them.


Friendship. Those that you can be yourself with, those are the ones that need to be kept around.


Trust. This was the big one for me because I had to trust that others would be there when I reached out.


Of course I have had my feelings hurt this year, but I have realized that their attitude is not my problem to deal with, it is theirs. Then again, it was my feelings that were hurt so I have had to take a step back and let myself realize why I let them hurt my feelings, and that is a lot of reflecting.

Why am I saying all of this… Because I made the choice to put a positive perspective on this past year. So get out there and feel love, nurture your friendships, and open yourself to trust.

Turn the music up and dance around your house. Soak up the moment you are in. Be willing to feel love and enjoyment. Learn to be at peace with yourself. Quit surrounding yourself with people that thrive off drama. Reach out to people just to say hi.

And most of all, love yourself.

Entertainment

Drinking Buddies – 2013, starring Olivia Wilde, Jake Johnson,…

  • June 28, 2020

I decided to have a “me” day and get some things done around the house, then spend my evening watching a good movie. I must have started five different ones but nothing was “hitting” me. Scrolled through Hulu and what do I see, “Drinking Buddies”. Well, I love Jake Johnson! I found him because of “New Girl” and honestly, he was my favorite character on the show as Nick. Ok, I probably developed a bit of a “movie star crush” because he is the type that I would go for – brown hair, brown eyes, manly, funny, and loveable.

Back to the movie review…. I have always enjoyed watching movies that portray a group dynamic and how they relate to different people. This movie did not disappoint! First, watch the preview so you can get a feeling for who is who. You will see that Kate (Olivia Wilde) and Luke (Jake Johnson) are best friends that work at the same brewery and have dreams of opening their own bar together. Jill (Anna Kendrick) is Luke’s girlfriend and Chris (Ron Livingston) is Kate’s boyfriend.

Ok, so in the preview, you are wondering if Luke and Kate are hooking up or if there is going to be a group thing or what… I am personally giving this movie 5 out of 5 stars because I loved it so much! My brief review is below before I get in to the notes I took (I’m weird like that).

The interesting thing about this movie is that it was completely improvised. The actors did not have any scripts but were given an outline of basically what direction to take the characters. To me, not only does this prove how incredible these actors truly are, but it makes the movie so much more believable. You can feel the reactions on their faces, experiencing the joy they are going through or confusion as they are trying to figure out what to say. The camera just seems to weave in and out of conversation, around people, goes closer to get particular expressions, but also pans back to give you a sense of the room. You truly feel that you are there with these characters as they talk and laugh and even the background noise feels authentic, not forced or added in. Since this movie was filmed at a brewery in Chicago, they were drinking actual beer and spent a lot of time drunk, which added to the realness of their conversations.

Go ahead and admit it… We’ve all been there ~ We have had a work crush. If you have a significant other, don’t ask them, because it is in their best interest (and yours), so they are going to deny it. At one time or another, we have had that one person that makes going to work just a bit more fun, you might even dress a bit nicer because of them. It’s not like you are ever going to do anything about it, you just look forward to seeing them. Or, maybe they aren’t really a work crush but someone that would be referred to as your “work husband / wife / spouse”. They are the ones that you can complain to about work and they understand what you are talking about. You two have an easy rapport and you can joke, fight, make up, remember their favorite candy bar… You know the one. It’s the one at work that makes you feel like you are special. And why is that? Because you don’t have home responsibilities together, which we all know can put some stress on a relationship. Anyways, that’s Luke and Kate. They are each other’s work spouses and they get along great! If you don’t have one of these at work, it will make you wish that you had one. The problem with this is, they took their friendship outside of work and that is where problems can start.

MOVIE QUOTES

Kate: You made your own bed, alright? Luke: Yeah, and you fucking slept in it. Kate: Well, you didn’t stop me.

Kate: it’s good, it has just enough room for me and my imaginary cat.

Kate: That’s the problem with heartbreak, to you it’s like an atomic bomb and to the world it’s just really cliche, because in the end we all have the same experience.

Chris: Sometimes things that are really hard can be really rewarding because they’re hard, you know

Luke: Hey, here’s the truth: I am done giving you shit, and I am sorry. I have no place. You are a grown woman, and if you want to have sex with a disgusting, bad brewer with a terrible attitude…

Luke: By the way, I’m not doing anymore double dates either. This was fun.

Chris: I don’t think that this is working. I think eight months is enough time to know whether this is going to work.

Kate: Tonight, no one is going home to their significant other because I no longer have one.

MY NOTES & OPINIONS

When Kate and Luke are at the bar with the other co-workers having a great time, you can see the change on Kate’s face when Jill comes in that she no longer has them all to herself, and that Luke is happy to see Jill.

Kate heads over to Chris’s after drinking with her work boys and reaches in to his plate with her fingers to grab a bite. You can tell that he does not care for that type of behavior, but she doesn’t seem to notice, even when he gives her the plate of food to eat.

Chris goes to bed early and Kate is laying in bed listening to Luke and Jill playing 21, the game Luke taught Kate earlier in the day. I think there is a bit of jealousy there as she can hear them laughing and just genuinely having a good time, as a couple.

Their first morning at the cabin, Chris suggests going for a hike and only Jill wants to go. As they are walking, you kind of come in mid conversation but assume they are talking about their significant others and it feels like Chris is surprised that someone like Kate would want him.

Jill is sitting on the blanket with Chris, and he appreciates her upscale ways. She tells him how she feels her heart racing and that she is nervous. He ends up kissing her which makes me realize that there was an unspoken energy going on between the two of them and their conversation while walking must have been very intimate. During this time, it is showing scenes of Luke and Kate playing cards, opening beers, just laughing and having such a great time.

After Jill passes out on the couch, Luke and Kate go and build a bonfire on the beach and Kate suggests going for a swim and she starts stripping down. Luke says no and I’m watching him hoping that he’s going to be a good man, because let’s be honest, Olivia Wilde would be a hard one to turn down. But, he does. He stays by the fire drinking his beer. I had a lot of respect for him in that moment.

Kate and Chris have broken up which makes Luke a bit nervous. She was safe to flirt and have fun with as long as she had a boyfriend, but now that she is single, I think he realizes that she is no longer “safe”, and it shows in his attitude at the bar when he says he’ll drive her home, almost as if he’s turned in to the big brother.

Jill seems to take a pause in her thoughts when Luke tells her that Kate and Chris have broken up. And you have to wonder what exactly is going through her mind… Is she thinking that Chris is more her type ~ educated, not wanting to stay out at bars late, deep thinker… Or is she worried that Kate and Luke will get together since their chemistry is pretty obvious?

Kate and Luke’s relationship really changes when he finds out that she went home with another guy. I’m sure there is a bit of jealousy. Kind of, “If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else to.”

Kate goes by Chris’s apartment after drinking, and he reiterates that they are broken up and not meant for each other. It seems to me that she doesn’t like to be alone and is used to her charm working on men.

Jill goes to Costa Rica with her friends (I think she was going away with Chris) and so Kate and Luke spend the evening together drinking and laughing. I was not thrilled with the massages or sleeping on the couch together. I think that showed a lack of respect on Luke’s part, but I think in his immaturity, he thought that they were just friends, so it wasn’t a big deal.

Kate tells Luke that she is moving and needs to move the next day, so he offers to help. When they get to her house, he is shocked to find that it is such a mess and that she has had birthday decorations and cups laying around for quite awhile, which she seems unfazed by. He falls asleep after getting the majority of work done and Kate stands there watching him. Instead of going to the couch, she snuggles in behind and puts her arm around him. I think she is so desperate for closeness, that even that will work for her. I really felt for her in that moment.

The next day, Luke is acting like his normal self, in full on friend / brotherly mode and goes to get the Uhaul and Kate seems to be very attracted to this, which I totally get. As a single woman, it is sometimes nice when a man takes charge and helps you with these things, especially when you don’t have to ask. She is probably also seeing it as how they are doing “couple” things and that this is how it could really be. But, when he cuts his hand on a nail, she is kind of blowing it off and saying how they need to move the couch. Luke snaps at her and Kate’s body language shows that there is a change in them. No longer is she able to charm him and be very blase, he is in real pain and is shown trying to take care of himself. She doesn’t try to help him rinse it or know where anything is, just seems very uncaring and more concerned for herself. Kate says she will calls someone that can help and it ends up being the guy that she slept with, and of course she is just charming and saying all the things she would have to Luke. When the moving is done, Luke reminds her that they were going to clean up so they could go and have a nice meal to celebrate. That no longer sounds like fun and she wants to go drinking with the guys. She starts yelling at him and I think she is doing that to protect herself and come off as not caring about Luke at all.

Luke heads home to find out that Jill came home early from her trip. When she sees his hand, she automatically goes in to caretaker mode and that shows how those two are so different. I think that somewhere in Luke’s mind, he was thinking that Kate might be fun because she likes to party. But, after seeing Kate’s chaotic home life, he sees in Jill what he really wants ~ a help mate, someone that keeps him grounded and takes care of him. Jill is honest and tells Luke about the kiss and admits that it was a mistake. In that instant, I think that Luke realizes what he could have lost, and pulls her in for a kiss and a long hugg.

The last scene is Kate and Luke during lunchtime at work. Whereas they always had lunch together, it shows Kate eating alone. Luke comes in, still sits down next to her, but they don’t speak and it’s an uncomfortable silence. But, she slides fries over to him and when he starts eating them, she smiles.

The great thing about the ending is that while it left me wanting more, it lets the viewer imagine what the continuing story would be. I would like to think that Kate and Luke do remain friends, but there is a bit of a distance between them now, knowing how close they were to cross the line. Because once you cross it, you can never go back to being normal.

Life

Valentine’s Day love notes never sent…

  • June 27, 2020

My plan leading up to that Valentine’s Day was to give him a bunch of random song lyrics, all in a red box. Some of the phrases were from songs that played in the background, others were from ones that I came across while flipping radio stations while driving, with him on my mind. It wasn’t that all of these songs were about those lovey dovey moments, because we really didn’t have those, it was about the time spent together. But, with all of my “love stories”, this one did not have a happy ending.

I came across the bag the other day with my final letter and the notes, still folded in half. Although I had read the letter to him, I never handed it over, and actually omitted parts of it while reading with controlled emotions. And now, I sit on my bed with these notes, still perfectly folded in half, and read each one aloud… I am realizing that some of the lyrics weren’t necessarily about him, but about me and the struggles that I was going through in my life at that time. Each one has given a me smile, sometimes a reflective pause, taking me back to a moment, where I was filled with so much confusion, but a love for the life we shared then. So, here are the quotes and lyrics… If YOU are reading this, thanks for the memories!

To the things I believe in… My faith, your love, our freedom. To the things I can count on, To keep me going strong… Yeah, I hold on.

Like the stripes to the flag, like a boy to his dad… I can’t change who I am, right or wrong… So I hold on.

I bet that your neighbors hate us, ’cause we could laugh all night, and never sleep.

There’ll be days your heart don’t wanna beat, you pray more than you breathe.

I hope that you see right through my walls.

I wish nothing but the best for you…

I wouldn’t trade one memory, because you mean too much to me.

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

It will all get better in time…

Never had much faith in love… or miracles.

Walking between raindrops, riding the aftershock with you…

I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again.

I’ve been sleep walking, been wandering all night… Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right.

I love this life.

I don’t wanna steal your freedom, I don’t wanna change your mind.

I swear you hit me like a vision, I wasn’t expecting, but who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go…

It’s good to be alive… Right about now!

You could’ve rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell… Could’ve walked away. But, you’re still here, and I’m still here.

Come on over… I like the sound of that.

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart… It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun.

Got a feeling that I’m going under… But I know that I’ll make it out alive.

I just wanna sing a little chill song, get my groove on…

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset…

Make it up as we go along.

A big ol’ couch in a big ol’ room, still feels lonely when it’s just you.

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

Under the light of a thousand stars…

Words you wanna take back… But you know you can’t.

And his voice is a familiar sound.

Oh, I know that I don’t need a whole lot of anything… I just want a little bit of everything.

Well, the trouble with up… Is there’s always a down.

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Said I’ll always be a friend. Took an oath, I’m gonna stick it out ’til the end…

Thinking out loud…

And the crowds don’t remember my name…

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell…

So this is what you meant, when you said you were spent…

I thought I’d been hurt before, but no one has left me quite this sore.

Get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.

We’ve come a long way from where we began…

Please don’t stand so close to me, I’m having trouble breathing… I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now…

I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.

I need someone to breathe me back to life.

I don’t ever want to let you down.

The sun is filling up the room, And I can hear you dreaming…

And light it up like it’s our last chance.

Well, there it is. I’ll be throwing away the hand written notes that serve as a reminder of feelings that went beyond my control. But the letter… I’ll keep that as a memento of that season of my life. Some memories I will cherish, while others, I will hide down deep. I do know this, I learned a lot about my relationship needs during those months ~ I need a man that will keep me laughing, have long conversations, is capable of household repairs, makes me feel sexy, trusts me with his secrets… Now I just need to find all of that and be willing to let him know my story… And if he can still love me after all of that, plus make me feel loved without any confusion, I will have found the one.

Books

Daisy Jones & The Six

  • June 15, 2020

From Goodreads ~ “Everyone knows Daisy Jones & The Six: The band’s album Aurora came to define the rock ‘n’ roll era of the late seventies, and an entire generation of girls wanted to grow up to be Daisy. But no one knows the reason behind the group’s split on the night of their final concert at Chicago Stadium on July 12, 1979 . . . until now.”

Can you smell the smoke from the burning cigarette? Can you taste the sip of sweet whiskey touching your lips? You can hear each drag of the cigarette, each sip of whiskey… You can see the men crossing their arms while they lean back in their chairs, the women fidgeting by touching their hair, and each person casting their eyes downward as they admit their histories. This is a book that will take you back to when sex, drugs, and rock & roll was the reality for musicians with dreams of singing their music to the people, and getting caught up in its world.

If you have never used Audible, this is one book I highly suggest you do it with. Listening to this book, you feel as if you are watching an episode of ‘Behind The Scenes’ on VH1, with such a realness to the characters, you just sit back and listen. I would love to know how they were able to get the names they did to narrate and bring each character to life. Daisy Jones ~ Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), Billy Dunne ~ Pablo Schreiber (13 Hours, Orange Is the New Black, Den of Thieves), Graham Dunne ~ Benjamit Bratt (Miss Congeniality, Law & Order, Private Practice), Karen Karen ~ Judy Greer (13 Going on 30, The Wedding Planner), Jim Blades ~ Jonathan Davis (Korn), and soooo many other great narrators!

I loved this book so much that I plan on getting pretty in depth and adding in my answers to the book club questions. Once it is done, I’ll add the link here.

Favorite Quotes~

Let me put it this way: I’ve seen a lot of marriages where everyone is faithful and nobody is happy. ~Camila

It was a big lesson for me when I was young—being given things versus earning them. I was so used to being given things that I didn’t know how important it is for your soul to earn them. ~Daisy

That’s the one thing they don’t mention when they tell you to stay away from drugs. They don’t say, “Drugs will have you sleeping with some real jerks.” But they should. ~Daisy

Music can dig, you know? It can take a shovel to your chest and just start digging until it hits something. ~Eddie

Actually, it wasn’t that fun, it was just that I was happy. Everything seems fun when you’re happy. ~Graham

I don’t believe in soul mates anymore, and I’m not looking for anything. But if I did believe in them, I’d believe your soul mate was somebody who had all the things you didn’t, that needed all the things you had. Not somebody who’s suffering from the same stuff you are. ~Karen

She had written something that felt like I could have written it, except that I knew I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have come up with something like that. Which is what we all want from art, isn’t it? When someone pins down something that feels like it lives inside us? Take a piece of your heart out and shows it to you? ~Billy

But loving somebody isn’t perfection and good times and laughing and making love. Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch. That’s why it’s a dangerous thing, when you go loving the wrong person. When you love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. You have to be with someone that deserves your faith and you have to be deserving of someone else’s. It’s sacred. ~Billy

But music is never about music. It if was, we’d be writing songs about guitars. But we don’t. We write songs about women. ~Graham

I swear, I think about that day sometimes when I’m feeling low. I think about it to remind myself you never know what kind of crazy good shit is around the corner. But it’s hard not to remember, when I think about that day, that lots of crazy bad shit is often around the corner, too. ~Graham

Acceptance is a powerful drug. And I should know because I’ve done them all. ~Daisy

I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. ~Daisy

All I will say is that you show up for your friends on their hardest days. And you hold their hand through the roughest parts. Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding. ~Camila

You do sometimes sit and wonder why it wasn’t you, what makes you so special that you get to be safe. The world doesn’t make much sense. ~Billy

Let me tell you the sweet spot for being in rock ’n’ roll. People think it’s when you’re at the top but no. That’s what when you’ve got the pressure and the expectations. What’s good is when everybody thinks you’re headed somewhere fast, when you’re all potential. ~Warren

It hurts to care about someone more than they care about themselves. I can tell that story from both sides. ~Billy

It was such a sad love song. About wanting somebody you can’t have and knowing you’re going to want them anyway. ~Billy

It’s very vulnerable, being an artist, telling the truth like that, like we’re doing now. When you’re living your life, you’re so inside your head, you’re swirling around in your own pain, that it’s hard to see how obvious it is to the people around you. These songs I was writing felt coded and secret, but I suspect they weren’t coded and secret at all. ~Daisy

Some people will never stop being themselves. And you think it drives you crazy but it is the very thing you will think about when the are gone. When you don’t have them in your life anymore. ~Billy

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE BOOK

Book Club Questions~

The majority of these questions, I have copied from different book review websites, possibly combining questions and / or rewording.

Be honest… Did you google the band before you were finished, and if so, what did you think?

Did you listen to or read the book and what did you think of the oral history format?

What feelings did this book evoke for you?

This style of narration highlights that memory is often unreliable ~ different characters have conflicting stories or versions of events, or have reshaped their thoughts and feelings over the years. How do you feel this was most played out in the book?

Many of the characters seem to be searching for something to fill a void, and they turn to music or drugs or sex. What do you think the various characters, particularly Daisy and Billy, are looking for?

Daisy admits in the interview how shell felt for Billy. But, even all these years later, Billy can’t quite get there. He hints at it, but he always goes back to his love for Camila. Why do you think he can’t admit how he felt and possibly still feels about Daisy?

In what ways did their songwriting and actions on stage tell the truth when maybe they weren’t being honest to each other and to themselves?

How did you feel about Karen and Graham’s relationship? Did you want it to me more or did you understand where each side was coming from?

The book leads up to telling about the band’s last concert in Chicago stadium and Daisy leaving the band. How did you feel about Camila taking care of Daisy that night, telling Daisy to leave, then wishing her well?

What did you think about Billy and Camila’s relationship? Why do you think she stuck with him through it all?

Did the identity of the “author” of this book surprise you? Did it make you reconsider the story or any of the events?

We learn what everyone has been up to since the band broke up. What did you think of the addition of this information to the book and were there any surprises?

Before Camila passed away, she wrote an email to her daughters asking them to give their dad Daisy’s number? Why do you think she did this and do you think Billy will contact her?

Which character in the book would you most like to meet?

If you could hear this story from another person’s point of view, who would you choose?

Friendship

The Power of Conversation

  • June 5, 2020

Conversations vary with different people. It seems that sometimes when you talk to a friend, particularly on the phone, it is to catch up and talk about your day to day life. It is not often that you will get in to a serious conversation and really explore the depths of your silent thoughts. You may touch on a subject, but aren’t we all afraid to speak openly at times? To really say our true feelings without the fear of embarrassment or rejection? What about the intelligent conversations? Where in our life can we fully discuss things with our friends and ask questions about ourselves?

At times, there are friends that we may feel the need to pull away from, for whatever reason. It always seems that women miss talking to each other, though. Their friend could have been less than perfect in certain friendship areas (that only we women seem to understand), but we remember the conversations – we crave the conversation! It could have been nothing more than having someone to talk to about our day or discussing life with children and husbands. Sometimes we wonder if certain friendships are even worth it and do we truly trust this person. However, I think that we have to look at the friendship and decide what we get out of it. Do we get gossip? A free babysitter? Someone to occupy our time? Those may be important issues for some of us and I have learned that each friend is there for a certain reason, for only us to decide. Very rarely will we find one friend that will fulfill every need that we could possibly have.

Yet, it is our friends that give us insight in to ourselves. Not necessarily by making us question our values of how we live, but by having those heart felt conversations on marriage, child birth, divorce, death, religion …. You name it. By having intimate conversations, we are able to truly see ourselves and learn to vocalize our fears, needs and wants through others by realizing that maybe we aren’t alone in this world – that we are all going through it together. By recognizing our friends weaknesses, we will hopefully recognize our own and begin to build on those to make them in to a strength that is powerful – one that we will want to share – something to help us become better reacquainted with our life.

Where can we stimulate our minds more than by discussing life with our friends? In business, we stimulate our minds with numbers and problems where we can feel the gratification when a certain transaction is completed, filing it away as complete. Yet, in friendships, we keep building. We will go through life together and hold each others hands and talk about our experiences. Years later, we will remember that particular time in our lives, regardless if we have become acquaintances with these friends or still remain close and will know that from one conversation, we may have changed our viewpoint on a certain subject. Yet if it wasn’t completely changed, we opened our eyes just a bit to look at a different side of life. Maybe that is the challenging thing about friendships and the conversations – how to remain friends even when our opinions differ.

At times, friends give you a view in to your thoughts that you had not even stopped to realize. Then there are the times that they can hurt you with a simple comment or a reminder of a time that you would rather forget. These are the instances that we have not been completely honest with ourselves or our friends – we do not let them know how we really feel on a subject out of what? Fear? Denial? And only when they make these comments, do we realize how it hurts. If we are good at lying to ourselves, they will not notice the little cringe that tightens our heart. Then again, maybe we should ask ourselves if they are that good of friends that they didn’t realize it would truly hurt….. or maybe they intended to hurt us just to see our reaction – to catch a glimpse of our eyes flickering or our voice faltering when continuing on. Is that fair to our friend – to deny further knowing us and to understand this confusion that rests within us? Wouldn’t it be better to sit down over a cup of coffee and honestly say, “You hurt me”? Or would that put a hindering on the conversation and take away what we need the most – companionship……..

Exercise

Exercise Motivation Quotes

  • June 2, 2020

The majority of us do not look like the women modeling the latest active wear. It can be so hard to keep our motivation up when we look around and see all of these “perfect” people at the gym, or doing a morning run, or modeling the latest yoga pants. When you need that reminder or extra push, take a look at these. Better yet, follow us on Pinterest!

Life

He’s not MY boy any longer

  • June 1, 2020

My boy turned 25 today. Well, he’s no longer my boy. Actually, he was never MY boy. He belonged to his mother. But, I had a piece of his heart for over four years.

When I first met Carson, his dad and I had been dating for just over a year. The kids had figured out that something was up and a relative let them know that their dad had been dating someone. I think I was more nervous to meet the kids than I was for the first date with their dad. Walking in to meet them for the first time, I never knew that I would become such a big part of their lives.

Glenn told me how friendly Carson was and was just sure that we would hit it off the first night. Boy, did he get that one wrong.

I walked in and this 11 year old that still wore baby fat with a layer of expensive name brand clothes, just looked at me. He politely shook my hand, when his father told him to, then went and sat on the couch. Luckily, there was the dog, a boxer named Max. I told people after that whole encounter that the only one that truly liked me in that house for awhile was Max. Ha! Max came and sat on the floor next to me, and I just kept petting his head, just to have something to do with my hands. Carson tried to head upstairs to his room but his dad told him to stay in the living room. I asked questions about sports, school, you name it. I mean, I had a 12 year old, I can relate to pre-teen boys! Well, Carson decided that if he had to stay in the living room, the easiest way to not look at me was to put a blanket over his whole body, including his head. What in the world had I gotten myself in to? When I drove away, I was so close to texting his dad and saying, “Your kids won.”

A few weeks later, I invited all of them over to my house for dinner, along with some other friends. I figured this would be an easy time for the kids as there would be plenty to do and it wouldn’t seem like forced “family time”. I’ll never forget that just before we sat down to eat, Glenn grabbed his keys and said he was running to McDonald’s. “Why?” I asked. “Well, Carson said he doesn’t like enchilada’s.” I looked around for Carson but didn’t see him. “When did he tell you this?” “Well, he texted me.” “From upstairs?” There was a nod… “Has he ever had them?” Shake of the head… “Tell that boy to try them and if he doesn’t like them, I will go and get him McDonald’s.” Flash forward a couple weeks later and I’m out at his house when some friends come over… “This is my dad’s girlfriend and she makes the BEST enchiladas!” That kind of became our thing… If I was trying to figure out what to make for dinner, he’d wink and say, “You know what I want”. A few years later, he met my mom and while hugging her, he said, “Thank you for teaching your daughter how to make the best enchiladas ever!” By that age, he had started to perfect his charm.

Carson always had a charm to him. He knew how to shake his dad’s friends hands and talk sports, he would hug the friend’s wives when they came over and compliment them on their hair or team shirt (sports was big in that house), he would take the kids and jump in to the pool with them… He was growing in to the young man that we all wish our sons to be but know that they are the ones that will seduce our daughters.

For his birthday one year, after the football team won a National Championship, I made him a tied fleece blanket. Not hard to make, just a bit time consuming. But, if anyone was going to appreciate this blanket, it was going to be him. I special ordered the fleece with his teams logo for one side, then did the other in a matching color. I don’t know whose eyes were bigger, Carson or his dad’s, when he opened it. However, I very rarely saw him with it. I asked him why and he told me he was afraid it would get dirty or someone else in the house (eyes on his dad) would snag it. “Then where is it?” “It’s in my closet. I pull it out when I want it.” You see, the boy had a lock on his closet door because his brother used to steal his nice clothes and either disappear with them or leave them with food stains.

Carson knew how to appreciate being in the moment… He used to run around chasing my 4 year old son, telling him that there was a monster in the closet, while my son would squeal with laughter. He’d tell the little one, “You want to see where my dad hides the cookies?” There was one particular evening where it was just Glenn and I with his boys. Carson convinced us that we should go to the movies since there was a new one with Mark Wahlberg in it. First, we went to dinner and grabbed burgers. His dad stepped out to take a call so I paid the bill. Carson looked at me with surprise and then said, “That’s cool of you to do that.” The movie ended up being awful (“The Happening”) but he got a kick out of seeing me jump and scream at one point.

With his charm, came a sneaky side that his dad seemed to never notice. One time, I googled his name to figure out what he was doing on social media and there was a video of him on youtube jumping from the one story part of the house IN TO THE POOL!!! Cautiously, I brought it up to his dad, asking if the kids have ever thought of doing stupid things when we’re not there, like jumping from the fence or rooftop. My “innocent” question was met with, “Of course not. He’s smarter than that.” Anyways, we’re all relaxing in the pool and there’s Carson with his charming ways asking his dad if he thinks it’s possible to jump from the first story in to the pool, his dad starts telling him something about ratio, gravity, blah blah blah. But, I see the twinkle in Carson’s eyes… “Sweetie, hand me my phone so I can look up youtube videos of this type of stupidity.” Head hung down, he says, “Never mind.” I smiled and said, “Don’t ever think I can’t find things out.”

Once he got his drivers license, he knew that I wasn’t the one to throw his charm at any longer. He’d come home shortly after 11 on a Friday night after working at a restaurant, shower, come downstairs and then announce, “Hey, I’m going to go and pick Cody up so he can stay the night.” My standard reply, “Nothing good happens after 11. And technically, according to the fine state we live in, you can’t drive after 11.” He tried the line of, “Well, I can if I’m coming home after work.” Back to me looking him up and down, “You sure smell good for working at a restaurant.” You see, I have this theory… Teenagers are not trustable. How do I know this? I was one.

And then, Carson had a girlfriend. No big deal, right? He’s 16 and not my son. Parental mode kicked in when I saw that he was shy about introducing me to her. With a name like Mary Kate and looking like a nice wholesome girl, what’s not to love? Perhaps the way she stared at my boy like only a teenage girl that is feeling that first love feel can. And also the way that her hair was disheveled when they came downstairs to watch a football game with us… (Don’t even get me started on Glenn allowing them to be upstairs in the room together.) While cooking dinner one evening, he came by to look over my shoulder (when did the kid get tall enough to do that?) and I very calmly said, “Make good decisions. Do not make me call your dad Grandpa yet.” He laughed and with all of his charm said, “And what will you be called?” Looking him right in the eye, I said, “Prisoner 643429”. His smile kind of faded as he said, “Yes, m’am”.

As I said, sports were BIG in that house. And I mean big. His dad had season tickets to their favorite college football team and I went once or twice a year with him, the kids went the others. But, there was one rivalry game that I had been wanting to go to so bad. Carson sent me a text one evening and said, “For your birthday, I’m giving up my seat to you since I know you’ve been wanting to go.” Oh, my heart!!! He was going to miss out on one of the biggest games just to let me go! This game had been on my dream list of being able to say, “I remember that game. I was there!” But, in my heart of hearts, I knew that it wasn’t in me to take away their yearly tradition. Did I want to go? You better believe it! Do I regret my decision? Not in the least. I had the chance but I knew the memories of him going with his dad would make my soul happy.

There are so many articles about how to deal with a breakup and what emotions you will feel, when its time to move on, how to learn from your mistakes. But, what they don’t teach you is what happens when you lose the kids, also. I’m not here to teach you how to move past it, because I don’t know. All I know is that when I think of that time in my life, I think of them as my kids and I remember that one special boy that had a piece of my heart.

About 6 months after the breakup, I was at the gym and I felt someone watching me, I turned around and there was Carson. We hugged and he told me how his Senior year of highschool was going. My boy, growing up. When he graduated, I received an announcement in the mail. Knowing I wasn’t going to attend, I sent him a check with a card telling him how proud I was of him and I received a thank you card which he personalized with kind words; somewhere I still have it. I pull up his facebook every now and then just to make sure he is doing well. He finished college, still has the dimple, a twinkle in his eye, and is ending up with his dad’s hairline. And you better believe that if I ever run in to him again, he will get a big momma hugg from me!

Entertainment

Chasing Amy, 1997

  • May 30, 2020May 31, 2020

I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t seen this movie in 1997 when it came out. Oh! I had a young child and was knee deep in the Disney Channel, not movies about 20 something year olds that I could not possibly relate to. But, here I am all these years later truly appreciating what I am seeing on screen.

Here’s the synopsis that Netflix gives this movie ~ Comic book artist Holden meets the perfect woman, only to learn that she’s a lesbian. But, that doesn’t stop him from falling in love with her. So, why do I want to watch this movie? I’m not in to comic books, and I have no desire to watch a guy fall for a girl that he can’t possibly get, because I’m just not going to understand. I was wrong.

Holden McNeil: I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. And it’s not because you’re unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You’re the epitome of every attribute and quality I’ve ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I can’t do this any longer. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship – no pun intended – but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can’t hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn’t allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I’ll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not suppress that – at least for ten minutes – and try to dwell in it before you dismiss it. There isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who’s ever made me the person I am when I’m with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it’s there between you and me. You can’t deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I’m forever changed because of you and what you’ve meant to me, which – while I do appreciate it – I’d never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

That. That right there… That is either the speech that we have wanted to hear all of our lives or maybe we’ve said it… If Netflix or some other movie site had given me that synopsis years ago, I would have jumped on the bandwagon a long time ago. What I learned is that this movie is part of the Kevin Smith and View Askewniverse world he has going on with Jay and Silent Bob movies, which I have never seen. Then again, if you would have told me that it was by the guy that did the Jay and Silent Bob movies (Kevin Smith IS Silent Bob), I wouldn’t have watched because stoned out people are just not my type of movies to watch. Alright, back to Chasing Amy.

Notes I made about what jumped out at me (besides the awesome speeches and one liners)

  • In the early scene with them signing autographs, not only do you see Ethan Suplee who played Louie Lastik in Remember The Titans in 2000, you see a young Casey Affleck.
  • Awwww… the whole pagers era and having to find a quarter to make that call.
  • Interesting, Alyssa’s friends referred to it as “The Pronoun Game” when she was referring to Holden as someone, they, etc., so she wouldn’t have to say that he was a male.
  • When they were laying cuddled up in bed and his hand was playing with her shoulder, I was hit with this true sense of intimacy.
  • When Alyssa yelled at Holden in the parking lot… She nailed it! I truly felt that raw emotion and you could hear the scrapes in her voice as she was letting him know how she felt.

Alyssa played by Joey Lauren Adams – I always really liked her. She looks quite similar to Renee Zellweger but seems more approachable. Then again, maybe they look similar to the whole late 90’s rom com scene. I recognize her more from playing Adam Sandler’s love interest in Big Daddy and playing the friend or sister (can’t remember which one) of Jennifer Anniston’s character in The Breakup.

Jason Lee as Banky is the one that I kept looking at knowing that I knew who he was but I just couldn’t picture it yet. Such a good looking man! As soon as the movie was over, I typed his name in to google and there he was! How could I not know this?!? He’s Dave Seville on Alvin and The Chipmunks (I told you I was raising kids) and My Name is Earl.

So, great movie once you get past all the raunchiness in the beginning, it is so well worth watching! Quotes from the movie that just really hit me…

Silent Bob: So there’s me and Amy, and we’re all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Which, as we all know, is a really dumb move. But you know how it is: you don’t wanna know, but you just have to, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So, anyway, she starts telling me about him… how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… and I’m okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Ménage à trois, I believe it’s called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God’s sake. So I’m totally weirded out by this, right? And then I just start blasting her. Like… I don’t know how to deal with what I’m feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her a slut, right? And tell her she was used. I’m… I’m out for blood. I really wanna hurt this girl. I’m like, “What the fuck is your problem?”, right? And she’s just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time and it was that place and she doesn’t think she should apologize because she doesn’t feel that she’s done anything wrong. I’m like, “Oh, really?” That’s when I look her straight in the eye, I tell her it’s over. I walk. No, idiot. It was a mistake. I didn’t hate her. I wasn’t disgusted with her. I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small, like… like I’d lacked experience, like I’d never be on her level, like I’d never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I’m saying? But, what I did not get, she didn’t care. She wasn’t looking for that guy anymore. She was… she was looking for me, for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figure this all out, it was too late, man. She moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So, I’ve spent every day since then chasing Amy… so to speak.

Alyssa: You know, I didn’t just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it’s the natural way, that kind of thing. I’m not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you – it’s so rare. My parents didn’t really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn’t. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, ’cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn’t look. And for me that makes all the difference.

Holden: If this is a crush, I don’t think I could take it if the real thing ever happened.

Alyssa: Maybe you knew early on that your track was from point A to B, but unlike you I was not given a fucking map at birth, so I tried it all! That is until we, that’s you and I, got together and suddenly I was sated!

Friendship

An overwhelming love of a friend…

  • May 29, 2020May 31, 2020

It was a simple request I sent to a few people along with the link for this website…

Hello! If you have a chance, will you take a look at this and let me know what you think. It’s not done, obviously, and some “buttons” do not have links. I would really like your honest opinion about the layout, etc, anything that you think needs to be updated, etc. And if you would like to follow on fb, pinterest, or instagram, that’s cool, too. I haven’t decided yet if I want to keep my name off of it, so please don’t announce that this is me. Oh! And if looking from your phone, it may not be as “smooth” as from computer. I just need some different eyes on it, besides mine, and I’m reaching out to a few who I think would like it. Thank you!

I sent this out before heading to work and expected… Oh, I don’t know what I expected. Something. Someone to tell me that it was good… that they enjoyed how to cut a pineapple or that they like the pictures.

Sitting at work, the facetime call comes in. Have you ever had this gut reaction that this is going to be an emotional call? I did. So, I walked outside to have some privacy. I didn’t even put my sunglasses on and I always have them on outside. Somewhere in me, I knew my eyes needed to be seen by her.

And there she was… I’m not sure I would say my mentor because we don’t deal with business stuff together… I’m not even sure if friend is a strong enough word… She is the one that can read me like a book. I can look at her and put on a smile and say that I am doing great and she’ll just look at me and my truthful words will come rushing out. There is something that surrounds her… This warmth, this acceptance, this been there done that, this love, this joy… And there she was with tears coming down her face…

“Oh, honey! I knew it. There is no better gift than to witness a persons transformation.” My tears were falling as I told her that I just felt like I have so much to say and I’ve been wanting to do this for so long and the timing finally felt so right, that I haven’t felt so sure about something this strong in such a long while. She explained to me that it was my throat chakra with having so much to say and I need to say it and get it all out. Through tears, I continued to tell her that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let people know it was me yet. “God is listening and you need to stay right there. Focus on that. Keep a bubble and stay in this path.”

We ended that call with telling each other, “I love you.” I knew that she would be proud of me. I could sense that she would be the one that would totally get WHY I was doing this and would see the deeper wounds that were coming out in my writing.

I don’t often have that overwhelming sense of someone being proud in me often. Sure, family will allude to it for keeping my head afloat, but they love to remind me of things I have screwed up on. But, her words, they felt different. It was an overwhelming love that I felt surrounded by and I needed to experience that… It had been too long.

So, here I continue on this journey full of love and support. I hope that my words will make a difference in someone’s life one day the way she has made a difference in mine.

Life

Broken glass and love

  • May 29, 2020May 31, 2020

Throughout the ages, wine has always brought people together.  Once considered a daily necessity in Ancient Rome, it was made available to everyone and not only symbolized life within the community, but it was also looked at with joy, celebration and the blessings from God.

Yet, the glass that we drink wine from is extremely fragile, as are human relationships.  Love, like glass, must be protected and treated with special care. 

Should you find yourself in a moment where glass has broken, and the previous design is no longer visible…  Rearrange the pieces, and create your own unique design. 

Because in the world that you have created that is full of love, understanding and happiness, you will also be the one that holds the glue… Bringing broken glass back together…

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