love – Page 2 – Swimming With The Rain

Life

I Miss ME

October 27, 2022

Recently, I told my mom that I miss me. I miss who I used to be over a year ago. I miss walking on trails, having time to myself, reading good books, writing down my thoughts, eat healthier, and a good night sleep. At the time, I blamed it on my relationship. But, something I have realized in the past few weeks is that it is not because of my relationship, it is because of my job. And, I have let my job reflect on my relationships. Yes, plural.

That stops today!

I want to be me again. I want to get back on the trails with my dog (did so last week), have time to myself (right now), read good books (need to choose one from the stack), write down my thoughts (here I am), eat healthier (going shopping later), and get a good night sleep (that will come).

I wanted to be someone, and I thought that climbing the career ladder is what it would take to prove myself. What I proved is that I can work 10 to 12 hours a day, wake up at 4am stressed thinking about work, answer messages at all hours of the night, weekend, and vacation. I also proved that I can be so exhausted and not have time to culture friendships because all I thought about was work.

Today, I choose me. I choose to be loyal to myself and find me again. I want to see happiness on my face and share those moments with those I love.

close up shot of scrabble tiles on a white surface — Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

Health & Spiritual

Life Does Not Go As Planned

March 8, 2021

Life does not go as planned. There. I said it. Very rarely do we get that white picket fence, two kids where the son is a baseball star and the daughter is Homecoming queen, Fido sleeping peacefully in front of a roaring fire, a garage door opening to the organized wall of yard tools next to the shiny mini-van, and a husband walking in holding the newspaper greeting you with a kiss on the cheek.

When I was 10, my friends and I had plans of how we would decorate our houses, while living in close proximity, with children around the same ages. Our biggest concern was whether we would want open floor plans with the front door near the corner of the house or in the middle. (FYI – I’m now not a fan of open floor plans, they’re too noisy for me.)

When I was in my early teens, I wanted to be a psychologist, since I was good at listening to other peoples problems. Somewhere along the way, I realized that if I couldn’t solve my own problems, how would I solve others?

Around 16 or 17, I then day dreamed about working in a high rise building with a corner view, amidst all of the hustle and bustle. Doing what? I have no clue, because at that age, I still didn’t know myself.

Shortly after that, I wanted to be a Physical Therapist since the idea of working with Rodeo Cowboys appealed to my teenage boy crazy side. What I didn’t know then is that there is a lot of science involved, which has never been my strong suit.

Then life happened… I married, had a child, moved across the country thanks to the military, divorced, had another child, and experienced life.

I have experienced more in my life than most would ever care to. I have been knocked down too many times to count. But, do you know what that means? I have gotten back up each time. Sometimes, slower than others, but I have always gotten back up. Each time has made me a bit more resilient and I have taken a lesson from those struggles.

It is during those struggles that I have tried my best to keep an open mind on where my journey is headed, for sometimes I have no clue what the end game could possibly be. I have had to learn to trust in God and know that He has me on a path for a specific purpose. Although I may not know the reason, my steps may not be for my pleasure, but to be there for someone else in their time of need.

You see, with all of the good and bad that I have experienced in life, I am able to tell people that they will get through their hard times. It is tough to lose friends, family, jobs, anything that you depend on. But, I am living proof that you will make it through any of those life altering situations. Maybe that is why God has allowed me to go through what I have, to share my story with others along the way… To encourage hope, to offer guidance, to give them confidence to get back up. And since I have lived these struggles, do you really think I am going to be the one to judge you? No. I empathize because I know that God can throw a heck of a curve ball.

I can tell you one thing I always wanted to be when I grew up… A journalist. And look at me now with my own blog! I am not one that is followed by many, but I have found a way to put my experiences in to written form and to share some of what I have learned in life. For that, I am thankful. Because to be honest, white picket fences are really hard to mow around.

Life

Tell Yourself You’re Happy

February 26, 2021

When I was first married to the military, I came across Captain Yost. He was a tall, thin man and always very welcoming towards our young Enlisted family. Of course each time we saw each other, he would ask the obligatory “Hi, how are you?” and I would tell him about a teething infant or a husband that wouldn’t mow the yard. Yet, when I would ask him, he would reply with, “I am doing wonderful!” One afternoon while walking my teething child in his stroller, we saw Captain Yost out in his yard. Once again I asked how he was doing and he told me that he was doing wonderful. Puzzled at his happiness, I finally asked what made him feel this way, or at least answer that way all the time. His explanation, “Why not? I tell myself that I am happy and I believe it.” I haven’t seen Captain Yost since 1996 but his words still stick with me.

The definition for happiness is “the state of being happy”. Synonyms include ~ pleasure, contentment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being, enjoyment. Come up with a few sentences off the top of your head that include one of these words.

Some people assume that just because someone seems to be happy the majority of the time, they are not in touch with reality or they are faking it. But, happiness is a choice. And when you decide to make that choice, you may have to work at it. I was talking with a friend the other evening, explained my concept that we all have a choice on how we react to things, and we talked in depth of how to deal with some of the frustrating people in his life. For instance, I told him to turn it around on them; that with the constant complainer, ask her what would make her happy in that particular situation. Obviously, some of my “instructing” worked. The next day, he dealt with a motorcycle that tried to cut him off in traffic and instead of getting mad at something that was beyond his control, he took a deep breath and went back to life.

Happiness is a choice, you cannot choose what happens, but you can choose your reaction to it and be happy. ~ RVM

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice. ~ Jim Rohn

The only reason you are happy is because you choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering. ~Miguel Angel Ruiz

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

We all have hapiness inside and it’s not at all hard to find. It’s sealed deep in our hearts and guarded by our soul. You don’t have to beg to use it. All you have to do is choose it! ~Bebeth

An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters. ~Steve Goodier

Though no one can backtrack and create a brand new start, Everyone is capable of taking their life in a brand new direction. ~ Germany Kent

Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy and you will be. ~ Domonique Bertolucci, The Happiness Code: Ten Keys to Being the Best You Can Be

Feeling happy or hurt by every little thing is a choice that makes life beautiful or ugly. ~ Archana Chaurasia Kapoor

Relationships matter. The roles people play in your life will influence you so get serious about who you allow to affect you. Nurture those relationships in your circle that foster success and happiness, and continuously position yourself among change agents and thought leaders. ~ Germany Kent

Living in happiness means practicing the dance of “detachment-attachment”. On a daily basis, we must sense which moments, which events, which people, thoughts and circumstances to detach ourselves from; and which ones to attach ourselves to. Learning this dance, and doing it well, leads to happiness. ~ C. JoyBell C.

When you decide to live in a state of happiness, it does not mean that you are not allowed to have other feelings, they just become less frequent. After a while, you will realize that you begin to look at experiences differently, recognizing that the stressors can be moments of opportunity and not opposition.

Happy people know their strengths and use those to build their confidence. Think of it as throwing together a big birthday celebration ~ if you get nervous talking to people but you are a really good cook, choose to be the one to create the elaborate meal, being able to stay behind scenes, and let someone else do the schmoozing. So, let’s get to know ourselves and toot our own horns for a bit ~

I like myself because…

I’m an expert at…

People say I am a good…

What I enjoy most is…

I have a natural talent for…

I feel good when I…

The traits I admire myself for are…

I feel peaceful when…

Use these things towards encouraging your happiness! Of course, it is always important to have an open mind but if you know that you enjoy being creative for instance, be creative! Wander around Michael’s or Hobby Lobby to get ideas. If you enjoy reading, join a book club to talk with other readers. Cooking big dinners could be something you excel at but you live alone… Well, invite others over to share dinner time with you. Feeling nervous about volunteering for something? Speak up! You know what you are good at and what you enjoy. Offer to do it. Just like having to deal with a kid’s sports team… Some moms are meant for the “Team Mom” position. I am not. But, I can cut up some oranges for half time. Do what you love!

To quote Aristotle, “Happiness is a state of activity”. Do you know of any truly happy people that sit home every day, all day? This may sound like a great thing to do but after awhile, boredom sets in, it’s the same routine day after day, they are no longer thriving. The happiest of people enjoy experiencing life, pursuing passions and building connections. Of course, it also depends on your mood. If you have had a hectic week, sometimes all you want is to just sit still for one night and stare at your tv. Does this make you unhappy? No. On the contrary, that might make you happy by re-energizing yourself. Then there are those particular days that you just feel rough and you need to make that connection with people to feel that confidence again. Start taking notice of when you need to be by yourself and when you need to be with people. Once you start paying attention to this, it will help to increase your happiness awareness. Tell us about what you do when you need to be re-energized…

Part of learning to be happy is being able to find the good in situations, the silver linings. Or it may not necessarily be the good but the lesson or trying to look at something with a different frame of mind. You have to be willing to see things from another perspective. Then you have to train yourself to quit thinking negative about so many things.

Years ago, I started this process and it was hard at times. For instance, if a car was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic, I would think to myself about how there really is the possibility that they just got a call that a loved one is in the hospital and they are trying to get to them. What about the mom that is half ignoring her child in the grocery store? Well, she may have been listening to that child all day and her patience level is really low so I smile at the mom to let her know I understand. Most recently, I lost my phone. I tried everything I could to get it back and finally had to give up. At one point, I remember standing there wanting to yell and scream but I thought, “Here I am telling people how they need to lead a more positive life and if I can’t practice what I preach, what good is that?” So, I took a deep breath and accepted the fact that my phone was lost. Yes, it did put a damper on the day, but I did not become as angry as I could have. What are some examples of things you have had to look at in a different light so you wouldn’t get upset?

One of my favorite places to shop is Fresh Market, and I tell people all the time that it is the most pleasurable shopping experience ever. When you walk in, there is something about the hardwood floor, the display cases, the smell… Just the whole atmosphere, including the classical music at the perfect volume. Stop and think about what your favorite places do to create a relaxing atmosphere.

The self-talk that you keep running through your mind is like the background music of your life. It plays almost continuously, like a constant chatter without necessarily a specific thought.

The self-talk may not be something that we say out loud but we hear it each time we look in the mirror, talk to a co-worker, text with a friend. We have programmed our mind to think a certain way and that is the only way it knows how to react. If each time a co-worker asks you a questions and you think, “You again?!?” this will put you in to a negative state. So, if our subconscious talks to us in a certain way and it is OUR subconscious which we trained, we need to reprogram it to think positive self-talk.

Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take it’s place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you. ~ Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused — And Start Standing Up for Yourself

The way you choose to think and speak about yourself (to yourself and others), IS A CHOICE! You may have spent your whole life talking about yourself in a negative way, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue that path. ~ Miya Yamanouchi

My challenge to you today is to observe your thoughts and internal dialogue and recognize if and when you speak poorly to yourself. We all have moments of self-deprecation and very often we are too hard on ourselves. Today, start to be caring and supportive of yourself. Observe that little voice in your head and say something positive to yourself instead! ~ Elaine Seiler, Getting Rid of Negative Energy

Don’t undermine yourself. The one person who should never undermine you, is you. Believe in possibilities. Believe in yourself. Believe you are capable. Engage in positive self-talk. Be an advocate for your betterment. Be your own friend. Be loving to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. Encourage yourself. Celebrate yourself. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Let go of your limiting beliefs. You are capable of more than you think. ~ Akiroq Brost

The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes. Mahatma Gandhi

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. Willie Nelson

We know that attitudes are contagious, whether positive or negative. I am kind of grouchy when I wake up and my family always adjusted to it. And then along came my first child. He was born happy! He would wake up from naps smiling and would just be so excited to see me. How could I possibly act cranky towards a sweet innocent child that was jumping up and down in his crib when I came in. So, I had to change my morning attitude but it was easy to do with him.

Of course we love being around those positive people because they make us feel special and we also find ourselves happier. For instance, you have the option to sit on the beach for the day with one of two people… One of them is a constant complainer. If you say that it is a beautiful summer day, they will tell you that it is too hot. The other one looks at things from a positive view point so while they may agree that it is hot, they will also add that thankfully you two can get in the water when you need to cool off. Or better yet, they brought ice cold beer with them.

Here we are and you are wondering what the point was in all of this rambling about happiness… Did it make you think? Did it make you realize how your words to yourself can make an impact on your mood?

Don’t necessarily lie to people about how you are doing. If your dog just died, you do not have to say you are doing wonderful. But, don’t complain that no one ever asks you to do anything, and then turn down every offer. Being happy also includes being grateful. Standing on your feet making dinner after a 9 hour work day? Be thankful you have a job and money to feed your family. Find the positive in situations. This is what you need to work on.

Final example – I recently moved from the warm beaches in Florida to the snow-covered Mid-west. Each time someone asks me what I think, I say, “I love it!” Do you know what they end up doing? Laughing, smiling, and we have started our conversation on a positive feeling.

The above was used in a guided group conversation. Similar to a bible study, but without the religious references. If you have questions on how to spark this conversation amongst friends, co-workers, or in a social circle, feel free to email me at SwimmingWithTheRain@yahoo.com

God

Bible Verses When Struggling

February 23, 2021

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how I came to have these bible verses on my laptop. I’m sure that at some point, I was researching for either a Bible Study lesson or I pulled from a small notebook I used to keep in my purse. But, as I read through them, I felt myself relax and began to feel encouraged.

If bible verses aren’t your thing, I would still encourage you to take a moment and read through. I am sure you will find words that will speak to you and maybe even lift you up.

As always, if you feel yourself struggling, feel free to reach out to me at SwimmingWithTheRain@yahoo.com

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.

Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.

The people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

He took up our infirmities and bore our diseases.

You of little faith, why are you so afraid?

Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore, be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven.

Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.

Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

I have compassion for these people.

Don’t be afraid.

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid…”

Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Don’t be afraid; just believe.

Everything is possible for one who believes.

But, Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Rejoice in the day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven.

When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, “Don’t cry.”

Don’t be afraid; just believe…

Do this and you will live.

What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life.

But, we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.

Stand firm and you will win life.

Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with… the anxieties of life and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap.

Pray that you will not fall into temptation.

An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

Peace be with you.

And whoever comes to me I will never drive away.

This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.

You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts.

In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’

Otherwise, they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.

That you and I may be mutually encouraged by each others faith.

Therefore, the promise comes by faith.

But we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

If God is for us, who can be against us?

In all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

We have different gifts, according to the grave given to each of us.

If it is to encourage, then give encouragement.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

He will also keep you firm to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them?

Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

For my part, even though I am not physically present, I am with you in spirit.

But, each of you has your own git from God; one has this gift, another has that.

I would like you to be free from concern.

But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.

But whoever loves God is known by God.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say – but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” – but not everything is constructive. No one should see their own good, but the good of others.

Even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.

Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God.

Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

For they refreshed my spirit and yours also.

Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But, this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God.

Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow.

I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

In all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.

But God, who comforts the downcast…

I am glad I can have complete confidence in you.

God loves a cheerful giver.

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

Life

Ending 2020 With A First Date

February 13, 2021

I had a first date on New Years Eve. But, why is this such a big deal, you may wonder. Plenty of people have dates NYE. Well, being that I haven’t had a date in 2 1/2 years… I like to think it’s because it’s because I made a choice to not date until I moved away from Florida. Then again, it could be because I have a tendency to take an interest in emotionally unavailable men. No, not the married ones. Just the ones that aren’t ready for relationships. Wow! Feels almost liberating to admit that. Anyways, on to my date.

Probably need to add in the other detail about not dating until I left Florida. I knew in my heart in 2018 that I would start my plan to move to Indiana within the next couple few years. Was I really wanting to date someone in Florida knowing that if I fell for them, it could ruin my future plans? I made 2019 all about spending time with my friends and enjoying the single life. So much so that it wore me down by 2020… Probably a good sign.

I have a tendency to refer to dates with “code names”. There was the gay guy, catastrophic adjuster guy, southern boy… You get it. This one is “Train Guy” since he is some kind of Electrical Engineer for the Rail Road.

How do you line up a date in 2020 when you have just moved to a new state, Covid is in full force, and you’re not one to sit at a bar and wait for Mr. Right Now to buy you a drink… Bumble! So, it’s kind of a cool dating site because only women can start the conversation. That doesn’t mean there aren’t creeps… I have been offered to join a marital bed, been told sizes, and asked how I feel about cuddling and showing affection. But, you weed through, have a bit of a conversation, and take a chance.

FYI – If you’re a man and you start your dating profile off with, “My kids are my everything!”, I will move on! Your kids should be your focus, but if you have to admit it, you’re just trying to prove that to yourself. Also, my uncle told me when I was 15, “If a guy has to say that he’s not a pig, he usually is.”

Back to Train Guy… He was actually the first one I started chatting with. We’d chat every so often, nothing major. But, the conversation weaned off when my son was in town, and obviously, he was my focus. A couple weeks pass by and I get a Merry Christmas message and I replied back with the same but no response. Moving on to a Dax Shepard podcast (Armchair Expert – my favorite!) There is a segment with 10 parts about Monica and her getting advice on her dating life. She’s pretty reserved so one of her challenges was to just hand her name and number to someone that she felt a connection with. Hmmm…. I have never done that before. You mean, I should try and put myself out there? And then it clicked. I sent him a message with my phone number and said if it’s easier to communicate that way… Guess what! It was!

We texted briefly throughout the day and he asked if I’d like to meet sometime. I told him that that sounded like a great idea and then he suggested we actually talk on the phone. What?!? So 1990’s! haha If you haven’t dated in awhile, let me explain something… The sound of a voice can make a difference. Have you seen the movie Grown Ups? Remember the scene where the moms are sitting at the water park checking out the hot life guard and when he walks up, his voice sounds like he had just sucked the helium out of the balloon? Luckily, Train Guy had a nice voice and we chatted for about an hour, comparing notes on what we thought of the area (he just moved here, too), and how much he loved Florida. I asked him what his job was and he said that it is hard to explain, but if I’ll meet him for dinner the next night, he’ll explain. I asked if it involved salt and pepper shakers, to which he laughed and said, “Maybe.”

Since I haven’t been on a date in years, I wasn’t sure what to wear. Do I want to impress the guy? Sure! Do I want to look like a floozy? Goodness, no! I texted my good friend, Jenn, for her input and I was lucky enough that her husband threw his in, too… “Straight hair, jeans, white button-up shirt.” Since I don’t own a white button-up shirt and I felt too fat for jeans, I compromised… Straight hair, black leggings, loose brown sweater. Here is why… I decided that I was going to go with what I felt confident in because that is what matters, confidence!

Luckily, he looked like his photos and it was an enjoyable evening. I kept it to one glass of wine while he drank iced tea. (There was a possibility of having to get called in to work due to an impending ice storm.) I already had a feeling that he was somewhat shy, so as soon as we sat down, I handed him the salt and pepper shakers and asked him to tell me about his job. For three hours, we sat across from each other, but I realized later, I didn’t do much talking. If there was ever a lull in conversation and I would look at him, he had a smile on his face and a “smitten” look in his eye. The problem is, I wasn’t giving him back that smitten look.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the evening. Dinner was nice, atmosphere was quite relaxing, the glass of wine deserved to be drank twice, conversation was even enjoyable. What I realized is that we were just having surface conversation and I was asking all of the questions. No, I don’t need to know all about your childhood trauma or reason for divorcing on the first date. But, what I have learned in my years of experience is that I am not a surface level conversation type of gal; I want to know what makes you click.

We texted off and on for the next week or so and he really is a nice guy. Train Guy is one that I would call to go have a beer with, or go walk trails with. Something where maybe there doesn’t have to be a lot of conversation because he does put off a rather calm and peaceful vibe.

Flash forward a month later and I join a hiking facebook group and ask a question about starter trails in the area. Guess who likes my post and friend requests me… Train Guy. So, we know how to find each other but neither of us have reached out and I am perfectly ok with that. He really was a nice guy and a perfect gentleman (made my mother happy) but I didn’t feel like he would be one to appreciate my spontaneity or upbeat mood. I get the feeling he is kind of Eeyorish and maybe he needs someone like me to put a spark in him… Notice I said “someone like me” and not me…

I put a hold on this online dating thing for a bit. I ended up with covid and since I didn’t have anything else to do for 9 days except lay there and think, I realized that I am happy being alone. I’m not ready to give up my evenings of reading after work, or waking up at 6am on Saturday and going to the gym. Would I like someone to go and grab a beer with if the mood strikes? Sure. I’ll tell you what… When my shelf of unread books is empty, I’ll try this dating thing again.

Now every time I hear a train, it’s not him that I think about… I think about how I am strong enough to give myself a chance.

Life

What I Should Have Asked For On Christmas

January 1, 2021

2:57am and I am jolted awake with the realization that it is Christmas morning and I am filled with a sense of excitement, only to realize, I am alone this Christmas.

There were days that I wanted to decorate but then 30 seconds later, I would wonder what is the use… Who is going to see the tree besides myself… Who is going to appreciate the ornament from when my youngest son started believing in Santa Claus or when my oldest son started his first job at Publix… Who is going to laugh with me when looking at the chewed up branches from the puppy last year…

This is when most would say, “Do it for yourself! Make yourself happy!” Well, let me tell you, I’ve been single a very long time and I’m kind of over that mantra.

I was asked recently what I wanted for Christmas and I finally understood exactly what I wanted, more so need…

I want your time. I want for you to want to spend time with me.

I want you to be present. Pay attention, have a meaningful conversation.

I want you to ask me questions. Ask me how I’m doing being away from family. Be interested.

I want you to realize that gifts are not about the money spent, it is about the heart and love that went in to choosing that moment. If it’s a $5 coffee mug but you know that each time they look at that cup, they will think of you, PERFECT! You created several moments with that.

I want you to realize that it is the simple gestures that mean everything to me, not the grand over the top ones. Just be there.

It’s now New Years Day… These words have stuck with me for over a week but I had been scared to publish. What if someone took offense? But, my gift is to now share my thoughts, realizing that I am not the only one that felt this way.

If you feel that this is what you should have asked for for Christmas, share these words. Maybe it will resonate with those that need to hear it from you. If you’re trying to think of the perfect gift for someone, think of these words and give someone your time.

Carnival Fantasy

Pirates Privacy Act – Girl Code

August 23, 2020

In February 2020, six of us girls decided to take a cruise for Galentine’s Day and what better way to ensure that we were all on the same “page” than to create a privacy pact, similar to girl code on a bachelorette party. But, this was a cruise so we needed a fun name, plus we love themes! So, during brunch prior to boarding, we read each code out loud, then signed our names.

This agreement dated February 13th, 2020 pertains to the Carnival Fantasy Cruise. Whereas, all attendees as named, for their mutual benefit and pursuant to an ongoing friendship, which has been or may be established, can safely assume that they are able to be their happy drunk selves on this trip and are free to drink, giggle, flirt, dance, sleep in, and any other activity in similarity that may arise, without being judged.

For a period of the rest of our lives, all named above, shall hold this agreement in trust and confidence, and not disclose to others any crazy stories that will make even one of these ladies look like any less of the strong independent women that they are. If it would cause another personal embarrassment (even if you think it should not), you are held to this agreement to not disclose said matter.

The undertakings and obligations of all attendees also agree to honor the following ~

The use of Spanx or any other undergarment to manually fit our body in to a piece of wardrobe WILL not be judged or even acknowledged. As far as we are all concerned, every single one of us come by the smooth lines naturally.

The use of Poo Pourri or whatever your room has designated, will be used EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME. However, as a kindness to your roommates, especially for Room M199 with four people, it is highly suggested that you go elsewhere so as not to block off the use of the bathroom for an obscene amount of time.

Do NOT record anyone out on the dance floor. If they are “called up” to a stage or any platform to perform, vide os acceptable ONLY to send directly to them upon wifi availability.

There is a strong possibility that while being in close quarters, body parts may be seen. We are all women, we’ve all seen a vajayjay, rumpshaker, and boobies before. If you need to change, change away! HOWEVER, please make every attempt to not sit on your bed, “Indian style” (criss cross apple sauce) naked as a jaybird.

If someone is stupid drunk, NO photography.

If you are the one that is stupid drunk and feel the need to puke, DO NOT expect anyone to be there for you and hold your hair back.

If Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, happens to be on this boat and you decide to go and make a love connection, please send someone a message as to the room number (in case we need to look for your dead body).

If some stranger wants to get a bit too close and you are uncomfortable, please make it obvious that you are not happy with the attention, and we will remedy this.

Should there be a group of other women and drunk happy you thinks we should all be best friends, you are the designated friend and will be the oe to break it to them that we won’t all be making friendship bracelets and brushing each other’s hair.

You are not to take offense to anything Megan or Sheila says before coffee. In fact, please do not provoke them.

No judgement on something someone does while sleeping – teeth grinding, snoring, talking. If they begin to make sexual noises, permission to throw a pillow at them. However, it will not be mentioned the next day.

No posting on Social Media of anything even possibly embarrassing. If you think it is in bad taste, it probably is.

STAY OFF YOUR PHONE!!! this is an “Electronics Free” trip. If you have international and plan to check in when we get to Mexico, please go stare at your phone elsewhere. If you feel the need to play some downloaded game on your phone, go elsewhere.

Be respectful of people! If you are cranky, go somewhere else until you are happy. Do not bring others down.

Absolutely, NO peer pressure. If someone doesn’t want to get on stage and sing an Adele song off key in front of 100 people, do not try to force them. However, if they do have the guts to get up there, cheer them on and be proud!

If you are calling it a night earlier than the rest of the group, make sure to send a message on the cruise app or tell TWO PEOPLE before you leave, so we don’t think you are taking a swim with the sharks.

As we are trying to keeps this an “Electronic Free” trip, the messaging system in the app will not be monitored like texting. If a message is sent saying, “Where are you?” because you are wandering around looking for something to do, and there is not answer, do not be upset for someone being in vacation mode and napping by the pool.

Some people take more pictures than others. PLEASE try to remember to take candid photos of those people, also, so they don’t miss out on seeing memories.

We are all adults. Find the humor in all of the above but most of all, remember that what happens on the ship, (SAY IT OUT LOUD), stays on the ship.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the attendees have execute this Agreement as of the date first above written.

Megan, Kiki, Sheila, Bambi, Donna, and Shakira

Life

In The Moment

August 16, 2020

The power of a look. How can a look say so much? We look people in the eyes every day, but when there is a certain glance… Across a room, in the mirror, when looking up from reading… So much is said, it’s as if you can read that person’s mind. A slight touch when passing by… Why do people take this for granted? Do they not feel someones finger tips brush their arm… Can they not feel the warmth that is passed through the skin… What about the butterflies when you can feel the person near but not touching… The stolen kisses in a doorway on a crowded street. The sense of belonging to each other for just a short amount of time… Knowing that this is it. This is the only time that we will have. Living in the moment.

There will be certain things and places that you will never look at the same again ~ a particular meal, a sweet tasting wine, the faded blanket, hint of cologne, a rain drenched car… All of these will bring back a feeling and you will sit. And you will smile. And you will remember the feeling of enjoyment. You will remember briefly the intensity of the eyes that sparkle with life and burn with desire at the same time. You will remember the touch that felt like you couldn’t let go. The hand that felt like a feather as it brushed the hair away from your face…

Go ahead, remember the first kiss that was so light and soft where your breath was taken away, knowing in that instant, you could have fallen in love… Instead, we didn’t.

We look back with fond memories that pop up at the oddest of times… A song on the radio that isn’t even about love, yet it serves as a reminder of the laughing and smiling, a moment that just the two of us shared. Leaning back in your chair at work looking out the window and a certain vehicle drives by, and you will remember… Just for a moment.

I’m glad that I had this chance, just for a moment, to feel delicate, beautiful, smart, sexy, like I could move mountains… All of this because of the way you looked at me. Keep that look. Look at me again one day, just like that. And smile. Smile at the memories that were made. Don’t have any regrets. We lived in the moment…

Entertainment

28 Hotel Rooms

July 26, 2020

One thing I love about Hulu is it’s movie suggestions. I swear, it knows me. Thanks to technology, it probably does. Anyways, listed under ‘Movies for you’, I kept seeing the title to this movie. It sounds familiar and I think that somewhere, I must have seen that someone posted about it or maybe I read something, because I knew the premise was a couple meets in different hotels rooms. But, being that I wasn’t wanting to watch porn, I would skip past it. Yet, Hulu knows me so surely it wouldn’t be suggesting porn, right?

Each time I go to Hulu, I see the movie listed and since I have exhausted the majority of movies, I looked up the premise on Wikipedia… “A novelist and a corporate accountant conduct an affair over a period of several years, meeting only when they are each traveling for work in a city far from their homes. The film takes a minimalist approach: it consists entirely of scenes between the two of them in hotel rooms.” So, could still be porn… Let’s find the trailer…

That’s it, I’m watching! They had me when he was painting her toes and when she was emotional saying that she feels ugly… I’m a sap when movies feel genuinely real.

I immediately recognized Danny Castellano, I mean Chris Messina, from The Mindy Project. He played Mindy Kaling’s love interest and I LOVED him! I hadn’t heard of Marin Ireland, but based upon her Wikipedia page, she has done quite a bit, which is probably why she looks familiar. Plus, she is from Central California and I’m a sucker for anyone from there (Camarillo to be exact).

28 Hotel Rooms is a movie I could probably analyze with such a wide array of elements. My ideal situation would be the conversation that would happen after another person watches, because I think it is one of those movies that opinions can vary, even your own, based upon how you feel at the time or what your mindset is. But, on to my own personal review…

The camera gives off the feeling that it is another character that they are not aware of. The chemistry between these two characters is undeniable and their conversations feel real, as if they are unscripted. He caresses her back while they lay in bed talking, sensing the intimacy as he taps her lower back in response to a question, as if to say, “Alright”.

As in all new loves, he plays the 21 questions with her asking about siblings, parents, republican or democrat, chocolate or vanilla ice cream… But, you start to notice, she does not reciprocate. Yet, she is the one that when a future is discussed, you can sense that she is toying with that idea in her head, only to snap back to reality and change the topic. She does this enough times that you realize that she does struggle with what she is doing, whether it is by quietly crying in the bathroom while he is sleeping, or seeing how hot she can get the bath water, as if in punishment.

These two separate their worlds and only briefly allow their real one in, as they catch up on months apart. They give off brief descriptions, like a highlight reel. But yet, you are able to perceive that these two have long conversations about life and discuss things that maybe they do not with their respective partners. With each other, they are free to be whom they want ~ fun, exciting, erotic… It is presented as being tipsy and dancing naked on a balcony, sneaking up to the rooftop of a hotel to watch fireworks, running the hallways laughing… Something that their real lives would not allow as they pay their mortgage, move from the city, try to get ahead in their careers…

As romantic and whimsical as they make it seem, they also fight. They fight with the intensity that you may not allow yourself to with your real life partner for fear of the judgement or possible alienation. These two know that at any moment, they can get up and walk away, without any damage to a marriage.

Yet, they are drawn to each other, unable to stay away. Why is that? Is it true love or could it just be that the brief interludes give them a sense of excitement to an otherwise boring life?

28 Hotel Rooms is a movie that is worth watching again and again. You will create your own back stories for them, as you are only able to see brief snippets of their encounters. In your mind, you will sense the passage of time and gain an understanding of their intimacy with each other. When the end credits begin, you will want more of their story.

God

God, Balance, and a Heart Chakra

July 14, 2020

One of the things that I exceed at is floating in a pool, and not just on a float (which if you have a graceful way to get on, please share). I’m talking about the kind where you lay flat on your back, arms at your sides, toes in the air… Quietly clearing my mind, focusing on my breathing, buoyancy supporting my body. After a bit, I no longer have to concentrate and I begin to stare up at the sky, letting the conversation around me continue as muffled sounds. As crazy as it sounds, I have a hard time balancing on my two feet but ask me to tread water, I can do that! Until this past summer…

I started to realize that something was off a few weeks ago, when I was unable to stay balanced while floating. My left shoulder kept pulling me down, which is strange because in the normal world, it felt perfectly fine. I tried to concentrate harder, I tried to not concentrate, I tried to pull down with my right side, I tried to pull up with my left. Nothing was working. I knew that I was fighting with some inner emotional turmoil but I did not put two and two together that this could affect me in such a way.

In frustration, I googled… I couldn’t find too much but what I did find led me to something about the Heart Chakra. The what?!? Nope. I am not going to buy in to that whole peace, love, and happiness craze… It’s just not how I was raised, and I think it goes against God. (Stay with me on this, please.) So, I push all of this new age information aside and head up to Indiana to see friends that have known me for over 20 years, because with them, I feel myself.

That first evening, with lightning bugs floating nearby and Jason Aldean coming out of the speakers, we swam around in the pool just laughing and feeling free. Out of habit, I immediately went in to floating position so I could stare up at the summer sky… Left shoulder pulled down. It’s never been A LOT, just enough for me to know that something isn’t right. A couple of hours and Rumplemintz shots later, a song comes on that reminds us of a dear friend that passed away several years back. We toast to him and smile…

But then something happens to me. I start to sob. And I can’t stop! For over 30 minutes, it’s like someone turned a faucet on in my eyes and they were just continuing to leak, THEY WOULD NOT STOP! I wiped away tears, I went underneath the water, I looked up at the starry sky… Nothing but tears.

The next morning, we all kind of laughed about my never ending crying, and chalked it up to the Rumplemintz mixed with the need to release pent up emotion. Yet, something had shifted in me… Exasperation had left my body. The angst I had been carrying of not being good enough, the fear of being the real me, the sadness of not being completely loved, the constant stress of the unknown with my job, the burden of trying to be everything to everyone… It was gone.

I was finally filled with an overwhelming peace and knew I was fully loved, right where I was at. Without being able to explain what I was feeling, I wanted to soak in the day and experience this feeling that felt so incredibly profound that words were not enough.

Without realizing it in the pool, I went in to my full body float and that is I had another discovery… I was laying completely still… Both shoulder blades where they needed to be, neither fighting for a different angle… Staring up at the Indiana sun, with a genuine smile.

A few days later, I sent my friend Marie a text to let her know I was heading back home. Her reply, “Are you sad? Refreshed? Rejuvenated?” I contemplated the best word to explain what I was going through… “Balanced. Does that make sense?” While that word made sense to me in a way, I still felt like I was meant to learn something from this. But, what? Not wanting to get in to this peace, love, happiness mumbo jumbo, I kept it in the back of my mind, yet it was pushing forward.

Thank goodness for my weekend pool days with Diana… She is my worldly traveler with an open mind, thinking before she speaks, but knowing she can be honest with me. Diana exudes a sense of wisdom and it is because of that, I have always had a natural calm around her. Explaining my release to her and brief findings of a heart chakra, but not sure what to make of it, I am 90% sure that she had a firm grasp on what I would find, but was confident that I would have to accept it myself… “You’re good at research. Look it up.”

What an intriguing lesson I found myself in the middle of… The heart chakra, when open to receive, is just between the shoulder blades, and your body takes in the energy of love, joy, abundance, forgiveness, trust, relationships… But, when this is closed off, a person will begin to feel apathetic, unforgiving, distrustful, and detached. The tension in the shoulder blades represents an inability to let go or forgive… Not just to others, but to ourselves. Finally, I found something that explained me almost word for word!

Here is where some would say that it gets tricky… How could I believe in something like this but also believe in God?

A gift had been handed to me as all of the pieces to this puzzle finally came together. These past several months and the struggle for connecting my thoughts all started to make sense… I have been working on putting my life back in to balance. I had not felt worthy of love, even from friends, and detached myself from anyone that I didn’t know if I could trust. By nature, I am a very distrustful person, always waiting for the ball to drop. Self-sabotage most would call it.

What I have realized the last several years, not everything is black and white. Just like when we are raising our children, they are not the same and generally need to be handled differently. Therefore, I believe that God allows us to learn in so many different ways, and that is what makes us unique. If you don’t think so, think about how one person feels God’s presence and has an ongoing conversation with Him while walking through a forest, but another feels it sitting silently in prayer. I have prayed to God to show me how to change my life and He chose to show me in a way that would bring me balance. By allowing God to explain to me that I need to allow love and trust in, I am still aware that HE is the one to nudge me and guide me to my purpose.

If your life is out of balance, I urge you to listen to your body. Is something feeling off? If so, pray, meditate, do whatever you do to help bring clarity to your life. Open yourself up to love and know that you are worthy of it. I promise, when you feel the answer, you will feel tension leave your body and it is quite profound.

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