Back to School

August 25, 2023August 25, 2023

School started last week in my little corner of the world. And although it has been years since I have sent a child of mine back to school, the momma in me can still relate to these parents as they are going through the first of the lasts and first of the firsts.

On Friday, my boyfriend’s son had his firsts of the lasts with football, as it is now his Senior year of high school. It was so exciting to watch him come out on to the field as a starting Senior, but also sad to realize that there are only so many Home games and this will be over soon.

The pride I felt for this child is similar to how I felt for my own, but I get to enjoy this one more. Maybe because I have “been there, done that” and have figured out what is important and what isn’t. Kids at this age do not realize the shear power of a moment and how quick it will go by. For him, he may realize it when the season is over and ask for five more minutes.

“At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line
Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine
And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket
Can’t you give me five more minutes?” ~Five More Minutes, sung by Scotty McCreery

That evening, I also watched Freshmen enjoying the firsts of the firsts. These 14 year-old’s were at THEIR high school football game, and this is a big deal for them. For some, it may be one of the first activities that they do not have direct parental supervision and feel like they can do whatever they want. That being said, they still need to work on their respect and how to behave, but they’ll learn.

They were like puppies… Very eager but haven’t learned how to control themselves yet.

black short coated dog biting plastic container on green grass

Moving forward to Saturday evening and I was craving Indian food. We headed to the best Indian food place which is near the University campus when it dawned on us… It’s move in weekend! Vehicles were in front of dorms and apartments, doors and trunks open loaded down with suitcases and bedding. Where we usually see students crossing the streets without a care in the world, we saw parents following behind their kids, as they figured out where to go.

We have always walked in to this restaurant and had choices on where to sit. We even used to wonder WHY they had a back dining room, as we had never seen anyone in it, so we assumed it was for private groups. No. It was FULL. Both areas! This is what that room was for.

It didn’t matter that we had to wait for our food. I had a glass of wine and did what I do best – people watching. Parents with their new college students… Excitement beaming from these students as their lives were about ready to change. Parents soaking up the last bit of time with their kids before they were to leave them in adulthood. Dads giving meaningful words of wisdom. Moms watching their 18 year-old children but visioning them as two. This momma wanted to walk up and hug each one of those momma’s and tell them it will be okay.

So, to all of you students, get out there and enjoy this moment and experience life! To all of you parents going through Senior Year with your child or even sending them off to college… I see you. I am hugging you in my mind.

All me

Good Conversation Makes Me Happy

June 6, 2023

I struggle these days with making good connections. I would say that my internet does, also, but I live in the middle of nowhere and internet is not an option. So, back to making good connections…

I would rather sit by myself in my own little world than fake a happy attitude, hence why I have been keeping myself away from people. Trust me, I understand that not all conversations are going to be happy. But, it’s the people that those conversations are with, and I was reminded of that last night.

family celebrating christmas dinner while taking selfie

Everything about the evening lined up perfectly… A nice restaurant with an amazing view, the outdoor terrace with umbrellas offering shade, a fountain to add a bit of water sound, a slight breeze to offset the warm summer air… And people that were happy to see each other, that makes quite a difference!

I don’t know if I can even remember all that was said. A few of us used to work together and since we know each other’s families, conversation was not strained. Group conversations, side conversations, laughter, lots of, “Remember when…” Greeting late comers with a hug and a “So good to see you!” and truly meaning it. We talked of kids, our careers, wondering where so and so is now, reminiscing over the workplace hell we left behind.

For a couple of hours, I was reminded that I am liked, and I really needed that. I remembered what a difference I made in the lives of others and how thankful I am that although we no longer work together, we have a bond that we can jump back in to.

With promises of we’ll do this again, group photos, and selfies taken care of, we hugged each person as we started back in to our own lives.

happy relatives meeting together on weekends

When thinking of my priorities in life, good conversation needs to be at the top. I left the event with a smile on my face knowing that these are people that I truly enjoy being with, and I value their input because they have taken the time to get to know me, as I have them. They ask questions, not just tell stories… They express warmth, not judgement. They laugh, not tell a competing story.

These are the conversations that I need in my life. The ones that make you feel invigorated afterwards. The ones that give you confidence.

The ones that make my heart happy.

Life

Am I Hypersensitive?

June 2, 2023

My therapist brought this up during my Day 5 conversation with her and then on Day 6. Knowing that someone has finally validated that I am sensitive has a calming effect, and now that I know what to look out for, I can be more aware of my reactions. As my therapist said, my reactions lead to a lot of irrational thinking and I begin to believe these negative thoughts.

Below are questions that are used to determine Hypersensitivity that I relate to. Some outlets have you just marking yes or no, some have you giving levels of 1 (Not at All) up to 7 (Extremely). I encourage you to google these questions and review additional ones that you may relate to.

Are you easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input? From Webmd – Sensory overload is when your five senses — sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste — take in more information than your brain can process. When your brain is overwhelmed by this input, it enters fight, flight, or freeze mode in response to what feels like a crisis, making you feel unsafe or even panicky. Well, that would be a big fat yes! Something I was telling a friend yesterday – Back when I still smoked, that was always an excuse for me to walk away from a situation and take a break. I could regroup, have some peace and quiet, and come back with a clear mind. These days, I don’t have that option. When there is too much going on, I want to yell STOP, but that generally isn’t acceptable. What I need to learn to say to people is, “I need a moment, please”, and then step away from the situation.

Do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment? I am generally fully aware of what is going on around me and vigilant about keeping an eye out. I miss being able to go to a restaurant and only focus on the person in front of me.

Do other people’s moods affect you? Very much so! I wish it wasn’t so. Being around negative people exhausts me. And not just in the exhausts eye roll type of thing… I am worn down after dealing with these people.

woman in blue dress sitting on couch near the window

Do you find yourself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where you can have some privacy and relief from stimulation? Absofreakinglutely!!! One thing I learned in 2015 was to give myself ONE DAY a weekend to do absolutely nothing, it was my choice on what to do, which meant that I was on the couch watching movies, reading, or catching up on tv shows. It was my time to recharge. This was much easier when I wasn’t in a relationship because I didn’t have someone else to worry about. These days, it is harder to achieve my recharge days. But, I am thankful that my other person is now understanding this about me and gives me that time. Of course, he then gets to tinker in the garage so it’s a win win for both!

Are you easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by? The funny thing is, only the fabric thing affects me, and it’s only from time to time. I remember back in high school, I had a favorite sweater. It was white, and had a wide black horizontal strip under my breasts, along with the popped up collar. What can I say, it was the late 80’s. There were days that I would put this sweater on and feel great. But, if I put on the sweater when I was in a solemn teenage girl mood, the feeling of it would bother me all day and I would feel overwhelmed with tension. I have finally learned this lesson and when getting dressed, if the favorite clothes do not feel right that day, I immediately change.

Do you have a rich, complex inner life? I have always been a daydreamer, it is where I go to escape in to my own head. It is where I can forget about the life in front of me, and wonder what a different life would be like. I will be honest here and say that I do not dream of a different life often anymore. Yay me! However, I am generally comfortable in my own thoughts and can handle complete silence as I think about different things that I have read, podcasts I have listened to, conversations I was a part of.

Does your nervous system sometimes feel so frazzled that you just have to go off by yourself? Remember when I mentioned above that smoking by myself was a good getaway… I have a bad habit now of when having an argument, I walk out. I drive off. I calm down and process and then I come back. It’s a bad habit and I would love to be able to quit doing it. But, I was never taught how to have a good “argument”. Growing up, you sat still and took what was said. If you spoke up, it was seen as arguing. As a young married woman, my ex-husband had a habit of leaving bruises on me. I continued to sit still and take it. So, when I am being chastised, I want out. I am not confident enough to handle it, so I run.

Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? IF I have enough time to visualize and become comfortable with the steps in my head of what needs to be done, I am generally okay. Just don’t get in my way so I can focus and give me quick answers to my questions so I can move on.

Are you annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once? Yes. Let’s focus on what is right in front of us and then move on. If I am given a list of 10 things that need to be done right now, I get frazzled trying to figure out the priority or how to make all of this work at once.

Do changes in your life shake you up? Yes. I was told a long time ago that I do not like change. I was raised with the mentality that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I am weary of changes to the point that I am distrustful. Even in my work life, if a company I work with often changes their website, it bothers me and I quit using it. Adapting to change is not always easy for me.

Do you notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art? That is a very large yes! A year or so ago, the man and I went a Vangogh exhibit and I was completely mesmerized! The art was reflected everywhere on the walls and floor, while music played. The emotions were so strong and I stared wide eyed all around me, soaking in this moment. I loved it so much and wanted to go again. The next time we went, people around us were laughing and talking. I was overcome with such anger towards them for interrupting this moment and could not understand how they didn’t feel the same type of amazement as I did. I tried to push the anger down, but I couldn’t.

Do you find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once? I used to thrive on chaos and multiple things going on at once, proud that I could be here and be there, and get things done for everyone. Then when I started having panic attacks and went in to a solitude state, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I was doing so many things for everyone else, except myself. So, call me selfish, but I now need to re-focus on MYSELF.

Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Most definitely. While I know that death is a part of life, I have no problem dealing with that aspect, such as being there for a dyeing person. But, to sit down and have a talk with someone that doesn’t like me or to be in a room with them, no thank you. It stresses me out just thinking about it. In some situations, I am the type that will say, “One… Two… Three… Go!” But, if I’m going to feel uncomfortable and lectured, no. I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough so why am I now going to sit there and let you once again put me back in to my childhood insecurities? It’s not going to happen.

When you were a child, did parents or teachers seem to see you as sensitive or shy? If I could count the amount of times that I was told that I was too sensitive (as a child and as an adult), I would be incredibly wealthy.

upset little girl sitting near crop woman in classroom

If you have come this far in reading, thank you for taking the time to read about me trying to figure myself out. It’s not easy, but it’s been enlightening. If you are wondering WHY I share this information, it’s because I have found comfort when I feel like I am not alone with my feelings. And if you feel like you have too many emotions or if you are trying to figure yourself out, too, you are not alone.

Health & Spiritual

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

May 26, 2023

“If I see only my bias, I have surrendered to a single myopic lens through which to view the world.” Craig D. Lounsbrough

I had no idea where therapy was going to lead me on Day 5. I knew that I wanted to talk about my emotions, why I take things so personally, and how I could work on that.

Let me jump in and explain how I feel about emotions… My emotions are BIG. When I get sad, I cry. When I am upset, I build up resentment. When angry, I say things I shouldn’t. On the flip side of that is my happiness emotion. When I’m happy, I smile, laugh, and dance. When I love, I love with all of my heart.

So, no matter which side of the coin my emotions are on, they are big. If I show a lot of emotion when sad, you better believe I will show a lot of emotion when happy. And I love being happy!

We talked about different things in the last week and a half, including conversations with family, and my reaction to different things lately.

I play “devil’s advocate” often when talking with people. Not in a rude way, just discussing “what if” and thinking things through. While I am trying to get back in to a positive mind set, I failed to do that when I sent out Mother’s Day cards, not thinking that anyone would react anyway except positive.

You see, I am a card person and my goal this year was to send out more cards. I think that mailboxes are too full of junk and cards make people smile. I have a box of blank birthday cards and a box of blank note cards. For Mother’s Day, I ordered a box of 20 blank cards and decided that I would send them out to friends and family, to not only wish them Happy Mother’s Day but to spread a bit of happiness. I heard from quite a few that thanked me for the card and I remembered how giving is more rewarding than receiving and I felt happy. I felt like I was getting back to the positive version of me.

Until I heard from one person that was not happy about receiving a card from me. In that instance, all the happiness I felt was wiped away.

happy mothers day card beside pen macaroons flowers and box near coffee cup with saucer

When you sent the cards, what reactions were you expecting?

I don’t know. Nothing bad.

Did you think of it from her point of view and how she would feel getting a card from someone she didn’t like too well?

No, I thought of it as doing something nice, and also partially extending an olive branch.

What would you have done if you received a card from someone you didn’t like very much?

It depends. I would have either tossed it aside and said WTF or sat on it for a bit and maybe reached out if I felt like the relationship was worth repairing.

What would you have said if you were the one reaching out?

I would have said thank you and asked how they were doing.

You wouldn’t have acknowledged the argument?

Nope. I don’t like confrontation. At some point, you have to extend warmth to the person and move on.

But, not everyone thinks like you. Everyone reacts differently and you need to not have myopic vision.

Myopic Vision – Myopia… Nearsightedness. You can see things close, but not far away.

Have you ever worked to build anything?

Yes, my ceiling fan about 5 years ago. I wanted one in my bedroom and a friend of mine at the time took the ceiling light down but couldn’t figure out how to put the fan up.

How did you go about doing it and how long did it take?

I watched a lot of youtube videos. A co-worker of mine, he had put several up before and he gave me some pointers on what to expect. He even took his down at home to take a picture of the inside of the ceiling. After a couple of weeks as I felt better prepared, I shut the power off and spent a couple hours doing it myself.

How did you feel when it was done?

Great. Empowered. Confident because I worked so hard to put it together and I was proud of myself.

So, why should you or another person feel better instantly if just putting up a simple ceiling fan took a couple weeks?

woman in white long sleeve holding wooden paint brush

And that is when I just stared in to the oblivion thinking, “She has a point.” If I had to prepare myself with knowledge and confidence before putting up a ceiling fan, why would I think that relationship problems could be solved instantly.

It was rather enlightening and while I sit on this a bit longer and continue to put it all together, I would just like to remind you (and myself) to keep an eye out on the bigger picture. Relationship issues do not affect JUST YOU. They can affect an office full of co-workers, your marriage, family dynamics… Before reacting to something, stop and think about how this will affect everything further out, not just right in front of you.

Life

Are dogs treated better than people?

May 15, 2023

Random thoughts pop in to my head. Not sure if you are like this. Today’s random thought… Do we treat dogs better than some people?

Let’s think about it this way… We all see the videos about dogs in shelters and it just breaks our hearts when they are aggressive or scared. (We’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin stuff here, because that will make me want to cry.)

During the video, we hear a voice explaining about their first time meeting the scraggly dog… how timid Fido is, how the previous owner didn’t treat them well, finally abandoned because they were not loved.

Oh, how our hearts break while we watch this scared dog with visible scars being lifted in to the vehicle to be taken to their “furever home”. Some videos show how the owners worked with the dog for quite awhile to develop trust, reassuring the pup that they are loved, that they won’t be beaten or left without food.

By the end of the video, we see the dog happy and giving lots of kisses and snuggled up to the one that saved them. We wipe away a stray tear or two and post it on facebook saying, “I’m not crying, you’re crying.” We root for these neglected animals and we want them to feel all the love in the world.

But, what about people? What about the person that has been neglected? What about the person that has been told time and time again that they are unlovable, that they are not wanted, left to fend for themselves… I’m not talking about the homeless people (just like we’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin).

Why do we not have patience with people when they are struggling? Why do we not show them the same compassion?

We walk past the downhearted, referring to them as difficult to deal with, a bitch, selfish, not worth the time. Or we give them one shot, only to decide it’s just too much time to invest. People, just like dogs, do not heal instantly. When you tell a dog, “I will take care of you and love you forever”, do they instantly feel better? No. So, why do we expect people to feel better after we tell them this once?

I hope that if you ever deal with someone that feels unloved, you will have the same patience with them as you do a dog that needs your love.

That’s it. I just wanted to put this thought in to words and reflect on it some more.

God

Angel Numbers

May 10, 2023

I had just made my lunch, sat down with a fork in my hand, tapped on my phone to see the time, and what did I see? 1:11! I was excited to seeing these numbers and knew that it was God’s way of waving, winking, and saying hello.

Up until a couple of years ago, I had a post-it note on my office laptop to remind me of what each Angel Number was for. Since I am working on building back my peaceful inner dialogue, I knew that I needed to research this information again, because I love when I get these little hello’s from God.

white clouds and blue sky — ***I am very much a believer in God. I also believe that God shows himself in ways that YOU will understand, to draw you closer to Him.***

Time watching has always been a habit of mine. When telling a story, I will tell you that it was 3:17 when something happened, not 3:15 or a quarter after 3. When I see certain times, I think of people or holidays. 2:18, my oldest son’s date of birth. 12:25, Merry Christmas! 3:02, Happy Birthday to my mom. And if I think of you when I see your date of birth or partial phone number, just know that I said a prayer for you.

So, if you want to see a few God winks or when He says hello, take a look and maybe incorporate some of these in to your thought process. Still thinking that Angel Numbers are against your religion or might be bad juju? Well, I bet you have a lucky number, right? Is it really your lucky number or do you just feel confident with your choice… Go ahead, step back and allow God to say hello to you with a bit of inspiration.

Reminder – numbers must show in 3 or 4 increments. IE – 111, 2222

0 – New opportunities! You have a fresh start to create new adventures. Don’t be afraid to go big and go bold!

1 – New beginnings! Step in to your self-confidence, set an intention, and focus on yourself.

a close up shot of a child holding a number cutout

2 – Balance, Harmony, Alignment. You are exactly where you need to be and you should savor the moment.

3 – Creativity! Go ahead and shine with self-expression, embrace collaborative energy, and think outside the box.

4 – Stability and Inner Wisdom! Go ahead and trust yourself. You’ve been working hard in the right direction.

5 – Possible curveball! Embrace change and keep a positive mindset. Things may be happening behind the scenes, but you’re on the right path.

6 – Connect with your heart! Seek comfort, reframe from negative thoughts, and be kind to yourself. Choose how you want to interpret a situation and remember that everything happens for a reason.

7 – Lucky! Let go of your fears, listen to your instincts, trust in the universe, say a payer for good fortune.

8 – Abundance! Similar to the infinity symbol that continues like an endless flow of life, now is a good time to let the world know exactly what you want.

9 – Ending! That’s not a bad thing. A situation may soon be ending, or you are close to achieving a goal. It’s a great time to step outside of your comfort zone to make things happen and expand your horizons.

There are doubters in this world that will say that referring to Angel Numbers is a bit too new age for them, or it is for the “hippies”. Here is how I think it brings me peace… In the middle of my day when I am worried about life in general and wondering how I will get through certain things, when I see numbers that make me smile, that is what I do. It’s God reminding me that He is with me and that he has my back. God has a fun way of jumping in to our lives, if we will just watch out for it.

Life

Masculine Energy in Women

April 27, 2023

Based on that title, you are probably thinking, “Whaaaaaaat?”

I totally get that. A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’ and thought it sounded intriguing, only to move on with my life and not give it a second thought. Until, a few days later while listening to a podcast about ‘The Office’… Melora Hardin who plays Jan Levinson (Gould), was asked why her and Steve Carrell (Michael Scott) had this weird chemistry and why did she think that Jan was attracted to Michael.

Melora explained how Jan was very independent, focusing on her career and climbing the corporate ladder. With Michael, she could let down her masculine energy and just be more feminine.

I am a huge fan of ‘The Office’ and while the Michael and Jan storyline was always fun to see, her explanation made sense. Plus, with it being the second time in a week that I had heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’, I figured it was the universe’s way of telling me to look in to this.

So, I did. And it was a lightbulb moment, or as Oprah likes to say, it was an “Ah-ha!” moment.

Do you relate to any of these below?

Woman with too much masculine energy in love relationships:

Difficulty expressing yourself
Come off as aggressive, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling
Always in charge of arranging dates, making plans with others
Giving unwanted advice
Telling men that you don’t need their help
Trying to portray extreme independence
Problems with intimacy (receiving pleasure)

I have been single for a very long time, and I have learned how to take care of myself. Yay for the independence, right? I also have a tendency to tell men when they try and do things for me, “Shockingly, I have survived the majority of my life without you.” When I say this, I am not trying to come across as rude, I am wanting to make sure they are aware that I am not one of those needy women and I will take care of myself.

But, here’s a secret, I’m tired of trying to be so self sufficient.

troubled young woman near broken automobile in countryside during car accident

Woman with too much masculine energy in relationship with herself:

Disconnected from your emotions
Self-worth based on outside factors – material success, other people opinions
Overly self-critical
Always planning and organizing
Masculine body movements, posture, walk

I was honestly a bit surprised that “always planning and organizing” fell under a masculine trait. Then I started looking inward and realized that I have been the planner for so long that I am nervous when others do it. It’s not that I feel the need to be in charge, it’s just that if no one else is going to step up, I will get it figured out and done.

Another secret, I’m tired of always being the one to plan.

Woman with too much masculine energy in friendships:

Not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with feelings
Afraid of building deep connections
Appearing aloof, cold
Trying to impress, coming off as bragging
Difficulty with close physical affection

Some people will say that I have no problem with sharing my feelings and in some instances, that is true. I am an open book on some aspects. However, when it comes to my complete true feelings, I am not comfortable with sharing my vulnerability. Why? You will use all of that against me in due time, when you are tired of being friends with me. So, it’s easier to put on the persona of being “tough” and then I don’t have to worry about whether our friendship will last or not.

Third secret… I love nothing more than genuine conversation that involves being open, learning about another person, and creating a connection.

So, here we are wondering WHY a woman may experience too much masculine energy.

Having a mother or other female role model with too much masculine energy – Maybe you grew up with a mom that had to make all of the decisions at home while being the disciplinarian. If this is you, you grew up thinking this was normal.

Experience abuse or violence as a woman – Of course we are going to put on our protective armor now.

Living in a society that values and rewards masculine traits more than feminine ones – I lived in the South for over 20 years and surrounded by the military. Men = Respect. Women = There to take care of their man.

Taking on too many masculine roles in order to survive (e.g., being the breadwinner, single parent, taking care of others) – As a single mom without family near, I took care of myself and my children. There wasn’t anyone to take care of me. I had to set my feelings aside more often than not. If I hadn’t, I don’t know how I would have made it through life.

Time and again, a woman will exude masculine energy as a defense mechanism. Being raised in a dysfunctional home, experiencing childhood trauma, or feeling abandoned may cause women to put on the masculine energy shield like a medieval night puts on his armor… To protect our hearts.

Although masculine energy may appear as positive attributes such as being driven, hardworking, and independent, when it becomes our default way of thinking, we deny ourselves the proper care, soul nurturing, compassion and true connections that we crave. When we deny ourselves what our souls desire, we can become quite harsh and unyielding, as we protect ourselves too much.

If you related to any of this like I did, the lightbulb in your head is probably flashing and you are nodding your head in agreement. This is where you get to do your own searching as your journey is unique to you.

For myself, I started with a simple change…

I spoke up and told the man in my life that he needs to make more decisions for the week. This was suggested to me by a friend and it is two-fold – He gets to be the “man” in the relationship and I lessen my worries of disappointing another with my decision. I am one of the lucky ones that happens to have a man that is very easy going. While it is truly a blessing, there are a lot of times that I am the one stuck with making the decisions because he is okay with whatever I decide (within reason). Many women would prefer to be the decision makers, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.

If you are tired of always having to put on a tough exterior to show the world you are okay, it is okay to finally take your mask off. Be you. Find the person inside of you that you forgot about… Nurture her… Be your true self. As women, we shouldn’t have to act like men to accomplish what we want. There is power in being feminine. Be you!

Health & Spiritual

Therapy Day 1 – I’m not good enough

April 25, 2023

Some words were said about me a couple of weeks ago that stung. Once again, I was informed that I wasn’t good enough. These words and who they came from hit me at the core and I have been on the verge of tears since that time. The tidal wave of tears finally hit yesterday as I had my first therapy appointment. But first, why did I decide to go to therapy?

I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of months. My insecurity has been pretty strong lately, from my own doing since I am truly my own worst enemy. Last week after no resolution or being able to get over my own feelings, I logged on to BetterHelp.com and answered the questions that range from age, relationship status, religion, and what made me login.

Not being sure if virtual therapy was going to be helpful since the connection I crave was not going to be in person, I was pleasantly surprised that I clicked with my therapist right away.

Her voice is comforting with a Jamaican dialect, and her smile is full of warmth and compassion, but the raised eyebrow lets you know that she is going to be straight forward.

We talked about my current relationship and how everything is generally great, but I am waiting for the final shoe to drop. She asked why I felt that way… “Because I’m not good enough.”

“You’ve been single for awhile.”

“Yes.”

“When is the last relationship you had for an extended amount of time?”

“Oh, I was in one for five and a half years.”

“What happened?”

“I wasn’t good enough.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. In fact, he is married now. The first time I saw his wife, because she was a friend of a friend, I knew right then and there that they would end up together because she was the type he belonged with.”

“You basically handed him to her. He stuck around for over five years. He thought you were good enough.”

We talked about other things from the past and that is when she stopped me.

“In five minutes, you have said that you weren’t good enough three different times.”

crop psychologist writing on clipboard during psychotherapy session

And this is why she is a therapist. Don’t get me wrong, I have known that I feel this way often. But, to have it called out to me is something different.

I always thought that childhood issues were something that you kept in your past and that as an adult, you make the choices for your reactions. I am realizing now that that is not the case. Somewhat of a trauma response, you learn how to act towards certain situations.

Just like the walls of a house are constructed for protection, we also build walls to protect ourselves. If it is something that we have been doing since childhood, we feel it is normal and keep going on with life.

When something else happens to “verify” that I am not good enough, I either add another brick to my wall or maybe throw on some extra plaster to make sure that it is not going anywhere.

stone castle with green grass front yard

Except, my real life is not like Cinderella sitting in a castle waiting to be rescued.

Last night after my first therapy session, I was emotionally exhausted. I had ugly cried. It wasn’t because my feelings were hurt, it was because finally someone could help me make sense out of them. I have other aspects of the conversation that I need to unpack, and I will. I finally felt validated, that there was a reason why I never felt good enough, and why I protect my heart.

My homework for the week – to be mindful. When I am feeling a certain way, I need to be mindful of what led up to it. I also need to be mindful of my actions towards others, and my response in the situation.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it will take for my wall to come down, if it ever will. In certain relationships, I will work at not being on guard so much, because I truly do value those relationships that are REAL and have a strong connection. With those that judge me, I am going to work on letting that not bother me. What they think of me is THEIR choice, and one day I will realize that I am good enough.

But, do I really even want to subject myself to anyone that may feel that I am not good enough? WHY would I want to fight for myself to be a part of that?

I guess that is a good topic for Therapy on Day 2.

Entertainment

Crash My Party by Luke Bryan

March 24, 2023

Every time this song comes on, I remember back to 2013 when it first came out. I told a male friend of mine how I thought it was kind of romantic. As the man that he is, he told me that it was a “bootie call” song. To this day, I still disagree with him.

Some will say it is stereotypical country and they refuse to listen…

Some diehard country fans will refer to it as “Bro-Country” and they’re not fans of the new stuff…

woman in purple sweater using a smartphone

Then there are those like me that find meanings in songs and drift away in to our own thoughts thinking about it.

“It don’t matter what plans I got, I can break ’em
Yeah, I can turn this thing around at the next red light
And I don’t mind telling all the guys “I can’t meet ’em”
Hell, we can all go raise some hell on any other night”

What girl doesn’t want a guy looking at her, basically saying, YOU ARE MY PRIORITY! He is telling her that no matter what, he will drop every thing and go to her. Here’s the important part – he will not make her feel guilty about it.

“If it’s 2 in the morning and you’re feeling lonely and wondering what I’m doing….

Go ahead and call me, call me, call me you don’t have to worry ’bout it baby
You can wake me up in the dead of the night, wreck my plans, baby that’s alright”

As a woman that has been through relationships and never truly made to feel like a priority, this is what I would want to hear from a man. He is allowing her to be her. He knows that she has an independent soul, and he gives her the space that she needs, but makes sure that she knows, he is always there for her.

The next time you hear the song, listen to it with that thought in mind…

If you’ve never heard it, google the song and watch the video. Not only is the very handsome Luke Bryan in the song, but so is his wife. If it was about “bootie calls”, would he really have her in there? I think not.

Men, make sure your woman knows that she is your priority.

That you will give up plans with your friends to be with her…

That she can call you at 2am to talk…

And women… If your man doesn’t agree with this, leave him and make your self a priority.

Friendship

Dear Sherrill

March 17, 2023

I found out this week that you passed away a couple of years ago and so many memories went through my mind…

We began working together in 1998, maybe 1999, and we immediately clicked. You were only a few years older than me and had served four years in the Air Force and then went in to the Reserves. Raised in South Florida (my husband at the time was from there) and you had been stationed in California when Active Duty (where I’m from), so that immediately bonded us. Not to mention, we shared the same middle name. Things that seem trivial, but when you’re in your young 20’s, you grasp on to anything.

Our conversations at work were always so completely open and we talked about anything and everything…

Sometimes deep thoughts, funny gossip about other people, sometimes about our struggles growing up, my married life, your single life, what we thought the future held for us. On one Friday night every month, our department all went to dinner, then a nightclub, and our friendship felt like it had always been there as we danced without a care in the world while drinking and laughing. Your code at work was 976 so we often laughed and said, 976 BABE (from Pretty Woman) or call you “Sha-rell”, a play on the spelling of your name which is actually pronounced Cheryl.

A conversation that always stood out to me and always lingered through your life, was your mother struggling with deep depression. I believe she took her own life at some point before we met, and you were aware that you had also been afflicted with this disease, but felt you could keep ahold of it. Often, I would see you staring off, focusing on nothing. You needed reassurance in life that you were loved, and you gave love in return, never judging.

You fell in love with Derek, who also worked with us, but his feelings were not reciprocated. Somewhere in your heart, you knew this, but you were convinced he would, if only… I remember you thinking that he would now fall in love with you. He didn’t. Yet, you would still go to him when he asked… Sometimes returning full of hope, sometimes with heartbreak.

You glowed while pregnant and all of us, except Derek, did everything we could to keep you upbeat. Not only were you struggling with being single and having a child without support from the father, but you were having a bi-racial child, and your own father was having a hard time accepting that. At work with over 100 employees, most knew who the father was and you felt judged. But, we became your support team, standing up to others, making you feel safe.

Finally, that sweet baby boy came along and you finally knew the true meaning of love.

cute little baby drinking milk from bottle

Some would say you struggled with post partum depression. Those close to you knew that you were struggling with not being loved by Derek or he accepting his child. We stepped in and did our best to make sure that child felt so much love. If you needed a babysitter, one of us would step in. My husband at the time often watched him on the weekends if you were working or had Reserves. I loved holding your baby and spoiling him the way we do other people’s kids.

Maybe a year or so later, you moved to the outskirts of Chicago to live with a friend, hoping to start fresh and not have a constant reminder of Derek not loving your newly created family. We talked almost every day and I could still hear the sadness in your voice. Being in a new place is lonely, especially when you do not have confidence in yourself. You and the baby stayed sheltered in your room, not wanting to cause a disturbance to your roommate. Slowly, the loneliness took a bigger hold and you attempted to take your own life. God wasn’t ready for you yet and when your phone rang, you answered. Immediately, the angel on the phone knew something was wrong and called 911.

A few weeks later, your angel suggested you move to Oklahoma to be near him, so he could be there for you and the baby. This man loved you so very much, always had, and although you loved him as a very dear friend, you were wanting the fireworks you had felt with Derek. Yet, he was still there for you. He would keep the baby overnight, have dinner ready for the three of you, join on walks to the park, watch cheesy tv shows with you, hold you when you cried, celebrate raises at work… Everything you wanted out of Derek.

You and the baby came back for a quick visit to see family and hopefully for Derek’s acceptance. I was no longer married, but was going through my own struggles of being a single pregnant mom. Being around you again, it didn’t feel like any time had lapsed, but that sweet baby was now around 3 and was such a good kid. Yet, we both knew that something was still missing from your life.

After the two of you headed back to Oklahoma, we still kept in touch but the phone calls seemed to become more sporadic and I often received your voicemail, with no return phone call.

I had your angel’s phone number and would check in with him to see if you were okay. He assured me that you were but that you still struggled.

Time went on and the phone calls stopped. On occasion, I would google your name and you were still in Oklahoma. I found an email address for you and sent one letting you know what was going on in my life, but there was no reply. When Facebook came around, I found you and sent a friend request that went unanswered. Four years later, I sent a Facebook message saying, “I found you. Yay! Call me. Here’s my number.” Of course I stalked what I could see on your page and that baby was now a teenager, active in sports. You still looked the same with your auburn hair color and lots of black eyeliner.

To this day, each time I hear the song, “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden, I think of you. That was your song to Derek and you had even left the lyrics for him to find on his pillow case. Through the years, I would say a quiet prayer for you when the song played and wonder how you were doing. I gave up trying to reach out or google you, figuring that if you had the urge to talk, you would find me. I also knew that I was a reminder of your past, and sometimes, it is better to walk away from those people.

This week while looking through Facebook messages, I went to the Spam folder. I do this periodically to see if there is anything I missed. I laughed while I kept scrolling because there were messages from fake accounts asking if I would care for a chat, a wave emoji, and one even told me that I had beautiful feet. Then I saw the message that I sent you on November 13th, 2013, unread. I clicked on the view profile button, and I was informed that your profile wasn’t visible. Of course I was saddened that you would block me, but I also remember that you probably had to do it to escape your past, and I understood. If we had been able to talk, we would have talked about the past. When we are trying to create a new life for ourselves, talking about painful memories can take us down a hole that we may have a hard time crawling out of.

I typed your name in to Google and saw that you were listed as an Administrative Executive on LinkedIn in Wyoming of all places. LinkedIn showed that you hadn’t posted in awhile, which isn’t uncommon for most people. Back to Google and now adding in Wyoming. Up pops an announcement from a funeral home. You passed away on August 20th, 2021. No, this cannot be you. There wasn’t a full obituary so I was unable to confirm it was you, so I still had hopeful doubt. However, under the guestbook, there was one entry and it was from your angel.

“Sherrill, As you close your eyes in rest, may all your pain and troubles be lost forever. May you find paradises and a world of eternal life…May your soul Rest In Peace!”

He sent prayers to your son and your brother, with their names mentioned. That is when I knew it was you…

My focus became determining what happened in those missing years. In 2018, you fell in love with a man that served in the Army for 3 years, and became engaged. His obituary from September 23rd, 2019 tells the love story of you falling in love with his rugged good looks and his intelligence. It goes on to say that you two were looking forward to marrying and spending the rest of your lives together, and that he loved you fiercely, carrying that in your heart and soul forever. I’m not sure how or why he passed away, but that you were by his side. You carried that love for two days shy of 23 months. Grieving with a broken heart is hard to do for even the average person, but for you, your heart could not be fixed.

Sherrill, I looked up your son on Facebook. He looks like you. His profile picture shows him smiling with his arms around a young lady. He’s in the Army. I messaged your angel and your son through Messenger immediately upon seeing your announcement and although I do not expect them to find my words anytime soon, maybe one day, they will come across it when they need it. I also found a photo of you and your fiance standing in front of Mount Rushmore. He’s staring at the camera, while you are resting your head on his shoulder looking off. You hadn’t changed in all those years.

I cannot imagine the struggles you went through in life, that you felt you needed to fight on your own. And although you only had a year with the love of your life, I am happy that you were able to experience someone that loved you for you. I know that the loss was overwhelming and I wish that you had been strong enough to see your son start a family of his own, I understand that you felt this was your only option.

I will continue to remember you each time I hear the numbers 976 or the song by Savage Garden. I’m sorry that you struggled. I’m sorry that we didn’t keep in touch. I’m sorry that you felt this was the way out. I’m sorry that you didn’t know the impact you made on others. Thank you for being my friend all those years ago.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support. https://988lifeline.org/

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

My favorite articles