Life
Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…
Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.
The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”
We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.
I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.
Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.
“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”
“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”
“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”
“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”
“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”
I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”
Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.
While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.
However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.
So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.
