group conversation – Swimming With The Rain

Reverse Gossip

February 26, 2021

We know that attitudes are contagious, whether positive or negative. I am kind of grouchy when I wake up and my family always adjusted to it. And then along came my first child. He was born happy! He would wake up from naps smiling and would just be so excited to see me. How could I possibly act cranky towards a sweet innocent child that was jumping up and down in his crib when I came in. So, I had to change my morning attitude but it was easy to do with him.

Of course we love being around those positive people because they make us feel special and we also find ourselves happier. For instance, you have the option to sit on the beach for the day with one of two people… One of them is a constant complainer. If you say that it is a beautiful summer day, they will tell you that it is too hot. The other one looks at things from a positive view point so while they may agree that it is hot, they will also add that thankfully you two can get in the water when you need to cool off. Or better yet, they brought ice cold beer with them. Tell us about a situation where you encountered having to spend time with either of these types of people and how it reflected on you.

If your attitude is contagious, can positive gossip be contagious? Of course it can! Look at restaurant reviews and word of mouth! With social media as the most powerful influencer, think about when a new restaurant opens and one of your friends goes in the first few weeks. There will always be a post about the service and food. From there, you may decide that you need to go very soon, or you’ll wait six months and let them get their kinks worked out and see if they’re still open. Which places have you NOT been to but have heard about? Which places have you been to and told others about your experience?

One of my favorite examples about reverse gossip ~ There was a woman in our social circle that always showed up for Bunco, outdoor concerts, girl nights, etc. For the better part of a year, no one seemed to befriend her. She wasn’t rude, in fact she was Southern and had that syrupy Alabama drawl. She was pleasant enough, but we never took the time to get to know her on a personal level. Finally, I decided that if she was going to keep coming around, I would create a goal for myself to find something to connect with her about. During a girls night dinner, we started asking HER questions instead of just including her in the conversation. Come to find out, she was a fascinating woman! She was a psychologist with the military, had travelled all around the world and experienced many different cultures. The friends that were there that evening began to share this with others in our social circle, and I began to watch the effect this had on other people, as even more women accepted her and made her feel included. It made me realize that our gossiping about how we weren’t really sure why she was still coming around, impacted those around us. Once we started spreading positive “gossip”, it changed the way others looked at her.

Here is an example conversation of turning negative gossip in to something positive…

John: Mary is really lazy.

You: I’ve never noticed that. She is talented, wouldn’t you agree?

John (Grudgingly): Yes, I guess so.

Later you see Mary at the coffee machine and the conversation goes as follows:

You: I was talking with John earlier. He was saying you are very talented (after all, he did agree to that, didn’t he?).

Mary: Wow! I didn’t know he thought that of me. I’ve always felt he was very judgmental and snobby.

You: Hmm, never picked up on that. Really hard worker, isn’t he?

Mary: Well, I guess you have to give him credit for that.

The next day you and John are talking and you happen to mention:

You: Mary was talking about how hard a worker you are.

John: Really? Didn’t think she liked me, but maybe she’s not so bad after all.

Now, the next time John and Mary cross paths they both see each other in an entirely different light, with a completely different attitude and set of expectations – one of peace, enjoyment, and kindness. And it all happened because of you.

Let’s try this game about “Reverse Gossip”. In this game, instead of telling people the gossip people say about them or others, let’s repeat only the good that people say (even if we have to “suggest” that good), and find reasons to judge others favorably in all other situations. If we spent more time speaking favorably about people, imagine the positivity you would create for those around you.

Would you rather be known for spreading hurtful lies or having a positive outlook? Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?

***The above was used in a guided group conversation. Similar to a bible study, but without the religious references. If you have questions on how to spark this conversation amongst friends, co-workers, or in a social circle, feel free to email me at SwimmingWithTheRain@yahoo.com

Life

Tell Yourself You’re Happy

February 26, 2021

When I was first married to the military, I came across Captain Yost. He was a tall, thin man and always very welcoming towards our young Enlisted family. Of course each time we saw each other, he would ask the obligatory “Hi, how are you?” and I would tell him about a teething infant or a husband that wouldn’t mow the yard. Yet, when I would ask him, he would reply with, “I am doing wonderful!” One afternoon while walking my teething child in his stroller, we saw Captain Yost out in his yard. Once again I asked how he was doing and he told me that he was doing wonderful. Puzzled at his happiness, I finally asked what made him feel this way, or at least answer that way all the time. His explanation, “Why not? I tell myself that I am happy and I believe it.” I haven’t seen Captain Yost since 1996 but his words still stick with me.

The definition for happiness is “the state of being happy”. Synonyms include ~ pleasure, contentment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being, enjoyment. Come up with a few sentences off the top of your head that include one of these words.

Some people assume that just because someone seems to be happy the majority of the time, they are not in touch with reality or they are faking it. But, happiness is a choice. And when you decide to make that choice, you may have to work at it. I was talking with a friend the other evening, explained my concept that we all have a choice on how we react to things, and we talked in depth of how to deal with some of the frustrating people in his life. For instance, I told him to turn it around on them; that with the constant complainer, ask her what would make her happy in that particular situation. Obviously, some of my “instructing” worked. The next day, he dealt with a motorcycle that tried to cut him off in traffic and instead of getting mad at something that was beyond his control, he took a deep breath and went back to life.

Happiness is a choice, you cannot choose what happens, but you can choose your reaction to it and be happy. ~ RVM

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice. ~ Jim Rohn

The only reason you are happy is because you choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering. ~Miguel Angel Ruiz

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

We all have hapiness inside and it’s not at all hard to find. It’s sealed deep in our hearts and guarded by our soul. You don’t have to beg to use it. All you have to do is choose it! ~Bebeth

An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters. ~Steve Goodier

Though no one can backtrack and create a brand new start, Everyone is capable of taking their life in a brand new direction. ~ Germany Kent

Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy and you will be. ~ Domonique Bertolucci, The Happiness Code: Ten Keys to Being the Best You Can Be

Feeling happy or hurt by every little thing is a choice that makes life beautiful or ugly. ~ Archana Chaurasia Kapoor

Relationships matter. The roles people play in your life will influence you so get serious about who you allow to affect you. Nurture those relationships in your circle that foster success and happiness, and continuously position yourself among change agents and thought leaders. ~ Germany Kent

Living in happiness means practicing the dance of “detachment-attachment”. On a daily basis, we must sense which moments, which events, which people, thoughts and circumstances to detach ourselves from; and which ones to attach ourselves to. Learning this dance, and doing it well, leads to happiness. ~ C. JoyBell C.

When you decide to live in a state of happiness, it does not mean that you are not allowed to have other feelings, they just become less frequent. After a while, you will realize that you begin to look at experiences differently, recognizing that the stressors can be moments of opportunity and not opposition.

Happy people know their strengths and use those to build their confidence. Think of it as throwing together a big birthday celebration ~ if you get nervous talking to people but you are a really good cook, choose to be the one to create the elaborate meal, being able to stay behind scenes, and let someone else do the schmoozing. So, let’s get to know ourselves and toot our own horns for a bit ~

I like myself because…

I’m an expert at…

People say I am a good…

What I enjoy most is…

I have a natural talent for…

I feel good when I…

The traits I admire myself for are…

I feel peaceful when…

Use these things towards encouraging your happiness! Of course, it is always important to have an open mind but if you know that you enjoy being creative for instance, be creative! Wander around Michael’s or Hobby Lobby to get ideas. If you enjoy reading, join a book club to talk with other readers. Cooking big dinners could be something you excel at but you live alone… Well, invite others over to share dinner time with you. Feeling nervous about volunteering for something? Speak up! You know what you are good at and what you enjoy. Offer to do it. Just like having to deal with a kid’s sports team… Some moms are meant for the “Team Mom” position. I am not. But, I can cut up some oranges for half time. Do what you love!

To quote Aristotle, “Happiness is a state of activity”. Do you know of any truly happy people that sit home every day, all day? This may sound like a great thing to do but after awhile, boredom sets in, it’s the same routine day after day, they are no longer thriving. The happiest of people enjoy experiencing life, pursuing passions and building connections. Of course, it also depends on your mood. If you have had a hectic week, sometimes all you want is to just sit still for one night and stare at your tv. Does this make you unhappy? No. On the contrary, that might make you happy by re-energizing yourself. Then there are those particular days that you just feel rough and you need to make that connection with people to feel that confidence again. Start taking notice of when you need to be by yourself and when you need to be with people. Once you start paying attention to this, it will help to increase your happiness awareness. Tell us about what you do when you need to be re-energized…

Part of learning to be happy is being able to find the good in situations, the silver linings. Or it may not necessarily be the good but the lesson or trying to look at something with a different frame of mind. You have to be willing to see things from another perspective. Then you have to train yourself to quit thinking negative about so many things.

Years ago, I started this process and it was hard at times. For instance, if a car was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic, I would think to myself about how there really is the possibility that they just got a call that a loved one is in the hospital and they are trying to get to them. What about the mom that is half ignoring her child in the grocery store? Well, she may have been listening to that child all day and her patience level is really low so I smile at the mom to let her know I understand. Most recently, I lost my phone. I tried everything I could to get it back and finally had to give up. At one point, I remember standing there wanting to yell and scream but I thought, “Here I am telling people how they need to lead a more positive life and if I can’t practice what I preach, what good is that?” So, I took a deep breath and accepted the fact that my phone was lost. Yes, it did put a damper on the day, but I did not become as angry as I could have. What are some examples of things you have had to look at in a different light so you wouldn’t get upset?

One of my favorite places to shop is Fresh Market, and I tell people all the time that it is the most pleasurable shopping experience ever. When you walk in, there is something about the hardwood floor, the display cases, the smell… Just the whole atmosphere, including the classical music at the perfect volume. Stop and think about what your favorite places do to create a relaxing atmosphere.

The self-talk that you keep running through your mind is like the background music of your life. It plays almost continuously, like a constant chatter without necessarily a specific thought.

The self-talk may not be something that we say out loud but we hear it each time we look in the mirror, talk to a co-worker, text with a friend. We have programmed our mind to think a certain way and that is the only way it knows how to react. If each time a co-worker asks you a questions and you think, “You again?!?” this will put you in to a negative state. So, if our subconscious talks to us in a certain way and it is OUR subconscious which we trained, we need to reprogram it to think positive self-talk.

Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take it’s place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you. ~ Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused — And Start Standing Up for Yourself

The way you choose to think and speak about yourself (to yourself and others), IS A CHOICE! You may have spent your whole life talking about yourself in a negative way, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue that path. ~ Miya Yamanouchi

My challenge to you today is to observe your thoughts and internal dialogue and recognize if and when you speak poorly to yourself. We all have moments of self-deprecation and very often we are too hard on ourselves. Today, start to be caring and supportive of yourself. Observe that little voice in your head and say something positive to yourself instead! ~ Elaine Seiler, Getting Rid of Negative Energy

Don’t undermine yourself. The one person who should never undermine you, is you. Believe in possibilities. Believe in yourself. Believe you are capable. Engage in positive self-talk. Be an advocate for your betterment. Be your own friend. Be loving to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. Encourage yourself. Celebrate yourself. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Let go of your limiting beliefs. You are capable of more than you think. ~ Akiroq Brost

The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes. Mahatma Gandhi

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. Willie Nelson

Here we are and you are wondering what the point was in all of this rambling about happiness… Did it make you think? Did it make you realize how your words to yourself can make an impact on your mood?

Don’t necessarily lie to people about how you are doing. If your dog just died, you do not have to say you are doing wonderful. But, don’t complain that no one ever asks you to do anything, and then turn down every offer. Being happy also includes being grateful. Standing on your feet making dinner after a 9 hour work day? Be thankful you have a job and money to feed your family. Find the positive in situations. This is what you need to work on.

Final example – I recently moved from the warm beaches in Florida to the snow-covered Mid-west. Each time someone asks me what I think, I say, “I love it!” Do you know what they end up doing? Laughing, smiling, and we have started our conversation on a positive feeling.

The above was used in a guided group conversation. Similar to a bible study, but without the religious references. If you have questions on how to spark this conversation amongst friends, co-workers, or in a social circle, feel free to email me at SwimmingWithTheRain@yahoo.com

Health & Spiritual

Atmosphere of Growth

February 24, 2021

I was listening to a podcast one day and they proposed the question, “What did you like to do when you were 10?” Based on that answer, you may be able to figure out what would make you happy NOW. So, I started thinking about this and remembering how our joy was pretty carefree at that point in time. I researched this topic for two weeks and I wasn’t feeling the “spark” I normally get when I have hit on to something. So, I threw out my notes and started over with an open mind.

Instead of doing the research to have google tell me, I asked myself, “What is an atmosphere of growth?” To me, it is basically a couple of things ~ accepting and understanding things from your past and saying, “Why Not?”. For all of this to work, you have to be willing to open your mind a bit. If someone says, “Green is the greatest color!” but we all know that Purple is, ask them why they feel that way and listen. So, open your mind while we delve in to this.

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.” ― Gerald G. Jampolsky

“Hanging on to resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” – Ann Landers

“Suffering is not holding you. You are holding suffering. When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you’ll come to realize how unnecessary it was for you to drag those burdens around with you. You’ll see that no one else other than you was responsible. The truth is that existence wants your life to become a festival.” ~ Osho

“The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time. And that’s why when one has become a forgiving person, and has managed to let go of the past, what they’ve really done is they’ve shifted their relationship with time.” – Caroline Myss

“I don’t regret difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today. I feel the way a warrior must feel after years of training; he doesn’t remember the details of everything he learned, but he knows how to strike when the time is right.” – Paolo Coelho

“The past was always there, lived inside of you, and it helped to make you who you were. But it had to be placed in perspective. The past could not dominate the future.” ― Barbara Taylor Bradford, Unexpected Blessings

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.” – Barbara De Angelis

“Never regret- If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” – Anonymous

“We have to do with the past only as we can make it useful to the present and the future.” – Frederick Douglass

“Only by acceptance of the past can you alter it.” – T.S. Eliot

YOUR PAST

“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?” – Mary Manin Morrisse

There are several people that will say, “Your past is your past. Leave it there.” While that does make sense, how are you going to understand who you are now if you haven’t figured things out from your past? Yes, you can change who you are, per say, but your childhood, early adulthood, things like that, still make you, you.

What movie are these two quotes from?

Jake ~ You can have roots and wings.

Bobby Ray – You can take the girl out of the honky-tonk but you can’t take the honky-tonk out of the girl.

Now, in Sweet Home Alabama, Melanie Carmichael had run off to New York to become a better person. She did not like her sweet southern life and wanted as far away from it as possible. But, when she had to confront it again, she found that it was HOME to her. And, THAT is growth. She had to try something NEW to realize how much she did love her past.

But, there are things that will have happened in your past that are not as heart warming as Sweet Home Alabama. If you have something that caused you harm, you will probably still have a “fight mode” in you. To have some of that in you, is okay, ONLY if you have learned from it. And no, I am not saying that if your husband beat you, that you should figure out WHY he beat you. What I learned, and it took me a few years to not flinch in certain situations, and to imagine me telling someone else, “You cannot hurt me more than he hurt me and I won’t let you. This time, I’ll kill you.” That is my bit of growth, I had to give myself the confidence that no one will ever do that to me again because I would step up.

Do you have something from your past that you have accepted and dealt with?

Is there something in your past that you have not dealt with that you feel is hindering your future?

LEARN TO SAY, “Why not?”

Example ~ You and your friend have been meeting at the same place every 1^st Monday of the month for three years. She says, “How about we try a different place on Thursday instead of Monday.” Our first reaction is generally one of, “What?!? Why would you want to do something different?!?” because we are naturally creatures of habit. But, what if we just say, “Why not?” and try it. What if you get there and realize that you really do enjoy meeting on Thursdays because it feels like a special “Friday Eve” and you’re not as tired as you normally are on Mondays. Not to mention that the atmosphere of this new place is really rather fun.

I’ve been trying to adopt this thinking and I use it from time to time when a new experience is presented to me. There are times that I start talking to people and they are surprised at how many little things in life I have done. I have to owe it to being able to say, “Why not?” I have ridden on the back of a motorcycle through the hills of Kentucky, I have skinny dipped in the Gulf of Mexico, I have ridden a snow mobile in to Wyoming, I have met an author whose book just touched me, I have danced with a zydeco band in New Orleans, I tried Indian food even though the first time I had it I didn’t like it, I sat front row listening to the legendary Darryl Strawberry tell us about how he had turned his life around… All of this may not seem like much but when you start looking at the little things in life, you realize that those are the moments that bring you happiness, having experiences in life.

Our beloved Shonda Rhimes wrote a book called, “The Year of Yes”. Her plans were to basically say yes to unexpected invitations.

I think a lot of people dream. And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the really successful people, the really interesting, powerful, engaged people, are busy doing.

If I don’t poke my head out of my shell and show people who I am, all anyone will ever think I am is my shell.

The rule is: there are no rules. Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tell you to.

The point of this whole Year of Yes project is to say yes to things that scare me, that challenge me.

This Yes is about giving yourself the permission to shift the focus of what is priority from what’s good for you over to what makes you feel good.

If I am not going to change, I have to move on. I can’t waste precious time hovering in the “I wishes” and the “if onlys”.

The next time a friend tries to set you up on a blind date, be like Shonda and say, “Yes!” The next time a friend suggests a random happy hour and even though you are already tired and just want to relax at home, say, “Why not?” The next time someone says that they are having to go to a birthday party and they really don’t want to go alone and would like for you to go with them, say, “Yes!” Don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you. Although this may not sound like your type of thing, how else are you going to experience life and find out if you don’t like it? This is your other example of “Atmosphere of Growth”. Being willing to open your mind to new ideas and new things.

Is there something holding you back from saying, “Why not?” or “Yes!”

Take care of yourself first so you can give your best self to others. When your journey becomes about self-growth, you will begin to find your happiness. That is when you will start to feel an acceptance of your past that will lead you in to wanting to experience all that life has to offer. The real compass is your heart, your soul. When your heart and soul jive with your thoughts, you can do this journey of self-growth by aligning your life with your personal values. If you are tired of living your life in such a negative way, change it. Make it a value of yours that you will move away from toxic relationships, search for peace, spend time with those you love. Find your value and focus on that. Do some soul searching. You may have to come to terms with your past to find that inner peace and you may have to learn to say, “Why not?” to experience new joy.

So, back to the original questions ~ So, what did you like to do when you were 10? Are you going to get back to having a bit of that carefree joy? The choice is yours.

Reverse Gossip

Tell Yourself You’re Happy

Atmosphere of Growth

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