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Swimming With The Rain
God

God, Balance, and a Heart Chakra

  • July 14, 2020

One of the things that I exceed at is floating in a pool, and not just on a float (which if you have a graceful way to get on, please share).  I’m talking about the kind where you lay flat on your back, arms at your sides, toes in the air…  Quietly clearing my mind, focusing on my breathing, buoyancy supporting my body.  After a bit, I no longer have to concentrate and I begin to stare up at the sky, letting the conversation around me continue as muffled sounds.  As crazy as it sounds, I have a hard time balancing on my two feet but ask me to tread water, I can do that!  Until this past summer…

I started to realize that something was off a few weeks ago, when I was unable to stay balanced while floating.  My left shoulder kept pulling me down, which is strange because in the normal world, it felt perfectly fine.  I tried to concentrate harder, I tried to not concentrate, I tried to pull down with my right side, I tried to pull up with my left.  Nothing was working.  I knew that I was fighting with some inner emotional turmoil but I did not put two and two together that this could affect me in such a way. 

In frustration, I googled…  I couldn’t find too much but what I did find led me to something about the Heart Chakra.  The what?!?  Nope.  I am not going to buy in to that whole peace, love, and happiness craze…  It’s just not how I was raised, and I think it goes against God.  (Stay with me on this, please.)  So, I push all of this new age information aside and head up to Indiana to see friends that have known me for over 20 years, because with them, I feel myself.

That first evening, with lightning bugs floating nearby and Jason Aldean coming out of the speakers, we swam around in the pool just laughing and feeling free.  Out of habit, I immediately went in to floating position so I could stare up at the summer sky…  Left shoulder pulled down.  It’s never been A LOT, just enough for me to know that something isn’t right.  A couple of hours and Rumplemintz shots later, a song comes on that reminds us of a dear friend that passed away several years back.  We toast to him and smile… 

But then something happens to me.  I start to sob.  And I can’t stop!  For over 30 minutes, it’s like someone turned a faucet on in my eyes and they were just continuing to leak, THEY WOULD NOT STOP!  I wiped away tears, I went underneath the water, I looked up at the starry sky…  Nothing but tears. 


The next morning, we all kind of laughed about my never ending crying, and chalked it up to the Rumplemintz mixed with the need to release pent up emotion.  Yet, something had shifted in me… Exasperation had left my body. The angst I had been carrying of not being good enough, the fear of being the real me, the sadness of not being completely loved, the constant stress of the unknown with my job, the burden of trying to be everything to everyone… It was gone.

I was finally filled with an overwhelming peace and knew I was fully loved, right where I was at. Without being able to explain what I was feeling, I wanted to soak in the day and experience this feeling that felt so incredibly profound that words were not enough.

Without realizing it in the pool, I went in to my full body float and that is I had another discovery… I was laying completely still… Both shoulder blades where they needed to be, neither fighting for a different angle… Staring up at the Indiana sun, with a genuine smile.


A few days later, I sent my friend Marie a text to let her know I was heading back home. Her reply, “Are you sad? Refreshed? Rejuvenated?” I contemplated the best word to explain what I was going through… “Balanced. Does that make sense?” While that word made sense to me in a way, I still felt like I was meant to learn something from this. But, what? Not wanting to get in to this peace, love, happiness mumbo jumbo, I kept it in the back of my mind, yet it was pushing forward.

Thank goodness for my weekend pool days with Diana… She is my worldly traveler with an open mind, thinking before she speaks, but knowing she can be honest with me. Diana exudes a sense of wisdom and it is because of that, I have always had a natural calm around her. Explaining my release to her and brief findings of a heart chakra, but not sure what to make of it, I am 90% sure that she had a firm grasp on what I would find, but was confident that I would have to accept it myself… “You’re good at research. Look it up.”

What an intriguing lesson I found myself in the middle of… The heart chakra, when open to receive, is just between the shoulder blades, and your body takes in the energy of love, joy, abundance, forgiveness, trust, relationships… But, when this is closed off, a person will begin to feel apathetic, unforgiving, distrustful, and detached. The tension in the shoulder blades represents an inability to let go or forgive… Not just to others, but to ourselves. Finally, I found something that explained me almost word for word!

Here is where some would say that it gets tricky… How could I believe in something like this but also believe in God?

A gift had been handed to me as all of the pieces to this puzzle finally came together. These past several months and the struggle for connecting my thoughts all started to make sense… I have been working on putting my life back in to balance. I had not felt worthy of love, even from friends, and detached myself from anyone that I didn’t know if I could trust. By nature, I am a very distrustful person, always waiting for the ball to drop. Self-sabotage most would call it.

What I have realized the last several years, not everything is black and white. Just like when we are raising our children, they are not the same and generally need to be handled differently. Therefore, I believe that God allows us to learn in so many different ways, and that is what makes us unique. If you don’t think so, think about how one person feels God’s presence and has an ongoing conversation with Him while walking through a forest, but another feels it sitting silently in prayer. I have prayed to God to show me how to change my life and He chose to show me in a way that would bring me balance. By allowing God to explain to me that I need to allow love and trust in, I am still aware that HE is the one to nudge me and guide me to my purpose.

If your life is out of balance, I urge you to listen to your body. Is something feeling off? If so, pray, meditate, do whatever you do to help bring clarity to your life. Open yourself up to love and know that you are worthy of it. I promise, when you feel the answer, you will feel tension leave your body and it is quite profound.

All me

Bucket List Ideas

  • July 11, 2020

I’m not sure if the term ‘Bucket List’ was used prior to the release of the movie “Bucket List” starring Jack Nicolson and Morgan Freeman, written and produced by Rob Reiner, but it is something that everyone now seems to have. In fact, I have kept a running list on my phone since 2012.

Why on my phone? Because each time I have an idea, I can immediately add to it and the list keeps growing. I have only been able to scratch two things off of there and that has been within the past year (lightning bugs and covered bridges).

So, what’s the difference between a bucket list and goals? To me, a bucket list is something you do that encourages you to experience life and fill your soul with memories, while a goal is something you work toward and even build on.

For instance, with the lightning bugs, growing up out west, we didn’t have these things. Although I had read about these little flying glow sticks in books, heard lyrics about summer evenings being lit up with them in songs, and saw them set the backdrop in movies, they always held a romantic mystery to me. While visiting Ann in Indiana last year, there they were! She caught one for me and put it on my arm and I smiled like a child that had just walked in to Disney Land. I experienced this moment and it was amazing. I was experiencing life!

But, a goal… Now that is something you work towards and even build on. Let’s look at this website I am working on. For most of my life, if you would have asked me, “What is your dream job?”, I would have said, “A photographic journalist”. I had been writing for years, sometimes reading things to people, sometimes keeping my words tucked away. This websites name, I had planned out during the summer of 2018, even checking to make sure it wasn’t in use. But, it took time for me to have the courage to do it and even once I did it, it took strength for me to announce it to the world.

I don’t have the specifics written down of how I want to achieve each Bucket List item… It is generally just a few words about each thing because to me, getting in to too much detail, takes away from the spontaneity of how things are meant to happen. Take the Covered Bridges as an example… I didn’t know how I was going to make it happen, I just knew that I wanted it to. I ended up seeing one from the back of a Harley and another from the passenger side of a Corvette. Now, doesn’t that beat a tour bus? Which, I would done except for some good friends that made it happen.

And now, my Bucket List as of mid-2020…

Visit Atlantic Ocean. I have seen the Atlantic twice – once from a parking lot in Miami and the other from a road in Daytona Beach. I want to actually put my toes in it and feel the sand. Growing up on the Pacific and living on the Gulf Coast, I think it is only suiting to feel another body of water that boarders our amazing country.

Road Trip without a destination. Not the whole Thelma and Louise thing, fyi.

Ireland, Italy, Greece, Holland… Basically all of Europe.


Skydiving.

Gulf of Alaska.

Sex in a hurricane. (Ignore that one, Dad)

Walk Paris streets at night.


Drive a race car.

Grape stomping.

Visit with monks / nuns. I have this desire to be filled with their peace.

Covered Bridge.


Mardi Gras. I’ve been to New Orleans and I’ve done Bourbon Street. But, I want to experience an actual Mardi Gras with the parades and floats!

Grand Canyon.

Stay at a Dude Ranch.


African Safari.

Broadway show. I’ve seen plays and productions, but I want to be in actual New York City and watch a true Broadway show.

Opera.


Outer Banks.

Lightning Bugs.

Northern Lights.


See the Pope. I’m not even Catholic and I think it would be amazing to see this world leader.

Zambia 338ft Waterfall.

Ice fishing.

Wild Horses.


Blue Water Paradise in Arizona.

Concert at Redrock.

Stay in a seaside village as a tourist. I already live in one and I am curious as to what it is like to not be a local.


So, what is in your Bucket List? Where do you keep it? If you have not started one yet, start today. It is ok to let your heart dream and wonder, that is what keeps your soul alive and thriving. Make sure to add in simple things like lightning bugs but also far reaching like an African Safari. Doing this ensures that you take pleasure in life’s little gifts but keeps you seeking more. As you add these moments to your life, get lost in your surroundings and soak it up. Because a photo will not truly capture it, but your senses will.

All me

Reflecting on 2018…

  • July 11, 2020

As I was going through the notes section on my phone, I came across this and thought it was filled with so many reminders about life and things I still aspire to. Maybe it will inspire you, too.

2018 is coming to a close. I have chosen to be thankful that I am still alive after a severe asthma attack and I’m not taking this life for granted. I have chosen to walk away from people in my life because they weren’t good for me. I have chosen to strengthen my relationships with those that are. Life is about the choices that we make.

Anyways, what have I learned this year?

Love. The love of my boys I truly enjoy because they make me smile and fill me with so much happiness. They are my family and I am so proud watching them in this life and have renewed my strength to just enjoy them.


Friendship. Those that you can be yourself with, those are the ones that need to be kept around.


Trust. This was the big one for me because I had to trust that others would be there when I reached out.


Of course I have had my feelings hurt this year, but I have realized that their attitude is not my problem to deal with, it is theirs. Then again, it was my feelings that were hurt so I have had to take a step back and let myself realize why I let them hurt my feelings, and that is a lot of reflecting.

Why am I saying all of this… Because I made the choice to put a positive perspective on this past year. So get out there and feel love, nurture your friendships, and open yourself to trust.

Turn the music up and dance around your house. Soak up the moment you are in. Be willing to feel love and enjoyment. Learn to be at peace with yourself. Quit surrounding yourself with people that thrive off drama. Reach out to people just to say hi.

And most of all, love yourself.

Entertainment

Matchbox Twenty

  • June 18, 2020

In a 1996 Black Chevy Cavalier, three new best friends in their mid-20’s, all from different parts of the country, were driving without a care in the world, thinking life would always be this carefree. In the background, a low volume CD was playing, barely heard over the constant laughing and telling of stories that would bond the three for the next couple of softball seasons.

With Dawn in the front passenger seat (due to her long legs), and me in the back seat (short legs), Ann turned the volume up and said, “This second part reminds me of something I would say to Joey.”

I’m sorry ’bout the attitude
I need to give when I’m with you
But no one else would take this shit from me

She sang that last line with such emphasis that my ears perked up. Then I heard the second part of that verse…

And I’m so
Terrified of no one else but me
I’m here all the time
I won’t go away

While she felt the connection to the first part of the verse, that second part was written for me, and I was hooked! Dawn bought the CD probably around the same time I did my love of Matchbox 20 grew. If we were all together, that was one of the go-to CD’s that we threw in, if there was nothing worth singing on the radio. To this day, my mind goes back to the next two summers… stating my case that ‘Push’ is actually an intimate longing for love, leaving bars at ‘3am’, fantasizing how we would change life if we were in the ‘Real World’, and drifting away in to our own mind for ‘Back 2 Good’… The summers of the three of us together, forging our friendship, and figuring our own-selves out, before reality set in and pushed us apart.

As fall was settling in in 1999, Dawn and I were driving out to one of our local favorite bars when I heard a familiar rift on a guitar and then Rob Thomas’s vocal’s. “Matchbox Twenty!”, we both yelled, so excited for new new music of theirs. But, wait… “That’s Santana!” Dawn had no idea who Santana was, but being a California girl, I knew exactly who Carlos Santana was, and we were raised to KNOW the sound of his guitar. “Bet me!” (Here’s the deal, I only bet when I feel 99.9% sure. I hate losing.) She had an in with a radio dj, so she made a phone call… My first beer was on her, but we both shared in the excitement that we had our new favorite song.

And it’s just like the ocean under the moon
Well it’s the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth, yeah
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

Local bands covering that song became the background to many Friday nights that winter. We tried our best to imitate a sexy Spanish dancer and they tried their best to imitate Santana’s guitar style. This was during the time of Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez hitting it big with their music so it seemed that that era of our bar hopping days, were electrified with a bit of Latin flavor. I should also add in that this is when I finally realized the sexiness of Rob Thomas after watching the video for ‘Smooth’… I’m a sucker for a man in a cowboy hat, even a post grunge / pop / rock star.

I usually didn’t buy a music album until I knew at least three songs from it. Why was I going to waste my money on something I may not like? That wasn’t the case for Matchbox 20’s Mad Season album, I purchased it that day! And while I was still friends with both Ann and Dawn, it was a separate friendship, and that was fine; it was just the way it was. But, thanks to Ann, I now had Melanie and she made you understand what they meant about redheads. Oh, the conversations we had… Some of the best to this day. Back then, we used to talk about everything under the sun, never afraid of being judged. And lyrics, we loved to analyze our own personal meanings. The day that Mad Season was released in 2000, she called to ask if I’d heard the song that we would spend weeks searching for an explanation to on why this hit us so hard… Rest Stop became a phrase for us while discussing relationships ~ “Are you at a rest stop?” and we automatically knew what the other meant.

While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you’re dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn’t care

The following year, a man that I still wonder about 20 years later, asked me what song I would use to describe myself. Hesitating, I told him ‘Bent’, knowing that if he knew the lyrics, he would understand what was going on inside of me. With a sad smile on his face, he replied “I understand being jaded”.

If I couldn’t sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I’m jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

If the first album was about getting to know my friends, and the second was about getting to know myself, the third album, ‘More Than You Think You Are’ from 2002 was about building confidence and breaking up. While I didn’t play this cd on a continuous rotation like I did the others, the song ‘Disease’ is what I played every day on my way to work. It was driven with confidence, yet longing… Sure of self, but questioning…

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody’s heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go
You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
No one’s ever turned you over
No one’s tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart
I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
Feels like you’re making a mess
You’re hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

September 2003 and Dawn has tickets to go and see Matchbox Twenty the night before my 30th birthday. How perfect is this?!? We put my three cd’s in rotation and sang all of their songs during the 2 1/2 hour drive so that we were prepared for our favorite band live on stage. While I don’t remember them singing particular songs, I remember the feeling of just being thrilled that I was there. However, since these tickets were free through her work, not everyone around us were as big of fans as us, so they stayed pretty calm during the whole thing. But, that’s ok. Because for my 30th birthday, I was able to see the band that had a hand in shaping my 20’s.

Finally, their first compilation album comes out in 2007 with several new songs and some past hits. The first song listed, “How Far We’ve Come” with it’s loud strumming guitar and catchy beat made you bob your head in tune with the music and lift your hand up to point to the air while singing. There were phrases that really stuck out to me, such as, “Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?” and “Say your goodbyes if you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to“. But, the chorus… When it came on, my four year old in the back seat would say, “Turn it up, please”.

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we’re gonna find out
Let’s see how far we’ve come
Let’s see how far we’ve come

When the album ‘North’ was released in 2012, I didn’t even know about it. At that point, I was in my 5 year relationship and I either listened to Country or Christian when by myself, or Top 40 when the kids were around. So, in 2013 when I heard “Overjoyed”, I thought it was a nice song and although I was happy to hear Matchbox Twenty on the radio again, I was coming in to my 40’s and it just wasn’t hitting me like it used to. Music is so personal to me that sometimes, I just can’t listen to certain things because I DON’T want to go back to a time or have memories brought up. Even if those memories are filled with longing for another person. Sometimes, I have to shut that off.

Fast forward to 2020, and this text comes in from Joey, my fellow music lover…

These words of his that he wrote… Wow! Rob Thomas confirmed that he is just like the rest of us, struggling with our emotions and sometimes, still so unsure of ourselves. There are just too many words and phrases that I connected to so I suggest watching the video and letting it all sink in. The words, while they pack a punch, the melody feels hopeful. Maybe it will encourage you to reach out to someone…

What happened after hearing this song, you wonder… Well, I found him on Spotify and I am discovering songs of his that I passed over in the past few years and I am reliving some memories with a smile on my face. And, if you ever come across tickets for Rob Thomas or Matchbox Twenty, count me in!

Advice Column

I had a baby and lost my social friends…

  • June 17, 2020

DEAR ABBY: I recently welcomed my third child, a baby boy who was wanted and planned. We are overjoyed. Our two daughters are just under 10 years old. Over the years, my social circle has consisted mostly of the parents of my daughters’ friends.

Abby, my news was met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled for my pregnancy, while others were shocked. One woman even told me, “I’m just not in that phase of life anymore.”

After my son was born, I didn’t get visits or even a phone call from some of them. I announced his birth on social media and mailed out a beautiful announcement, but he hasn’t been acknowledged nor have I been checked on.

I know he won’t really be affected by this and I’m trying to focus on the positives. We have a big family on both sides, and many people within our community have warmly welcomed him. But I have been a good friend to these women, supported them in their times of need and even reached out during this pandemic to check on them in an effort to reconnect. I’m so disappointed. What am I supposed to say to these “friends” when I run into them again? — NEW MOM AGAIN

DEAR MOM: When you encounter them, be cordial. Make polite conversation and ask how they and their families are doing. If they inquire, tell them you and your family are well. Then move on, recognizing you are dealing with individuals who are solely centered upon themselves. Do not attempt to revive a relationship with anyone who cares so little about you that they would treat you as they have, but do recognize how fortunate you are that you know not to invest more of your time or yourself in them.

Years ago, my friend Dawn found out she was pregnant and Ann and I were not sure how to react. Although we were truly happy for her, we knew that life was going to be different now that she was pregnant and would have to focus her time on a newborn. Well, Ann was the one that actually said the words, and I don’t blame her; she was being honest to someone we thought was a true friend. Ann wasn’t calling off the friendship, she was simply stating that things were going to be different. Dawn did not react well to this, assuming the worse and wrote us both off via a worded letter. It is not that we were upset that she was having a child, especially since I had a 5 year old, we knew that our bar hopping days were over for the time being, and that was fine. I think what really hit Dawn is that SHE KNEW her life was going to be different and took her frustration out on us. Months later, Dawn did reach out to me and we were friends for another 15 years or so. The funny thing is, when I found myself pregnant a few years later (SURPRISE!), Ann did not walk away from me. We discussed how life was going to be different and I was willing to admit it. In fact, she was there for the birth of Daniel and we’re still friends, all these years later. Dawn was also a constant in that child’s life and since I had never planned on having another after my first, she ‘got back at me’ with things I did to her baby (buying noisy toys, putting extra spaghetti sauce on a two year old’s plate… Those kinds of silly things.) What I’m saying is this… If you are talking about friendS as in plural, are these your social friends or your close friends. Because close friends realize that this is our life and how we grow. Social friends, you have added a new element and they just don’t want to deal with it. Is it right? Well, realize this… They were not your good friends. They enjoy life with being able to let 10 year old’s run around in the back yard and although they are being watched, they are kind of on their own. A newborn… Life is completely different and they just don’t want to deal with that. And be honest… What was your reaction when they gave you their opinion? Were you being a good friend and listening to what they were saying and having an open conversation, or did you immediately JUMP at them when they were discussing their feelings? Maybe they needed some time to warm up to the excitement. So, here is what you do… Realize that they were just social friends. Find your true friends and focus on them because they are what matters. Focus on friends that are going through what you are with an infant because those are the ones that can relate to your late night feedings, spit up on your shirt, teething… Real friends are those that WANT to hear your stories, not just head out to brunch.

Books

Daisy Jones & The Six

  • June 15, 2020

From Goodreads ~ “Everyone knows Daisy Jones & The Six: The band’s album Aurora came to define the rock ‘n’ roll era of the late seventies, and an entire generation of girls wanted to grow up to be Daisy. But no one knows the reason behind the group’s split on the night of their final concert at Chicago Stadium on July 12, 1979 . . . until now.”

Can you smell the smoke from the burning cigarette? Can you taste the sip of sweet whiskey touching your lips? You can hear each drag of the cigarette, each sip of whiskey… You can see the men crossing their arms while they lean back in their chairs, the women fidgeting by touching their hair, and each person casting their eyes downward as they admit their histories. This is a book that will take you back to when sex, drugs, and rock & roll was the reality for musicians with dreams of singing their music to the people, and getting caught up in its world.

If you have never used Audible, this is one book I highly suggest you do it with. Listening to this book, you feel as if you are watching an episode of ‘Behind The Scenes’ on VH1, with such a realness to the characters, you just sit back and listen. I would love to know how they were able to get the names they did to narrate and bring each character to life. Daisy Jones ~ Jennifer Beals (Flashdance), Billy Dunne ~ Pablo Schreiber (13 Hours, Orange Is the New Black, Den of Thieves), Graham Dunne ~ Benjamit Bratt (Miss Congeniality, Law & Order, Private Practice), Karen Karen ~ Judy Greer (13 Going on 30, The Wedding Planner), Jim Blades ~ Jonathan Davis (Korn), and soooo many other great narrators!

I loved this book so much that I plan on getting pretty in depth and adding in my answers to the book club questions. Once it is done, I’ll add the link here.

Favorite Quotes~

Let me put it this way: I’ve seen a lot of marriages where everyone is faithful and nobody is happy. ~Camila

It was a big lesson for me when I was young—being given things versus earning them. I was so used to being given things that I didn’t know how important it is for your soul to earn them. ~Daisy

That’s the one thing they don’t mention when they tell you to stay away from drugs. They don’t say, “Drugs will have you sleeping with some real jerks.” But they should. ~Daisy

Music can dig, you know? It can take a shovel to your chest and just start digging until it hits something. ~Eddie

Actually, it wasn’t that fun, it was just that I was happy. Everything seems fun when you’re happy. ~Graham

I don’t believe in soul mates anymore, and I’m not looking for anything. But if I did believe in them, I’d believe your soul mate was somebody who had all the things you didn’t, that needed all the things you had. Not somebody who’s suffering from the same stuff you are. ~Karen

She had written something that felt like I could have written it, except that I knew I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have come up with something like that. Which is what we all want from art, isn’t it? When someone pins down something that feels like it lives inside us? Take a piece of your heart out and shows it to you? ~Billy

But loving somebody isn’t perfection and good times and laughing and making love. Love is forgiveness and patience and faith and every once in a while, it’s a gut punch. That’s why it’s a dangerous thing, when you go loving the wrong person. When you love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. You have to be with someone that deserves your faith and you have to be deserving of someone else’s. It’s sacred. ~Billy

But music is never about music. It if was, we’d be writing songs about guitars. But we don’t. We write songs about women. ~Graham

I swear, I think about that day sometimes when I’m feeling low. I think about it to remind myself you never know what kind of crazy good shit is around the corner. But it’s hard not to remember, when I think about that day, that lots of crazy bad shit is often around the corner, too. ~Graham

Acceptance is a powerful drug. And I should know because I’ve done them all. ~Daisy

I wish someone had told me that love isn’t torture. Because I thought love was this thing that was supposed to tear you in two and leave you heartbroken and make your heart race in the worst way. I thought love was bombs and tears and blood. I did not know that it was supposed to make you lighter, not heavier. I didn’t know it was supposed to take only the kind of work that makes you softer. ~Daisy

All I will say is that you show up for your friends on their hardest days. And you hold their hand through the roughest parts. Life is about who is holding your hand and, I think, whose hand you commit to holding. ~Camila

You do sometimes sit and wonder why it wasn’t you, what makes you so special that you get to be safe. The world doesn’t make much sense. ~Billy

Let me tell you the sweet spot for being in rock ’n’ roll. People think it’s when you’re at the top but no. That’s what when you’ve got the pressure and the expectations. What’s good is when everybody thinks you’re headed somewhere fast, when you’re all potential. ~Warren

It hurts to care about someone more than they care about themselves. I can tell that story from both sides. ~Billy

It was such a sad love song. About wanting somebody you can’t have and knowing you’re going to want them anyway. ~Billy

It’s very vulnerable, being an artist, telling the truth like that, like we’re doing now. When you’re living your life, you’re so inside your head, you’re swirling around in your own pain, that it’s hard to see how obvious it is to the people around you. These songs I was writing felt coded and secret, but I suspect they weren’t coded and secret at all. ~Daisy

Some people will never stop being themselves. And you think it drives you crazy but it is the very thing you will think about when the are gone. When you don’t have them in your life anymore. ~Billy

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE BOOK

Book Club Questions~

The majority of these questions, I have copied from different book review websites, possibly combining questions and / or rewording.

Be honest… Did you google the band before you were finished, and if so, what did you think?

Did you listen to or read the book and what did you think of the oral history format?

What feelings did this book evoke for you?

This style of narration highlights that memory is often unreliable ~ different characters have conflicting stories or versions of events, or have reshaped their thoughts and feelings over the years. How do you feel this was most played out in the book?

Many of the characters seem to be searching for something to fill a void, and they turn to music or drugs or sex. What do you think the various characters, particularly Daisy and Billy, are looking for?

Daisy admits in the interview how shell felt for Billy. But, even all these years later, Billy can’t quite get there. He hints at it, but he always goes back to his love for Camila. Why do you think he can’t admit how he felt and possibly still feels about Daisy?

In what ways did their songwriting and actions on stage tell the truth when maybe they weren’t being honest to each other and to themselves?

How did you feel about Karen and Graham’s relationship? Did you want it to me more or did you understand where each side was coming from?

The book leads up to telling about the band’s last concert in Chicago stadium and Daisy leaving the band. How did you feel about Camila taking care of Daisy that night, telling Daisy to leave, then wishing her well?

What did you think about Billy and Camila’s relationship? Why do you think she stuck with him through it all?

Did the identity of the “author” of this book surprise you? Did it make you reconsider the story or any of the events?

We learn what everyone has been up to since the band broke up. What did you think of the addition of this information to the book and were there any surprises?

Before Camila passed away, she wrote an email to her daughters asking them to give their dad Daisy’s number? Why do you think she did this and do you think Billy will contact her?

Which character in the book would you most like to meet?

If you could hear this story from another person’s point of view, who would you choose?

Life

Courage can start with picking out new pottery

  • June 7, 2020

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend move to a new house that she bought. It’s perfect for her and that view… Oh my! The spacious back yard overlooks the bay, with plenty of room on the back deck to enjoy the water and sunrise. She was super lucky that the previous owners left window boxes with freshly planted petunias, adding to the charm from either inside or out.

Adding to the charm of her new house was her variety of plants in colorful, sometimes eclectic, pots. The back of the moving van looked similar to that of a florist making deliveries, with wandering Jews and Ivy hanging from the wood rafters, and bowls of petunias and begonias packed in tightly. All that seemed to be missing were the plastic card holders with well wishes offered.

My slightly green thumb was beginning to itch. Oh, how I missed the color of outdoor plants! They always brought a smile to my thoughts, seeing them on my porch after a long work day, as if their flowers were saying, “Welcome home!” I’d always longed for my backyard to look like what my mind had imagined while reading ‘The Secret Garden’… Filled with whimsical plants in colored pottery lining the pebble covered paths, leading to a hidden bridge that connected to a maze of wandering ivy, luscious plants, and vibrant bushes with butterflies dancing around. Sure, there were times that I would add flowers to a dirt area in my backyard, but with kids and a dog running around, they didn’t last long. And in reality, if I would have had a secret garden, I would have gotten lost in there with a book, never to be found. Would that really have been such a bad thing, come to think of it? Ha! Looking back, it could have worked. You see, when my youngest son was little, he loved to help me pick out flowers for our front porch, always trying to find the right ones that smelled good or colors he thought I would enjoy. And when it would rain, instead of getting frustrated, he would say, “The rain is watering our plants and the sun will help them grow“. But, as time went on, sports, life, and challenging schoolwork got in the way. It seemed that suddenly, planting flowers with mom lost their thrill.

But, here I am with this sudden desire to watch plants evolve in to their own shape, maybe similar to watching my kids change and grow. (Well, that was just an A-HA moment, need to make a note of that.) So, I head to the store early on this rainy Sunday morning, to wander the garden section. The peace of mindlessly walking around, smelling the herbs, and reading different labels reminded me of the long ago quiet bookstores. I selected a variety based upon full sun, mid sun, and light sun, along with annual versus perennial. Not caring for the bland selection of pots (or pricing), I headed to a discount store hoping they would have some that caught my eye. This was going to be my chance to have the courage to go for something a bit more vibrant, not just practical and sturdy. They did not disappoint!

The heat index is already pushing 90 with 85% humidity at 10:30 am and I felt the need to do this today, why? What was I thinking? Oh, that’s right… My slight green thumb was itching! But, as I found my hands in the potting soil, adding to each pot, deciding which plants should be combined or left with their own kind, that old feeling came over me as I found where each one belonged. But, this time, it felt a bit different… These plants were at home.

Just as I was feeling quite satisfied with my progress and packing up the empty containers, a text came through from my friend across the street. “I look out my window and there you are with two different color gloves!” Laughing, I replied back with, “My damn dog seems to think they are great chew toys so when the cabinet is open and she can get to one, she snags it and starts trotting off. Freaking dog!” I needed that moment to break up the moment and look up at the sky.

A summer storm was coming in, so I lined up my new plants and admired my baby steps in purchasing an array of somewhat colorful pots. They’ll spend a day soaking up some rain, reaching for the sun, before I decide where to place them. As I stood back to admire the beginning of my colorful world, I reflected on the words of my son from 10 short years ago that is more a metaphor on life than he knew at the time… “The rain is watering our plants and the sun will help them grow“.

I had some cuttings from a plant that I trimmed down that had finally grown sufficient roots. Broken super glued coffee cups and small plastic pots are the perfect place to transfer these small plants while they adjust to their new environment.
This type of pot is something that I would have never picked out before. But, I loved the look and have always admired this style when I have seen in other peoples gardens.

So, what are you waiting for? There is always going to be rain, but there will be sun, and that is when we grow. Find the courage to pick out your own pottery and let your vibrant side show! For those of you that have seen your friends admiring your plants and beautiful pottery, just remember what an excellent gift that would make for them when the time arises. Not only is it the plant and the pot it is in that they admire, it is YOU, and your courage to do what they are striving for.

Friendship

The Power of Conversation

  • June 5, 2020

Conversations vary with different people. It seems that sometimes when you talk to a friend, particularly on the phone, it is to catch up and talk about your day to day life. It is not often that you will get in to a serious conversation and really explore the depths of your silent thoughts. You may touch on a subject, but aren’t we all afraid to speak openly at times? To really say our true feelings without the fear of embarrassment or rejection? What about the intelligent conversations? Where in our life can we fully discuss things with our friends and ask questions about ourselves?

At times, there are friends that we may feel the need to pull away from, for whatever reason. It always seems that women miss talking to each other, though. Their friend could have been less than perfect in certain friendship areas (that only we women seem to understand), but we remember the conversations – we crave the conversation! It could have been nothing more than having someone to talk to about our day or discussing life with children and husbands. Sometimes we wonder if certain friendships are even worth it and do we truly trust this person. However, I think that we have to look at the friendship and decide what we get out of it. Do we get gossip? A free babysitter? Someone to occupy our time? Those may be important issues for some of us and I have learned that each friend is there for a certain reason, for only us to decide. Very rarely will we find one friend that will fulfill every need that we could possibly have.

Yet, it is our friends that give us insight in to ourselves. Not necessarily by making us question our values of how we live, but by having those heart felt conversations on marriage, child birth, divorce, death, religion …. You name it. By having intimate conversations, we are able to truly see ourselves and learn to vocalize our fears, needs and wants through others by realizing that maybe we aren’t alone in this world – that we are all going through it together. By recognizing our friends weaknesses, we will hopefully recognize our own and begin to build on those to make them in to a strength that is powerful – one that we will want to share – something to help us become better reacquainted with our life.

Where can we stimulate our minds more than by discussing life with our friends? In business, we stimulate our minds with numbers and problems where we can feel the gratification when a certain transaction is completed, filing it away as complete. Yet, in friendships, we keep building. We will go through life together and hold each others hands and talk about our experiences. Years later, we will remember that particular time in our lives, regardless if we have become acquaintances with these friends or still remain close and will know that from one conversation, we may have changed our viewpoint on a certain subject. Yet if it wasn’t completely changed, we opened our eyes just a bit to look at a different side of life. Maybe that is the challenging thing about friendships and the conversations – how to remain friends even when our opinions differ.

At times, friends give you a view in to your thoughts that you had not even stopped to realize. Then there are the times that they can hurt you with a simple comment or a reminder of a time that you would rather forget. These are the instances that we have not been completely honest with ourselves or our friends – we do not let them know how we really feel on a subject out of what? Fear? Denial? And only when they make these comments, do we realize how it hurts. If we are good at lying to ourselves, they will not notice the little cringe that tightens our heart. Then again, maybe we should ask ourselves if they are that good of friends that they didn’t realize it would truly hurt….. or maybe they intended to hurt us just to see our reaction – to catch a glimpse of our eyes flickering or our voice faltering when continuing on. Is that fair to our friend – to deny further knowing us and to understand this confusion that rests within us? Wouldn’t it be better to sit down over a cup of coffee and honestly say, “You hurt me”? Or would that put a hindering on the conversation and take away what we need the most – companionship……..

Friendship

An overwhelming love of a friend…

  • May 29, 2020May 31, 2020

It was a simple request I sent to a few people along with the link for this website…

Hello! If you have a chance, will you take a look at this and let me know what you think. It’s not done, obviously, and some “buttons” do not have links. I would really like your honest opinion about the layout, etc, anything that you think needs to be updated, etc. And if you would like to follow on fb, pinterest, or instagram, that’s cool, too. I haven’t decided yet if I want to keep my name off of it, so please don’t announce that this is me. Oh! And if looking from your phone, it may not be as “smooth” as from computer. I just need some different eyes on it, besides mine, and I’m reaching out to a few who I think would like it. Thank you!

I sent this out before heading to work and expected… Oh, I don’t know what I expected. Something. Someone to tell me that it was good… that they enjoyed how to cut a pineapple or that they like the pictures.

Sitting at work, the facetime call comes in. Have you ever had this gut reaction that this is going to be an emotional call? I did. So, I walked outside to have some privacy. I didn’t even put my sunglasses on and I always have them on outside. Somewhere in me, I knew my eyes needed to be seen by her.

And there she was… I’m not sure I would say my mentor because we don’t deal with business stuff together… I’m not even sure if friend is a strong enough word… She is the one that can read me like a book. I can look at her and put on a smile and say that I am doing great and she’ll just look at me and my truthful words will come rushing out. There is something that surrounds her… This warmth, this acceptance, this been there done that, this love, this joy… And there she was with tears coming down her face…

“Oh, honey! I knew it. There is no better gift than to witness a persons transformation.” My tears were falling as I told her that I just felt like I have so much to say and I’ve been wanting to do this for so long and the timing finally felt so right, that I haven’t felt so sure about something this strong in such a long while. She explained to me that it was my throat chakra with having so much to say and I need to say it and get it all out. Through tears, I continued to tell her that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let people know it was me yet. “God is listening and you need to stay right there. Focus on that. Keep a bubble and stay in this path.”

We ended that call with telling each other, “I love you.” I knew that she would be proud of me. I could sense that she would be the one that would totally get WHY I was doing this and would see the deeper wounds that were coming out in my writing.

I don’t often have that overwhelming sense of someone being proud in me often. Sure, family will allude to it for keeping my head afloat, but they love to remind me of things I have screwed up on. But, her words, they felt different. It was an overwhelming love that I felt surrounded by and I needed to experience that… It had been too long.

So, here I continue on this journey full of love and support. I hope that my words will make a difference in someone’s life one day the way she has made a difference in mine.

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