Good Conversation Makes Me Happy

June 6, 2023

I struggle these days with making good connections. I would say that my internet does, also, but I live in the middle of nowhere and internet is not an option. So, back to making good connections…

I would rather sit by myself in my own little world than fake a happy attitude, hence why I have been keeping myself away from people. Trust me, I understand that not all conversations are going to be happy. But, it’s the people that those conversations are with, and I was reminded of that last night.

family celebrating christmas dinner while taking selfie

Everything about the evening lined up perfectly… A nice restaurant with an amazing view, the outdoor terrace with umbrellas offering shade, a fountain to add a bit of water sound, a slight breeze to offset the warm summer air… And people that were happy to see each other, that makes quite a difference!

I don’t know if I can even remember all that was said. A few of us used to work together and since we know each other’s families, conversation was not strained. Group conversations, side conversations, laughter, lots of, “Remember when…” Greeting late comers with a hug and a “So good to see you!” and truly meaning it. We talked of kids, our careers, wondering where so and so is now, reminiscing over the workplace hell we left behind.

For a couple of hours, I was reminded that I am liked, and I really needed that. I remembered what a difference I made in the lives of others and how thankful I am that although we no longer work together, we have a bond that we can jump back in to.

With promises of we’ll do this again, group photos, and selfies taken care of, we hugged each person as we started back in to our own lives.

happy relatives meeting together on weekends

When thinking of my priorities in life, good conversation needs to be at the top. I left the event with a smile on my face knowing that these are people that I truly enjoy being with, and I value their input because they have taken the time to get to know me, as I have them. They ask questions, not just tell stories… They express warmth, not judgement. They laugh, not tell a competing story.

These are the conversations that I need in my life. The ones that make you feel invigorated afterwards. The ones that give you confidence.

The ones that make my heart happy.

Health & Spiritual

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

May 26, 2023

“If I see only my bias, I have surrendered to a single myopic lens through which to view the world.” Craig D. Lounsbrough

I had no idea where therapy was going to lead me on Day 5. I knew that I wanted to talk about my emotions, why I take things so personally, and how I could work on that.

Let me jump in and explain how I feel about emotions… My emotions are BIG. When I get sad, I cry. When I am upset, I build up resentment. When angry, I say things I shouldn’t. On the flip side of that is my happiness emotion. When I’m happy, I smile, laugh, and dance. When I love, I love with all of my heart.

So, no matter which side of the coin my emotions are on, they are big. If I show a lot of emotion when sad, you better believe I will show a lot of emotion when happy. And I love being happy!

We talked about different things in the last week and a half, including conversations with family, and my reaction to different things lately.

I play “devil’s advocate” often when talking with people. Not in a rude way, just discussing “what if” and thinking things through. While I am trying to get back in to a positive mind set, I failed to do that when I sent out Mother’s Day cards, not thinking that anyone would react anyway except positive.

You see, I am a card person and my goal this year was to send out more cards. I think that mailboxes are too full of junk and cards make people smile. I have a box of blank birthday cards and a box of blank note cards. For Mother’s Day, I ordered a box of 20 blank cards and decided that I would send them out to friends and family, to not only wish them Happy Mother’s Day but to spread a bit of happiness. I heard from quite a few that thanked me for the card and I remembered how giving is more rewarding than receiving and I felt happy. I felt like I was getting back to the positive version of me.

Until I heard from one person that was not happy about receiving a card from me. In that instance, all the happiness I felt was wiped away.

happy mothers day card beside pen macaroons flowers and box near coffee cup with saucer

When you sent the cards, what reactions were you expecting?

I don’t know. Nothing bad.

Did you think of it from her point of view and how she would feel getting a card from someone she didn’t like too well?

No, I thought of it as doing something nice, and also partially extending an olive branch.

What would you have done if you received a card from someone you didn’t like very much?

It depends. I would have either tossed it aside and said WTF or sat on it for a bit and maybe reached out if I felt like the relationship was worth repairing.

What would you have said if you were the one reaching out?

I would have said thank you and asked how they were doing.

You wouldn’t have acknowledged the argument?

Nope. I don’t like confrontation. At some point, you have to extend warmth to the person and move on.

But, not everyone thinks like you. Everyone reacts differently and you need to not have myopic vision.

Myopic Vision – Myopia… Nearsightedness. You can see things close, but not far away.

Have you ever worked to build anything?

Yes, my ceiling fan about 5 years ago. I wanted one in my bedroom and a friend of mine at the time took the ceiling light down but couldn’t figure out how to put the fan up.

How did you go about doing it and how long did it take?

I watched a lot of youtube videos. A co-worker of mine, he had put several up before and he gave me some pointers on what to expect. He even took his down at home to take a picture of the inside of the ceiling. After a couple of weeks as I felt better prepared, I shut the power off and spent a couple hours doing it myself.

How did you feel when it was done?

Great. Empowered. Confident because I worked so hard to put it together and I was proud of myself.

So, why should you or another person feel better instantly if just putting up a simple ceiling fan took a couple weeks?

woman in white long sleeve holding wooden paint brush

And that is when I just stared in to the oblivion thinking, “She has a point.” If I had to prepare myself with knowledge and confidence before putting up a ceiling fan, why would I think that relationship problems could be solved instantly.

It was rather enlightening and while I sit on this a bit longer and continue to put it all together, I would just like to remind you (and myself) to keep an eye out on the bigger picture. Relationship issues do not affect JUST YOU. They can affect an office full of co-workers, your marriage, family dynamics… Before reacting to something, stop and think about how this will affect everything further out, not just right in front of you.

Life

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

May 12, 2023

Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.

The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”

We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.

I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.

Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.

“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”

“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”

“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”

“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”

“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”

I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”

Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.

While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.

However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.

woman in gray jacket and white skirt standing on stairs

So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.

Life

Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle

May 9, 2023

Last week’s therapy session was insightful, and thankfully, not overly emotional. For years, I had the mindset of, “I’m good, but not good enough” and could trace it back to elementary school. The therapist and I dug a bit deeper and did determine how it came about, and a major one hit me pretty hard. While I understand that it was never intentional, it gave me a deeper understanding of how words and actions can have a lifelong impact on someone.

Something that we did discuss was quite interesting, my lack of speaking up for what I want. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s, and it was seen as selfish to speak up and say, “This is what I want.” However, what I realize now is that I should have spoken up for what I did “need”.

My father used to have a funny saying, “Shit in one hand, want in the other. See which one fills up faster.”

As a child, I would always think, “I have a lot of wants, so that doesn’t make sense.” Trust me, I totally get where he is coming from, and I am sure that I may have used that phrase on my own kids from time to time. What I am realizing now, there is a difference between wants and needs.

Of course I wanted the cool Trapper Keeper binder that all the other kids had. But, I also needed reassurance, hugs, unconditional love, positive words, a place where I could feel like I belong and was accepted. I am not saying that I wasn’t given those things in some degrees. I’m expressing the difference between wants and needs.

In elementary, I generally had all A’s. B’s would pop in here and there, usually in Science and P.E. But, Spelling and Language Arts, those were my favorites. We had smart kids that left our class once a week to go to GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and yes, there was a bit of jealousy from all of us that wanted to be them. Every year in 4th, 5th, and 6th, I tested for this program, sure that I would soon be among my people.

young girl wearing white long sleeve shirt sitting on table

Each year, I was told that I was good, but not good enough.

Back to the speaking up… 7th grade volleyball… I had never played volleyball before but upon entering Junior High, this was part of P.E. and I loved it. Bump, set, spike. I was working on perfecting my bump and knew that both forearms should be used, how to angle my arms to make the ball go a certain way. Set… When done correctly, the ball feels as light as a feather when it touches your fingertips, to be pushed back up to the person ready to spike. Spiking is where I wasn’t very good. But, most of us at that time were still learning as it was a new sport introduced to our grade.

As volleyball season approached, I was encouraged to try out for the team. I gave it my all and I loved it. Feeling like part of a team and the camaraderie that was built… It felt right. I needed a group of girls that believed and encouraged me. As we grew closer to the announcing of the team, girls were eliminated, but I still stood. My confidence grew. Maybe I am good enough.

We were down to the final two that would be eliminated. The last practice, I pushed myself harder than I had ever worked for anything, hoping I was good enough to make the team. I wasn’t.

Next year, it was the same thing, but I was better prepared for it in my mind, because I was becoming an expert at not being good enough.

This is where the therapist comes in…

Why didn’t you make it?

I don’t know.

You didn’t ask?

No.

Then how would you know what to get better at?

(Blank stare)

What did you think about after you didn’t make it?

They had a near perfect season. I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have done as well, so it was better that I wasn’t on it.

In high school, my first P.E. teacher was the volleyball coach. While doing drills, she said to me, “I better see you trying out for the volleyball team.” That phrase made me feel like I had someone on my side and I wanted her approval. Ms. K was loved by everyone and she made sure to give kids tough love, but in a supportive way. I knew that I needed her. But, when volleyball tryouts came around, I went to the first couple of practices. After watching those around me, I made up an excuse to Ms. K on why I couldn’t try out and moved on. What I didn’t tell her was that I felt that I would never be as good as those other girls and could not face disappointment like that again, after working so hard to prove myself. One of the great things the next year in school, Ms. K gave her approval for me to have 7th period P.E., which was advanced volleyball.

You were only in that class if you were on any of the volleyball teams, or had serious potential. I was covered in bruises and my forearms were rock hard. I loved feeling like part of a team and for one period a school day, I was.

I never tried out for volleyball in high school, much to the dismay of the coach. They had a great season, and I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have.

However, I did try out for cheerleading. In freshman year, one of my bestfriends was a cheerleader. Since every little girl grows up thinking that cheerleading is for the elite special people, of course we all wanted to be cheerleaders. So, with the help of my bestfriend, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. Herkies, Toe Touch, Tuck Jump, Side and Front Hurdler… Back then, we didn’t have cell phones so we used the reflection from the sliding glass door to perfect our techniques.

Do you know what I wasn’t good at? Fake excitement. I did great in the group tryouts, the written test, you name it. But, when it came time for me to stand in front of the judges and perform by myself and get “excited” about a game that I could not see, I couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to show excitement.

I would not have thought that such minor issues from my school days would still have an effect on me. But, they helped to set a pattern on the way I view the world. Unfortunately, when I am not accepted by someone, I revert to the thinking, “I am not good enough.” There are other issues in life that led to this but these experiences stand out, and I’m not willing to talk about those.

woman walking with bicycle on ground road

It’s time to get off the bicycle, don’t you think?

What do you mean?

You are cycling the same words to yourself, that you are not good enough. You are.

Life

Masculine Energy in Women

April 27, 2023

Based on that title, you are probably thinking, “Whaaaaaaat?”

I totally get that. A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’ and thought it sounded intriguing, only to move on with my life and not give it a second thought. Until, a few days later while listening to a podcast about ‘The Office’… Melora Hardin who plays Jan Levinson (Gould), was asked why her and Steve Carrell (Michael Scott) had this weird chemistry and why did she think that Jan was attracted to Michael.

Melora explained how Jan was very independent, focusing on her career and climbing the corporate ladder. With Michael, she could let down her masculine energy and just be more feminine.

I am a huge fan of ‘The Office’ and while the Michael and Jan storyline was always fun to see, her explanation made sense. Plus, with it being the second time in a week that I had heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’, I figured it was the universe’s way of telling me to look in to this.

So, I did. And it was a lightbulb moment, or as Oprah likes to say, it was an “Ah-ha!” moment.

Do you relate to any of these below?

Woman with too much masculine energy in love relationships:

Difficulty expressing yourself
Come off as aggressive, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling
Always in charge of arranging dates, making plans with others
Giving unwanted advice
Telling men that you don’t need their help
Trying to portray extreme independence
Problems with intimacy (receiving pleasure)

I have been single for a very long time, and I have learned how to take care of myself. Yay for the independence, right? I also have a tendency to tell men when they try and do things for me, “Shockingly, I have survived the majority of my life without you.” When I say this, I am not trying to come across as rude, I am wanting to make sure they are aware that I am not one of those needy women and I will take care of myself.

But, here’s a secret, I’m tired of trying to be so self sufficient.

troubled young woman near broken automobile in countryside during car accident

Woman with too much masculine energy in relationship with herself:

Disconnected from your emotions
Self-worth based on outside factors – material success, other people opinions
Overly self-critical
Always planning and organizing
Masculine body movements, posture, walk

I was honestly a bit surprised that “always planning and organizing” fell under a masculine trait. Then I started looking inward and realized that I have been the planner for so long that I am nervous when others do it. It’s not that I feel the need to be in charge, it’s just that if no one else is going to step up, I will get it figured out and done.

Another secret, I’m tired of always being the one to plan.

Woman with too much masculine energy in friendships:

Not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with feelings
Afraid of building deep connections
Appearing aloof, cold
Trying to impress, coming off as bragging
Difficulty with close physical affection

Some people will say that I have no problem with sharing my feelings and in some instances, that is true. I am an open book on some aspects. However, when it comes to my complete true feelings, I am not comfortable with sharing my vulnerability. Why? You will use all of that against me in due time, when you are tired of being friends with me. So, it’s easier to put on the persona of being “tough” and then I don’t have to worry about whether our friendship will last or not.

Third secret… I love nothing more than genuine conversation that involves being open, learning about another person, and creating a connection.

So, here we are wondering WHY a woman may experience too much masculine energy.

Having a mother or other female role model with too much masculine energy – Maybe you grew up with a mom that had to make all of the decisions at home while being the disciplinarian. If this is you, you grew up thinking this was normal.

Experience abuse or violence as a woman – Of course we are going to put on our protective armor now.

Living in a society that values and rewards masculine traits more than feminine ones – I lived in the South for over 20 years and surrounded by the military. Men = Respect. Women = There to take care of their man.

Taking on too many masculine roles in order to survive (e.g., being the breadwinner, single parent, taking care of others) – As a single mom without family near, I took care of myself and my children. There wasn’t anyone to take care of me. I had to set my feelings aside more often than not. If I hadn’t, I don’t know how I would have made it through life.

Time and again, a woman will exude masculine energy as a defense mechanism. Being raised in a dysfunctional home, experiencing childhood trauma, or feeling abandoned may cause women to put on the masculine energy shield like a medieval night puts on his armor… To protect our hearts.

Although masculine energy may appear as positive attributes such as being driven, hardworking, and independent, when it becomes our default way of thinking, we deny ourselves the proper care, soul nurturing, compassion and true connections that we crave. When we deny ourselves what our souls desire, we can become quite harsh and unyielding, as we protect ourselves too much.

If you related to any of this like I did, the lightbulb in your head is probably flashing and you are nodding your head in agreement. This is where you get to do your own searching as your journey is unique to you.

For myself, I started with a simple change…

I spoke up and told the man in my life that he needs to make more decisions for the week. This was suggested to me by a friend and it is two-fold – He gets to be the “man” in the relationship and I lessen my worries of disappointing another with my decision. I am one of the lucky ones that happens to have a man that is very easy going. While it is truly a blessing, there are a lot of times that I am the one stuck with making the decisions because he is okay with whatever I decide (within reason). Many women would prefer to be the decision makers, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.

If you are tired of always having to put on a tough exterior to show the world you are okay, it is okay to finally take your mask off. Be you. Find the person inside of you that you forgot about… Nurture her… Be your true self. As women, we shouldn’t have to act like men to accomplish what we want. There is power in being feminine. Be you!

Friendship

Gossip… It’s time to grow out of it.

March 28, 2023

I’ll be the first to admit that I knew “all” of the gossip at one time in my life. In high school, one of my teachers remarked that I seemed to know people were pregnant pretty quick. I laughed and told the teacher that I know a lot of things and in a joking manner, said, “I probably know they’re pregnant before they do.”

Time went on and I always knew that BIG things should be kept out of gossip. Yes, I know that sounds contradictory to what I explained about high school and I learned that teen pregnancy is a pretty huge deal and I should have kept my mouth shut. I grew out of it, thankfully. However, I’m noticing that some adult women STILL HAVE NOT. Because of that, in the past two years, I have taken my inner circle down so far that people wonder why I do not want to make friends.

Example #1 – A few years ago, while sitting around with several women, two women talked incessantly about another woman who wasn’t there. They acted like they were whispering, but a half dozen of us could clearly hear. Of course others started asking questions and I understood the phrase people use about cackling hens.

I already wasn’t a fan of Woman #1 anyways, but then as I sat back and listened, her only conversation topics were about other people, and she loved the attention. Woman #2 was almost just as bad, but I thought I could trust her more.

young stylish ladies gossiping and drinking coffee in cafe

A friend of both of these women asked why I didn’t like Woman #1. I flat out said, “She talks too much sh*t and needs to keep her mouth shut.”

Woman #2 and I grew a bit closer and in what I thought was in confidence, I expressed concern for a mutual acquaintance because of some Facebook posts I had seen. I had thoroughly enjoyed our mutual acquaintance and we always had great conversations when around each other – parenting, work, movies, single life; conversations that I would have liked to develop in to a friendship. However, I am sure that my concern was sent back to her because shortly after that, I noticed a difference when we were around each other. What did that tell me? That Woman #2 was just as bad as Woman #1. You see, I thought that Woman #2 and I were close and that we could actually talk openly with each other. I should have known that gossip is her conversation starter so instead of thinking about my concern, she shared it.

Example #2 – I started a new job almost 5 months ago and I absolutely love it. I work with four other women and we mainly all get along. Part of me would say that it’s because we are near the same age and that our maturity level is higher than women in their mid-20’s. The other part of me realizes that we all have things in common – Three out of five have been through a divorce and have all been single mom’s; Three out of five have been cheated on by their spouse. We all have kids. We have all been in our respective careers for over twenty years. We respect each other.

We collectively decided that a Happy Hour once a month would be a blast! The first time was fun and the conversation was great. Flash forward to the second one…

woman serving drinks on women sitting inside an establishment

Theresa begins to tell us about a well-known person in the area and the illegitimate child he fathered several years ago.

For some reason, this struck a nerve with me as she kept telling us stories about this man and the child, that she had heard from a friend of a friend of the mother’s. At first, we were all listening with intrigue. But, at some point while watching her, it started to bother me as she went too far and began theorizing about this or that. She was gossiping! And possibly lying! As I began to tune her out, I thought back to all of our conversations and began to realize that those were also gossip, “filling me in” about my fellow co-workers. Not to mention, her conversation starters are always about one of her son’s and his constant arguments with his baby mama… She thrives on the attention of her stories!

I’ve always known of this saying about gossip and never truly understood until I got older –

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

Then there is the one that people post on Facebook and always seem to think is funny –

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.”

two women lying down on white bed while looking at each other

Here is my problem each time I see that quote… While we might laugh and talk about people, at what point are you going to take what I say and relay that to others? No, thank you.

I know I made mistakes in my life by sharing gossip about others. Here’s where I am at in my life… I tell my mother things and my man. That is about it. If you know that I spent time with someone and you ask me a nosey question about them, I know what you’re getting at, especially if you are the gossipy type. I don’t want my life to be surrounded by talking about people. Let’s have in-depth conversations, get to know each other, UNDERSTAND each other.

Because I will be the first to tell you that I know that I have been gossiped about. In fact, I have good friends that have said things about me. I’m aware of it. They’re not as much in the good friends category as they would like to think though. Do you know who I respect? The people that hear it and stop it. Not only that, but the people that ask me the truth. Because gossip is attention getting. The real story isn’t as thrilling as you would think.

Friendship

Dear Sherrill

March 17, 2023

I found out this week that you passed away a couple of years ago and so many memories went through my mind…

We began working together in 1998, maybe 1999, and we immediately clicked. You were only a few years older than me and had served four years in the Air Force and then went in to the Reserves. Raised in South Florida (my husband at the time was from there) and you had been stationed in California when Active Duty (where I’m from), so that immediately bonded us. Not to mention, we shared the same middle name. Things that seem trivial, but when you’re in your young 20’s, you grasp on to anything.

Our conversations at work were always so completely open and we talked about anything and everything…

Sometimes deep thoughts, funny gossip about other people, sometimes about our struggles growing up, my married life, your single life, what we thought the future held for us. On one Friday night every month, our department all went to dinner, then a nightclub, and our friendship felt like it had always been there as we danced without a care in the world while drinking and laughing. Your code at work was 976 so we often laughed and said, 976 BABE (from Pretty Woman) or call you “Sha-rell”, a play on the spelling of your name which is actually pronounced Cheryl.

A conversation that always stood out to me and always lingered through your life, was your mother struggling with deep depression. I believe she took her own life at some point before we met, and you were aware that you had also been afflicted with this disease, but felt you could keep ahold of it. Often, I would see you staring off, focusing on nothing. You needed reassurance in life that you were loved, and you gave love in return, never judging.

You fell in love with Derek, who also worked with us, but his feelings were not reciprocated. Somewhere in your heart, you knew this, but you were convinced he would, if only… I remember you thinking that he would now fall in love with you. He didn’t. Yet, you would still go to him when he asked… Sometimes returning full of hope, sometimes with heartbreak.

You glowed while pregnant and all of us, except Derek, did everything we could to keep you upbeat. Not only were you struggling with being single and having a child without support from the father, but you were having a bi-racial child, and your own father was having a hard time accepting that. At work with over 100 employees, most knew who the father was and you felt judged. But, we became your support team, standing up to others, making you feel safe.

Finally, that sweet baby boy came along and you finally knew the true meaning of love.

cute little baby drinking milk from bottle

Some would say you struggled with post partum depression. Those close to you knew that you were struggling with not being loved by Derek or he accepting his child. We stepped in and did our best to make sure that child felt so much love. If you needed a babysitter, one of us would step in. My husband at the time often watched him on the weekends if you were working or had Reserves. I loved holding your baby and spoiling him the way we do other people’s kids.

Maybe a year or so later, you moved to the outskirts of Chicago to live with a friend, hoping to start fresh and not have a constant reminder of Derek not loving your newly created family. We talked almost every day and I could still hear the sadness in your voice. Being in a new place is lonely, especially when you do not have confidence in yourself. You and the baby stayed sheltered in your room, not wanting to cause a disturbance to your roommate. Slowly, the loneliness took a bigger hold and you attempted to take your own life. God wasn’t ready for you yet and when your phone rang, you answered. Immediately, the angel on the phone knew something was wrong and called 911.

A few weeks later, your angel suggested you move to Oklahoma to be near him, so he could be there for you and the baby. This man loved you so very much, always had, and although you loved him as a very dear friend, you were wanting the fireworks you had felt with Derek. Yet, he was still there for you. He would keep the baby overnight, have dinner ready for the three of you, join on walks to the park, watch cheesy tv shows with you, hold you when you cried, celebrate raises at work… Everything you wanted out of Derek.

You and the baby came back for a quick visit to see family and hopefully for Derek’s acceptance. I was no longer married, but was going through my own struggles of being a single pregnant mom. Being around you again, it didn’t feel like any time had lapsed, but that sweet baby was now around 3 and was such a good kid. Yet, we both knew that something was still missing from your life.

After the two of you headed back to Oklahoma, we still kept in touch but the phone calls seemed to become more sporadic and I often received your voicemail, with no return phone call.

I had your angel’s phone number and would check in with him to see if you were okay. He assured me that you were but that you still struggled.

Time went on and the phone calls stopped. On occasion, I would google your name and you were still in Oklahoma. I found an email address for you and sent one letting you know what was going on in my life, but there was no reply. When Facebook came around, I found you and sent a friend request that went unanswered. Four years later, I sent a Facebook message saying, “I found you. Yay! Call me. Here’s my number.” Of course I stalked what I could see on your page and that baby was now a teenager, active in sports. You still looked the same with your auburn hair color and lots of black eyeliner.

To this day, each time I hear the song, “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden, I think of you. That was your song to Derek and you had even left the lyrics for him to find on his pillow case. Through the years, I would say a quiet prayer for you when the song played and wonder how you were doing. I gave up trying to reach out or google you, figuring that if you had the urge to talk, you would find me. I also knew that I was a reminder of your past, and sometimes, it is better to walk away from those people.

This week while looking through Facebook messages, I went to the Spam folder. I do this periodically to see if there is anything I missed. I laughed while I kept scrolling because there were messages from fake accounts asking if I would care for a chat, a wave emoji, and one even told me that I had beautiful feet. Then I saw the message that I sent you on November 13th, 2013, unread. I clicked on the view profile button, and I was informed that your profile wasn’t visible. Of course I was saddened that you would block me, but I also remember that you probably had to do it to escape your past, and I understood. If we had been able to talk, we would have talked about the past. When we are trying to create a new life for ourselves, talking about painful memories can take us down a hole that we may have a hard time crawling out of.

I typed your name in to Google and saw that you were listed as an Administrative Executive on LinkedIn in Wyoming of all places. LinkedIn showed that you hadn’t posted in awhile, which isn’t uncommon for most people. Back to Google and now adding in Wyoming. Up pops an announcement from a funeral home. You passed away on August 20th, 2021. No, this cannot be you. There wasn’t a full obituary so I was unable to confirm it was you, so I still had hopeful doubt. However, under the guestbook, there was one entry and it was from your angel.

“Sherrill, As you close your eyes in rest, may all your pain and troubles be lost forever. May you find paradises and a world of eternal life…May your soul Rest In Peace!”

He sent prayers to your son and your brother, with their names mentioned. That is when I knew it was you…

My focus became determining what happened in those missing years. In 2018, you fell in love with a man that served in the Army for 3 years, and became engaged. His obituary from September 23rd, 2019 tells the love story of you falling in love with his rugged good looks and his intelligence. It goes on to say that you two were looking forward to marrying and spending the rest of your lives together, and that he loved you fiercely, carrying that in your heart and soul forever. I’m not sure how or why he passed away, but that you were by his side. You carried that love for two days shy of 23 months. Grieving with a broken heart is hard to do for even the average person, but for you, your heart could not be fixed.

Sherrill, I looked up your son on Facebook. He looks like you. His profile picture shows him smiling with his arms around a young lady. He’s in the Army. I messaged your angel and your son through Messenger immediately upon seeing your announcement and although I do not expect them to find my words anytime soon, maybe one day, they will come across it when they need it. I also found a photo of you and your fiance standing in front of Mount Rushmore. He’s staring at the camera, while you are resting your head on his shoulder looking off. You hadn’t changed in all those years.

I cannot imagine the struggles you went through in life, that you felt you needed to fight on your own. And although you only had a year with the love of your life, I am happy that you were able to experience someone that loved you for you. I know that the loss was overwhelming and I wish that you had been strong enough to see your son start a family of his own, I understand that you felt this was your only option.

I will continue to remember you each time I hear the numbers 976 or the song by Savage Garden. I’m sorry that you struggled. I’m sorry that we didn’t keep in touch. I’m sorry that you felt this was the way out. I’m sorry that you didn’t know the impact you made on others. Thank you for being my friend all those years ago.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support. https://988lifeline.org/

Life

I Miss ME

October 27, 2022

Recently, I told my mom that I miss me. I miss who I used to be over a year ago. I miss walking on trails, having time to myself, reading good books, writing down my thoughts, eat healthier, and a good night sleep. At the time, I blamed it on my relationship. But, something I have realized in the past few weeks is that it is not because of my relationship, it is because of my job. And, I have let my job reflect on my relationships. Yes, plural.

That stops today!

I want to be me again. I want to get back on the trails with my dog (did so last week), have time to myself (right now), read good books (need to choose one from the stack), write down my thoughts (here I am), eat healthier (going shopping later), and get a good night sleep (that will come).

I wanted to be someone, and I thought that climbing the career ladder is what it would take to prove myself. What I proved is that I can work 10 to 12 hours a day, wake up at 4am stressed thinking about work, answer messages at all hours of the night, weekend, and vacation. I also proved that I can be so exhausted and not have time to culture friendships because all I thought about was work.

Today, I choose me. I choose to be loyal to myself and find me again. I want to see happiness on my face and share those moments with those I love.

close up shot of scrabble tiles on a white surface — Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

Health & Spiritual

How a pill organizer made me feel old…

May 11, 2021

I have a Sunday morning routine that is a MUST, and it is my weekly reminder that I am getting older… I fill my weekly pill container. In my 20’s and 30’s, the only thing I was concerned with taking on a daily basis at the same time every day was my birth control. Now that menopause has visited, that is no longer a concern, but if I don’t have my daily dose of Potassium, my hands cramp up. It is what it is, I guess…

In my early 40’s while still popping birth control like candy, my blood test came back showing I was low on Vitamin D. While already taking Blood Pressure pills, it wasn’t that big of a deal to open those bottles. Then life would get busy and I would wonder if I had taken my daily dose before or after making coffee. Birth control packaging is awesome with the days listed, because let’s be honest, I would rather of had a stroke than an accidental pregnancy at that age. (If you are getting offended at that, you’ve never been in that situation.) But now I have to take Vitamin D on a daily basis?!? Come to find out, Vitamin D is basically a sunshine pill… Studies have shown that most people are low and can benefit. I personally think it helps with my mood, but it is known to help with absorption of calcium and since I don’t drink milk, I need all the help I can get. There are also so many other health benefits and easy on the stomach.

Slowly, I was accumulating a row of pill bottles… Birth Control, two different Blood Pressure pills, and Vitamin D. Allergy meds and Ibuprofen were kept elsewhere because surely I didn’t need them that often. And then, allergy season arrived and I had a massive asthma attack that landed me in the hospital, so my Zyrtec and Ibuprofen became a part of my daily routine. By then, the birth control was gone thanks to early menopause, but trying to figure out all of these meds and when to take them (and did I take them) became frustrating.

While researching asthma and what vitamins can help, I came across Magnesium and it is almost like a wonder drug! Since asthma is all about inflammation, magnesium helps to reduce that. It also helps with depression, aids in sleep, and several people in my weight loss support group swear that it helps with fighting constipation. CHECK! Magnesium has also been added.

Zinc was also something I kept on hand and if I felt like a cold was coming on, I would start taking. I learned about this years ago from a co-worker that swore by it. I know that some will say that it is an old wives tale, but if something works, I’m going to go with it. Each time I was sick or my kids, zinc was added to the cold meds handed out. I finally decided that I would add this to my daily regimen because the last thing I wanted was a chest cold while being asthmatic. To all of those that thought I was crazy, tell me why zinc was in high demand when Covid started becoming an issue… Through the years when I have caught a cold, it is always after I have been out of zinc for a week or so. So, yes… I truly believe in zinc.

A few years ago, I noticed that my hands would cramp up for no apparent reason. My thumb and my index finger would almost touch and stay in that position for no apparent reason. Not to mention charley horses randomly through the night that would cause words to come out of my mouth that would make any sailor proud! One day I had a flashback to being out at Crab Island and my feet cramping uncontrollably and all I could do was bury push them down in the sand until they would relax. It then became a “tradition” to have a banana prior to heading out on to the boat for the day. Wait! Don’t they sell pickles at the ball fields for players to eat? Yes! Because of potassium and to help prevent cramping. Guess what… Potassium was now added to my basket of meds.

Then a bit of deja vu… I saw all of the pill bottles that my grandparents had sitting on their pink tiled bathroom counter… (I used to think that was the ugliest bathroom and now that brings back so many memories.) I wasn’t ready to be that old. I didn’t want to feel old. I didn’t want to need meds, vitamins, preventative care, maintenance care. But, here I was. There I was in Walmart and it’s as if lights started flashing above the medical supply aisle… Not only did they have weekly rows in different colors, they had a weekly AM / PM pill box!!!! (Angels singing)

So, here I am filling my weekly pill bottles feeling old… Something I had to learn while taking these meds, when to take them. Since magnesium can also aid in sleeping, I take that at night. Also, zinc needs to be taken with a meal or it can bother your stomach, so I take that at night. Basically, my “minerals” which includes potassium, are taken around the time I eat dinner. I have found that taking allergy pills and Aleve in the morning and night, helps to reduce my allergies which is a blessing to my asthma.

Why am I sharing all of this boring information? We’re getting older… It is okay to have these conversations with friends, but sometimes we might feel embarrassed to share that we take a pro-biotic to help with stomach issues. Funny how we will discuss this in an online forum with strangers but we don’t share with our friends or family how we take care of ourselves. Find the combination that works for you and get started on taking care of yourself!

I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be one on tv. If you have any questions about meds, please talk to your own health care provider and do your own research.

Holidays

Planning My Own Birthday Party

March 11, 2021

I’ll be honest… I have a problem celebrating my birthday. It is not due to my age, nor that I am single, or that my family is across the other side of the country. And if you ask me what I want to do for my birthday, I will tell you different ideas and it sounds like we’re all going to have a lot of fun, until the month of my birthday starts. Unfortunately, since my big day is towards the end, I literally have over three weeks to make myself miserable, cancel your plans, and cry.

Why do I dislike celebrating my birthday? Because through the years, I have listened to people talk about the obligation of having to celebrate someone else. When I hear someone grumble about having to go to dinner for a family member’s big day or the hassle of putting together a luncheon for a co-worker, I wonder if that is what is said about me. As I type these words, my heart is pounding and I can feel anxiety forming.

Yet, I love to celebrate other people’s birthdays! To me, it is the one day out of the year that YOU get to feel special. (In the interest of preventing an argument, you should always feel special). On your birthday, if you want to wear a tiara and a sash, I say GO FOR IT! But, there will always be the people that roll their eyes or make snide remarks when a girl walks in with a smile on her face excitedly saying, “It’s my birthday!” I am standing up for them right now and telling you to back off. Let these women have their moments! You do not know what they are going through. This may be the one day of the year that they have decided to set all of their life stresses aside and they just want to relax and enjoy their special day.

Birthdays mean different things to different people – it could be the fact that they are grateful for where they are in life, perhaps it is a reminder of another year that has beaten their self esteem down, some may be thankful that this is a time when all of the family gathers together. I say all of this to get to my point… Sometimes, you have to plan your own birthday party. I am not meaning in the selfish, “No one ever does it how I want it” kind of way, either. Just follow with my thought process and keep and open mind, please.

I’ve recently found the TV Show Blue Bloods on ION tv, and am now a huge fan of the Reagan family with their strong loyalty to each other. In an episode that I watched, Frank Reagan (played by Tom Selleck) has a birthday coming up and it is well known that he has an issue with people acknowledging it, so he asks his father if there was something from his childhood that happened to perhaps make him feel this way.

I want to add some insight right here… The part where he asked his dad such an insightful question, touched me quite a bit, because it showed his vulnerable side. I understand that this is a tv show, but whichever writer came up with that wording, BRILLIANT! I say this because sometimes in large families, children are made fun of on their birthdays, without adults realizing it. Kids ask when they can open their gifts, they open them too fast or too slow, they don’t say thank you long enough, they look embarrassed when people are singing happy birthday, they don’t look overly excited for the clothes…. Let me explain something right here. When kids go to another kids birthday party, one of their favorite things is watching their friends open gifts and seeing all of the cool toys! So, when it’s their own party, imagine the elation at being the one that gets to create this moment for the group of kids waiting to see new toys. Nine-year-old’s are still trying to figure out how to control their excitement so they may not run straight over to you to saying thank you, while the paper is still taped to the box. And honestly, what kid wants clothes except for teenage girls? Not to mention, the worst thing you can do to a person that gets super uncomfortable being in the spotlight (who’s hand is raised here?) is have 20 people sing happy birthday while staring straight at you. That being said, those issues that arise on a child’s birthday when they are chastised for their behavior, particularly in front of others, can carry over in to adulthood, especially when they do not learn how to deal with their own feelings.

Back to Frank Reagan… Through conversation with his dad, he realized that it stemmed from his 9th birthday party, when his dad had bought tickets for all of the boys in his class to go and watch a baseball game. Unfortunately, dad gave the parents the wrong date and none of his friends showed. “Son, this was back before cell phone.” Imagine this 9 year old child thinking that no one wanted to celebrate him… In “current times” on Blue Bloods, after Police Commissioner Reagan’s family sings happy birthday to him and he blows out the candles, he announces that he rented a van and they are all headed to a baseball game. The thrill on everyone’s face was pure joy! One of his children, while smiling, said, “Who plans their own surprise birthday?”, to which he replied, “I did.” I watched this unfold and thought, “THAT IS BRILLIANT!”

Let me explain why… For those of us that get anxious about our birthdays and feel guilt about people being “forced” to celebrate it, we try to plan something that we know people will enjoy. Why? Because we truly appreciate seeing the excitement on other peoples faces, and it takes the stress off so we don’t have to be the center of attention.

If it is my birthday and I tell you that I want to make dinner for YOU, please let me. I don’t want brunch with 15 people and listen to mindless chatter… I would rather have brunch with one or two others and have great conversation. Because it is the one day of the year that I want to set aside my worries, allow myself to be carefree, and not be told that I am selfish for truly enjoying ONE day of the year. The best gift you can give me is to let me say thank you to you for being there for me. Let me show my love for you, and you graciously accept.

If at any time while reading this, you felt like I was speaking directly to you, please go straight to the website’s home page and read my personal disclaimer.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

My favorite articles