feelings – Swimming With The Rain

I Miss Writing…

December 25, 2020

I haven’t written in awhile. It’s been over four months and I have wanted to sit and put words down, but I haven’t.

I keep a running list of subjects, and I add to from time to time, or read through, looking for inspiration. Ideas come to me in a conversation, a lot of times while listening to podcasts, or maybe just observing the interactions of people…

When going through heartbreak, knowing this day will end. Time keeps moving.
Reading article about George returning to Grey’s and his husband told him that sometimes, closure is shutting a door and sometimes its revisiting a familiar room and finding what brought you joy.
The upside of arguing
Watching Steve Harvey video – if God was done with you, you wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
When all the pillars of your identity vanish – no longer having kids in the house.
Hold on to me because I’m a little unsteady.
If you want to completely paralyze an easily paralyzed person, push push push. Don’t. Instead, tell them “I know you’ve got this and I’ve got your back.”
Not thanking kids when they do their chores because it’s their job is teaching them to not be thankful for a spouse working and helping to provide.
Forward the character 5%.
Seeing your kids showing their own individuality, becoming their own person.
When we don’t value ourselves, we overly focus on other things to give us a sense of purpose.
Quit putting JUST in front of your name. You are not JUST a wife, JUST a receptionist, JUST a mom…

Having not looked at my website since August (but thinking of it every day), I went to it when a family friend asked for the link. Little does she know, she gave me a gift. I looked at my creation and realized how much I missed touching my keyboard and letting my mind wander, as I would find ways to express the words I was holding in. I began to read each post and was taken back, feeling lost in the moments of a different life. A sense of satisfaction and clarity started to seep in as I remembered what it was like to combine words to bring clarity to my thoughts. Satisfaction would come from creating words and integrating photos until I found just the right combination of each. Previewing the draft countless times, editing the small details, ensuring I had what I needed. But, the clarity… That was the special part. Because even if I was just writing about a movie, I always felt like I learned something about myself. My eyes were lifted and sometimes, that meant my heart was opened just a bit more.

Maybe that is why I haven’t written lately… I’ve been afraid of letting my heart open back up. In the last five months, I have been working on starting a new life and have only been focused on what is in front of me, adjusting to a new way of doing things. If I write, I might realize things what I don’t want to admit. Oh, let’s be honest… I realize quite a bit, I just don’t want to say them out loud. Because once things are written down, it’s been admitted and I have to take ownership. Friends I let down, men that used me, co-workers that made me feel inferior, friends that let me down…

There. That was it right there. The moment of clarity. I guess it’s time to edit so I will feel that brief euphoria of satisfaction. Then I need to work on acknowledging some things and continue to develop my words.

All me

Reflecting on 2018…

July 11, 2020

As I was going through the notes section on my phone, I came across this and thought it was filled with so many reminders about life and things I still aspire to. Maybe it will inspire you, too.

2018 is coming to a close. I have chosen to be thankful that I am still alive after a severe asthma attack and I’m not taking this life for granted. I have chosen to walk away from people in my life because they weren’t good for me. I have chosen to strengthen my relationships with those that are. Life is about the choices that we make.

Anyways, what have I learned this year?

Love. The love of my boys I truly enjoy because they make me smile and fill me with so much happiness. They are my family and I am so proud watching them in this life and have renewed my strength to just enjoy them.

Friendship. Those that you can be yourself with, those are the ones that need to be kept around.

Trust. This was the big one for me because I had to trust that others would be there when I reached out.

Of course I have had my feelings hurt this year, but I have realized that their attitude is not my problem to deal with, it is theirs. Then again, it was my feelings that were hurt so I have had to take a step back and let myself realize why I let them hurt my feelings, and that is a lot of reflecting.

Why am I saying all of this… Because I made the choice to put a positive perspective on this past year. So get out there and feel love, nurture your friendships, and open yourself to trust.

Turn the music up and dance around your house. Soak up the moment you are in. Be willing to feel love and enjoyment. Learn to be at peace with yourself. Quit surrounding yourself with people that thrive off drama. Reach out to people just to say hi.

And most of all, love yourself.

Love (or lack thereof)

Falling in love…

June 5, 2020

I see a woman that by merely walking in to a room, her presence is noticed. Not by her height alone, which she accentuates with heels, but with her vibrancy and her hand held out to introduce herself. She is confident and will speak her mind. Power is something that she holds in the palm of her hand. But, I know her secret. It is something that her and I share. We are afraid of giving up that power to have feelings for someone else – to fall in love.

We ask ourselves where we stand. Yet it is evident in the small actions – the phone calls that we receive, the delivered flowers, the love notes via email. We know exactly where we stand, yet we wonder and we want answers. Should we ask? And when we ask, will our thoughts of perfection end in ruins as our feelings of amazement escape us? Do we want to see this perfect specimen become a human being as we hear their feelings vocalized? When finally sharing our fears with the other and we hear that of course they find us amazing, what is the next step?

To know the power of someone wanting us is energetic. With this sense of empowerment, we feel in control of our destiny and guide along as we wish. Yet, when the tables are turned and we find ourselves losing the control, we are scared. This is when I personally will call it a day and walk so as not to get hurt. I do not want to share my feelings because by doing this, I am allowing you, almost single handedly, to affect my mood and my thoughts. As long as I am the one that leaves you wanting more, I am confident in my purpose and can plan the upcoming journey.

We are afraid of rejection. By admitting that our thoughts focus on another and not knowing our place, we are allowing this person to take charge of our inner most peace of mind. We become afraid to disagree with a decision or to even state what we truly desire for fear that with out their approval, they may not see us as the perfect person that we have been striving to appear as. We will begin to analyze all steps – was there an underlying message in this conversation? The way he held his arm and had his leg crossed – did that body gesture relate to something? What about the way he was concentrating on the road – maybe he was thinking about how life would be better without me.

This is where we have to stand up and act as our own person. Falling in love is wonderful and I recommend it to everyone. Yet, it is overwhelming with all the emotions that circulate through our mind and how they affect our smile. How do we regain control of our own thoughts and feel comfortable with knowing that someone desires us as much we desire them? Where are the comfortable boundaries?

This last question, I cannot completely answer. I do not allow anyone past a certain point in my emotional self. I will not give that control to have an effect in my life and leave myself open to daydreams and heartache. Is this healthy? Of course not. Yet, it is who I am. It is the person that I have created to protect myself from feeling alone. As my cousin once told me, it is more lonely to be with someone and feel alone than to be alone without someone.

One day, I may overcome these feelings and be ready to reach out. Until then, I am content to enjoy my life, myself. I enjoy my thoughts uninterrupted with feelings of inadequacy, anger and even jealousy at another’s confidence to live their life as they please. I do not wonder where I fit in and what our future holds. Reading a book in silence and becoming lost in the story is something that I enjoy and I appreciate being able to grab my keys and leave without having to check with another. I do as I please.

Yet, sometimes I wonder whom I will call when life has turned upside down and I need someone to cheer for just me. Will someone be there to hold my hand when I receive unexpected news? In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, as evident by this 3am typing, will there be a hand to reach out and hold to give me comfort?

So, I say go for it. Go for the love and enjoy what you have in this moment. When will you feel again as you are feeling now with the sunshine so warm and the breeze blowing through your hair? Concentrate on the soft kisses and revel in the joyous thought that someone, right now, sees you as near perfect. Do not ask what the next step is. Let it be a surprise that comes wrapped in a bow that is to be opened with a rainbow as it shines even more light in to your life. Experience the first few moments of new love.

I Miss Writing…

Reflecting on 2018…

Falling in love…

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