confidence – Swimming With The Rain

Life

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

May 12, 2023

Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.

The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”

We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.

I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.

Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.

“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”

“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”

“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”

“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”

“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”

I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”

Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.

While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.

However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.

woman in gray jacket and white skirt standing on stairs

So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.

Holidays

International Women’s Day

March 8, 2023

Today is International Women’s Day and if you need inspiration for a work meeting or even to inspire yourself, then you are at the perfect place!

After spending a year and a half in an HR position that involved a lot of employee motivation and working one on one with Senior Management with business needs, I began to see a trend with our employees… A lot of these young women lacked confidence in their abilities and were afraid to speak up. I’m not going to lie and say that I am the most confident person. I am finally, on the verge of 50, finding my own voice. This is in thanks to the young women that I worked with on a daily basis, and as I began to stand up for them, I needed to begin to stand up for myself.

Last year to celebrate International Women’s Day, around 15 of us squeezed in to our conference room that was intended for 10 people. Women all giggled when maneuvering around and were excited to have a moment without Senior Management around as intimidation. I started the meeting with telling them how thankful I was for all of them and how each made a difference in my day. I looked at each one and brought up a positive aspect, whether it was the spark they had during the interview, or how they helped out another co-worker. I was vulnerable for a moment and gave a bit of my personal background and assured each one that they had what it takes to succeed. “Because, if I can make it in life, so can you.”

I then brought up six talking points in hopes that it would make a change in our office, and slow down office gossip. It was important for these women to see that if we support each other, we will all feel empowered.

group of people watching gray laptop computer

Celebrate each others strengths and give praise. It’s contagious! I began to see women cheering for each other or walking by someone’s desk telling them “great job” or “thank you”.

Back each other up in meetings. This is a powerful one. During my meetings with Management, I was often the only woman in there. I understood what it felt like to not have an ally.

Include less experienced women in your projects. How else are we going to learn and expand our roles if someone doesn’t teach us?

Be approachable and offer help. One of the best compliments I had from an employee is when she told me that she told another employee, “Go see HR. She isn’t just there to hear work related things. She has really helped me in my personal life, also.”

positive businesswoman doing paperwork in office

Be open about your own vulnerabilities and failings. We think that successful women “just got there” or that they are special. Knowing the lengths that other women had to take to get to where they are inspires other women to know that their hard work will pay off.

Accept and embrace each others individuality. If everyone was the same, how boring would that be? Learn about other people and their cultures, hobbies, lifestyle. Keep learning.

What I did next seemed like a typical move for me, but my employees were not expecting it. I printed out the quotes below and had each one on individual pieces of paper, folded up, placed in a jar. As a firm believer in how things work out the way they are supposed to, I told each lady to reach in and grab the piece of paper that felt right to them and those would be their words. When it was over, it was truly amazing how each woman identified with “their” quote and several of them taped their quotes to their computer monitor as a daily reminder.

Feminism isn’t about making women strong. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength. G.D. Anderson

There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself. Hannah Gadsby

The most important thing one woman can do for another is expand her sense of actual possibilities. Adrienne Rich

We realize the importance of our voice when we are silenced. Malala Yousafzai

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

We need to reshape our own perception of how we view ourselves. We have to step up as women and take the lead. Beyoncé

I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves.

Every woman’s success should be an inspiration to another. We’re strongest when we cheer each other on. Serena Williams

She wasn’t looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword. Atticus

Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim. Nora Ephron

Girls should never be afraid to be smart. Emma Watson

A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives it a wink. Gina Carey

Your life isn’t yours if you constantly care what others think. Unknown

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it. Margaret Fuller

A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her. Unknown

A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult. Melinda Gates

We all have a ‘Wonder Woman’ inside of us. Unknown

I want every girl to know that her voice can change the world. Malala

Real queens fix each other’s crowns. Unknown

There’s something about a woman with a loud mind that sits in silence, smiling, knowing she can crush you with the truth. R.G. Moon

A strong woman stands up for herself. A stronger woman stands up for everyone else. Unknown

You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up instead of tearing each other down. Unknown

She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her. Rumi

It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire. Colette Werden

What’s the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one, she’s already had everything she needs within herself. It’s the world that convinced her she did not. Rupi Kaur

I know what I bring to the table… So trust me when I say I’m not afraid to eat alone. Unknown

Be the woman you needed as a girl. Unknown

And one day she discovered that she was fierce and strong and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back, because her passion burned brighter than her fears. Mark Anthony

I left that company seven months later. In fact, so did several other women as they became confident enough to speak up for themselves. The great thing is, I still hear from several of them as they have secured better jobs and found themselves deserving of a better life. I hold each of these ladies dear to my heart and although the company was awful to work for, these ladies helped me find myself and my voice and in turn, I helped them.

Life

If given the chance to dance, always dance.

May 14, 2021May 14, 2021

When I was probably around 5 or 6, I took ballet classes. I’m not sure why my mom signed me up… Could have been because that is what 5 year old girls do, or it could be because my mom saw even then that I was clumsy. While I do remember loving the sky blue ballet shoe box I carried with me to class, I was embarrassed to perform in front of others. Over 40 years later, I still remember that we had a performance scheduled at the mall of all places, and that during practice, I knew then that I would not be at the recital. I did not want people to see me. What if I messed up and people made fun of me? It’s sad to know that a child of that age was already nervous about those things. Anyways, I remember that we went to the mall with my parents and grandparents that weekend and as we passed my class performing the routine, my family knew that I had not told them about the event.

Over 40 years later and this memory still bothers me when it pops up out of the blue. I told them that I forgot when in reality, I was too embarrassed of failing.

All through grade school and even in to Junior High, when I would see girls my age perform at the school talent show, I would watch with envy. Wishing I was one of those girls that had the confidence to perform in front of others, I would turn the music up in my bedroom, and I would dance as if no one was watching, (they weren’t). I went to one practice tryout for my 7th grade drill team… I never went back. What if I wasn’t good enough? At the end of my freshman year of high school, I tried out with my bestfriend for JV cheer. She made it, I didn’t. Two weeks of practice leading up to tryouts and I loved each and every single one. Being part of a team and encouraging each other, I was all about that. Knowing the rules for the sports and when to say which cheer, I had that one nailed. Then it was time to perform in front of a select few BY MYSELF. My confidence standing in front of strangers and having them judge me… Nope. Nerves kicked in and I could not fake that school spirit because I knew then that I would not be good enough.

Then my 20’s appeared and I loved nothing more than a good wedding reception, but I was still worried of being judged. My ex-husband would offer to do the “obligatory dance”, but a lot of times, we sat off to the side watching everyone else enjoy the dance floor. After dancing with family at my mom’s wedding reception to my step-dad, my ex-husband told me I moved my hips too much. Looking back, that is kind of an odd comment from a Latin man that could Salsa with his family at holiday parties… As my marriage ended and my friends and I found out what the clubs in Florida were like, we would dance and dance. “Oh! I love this song! Come on!” It was never with reckless abandon, knowing that I was possibly being judged, but we still had fun singing our favorite lyrics.

As my kids grew up, we would dance around the house, twirling or doing the twist. I am such a believer in music affecting the spirit and I wanted them to realize that they were in a home that was not going to embarrass or judge them because they wanted to wave their arms in the air. In fact, my youngest had certain commercials that would cause him to jump off the couch, do a quick dance routine that was a mix of break dancing and your drunk uncle at a wedding, then sit back down and act like nothing happened. One of my favorite moments with him is when I put in the Glee Christmas CD… Their version of ‘We Need a Little Christmas’, I played it over and over… My youngest son was about 7 and we held hands and danced in a circle jumping and singing, while my 16 year old sat on the stairs staring at us like we were crazy. But, that’s okay because he was also smiling.

The year or so after turning 40, I had a 60 year old social friend and if the music was playing at a bar, she was dancing. At first when we were getting to know her, we would all shake our heads and assume that she had had one too many glasses of cheap wine. We started to see a pattern though… She loved to dance! And she didn’t care who was watching or how she was dancing. Guess what? Other women would go up, by themselves, so they could dance near her and enjoy the moment, also. That was it! She had the confidence! All of these years I had been wistfully watching these types of women that are enjoying the moment… Doing the chicken dance at weddings, dancing up front at a concert in the park, being the first on the dance floor at a club… They were confident enough to enjoy the moment, and not care if they were being judged!

These days, although I am a bit too old to dance in the clubs with the kids that are younger than my son, I still love to dance. Walking in to my house while I’m cleaning, you may find me bebopping my way to the washing machine with a load of towels, or rocking back and forth while rinsing dishes. Driving home from work with a good song playing loud, my hand motions are in sync with the phrase the singer is putting emphasis on. I’ve been known to put my hands in front of me, make small fists, and shake my body, just to make a person smile when a happy dance party song is on.

selective focus photography of smiling woman wearing gray dress dancing

Ear buds in at the gym, I’m not just playing the music to keep me going… I am dancing in my head.

One of my very favorite movies is La La Land… I went to see it TWICE at the movie theater and purchased the Blu-Ray as soon as it came out. But, best of all, not only is there an absolutely amazing soundtrack, there is a FULL sound track that also plays the musical interludes! You know the instrumental music you hear during specific scenes? Yes, they made a two cd sound track that includes all of those and it is like heaven to me! When I hear each, the imagery of the scene is playing in my mind and I wish that we all lived in a world where people broke out in to song and dance at just a random time. Kind of like the movie Grease…. Makes perfectly good sense to me.

Just a few months ago, a friend showed me a video from a couple of years ago, of several of us dancing around to Taylor Swift’s song, “Shake It Off”. I smiled because none of us stopped dancing when we realized he was recording, in fact we were laughing and singing like we were in the video with Taylor. Oh, how I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to “Shake It Off” and just dance! Quit worrying about what people are thinking of you and just dance. But, when you go out to dance at some place, make sure to grab the hand of the wallflower that is watching everyone else dance… She may just be a bit nervous and need an extra dose of encouragement.

graceful dancer performing on street standing in puddle

Tell her with as much warmth and understanding as you can, “When given the chance to dance, always dance.”

Life

Tell Yourself You’re Happy

February 26, 2021

When I was first married to the military, I came across Captain Yost. He was a tall, thin man and always very welcoming towards our young Enlisted family. Of course each time we saw each other, he would ask the obligatory “Hi, how are you?” and I would tell him about a teething infant or a husband that wouldn’t mow the yard. Yet, when I would ask him, he would reply with, “I am doing wonderful!” One afternoon while walking my teething child in his stroller, we saw Captain Yost out in his yard. Once again I asked how he was doing and he told me that he was doing wonderful. Puzzled at his happiness, I finally asked what made him feel this way, or at least answer that way all the time. His explanation, “Why not? I tell myself that I am happy and I believe it.” I haven’t seen Captain Yost since 1996 but his words still stick with me.

The definition for happiness is “the state of being happy”. Synonyms include ~ pleasure, contentment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, merriment, gaiety, joy, joyfulness, glee, delight, good spirits, lightheartedness, well-being, enjoyment. Come up with a few sentences off the top of your head that include one of these words.

Some people assume that just because someone seems to be happy the majority of the time, they are not in touch with reality or they are faking it. But, happiness is a choice. And when you decide to make that choice, you may have to work at it. I was talking with a friend the other evening, explained my concept that we all have a choice on how we react to things, and we talked in depth of how to deal with some of the frustrating people in his life. For instance, I told him to turn it around on them; that with the constant complainer, ask her what would make her happy in that particular situation. Obviously, some of my “instructing” worked. The next day, he dealt with a motorcycle that tried to cut him off in traffic and instead of getting mad at something that was beyond his control, he took a deep breath and went back to life.

Happiness is a choice, you cannot choose what happens, but you can choose your reaction to it and be happy. ~ RVM

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice. ~ Jim Rohn

The only reason you are happy is because you choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice, and so is suffering. ~Miguel Angel Ruiz

Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. ~Dalai Lama

We all have hapiness inside and it’s not at all hard to find. It’s sealed deep in our hearts and guarded by our soul. You don’t have to beg to use it. All you have to do is choose it! ~Bebeth

An important decision I made was to resist playing the Blame Game. The day I realized that I am in charge of how I will approach problems in my life, that things will turn out better or worse because of me and nobody else, that was the day I knew I would be a happier and healthier person. And that was the day I knew I could truly build a life that matters. ~Steve Goodier

Though no one can backtrack and create a brand new start, Everyone is capable of taking their life in a brand new direction. ~ Germany Kent

Happiness is a choice. Choose to be happy and you will be. ~ Domonique Bertolucci, The Happiness Code: Ten Keys to Being the Best You Can Be

Feeling happy or hurt by every little thing is a choice that makes life beautiful or ugly. ~ Archana Chaurasia Kapoor

Relationships matter. The roles people play in your life will influence you so get serious about who you allow to affect you. Nurture those relationships in your circle that foster success and happiness, and continuously position yourself among change agents and thought leaders. ~ Germany Kent

Living in happiness means practicing the dance of “detachment-attachment”. On a daily basis, we must sense which moments, which events, which people, thoughts and circumstances to detach ourselves from; and which ones to attach ourselves to. Learning this dance, and doing it well, leads to happiness. ~ C. JoyBell C.

When you decide to live in a state of happiness, it does not mean that you are not allowed to have other feelings, they just become less frequent. After a while, you will realize that you begin to look at experiences differently, recognizing that the stressors can be moments of opportunity and not opposition.

Happy people know their strengths and use those to build their confidence. Think of it as throwing together a big birthday celebration ~ if you get nervous talking to people but you are a really good cook, choose to be the one to create the elaborate meal, being able to stay behind scenes, and let someone else do the schmoozing. So, let’s get to know ourselves and toot our own horns for a bit ~

I like myself because…

I’m an expert at…

People say I am a good…

What I enjoy most is…

I have a natural talent for…

I feel good when I…

The traits I admire myself for are…

I feel peaceful when…

Use these things towards encouraging your happiness! Of course, it is always important to have an open mind but if you know that you enjoy being creative for instance, be creative! Wander around Michael’s or Hobby Lobby to get ideas. If you enjoy reading, join a book club to talk with other readers. Cooking big dinners could be something you excel at but you live alone… Well, invite others over to share dinner time with you. Feeling nervous about volunteering for something? Speak up! You know what you are good at and what you enjoy. Offer to do it. Just like having to deal with a kid’s sports team… Some moms are meant for the “Team Mom” position. I am not. But, I can cut up some oranges for half time. Do what you love!

To quote Aristotle, “Happiness is a state of activity”. Do you know of any truly happy people that sit home every day, all day? This may sound like a great thing to do but after awhile, boredom sets in, it’s the same routine day after day, they are no longer thriving. The happiest of people enjoy experiencing life, pursuing passions and building connections. Of course, it also depends on your mood. If you have had a hectic week, sometimes all you want is to just sit still for one night and stare at your tv. Does this make you unhappy? No. On the contrary, that might make you happy by re-energizing yourself. Then there are those particular days that you just feel rough and you need to make that connection with people to feel that confidence again. Start taking notice of when you need to be by yourself and when you need to be with people. Once you start paying attention to this, it will help to increase your happiness awareness. Tell us about what you do when you need to be re-energized…

Part of learning to be happy is being able to find the good in situations, the silver linings. Or it may not necessarily be the good but the lesson or trying to look at something with a different frame of mind. You have to be willing to see things from another perspective. Then you have to train yourself to quit thinking negative about so many things.

Years ago, I started this process and it was hard at times. For instance, if a car was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic, I would think to myself about how there really is the possibility that they just got a call that a loved one is in the hospital and they are trying to get to them. What about the mom that is half ignoring her child in the grocery store? Well, she may have been listening to that child all day and her patience level is really low so I smile at the mom to let her know I understand. Most recently, I lost my phone. I tried everything I could to get it back and finally had to give up. At one point, I remember standing there wanting to yell and scream but I thought, “Here I am telling people how they need to lead a more positive life and if I can’t practice what I preach, what good is that?” So, I took a deep breath and accepted the fact that my phone was lost. Yes, it did put a damper on the day, but I did not become as angry as I could have. What are some examples of things you have had to look at in a different light so you wouldn’t get upset?

One of my favorite places to shop is Fresh Market, and I tell people all the time that it is the most pleasurable shopping experience ever. When you walk in, there is something about the hardwood floor, the display cases, the smell… Just the whole atmosphere, including the classical music at the perfect volume. Stop and think about what your favorite places do to create a relaxing atmosphere.

The self-talk that you keep running through your mind is like the background music of your life. It plays almost continuously, like a constant chatter without necessarily a specific thought.

The self-talk may not be something that we say out loud but we hear it each time we look in the mirror, talk to a co-worker, text with a friend. We have programmed our mind to think a certain way and that is the only way it knows how to react. If each time a co-worker asks you a questions and you think, “You again?!?” this will put you in to a negative state. So, if our subconscious talks to us in a certain way and it is OUR subconscious which we trained, we need to reprogram it to think positive self-talk.

Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take it’s place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you. ~ Beverly Engel, The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused — And Start Standing Up for Yourself

The way you choose to think and speak about yourself (to yourself and others), IS A CHOICE! You may have spent your whole life talking about yourself in a negative way, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue that path. ~ Miya Yamanouchi

My challenge to you today is to observe your thoughts and internal dialogue and recognize if and when you speak poorly to yourself. We all have moments of self-deprecation and very often we are too hard on ourselves. Today, start to be caring and supportive of yourself. Observe that little voice in your head and say something positive to yourself instead! ~ Elaine Seiler, Getting Rid of Negative Energy

Don’t undermine yourself. The one person who should never undermine you, is you. Believe in possibilities. Believe in yourself. Believe you are capable. Engage in positive self-talk. Be an advocate for your betterment. Be your own friend. Be loving to yourself. Be forgiving to yourself. Encourage yourself. Celebrate yourself. Be gentle and kind with yourself. Let go of your limiting beliefs. You are capable of more than you think. ~ Akiroq Brost

The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes. Mahatma Gandhi

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. Willie Nelson

We know that attitudes are contagious, whether positive or negative. I am kind of grouchy when I wake up and my family always adjusted to it. And then along came my first child. He was born happy! He would wake up from naps smiling and would just be so excited to see me. How could I possibly act cranky towards a sweet innocent child that was jumping up and down in his crib when I came in. So, I had to change my morning attitude but it was easy to do with him.

Of course we love being around those positive people because they make us feel special and we also find ourselves happier. For instance, you have the option to sit on the beach for the day with one of two people… One of them is a constant complainer. If you say that it is a beautiful summer day, they will tell you that it is too hot. The other one looks at things from a positive view point so while they may agree that it is hot, they will also add that thankfully you two can get in the water when you need to cool off. Or better yet, they brought ice cold beer with them.

Here we are and you are wondering what the point was in all of this rambling about happiness… Did it make you think? Did it make you realize how your words to yourself can make an impact on your mood?

Don’t necessarily lie to people about how you are doing. If your dog just died, you do not have to say you are doing wonderful. But, don’t complain that no one ever asks you to do anything, and then turn down every offer. Being happy also includes being grateful. Standing on your feet making dinner after a 9 hour work day? Be thankful you have a job and money to feed your family. Find the positive in situations. This is what you need to work on.

Final example – I recently moved from the warm beaches in Florida to the snow-covered Mid-west. Each time someone asks me what I think, I say, “I love it!” Do you know what they end up doing? Laughing, smiling, and we have started our conversation on a positive feeling.

The above was used in a guided group conversation. Similar to a bible study, but without the religious references. If you have questions on how to spark this conversation amongst friends, co-workers, or in a social circle, feel free to email me at SwimmingWithTheRain@yahoo.com

Health & Spiritual

The Beginning of My Weight Loss Journey

June 19, 2020June 25, 2020

Why am I going to tell you about all of these things that happened in 2019? Because making the decision to lose weight can be a battle. It usually doesn’t happen over night, at least with me. I have to rationalize things in my head until it finally HITS me and I have my reason WHY.

January 2019 ~ My blood results came back and the doctor was not happy. Not only had I put on weight, but my blood sugar was at 190, which is in between borderline and high. Dr. C, the fitness fanatic, is not one to just say, “Here, take this!” which honestly, can sometimes drive me crazy! His instructions that day – “Go keto and go keto NOW! Drop some weight and your sugar level or I will HAVE to put you on meds.” Two months later, I did my follow up and I had lost 10 pounds along with my level going down down 40 points. Yay! “Keep at it, drop some more weight and I am confident that you will be fine.” Did I listen? Well, no.

April 2019 ~ I saw a photo of myself in a bathing suit, from the backside. I was mortified. How was this me? How did all this weight come on so quick within the past couple of years? Oh… Menopause. While I am so thankful to God for putting me in to it in my early / mid 40’s, I hadn’t stopped to realize what it was doing to my hormones. I was no longer the person that could just starve for a few days and lose those few pounds. Suddenly, those photos where I thought I looked fat, I wanted to be that size again!

May 2019 ~ I started back to the gym and told myself, “Yes, I can eat lunch out today because I went to the gym this morning.” (FYI ~ that’s a lie!) Then, the craziest thing happened… I was on a boat, lost my balance a bit, and my phone went flying in to the water. Not thinking in my head that the water was only two feet deep, I jumped. That’s when I heard a nice little pop in the right knee as I landed near my phone. I did good for a few weeks, keeping it up, icing it, trying to stay off my leg. But, while watching tv with my son, I got up off the couch, turned my body without turning my knee… Pop!

***This has become my life ~ knee up with an ice pack.***

July 2019 ~ My knee is still visibly swollen so I finally make an appointment with the doctor. After an X-ray confirms that it is not broken, he schedules me for an MRI with the instructions, “You can do anything you want to, but do not let your feet leave the ground.” Well, that leaves most things out. Why go to the gym? I hate upper body workouts so what’s the point, right? Stupid decision. My next stupid decision was not getting the MRI done because it was $200.

September 2019 ~ I had resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to let myself be fat and happy, thinking I was ok with that. I mean, I was finally enjoying all that delicious food that everyone talks about. But, when I came back from seeing my family on vacation, I saw the number on the scale and was in shock. I had never weighed this, not even with either of my pregnancies. Whatever, it didn’t matter. I had friends and if a man wanted to be a part of my life, he would have to love me for how I looked.

October 2019 ~ My knee brace was no longer a constant and I was starting to feel better as long as I didn’t stand too long, have it in one position too long, and wore the brace if I was doing anything that involved movement, so why not get a puppy? Since I wasn’t picking her up until around noon, a friend and I went to see the sunflower fields. We walked and the sharp pain wasn’t there for the first time, my knee felt great! The two year old going down the slide looked like he was having a good and made it look so easy, so why not? Bad decision! I really need to learn that when I say, “Why not?”, my answer needs to be, “DON’T!” Two year old legs are short, so when they come off the slide, their feet hit the ground. When you are 46, that doesn’t happen. Your feet go forward and your tush has to hit the ground. (My kids explained this whole gravity thing to me, but I blew them off when listening) Luckily, with the young child near, the words stayed inside my head instead of causing him life long mental damage and possible therapy. Yes, I broke my tail bone and there is nothing that can be done about it. So, my charming new puppy was welcomed in to my home by being put on the couch behind my knees while I laid on my side in the fetal position for two days. There went my plan to get back to being active! Honestly, being active or sitting or sleeping or breathing hurt. (Eight months later, I still have pain. My doctor confirmed that I jacked it up and probably should have had it looked at sooner, but that there really isn’t anything that can be done except time.)

***No part of your body should ever be bruised that color, especially your butt.***

November 2019 ~ By now, it was just easier to eat out instead of cooking and I generally rotated between Firehouse Subs or Panda Express since I could order online and they were near my house. If I had to run in to the store, those Totino pizzas are cheap and soooooo good! I live alone most of the time so why put all that effort in to cooking when it just wasn’t thrilling… But, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, about 30 minutes after having a Firehouse sub, it was not sitting well with me at work. Our unspoken rule at work is that “that” DOES NOT happen there. (Graphic, yes. Honest, yes.) Luckily, I live less than a mile away so I told them that I thought I was going to be sick and ran out the door like a crazy woman. Once I got home, I was pretty sure that I was going to die, convinced that it was food poisoning. But, the longer that I laid on the couch, the more I started thinking about the fact that I was eating fast food too often and that I needed to quit. I was feeling awful… Not just physically but mentally… Why was I telling myself that I was ok like this when I clearly wasn’t? I didn’t feel energy to do much of anything, my motivation was shot, I felt ugly inside and out… Now that everything in me was pretty much cleaned out, wouldn’t now be a good time to start? But, I needed help knowing that I could not do this on my own. I knew that I couldn’t do keto because I LOVE pasta and I didn’t want to give up fruit, plus I refuse to do any diet that tells me that I can’t have wine. That’s just sacrilegious right there! Wait! What about those Noom ads I had seen? I liked the thought of a coach and psychology… Let’s do this! So, I signed up for the free two week trial while I was laying on the couch depleted of any food I had consumed in probably the last 24 hours. I did what it suggested and ate like I normally did the next day, which happened to be Thanksgiving, and I logged every bite. I was in shock at the the amount of calories, but I also knew that this accountability thing was going to work. It wasn’t just me looking at my food intake, it was a ‘goal specialist’ and I was allowing her to see my weight. If you have ever truly struggled with your weight, you know that that is the hardest thing to do – let someone know your dirty little secret.

Oh! If you’re wondering if it was food poisoning, it wasn’t. About 30 minutes after eating, my oldest son was pretty convinced that he was going to die (reminded me how he is SOOOO like his dad when sick) and the majority of my office seemed to be out for a day on a rotating schedule for the next week or so.

Want to get started on Noom? Here’s what you need to begin YOUR journey ~ https://swimmingwiththerain.com/starting-noom-what-you-will-need/

Love (or lack thereof)

Falling in love…

June 5, 2020

I see a woman that by merely walking in to a room, her presence is noticed. Not by her height alone, which she accentuates with heels, but with her vibrancy and her hand held out to introduce herself. She is confident and will speak her mind. Power is something that she holds in the palm of her hand. But, I know her secret. It is something that her and I share. We are afraid of giving up that power to have feelings for someone else – to fall in love.

We ask ourselves where we stand. Yet it is evident in the small actions – the phone calls that we receive, the delivered flowers, the love notes via email. We know exactly where we stand, yet we wonder and we want answers. Should we ask? And when we ask, will our thoughts of perfection end in ruins as our feelings of amazement escape us? Do we want to see this perfect specimen become a human being as we hear their feelings vocalized? When finally sharing our fears with the other and we hear that of course they find us amazing, what is the next step?

To know the power of someone wanting us is energetic. With this sense of empowerment, we feel in control of our destiny and guide along as we wish. Yet, when the tables are turned and we find ourselves losing the control, we are scared. This is when I personally will call it a day and walk so as not to get hurt. I do not want to share my feelings because by doing this, I am allowing you, almost single handedly, to affect my mood and my thoughts. As long as I am the one that leaves you wanting more, I am confident in my purpose and can plan the upcoming journey.

We are afraid of rejection. By admitting that our thoughts focus on another and not knowing our place, we are allowing this person to take charge of our inner most peace of mind. We become afraid to disagree with a decision or to even state what we truly desire for fear that with out their approval, they may not see us as the perfect person that we have been striving to appear as. We will begin to analyze all steps – was there an underlying message in this conversation? The way he held his arm and had his leg crossed – did that body gesture relate to something? What about the way he was concentrating on the road – maybe he was thinking about how life would be better without me.

This is where we have to stand up and act as our own person. Falling in love is wonderful and I recommend it to everyone. Yet, it is overwhelming with all the emotions that circulate through our mind and how they affect our smile. How do we regain control of our own thoughts and feel comfortable with knowing that someone desires us as much we desire them? Where are the comfortable boundaries?

This last question, I cannot completely answer. I do not allow anyone past a certain point in my emotional self. I will not give that control to have an effect in my life and leave myself open to daydreams and heartache. Is this healthy? Of course not. Yet, it is who I am. It is the person that I have created to protect myself from feeling alone. As my cousin once told me, it is more lonely to be with someone and feel alone than to be alone without someone.

One day, I may overcome these feelings and be ready to reach out. Until then, I am content to enjoy my life, myself. I enjoy my thoughts uninterrupted with feelings of inadequacy, anger and even jealousy at another’s confidence to live their life as they please. I do not wonder where I fit in and what our future holds. Reading a book in silence and becoming lost in the story is something that I enjoy and I appreciate being able to grab my keys and leave without having to check with another. I do as I please.

Yet, sometimes I wonder whom I will call when life has turned upside down and I need someone to cheer for just me. Will someone be there to hold my hand when I receive unexpected news? In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, as evident by this 3am typing, will there be a hand to reach out and hold to give me comfort?

So, I say go for it. Go for the love and enjoy what you have in this moment. When will you feel again as you are feeling now with the sunshine so warm and the breeze blowing through your hair? Concentrate on the soft kisses and revel in the joyous thought that someone, right now, sees you as near perfect. Do not ask what the next step is. Let it be a surprise that comes wrapped in a bow that is to be opened with a rainbow as it shines even more light in to your life. Experience the first few moments of new love.

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