colors – Swimming With The Rain

A pedicure as the Love Language for TOUCH

June 7, 2020

I went to get a pedicure today for the first time in probably over six months. I used to be so diligent about it… Every two weeks, I was in a nail salon ready to pick out the same pinkish red color that I had been wearing for forever. Maybe not the exact same shade, but always similar. Only three times did I do a different color – First for my brother’s wedding (late 90’s) and his wife wanted our toes the same color as our dress (baby blue). The second was in 2016… I had picked out my normal pinkish red, but when I told the woman that I had a first date the next night, she told me to do something different and she painted them teal (similar to this color). In her sweet Vietnamese accent she said, “You try this. If he likes, he a good man.” (He did and that lasted 6 months. Maybe I should seek out her wisdom again. ) 2018 was the third time. A bright Baby Blue. It was summer and a friend of mine had her finger nails painted that color and I liked it.

Back to my pedi today… I had spent the morning helping a friend pack and move. While on that side of town, I wanted to go in to my once favorite place. Luckily, they weren’t backed up so I ended up getting a chair within just a few minutes.

This salon which has been my ‘go to’ place, brings me peace. I know that there are others that are newer and shinier, but this place… There is something about the lived in feel, the quiet music that involves chimes, their sun faded posters involving Biblical themes, their cheap gold crosses… “Oh! We haven’t seen you in awhile! Sit, sit!” They always make me feel like they have welcomed me in to their home and WANT to take care of me. It must have been my lucky day because I ended up with the owner and he is usually booked with appointments. Looking at my goose bumped legs, he brought me over a towel to cover up with and I held on as if he had just given me a snuggle blanket. “You close your eyes. You relax.” Then he hit the massage chair button. The tension in my body started to melt away and once I felt those hot water jets hit my feet, the crease in my face started to smooth out. I sat there, holding on to the top of my towel, my reflexes moved my feet where they needed to go, melding in to the feeling of the massage on my shoulders and tightly wound back.

My mind started to wander to a couple of different friends. One had posted months ago about how her love language was touch but since she was single, she didn’t know how to get that language fulfilled. I suggested she go get a pedicure because it had always relaxed me. In my wording to her that day, it reminded me of how many times I had done the same exact thing when I just needed to feel loved, without really realizing why I was going. The thought of her took me to a conversation with another friend a few years prior. We had been discussing what it was like to be deployed and being away from your loved ones and he mentioned that that is why a lot of them will go and get massages. In my typical humor, I laughed and said, “Yah, we all know why they go and get a massage.” My humor was met with a very serious reply… “You know, some peoples love language is touch and just to have someone rub your feet or back, can really help fulfill that.” Those words have stayed with me as a reminder of how powerful touch really is.

When the pedicure was done, he put a hot washcloth that was infused with eucalyptus on the back of my neck. With each pressure his hands gave my neck and shoulders, it heightened the soothing aroma, ensuring my complete relaxation.

When I finally opened my eyes, the world seemed golden and my soul was at ease. I’ve learned my lesson – no longer will I look at these pedicures as too costly or time consuming and I will do my best to make more time for my self care in this way. I can only take as good of care for others as I take for myself.

Ironically enough, when I came home and decided to catch up on a show, those words were said to a character, almost word for word. Thank you, God, for reminding me that I matter, also, and helping me to realize that it is not selfish to give myself self-care.

PS – As you can see below, I went away from my normal pinkish red and stepped out of my comfort zone. I’ve spent my life, especially the last several years, doing what is expected of me. My purchasing style for clothes and decor has always basically been about “function”. I think it’s time that I start with “does this look like joy” when I look at colors for decor and such. And my first step to doing this, is teal colored toes that my kids and boss may shake their heads at. But, that’s ok, because it’s not their toes, right?

Life

Courage can start with picking out new pottery

June 7, 2020

Yesterday, I spent the day helping a friend move to a new house that she bought. It’s perfect for her and that view… Oh my! The spacious back yard overlooks the bay, with plenty of room on the back deck to enjoy the water and sunrise. She was super lucky that the previous owners left window boxes with freshly planted petunias, adding to the charm from either inside or out.

Adding to the charm of her new house was her variety of plants in colorful, sometimes eclectic, pots. The back of the moving van looked similar to that of a florist making deliveries, with wandering Jews and Ivy hanging from the wood rafters, and bowls of petunias and begonias packed in tightly. All that seemed to be missing were the plastic card holders with well wishes offered.

My slightly green thumb was beginning to itch. Oh, how I missed the color of outdoor plants! They always brought a smile to my thoughts, seeing them on my porch after a long work day, as if their flowers were saying, “Welcome home!” I’d always longed for my backyard to look like what my mind had imagined while reading ‘The Secret Garden’… Filled with whimsical plants in colored pottery lining the pebble covered paths, leading to a hidden bridge that connected to a maze of wandering ivy, luscious plants, and vibrant bushes with butterflies dancing around. Sure, there were times that I would add flowers to a dirt area in my backyard, but with kids and a dog running around, they didn’t last long. And in reality, if I would have had a secret garden, I would have gotten lost in there with a book, never to be found. Would that really have been such a bad thing, come to think of it? Ha! Looking back, it could have worked. You see, when my youngest son was little, he loved to help me pick out flowers for our front porch, always trying to find the right ones that smelled good or colors he thought I would enjoy. And when it would rain, instead of getting frustrated, he would say, “The rain is watering our plants and the sun will help them grow“. But, as time went on, sports, life, and challenging schoolwork got in the way. It seemed that suddenly, planting flowers with mom lost their thrill.

But, here I am with this sudden desire to watch plants evolve in to their own shape, maybe similar to watching my kids change and grow. (Well, that was just an A-HA moment, need to make a note of that.) So, I head to the store early on this rainy Sunday morning, to wander the garden section. The peace of mindlessly walking around, smelling the herbs, and reading different labels reminded me of the long ago quiet bookstores. I selected a variety based upon full sun, mid sun, and light sun, along with annual versus perennial. Not caring for the bland selection of pots (or pricing), I headed to a discount store hoping they would have some that caught my eye. This was going to be my chance to have the courage to go for something a bit more vibrant, not just practical and sturdy. They did not disappoint!

The heat index is already pushing 90 with 85% humidity at 10:30 am and I felt the need to do this today, why? What was I thinking? Oh, that’s right… My slight green thumb was itching! But, as I found my hands in the potting soil, adding to each pot, deciding which plants should be combined or left with their own kind, that old feeling came over me as I found where each one belonged. But, this time, it felt a bit different… These plants were at home.

Just as I was feeling quite satisfied with my progress and packing up the empty containers, a text came through from my friend across the street. “I look out my window and there you are with two different color gloves!” Laughing, I replied back with, “My damn dog seems to think they are great chew toys so when the cabinet is open and she can get to one, she snags it and starts trotting off. Freaking dog!” I needed that moment to break up the moment and look up at the sky.

A summer storm was coming in, so I lined up my new plants and admired my baby steps in purchasing an array of somewhat colorful pots. They’ll spend a day soaking up some rain, reaching for the sun, before I decide where to place them. As I stood back to admire the beginning of my colorful world, I reflected on the words of my son from 10 short years ago that is more a metaphor on life than he knew at the time… “The rain is watering our plants and the sun will help them grow“.

I had some cuttings from a plant that I trimmed down that had finally grown sufficient roots. Broken super glued coffee cups and small plastic pots are the perfect place to transfer these small plants while they adjust to their new environment.

This type of pot is something that I would have never picked out before. But, I loved the look and have always admired this style when I have seen in other peoples gardens.

So, what are you waiting for? There is always going to be rain, but there will be sun, and that is when we grow. Find the courage to pick out your own pottery and let your vibrant side show! For those of you that have seen your friends admiring your plants and beautiful pottery, just remember what an excellent gift that would make for them when the time arises. Not only is it the plant and the pot it is in that they admire, it is YOU, and your courage to do what they are striving for.

Love (or lack thereof)

Falling in love…

June 5, 2020

I see a woman that by merely walking in to a room, her presence is noticed. Not by her height alone, which she accentuates with heels, but with her vibrancy and her hand held out to introduce herself. She is confident and will speak her mind. Power is something that she holds in the palm of her hand. But, I know her secret. It is something that her and I share. We are afraid of giving up that power to have feelings for someone else – to fall in love.

We ask ourselves where we stand. Yet it is evident in the small actions – the phone calls that we receive, the delivered flowers, the love notes via email. We know exactly where we stand, yet we wonder and we want answers. Should we ask? And when we ask, will our thoughts of perfection end in ruins as our feelings of amazement escape us? Do we want to see this perfect specimen become a human being as we hear their feelings vocalized? When finally sharing our fears with the other and we hear that of course they find us amazing, what is the next step?

To know the power of someone wanting us is energetic. With this sense of empowerment, we feel in control of our destiny and guide along as we wish. Yet, when the tables are turned and we find ourselves losing the control, we are scared. This is when I personally will call it a day and walk so as not to get hurt. I do not want to share my feelings because by doing this, I am allowing you, almost single handedly, to affect my mood and my thoughts. As long as I am the one that leaves you wanting more, I am confident in my purpose and can plan the upcoming journey.

We are afraid of rejection. By admitting that our thoughts focus on another and not knowing our place, we are allowing this person to take charge of our inner most peace of mind. We become afraid to disagree with a decision or to even state what we truly desire for fear that with out their approval, they may not see us as the perfect person that we have been striving to appear as. We will begin to analyze all steps – was there an underlying message in this conversation? The way he held his arm and had his leg crossed – did that body gesture relate to something? What about the way he was concentrating on the road – maybe he was thinking about how life would be better without me.

This is where we have to stand up and act as our own person. Falling in love is wonderful and I recommend it to everyone. Yet, it is overwhelming with all the emotions that circulate through our mind and how they affect our smile. How do we regain control of our own thoughts and feel comfortable with knowing that someone desires us as much we desire them? Where are the comfortable boundaries?

This last question, I cannot completely answer. I do not allow anyone past a certain point in my emotional self. I will not give that control to have an effect in my life and leave myself open to daydreams and heartache. Is this healthy? Of course not. Yet, it is who I am. It is the person that I have created to protect myself from feeling alone. As my cousin once told me, it is more lonely to be with someone and feel alone than to be alone without someone.

One day, I may overcome these feelings and be ready to reach out. Until then, I am content to enjoy my life, myself. I enjoy my thoughts uninterrupted with feelings of inadequacy, anger and even jealousy at another’s confidence to live their life as they please. I do not wonder where I fit in and what our future holds. Reading a book in silence and becoming lost in the story is something that I enjoy and I appreciate being able to grab my keys and leave without having to check with another. I do as I please.

Yet, sometimes I wonder whom I will call when life has turned upside down and I need someone to cheer for just me. Will someone be there to hold my hand when I receive unexpected news? In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, as evident by this 3am typing, will there be a hand to reach out and hold to give me comfort?

So, I say go for it. Go for the love and enjoy what you have in this moment. When will you feel again as you are feeling now with the sunshine so warm and the breeze blowing through your hair? Concentrate on the soft kisses and revel in the joyous thought that someone, right now, sees you as near perfect. Do not ask what the next step is. Let it be a surprise that comes wrapped in a bow that is to be opened with a rainbow as it shines even more light in to your life. Experience the first few moments of new love.