children – Swimming With The Rain

Back to School

August 25, 2023August 25, 2023

School started last week in my little corner of the world. And although it has been years since I have sent a child of mine back to school, the momma in me can still relate to these parents as they are going through the first of the lasts and first of the firsts.

On Friday, my boyfriend’s son had his firsts of the lasts with football, as it is now his Senior year of high school. It was so exciting to watch him come out on to the field as a starting Senior, but also sad to realize that there are only so many Home games and this will be over soon.

The pride I felt for this child is similar to how I felt for my own, but I get to enjoy this one more. Maybe because I have “been there, done that” and have figured out what is important and what isn’t. Kids at this age do not realize the shear power of a moment and how quick it will go by. For him, he may realize it when the season is over and ask for five more minutes.

“At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line
Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine
And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket
Can’t you give me five more minutes?” ~Five More Minutes, sung by Scotty McCreery

That evening, I also watched Freshmen enjoying the firsts of the firsts. These 14 year-old’s were at THEIR high school football game, and this is a big deal for them. For some, it may be one of the first activities that they do not have direct parental supervision and feel like they can do whatever they want. That being said, they still need to work on their respect and how to behave, but they’ll learn.

They were like puppies… Very eager but haven’t learned how to control themselves yet.

black short coated dog biting plastic container on green grass

Moving forward to Saturday evening and I was craving Indian food. We headed to the best Indian food place which is near the University campus when it dawned on us… It’s move in weekend! Vehicles were in front of dorms and apartments, doors and trunks open loaded down with suitcases and bedding. Where we usually see students crossing the streets without a care in the world, we saw parents following behind their kids, as they figured out where to go.

We have always walked in to this restaurant and had choices on where to sit. We even used to wonder WHY they had a back dining room, as we had never seen anyone in it, so we assumed it was for private groups. No. It was FULL. Both areas! This is what that room was for.

It didn’t matter that we had to wait for our food. I had a glass of wine and did what I do best – people watching. Parents with their new college students… Excitement beaming from these students as their lives were about ready to change. Parents soaking up the last bit of time with their kids before they were to leave them in adulthood. Dads giving meaningful words of wisdom. Moms watching their 18 year-old children but visioning them as two. This momma wanted to walk up and hug each one of those momma’s and tell them it will be okay.

So, to all of you students, get out there and enjoy this moment and experience life! To all of you parents going through Senior Year with your child or even sending them off to college… I see you. I am hugging you in my mind.

Life

If given the chance to dance, always dance.

May 14, 2021May 14, 2021

When I was probably around 5 or 6, I took ballet classes. I’m not sure why my mom signed me up… Could have been because that is what 5 year old girls do, or it could be because my mom saw even then that I was clumsy. While I do remember loving the sky blue ballet shoe box I carried with me to class, I was embarrassed to perform in front of others. Over 40 years later, I still remember that we had a performance scheduled at the mall of all places, and that during practice, I knew then that I would not be at the recital. I did not want people to see me. What if I messed up and people made fun of me? It’s sad to know that a child of that age was already nervous about those things. Anyways, I remember that we went to the mall with my parents and grandparents that weekend and as we passed my class performing the routine, my family knew that I had not told them about the event.

Over 40 years later and this memory still bothers me when it pops up out of the blue. I told them that I forgot when in reality, I was too embarrassed of failing.

All through grade school and even in to Junior High, when I would see girls my age perform at the school talent show, I would watch with envy. Wishing I was one of those girls that had the confidence to perform in front of others, I would turn the music up in my bedroom, and I would dance as if no one was watching, (they weren’t). I went to one practice tryout for my 7th grade drill team… I never went back. What if I wasn’t good enough? At the end of my freshman year of high school, I tried out with my bestfriend for JV cheer. She made it, I didn’t. Two weeks of practice leading up to tryouts and I loved each and every single one. Being part of a team and encouraging each other, I was all about that. Knowing the rules for the sports and when to say which cheer, I had that one nailed. Then it was time to perform in front of a select few BY MYSELF. My confidence standing in front of strangers and having them judge me… Nope. Nerves kicked in and I could not fake that school spirit because I knew then that I would not be good enough.

Then my 20’s appeared and I loved nothing more than a good wedding reception, but I was still worried of being judged. My ex-husband would offer to do the “obligatory dance”, but a lot of times, we sat off to the side watching everyone else enjoy the dance floor. After dancing with family at my mom’s wedding reception to my step-dad, my ex-husband told me I moved my hips too much. Looking back, that is kind of an odd comment from a Latin man that could Salsa with his family at holiday parties… As my marriage ended and my friends and I found out what the clubs in Florida were like, we would dance and dance. “Oh! I love this song! Come on!” It was never with reckless abandon, knowing that I was possibly being judged, but we still had fun singing our favorite lyrics.

As my kids grew up, we would dance around the house, twirling or doing the twist. I am such a believer in music affecting the spirit and I wanted them to realize that they were in a home that was not going to embarrass or judge them because they wanted to wave their arms in the air. In fact, my youngest had certain commercials that would cause him to jump off the couch, do a quick dance routine that was a mix of break dancing and your drunk uncle at a wedding, then sit back down and act like nothing happened. One of my favorite moments with him is when I put in the Glee Christmas CD… Their version of ‘We Need a Little Christmas’, I played it over and over… My youngest son was about 7 and we held hands and danced in a circle jumping and singing, while my 16 year old sat on the stairs staring at us like we were crazy. But, that’s okay because he was also smiling.

The year or so after turning 40, I had a 60 year old social friend and if the music was playing at a bar, she was dancing. At first when we were getting to know her, we would all shake our heads and assume that she had had one too many glasses of cheap wine. We started to see a pattern though… She loved to dance! And she didn’t care who was watching or how she was dancing. Guess what? Other women would go up, by themselves, so they could dance near her and enjoy the moment, also. That was it! She had the confidence! All of these years I had been wistfully watching these types of women that are enjoying the moment… Doing the chicken dance at weddings, dancing up front at a concert in the park, being the first on the dance floor at a club… They were confident enough to enjoy the moment, and not care if they were being judged!

These days, although I am a bit too old to dance in the clubs with the kids that are younger than my son, I still love to dance. Walking in to my house while I’m cleaning, you may find me bebopping my way to the washing machine with a load of towels, or rocking back and forth while rinsing dishes. Driving home from work with a good song playing loud, my hand motions are in sync with the phrase the singer is putting emphasis on. I’ve been known to put my hands in front of me, make small fists, and shake my body, just to make a person smile when a happy dance party song is on.

selective focus photography of smiling woman wearing gray dress dancing

Ear buds in at the gym, I’m not just playing the music to keep me going… I am dancing in my head.

One of my very favorite movies is La La Land… I went to see it TWICE at the movie theater and purchased the Blu-Ray as soon as it came out. But, best of all, not only is there an absolutely amazing soundtrack, there is a FULL sound track that also plays the musical interludes! You know the instrumental music you hear during specific scenes? Yes, they made a two cd sound track that includes all of those and it is like heaven to me! When I hear each, the imagery of the scene is playing in my mind and I wish that we all lived in a world where people broke out in to song and dance at just a random time. Kind of like the movie Grease…. Makes perfectly good sense to me.

Just a few months ago, a friend showed me a video from a couple of years ago, of several of us dancing around to Taylor Swift’s song, “Shake It Off”. I smiled because none of us stopped dancing when we realized he was recording, in fact we were laughing and singing like we were in the video with Taylor. Oh, how I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to “Shake It Off” and just dance! Quit worrying about what people are thinking of you and just dance. But, when you go out to dance at some place, make sure to grab the hand of the wallflower that is watching everyone else dance… She may just be a bit nervous and need an extra dose of encouragement.

graceful dancer performing on street standing in puddle

Tell her with as much warmth and understanding as you can, “When given the chance to dance, always dance.”

Holidays

Planning My Own Birthday Party

March 11, 2021

I’ll be honest… I have a problem celebrating my birthday. It is not due to my age, nor that I am single, or that my family is across the other side of the country. And if you ask me what I want to do for my birthday, I will tell you different ideas and it sounds like we’re all going to have a lot of fun, until the month of my birthday starts. Unfortunately, since my big day is towards the end, I literally have over three weeks to make myself miserable, cancel your plans, and cry.

Why do I dislike celebrating my birthday? Because through the years, I have listened to people talk about the obligation of having to celebrate someone else. When I hear someone grumble about having to go to dinner for a family member’s big day or the hassle of putting together a luncheon for a co-worker, I wonder if that is what is said about me. As I type these words, my heart is pounding and I can feel anxiety forming.

Yet, I love to celebrate other people’s birthdays! To me, it is the one day out of the year that YOU get to feel special. (In the interest of preventing an argument, you should always feel special). On your birthday, if you want to wear a tiara and a sash, I say GO FOR IT! But, there will always be the people that roll their eyes or make snide remarks when a girl walks in with a smile on her face excitedly saying, “It’s my birthday!” I am standing up for them right now and telling you to back off. Let these women have their moments! You do not know what they are going through. This may be the one day of the year that they have decided to set all of their life stresses aside and they just want to relax and enjoy their special day.

Birthdays mean different things to different people – it could be the fact that they are grateful for where they are in life, perhaps it is a reminder of another year that has beaten their self esteem down, some may be thankful that this is a time when all of the family gathers together. I say all of this to get to my point… Sometimes, you have to plan your own birthday party. I am not meaning in the selfish, “No one ever does it how I want it” kind of way, either. Just follow with my thought process and keep and open mind, please.

I’ve recently found the TV Show Blue Bloods on ION tv, and am now a huge fan of the Reagan family with their strong loyalty to each other. In an episode that I watched, Frank Reagan (played by Tom Selleck) has a birthday coming up and it is well known that he has an issue with people acknowledging it, so he asks his father if there was something from his childhood that happened to perhaps make him feel this way.

I want to add some insight right here… The part where he asked his dad such an insightful question, touched me quite a bit, because it showed his vulnerable side. I understand that this is a tv show, but whichever writer came up with that wording, BRILLIANT! I say this because sometimes in large families, children are made fun of on their birthdays, without adults realizing it. Kids ask when they can open their gifts, they open them too fast or too slow, they don’t say thank you long enough, they look embarrassed when people are singing happy birthday, they don’t look overly excited for the clothes…. Let me explain something right here. When kids go to another kids birthday party, one of their favorite things is watching their friends open gifts and seeing all of the cool toys! So, when it’s their own party, imagine the elation at being the one that gets to create this moment for the group of kids waiting to see new toys. Nine-year-old’s are still trying to figure out how to control their excitement so they may not run straight over to you to saying thank you, while the paper is still taped to the box. And honestly, what kid wants clothes except for teenage girls? Not to mention, the worst thing you can do to a person that gets super uncomfortable being in the spotlight (who’s hand is raised here?) is have 20 people sing happy birthday while staring straight at you. That being said, those issues that arise on a child’s birthday when they are chastised for their behavior, particularly in front of others, can carry over in to adulthood, especially when they do not learn how to deal with their own feelings.

Back to Frank Reagan… Through conversation with his dad, he realized that it stemmed from his 9th birthday party, when his dad had bought tickets for all of the boys in his class to go and watch a baseball game. Unfortunately, dad gave the parents the wrong date and none of his friends showed. “Son, this was back before cell phone.” Imagine this 9 year old child thinking that no one wanted to celebrate him… In “current times” on Blue Bloods, after Police Commissioner Reagan’s family sings happy birthday to him and he blows out the candles, he announces that he rented a van and they are all headed to a baseball game. The thrill on everyone’s face was pure joy! One of his children, while smiling, said, “Who plans their own surprise birthday?”, to which he replied, “I did.” I watched this unfold and thought, “THAT IS BRILLIANT!”

Let me explain why… For those of us that get anxious about our birthdays and feel guilt about people being “forced” to celebrate it, we try to plan something that we know people will enjoy. Why? Because we truly appreciate seeing the excitement on other peoples faces, and it takes the stress off so we don’t have to be the center of attention.

If it is my birthday and I tell you that I want to make dinner for YOU, please let me. I don’t want brunch with 15 people and listen to mindless chatter… I would rather have brunch with one or two others and have great conversation. Because it is the one day of the year that I want to set aside my worries, allow myself to be carefree, and not be told that I am selfish for truly enjoying ONE day of the year. The best gift you can give me is to let me say thank you to you for being there for me. Let me show my love for you, and you graciously accept.

If at any time while reading this, you felt like I was speaking directly to you, please go straight to the website’s home page and read my personal disclaimer.

Books

The Dream Daughter, by Diane Chamberlain

July 10, 2020

On Mother’s Day this year, I “forced” my boys to wander the bookstore with me. I say forced because it is not their favorite thing to do because they know it’s going to take awhile. One of them always ends up looking at the stack of books I am holding and says, “Do you really need all of those books or do you just want them?”, to which my reply is always, “Both!” But, they are used to it growing up with a mom that loves to read.

So, there I was with my stack of books trying to figure out which one to read while on vacation. I posted the photo on Instagram and basically explained my dilemma. Yes, I tagged each author’s name, assuming that I would hear from the followers of each person. It is a rather nice selection and I am a fan of each author, which makes it even harder to decide which one I should start with.

Imagine my surprise when I did receive a reply. But, not from a follower, but from one of the actual author’s! Yes, you read that. The actual author of ‘The Dream Daughter’, Diane Chamberlain. Wow! To say that I was thrilled and shocked at the same time may not be a big enough description.

Having no clue what this book was about, I packed it for my vacation. Here’s the thing, I have read enough books and by particular authors that I don’t necessarily even read the description any longer. Sure, I open it just prior to reading to get a feel for it, but I know who I like and what I like.

When Carly Sears, a young woman widowed by the Vietnam war, receives the news that her unborn baby girl has a heart defect, she is devastated. It is 1970, and she is told that nothing can be done to help her child. But her brother-in-law, a physicist with a mysterious past, tells her that perhaps there is a way to save her baby. What he suggests is something that will shatter every preconceived notion that Carly has. Something that will require a kind of strength and courage she never knew existed. Something that will mean an unimaginable leap of faith on Carly’s part.“
via Amazon

I have not read this good of a book in a very long time. Had I been left alone, I would have had it knocked out in a day. But, when you are visiting friends, the whole point is to spend time with them, soooo…. I found time to read while sitting next to the pool or on the outskirts of a group of people. Make sure that your household chores are done because you won’t want to get anything done and your kids might starve. Without giving the plot away, I have to admit that I was addicted to this book and ready to see just what would happen next. It makes you think about life and what you would do in that situation ~ Do you do as you are expected or do you take that chance?

Thank you to Diane Chamberlain for suggesting I read her book first. The Dream Daughter was excellent and I simply fell in love with these characters!

Advice Column

I had a baby and lost my social friends…

June 17, 2020

DEAR ABBY: I recently welcomed my third child, a baby boy who was wanted and planned. We are overjoyed. Our two daughters are just under 10 years old. Over the years, my social circle has consisted mostly of the parents of my daughters’ friends.

Abby, my news was met with mixed reactions. Some were thrilled for my pregnancy, while others were shocked. One woman even told me, “I’m just not in that phase of life anymore.”

After my son was born, I didn’t get visits or even a phone call from some of them. I announced his birth on social media and mailed out a beautiful announcement, but he hasn’t been acknowledged nor have I been checked on.

I know he won’t really be affected by this and I’m trying to focus on the positives. We have a big family on both sides, and many people within our community have warmly welcomed him. But I have been a good friend to these women, supported them in their times of need and even reached out during this pandemic to check on them in an effort to reconnect. I’m so disappointed. What am I supposed to say to these “friends” when I run into them again? — NEW MOM AGAIN

DEAR MOM: When you encounter them, be cordial. Make polite conversation and ask how they and their families are doing. If they inquire, tell them you and your family are well. Then move on, recognizing you are dealing with individuals who are solely centered upon themselves. Do not attempt to revive a relationship with anyone who cares so little about you that they would treat you as they have, but do recognize how fortunate you are that you know not to invest more of your time or yourself in them.

Years ago, my friend Dawn found out she was pregnant and Ann and I were not sure how to react. Although we were truly happy for her, we knew that life was going to be different now that she was pregnant and would have to focus her time on a newborn. Well, Ann was the one that actually said the words, and I don’t blame her; she was being honest to someone we thought was a true friend. Ann wasn’t calling off the friendship, she was simply stating that things were going to be different. Dawn did not react well to this, assuming the worse and wrote us both off via a worded letter. It is not that we were upset that she was having a child, especially since I had a 5 year old, we knew that our bar hopping days were over for the time being, and that was fine. I think what really hit Dawn is that SHE KNEW her life was going to be different and took her frustration out on us. Months later, Dawn did reach out to me and we were friends for another 15 years or so. The funny thing is, when I found myself pregnant a few years later (SURPRISE!), Ann did not walk away from me. We discussed how life was going to be different and I was willing to admit it. In fact, she was there for the birth of Daniel and we’re still friends, all these years later. Dawn was also a constant in that child’s life and since I had never planned on having another after my first, she ‘got back at me’ with things I did to her baby (buying noisy toys, putting extra spaghetti sauce on a two year old’s plate… Those kinds of silly things.) What I’m saying is this… If you are talking about friendS as in plural, are these your social friends or your close friends. Because close friends realize that this is our life and how we grow. Social friends, you have added a new element and they just don’t want to deal with it. Is it right? Well, realize this… They were not your good friends. They enjoy life with being able to let 10 year old’s run around in the back yard and although they are being watched, they are kind of on their own. A newborn… Life is completely different and they just don’t want to deal with that. And be honest… What was your reaction when they gave you their opinion? Were you being a good friend and listening to what they were saying and having an open conversation, or did you immediately JUMP at them when they were discussing their feelings? Maybe they needed some time to warm up to the excitement. So, here is what you do… Realize that they were just social friends. Find your true friends and focus on them because they are what matters. Focus on friends that are going through what you are with an infant because those are the ones that can relate to your late night feedings, spit up on your shirt, teething… Real friends are those that WANT to hear your stories, not just head out to brunch.

God

The Five Finger Prayer

June 13, 2020

Fifteen years ago, I was telling a good friend of the prayer we would say for Daniel’s dad each night (he was Active Duty military and deployed to the desert)… “Dear God, Please watch over my daddy because we love him and we miss him.” From there, my sweet boy would add in anyone else he thought needed to be prayed for. Sometimes, it would take awhile as he was trying to delay bedtime. Or, perhaps… God put it in to his heart that these random people needed to be prayed for. While talking about this with my friend, she told me of the ‘Five Finger Prayer’ that her devout Catholic mother taught her as a child, and she had passed to her own children. I remember thinking how clever it was to have this reminder and printed out an example, to hang on my refrigerator. I came across it the other day and felt compelled to share the idea behind, ‘The Five Finger Prayer’.

First, begin your prayers with your thumb which is closest to your body. Your thumb represents your family and your friends ~ those closest to you. But, also pray for your enemies, for they affect your attitude towards your loved ones.

The next finger is your pointing finger. Pray for those that teach, instruct, and heal, such as teachers, ministers, and medical personnel.

The middle finger is the tallest and represents our leaders. Pray for our country and world leaders, business leaders, and even boss / co-workers.

Surprisingly, our ring finger is the weakest of all. You can never pray enough for those that are sick, or in trouble. Praying for those around us is a way of serving, which is an important part of our purpose.

By the time that we get to the pinky, which represents YOU, your prayers for others will have helped with the perspective of your thought process. You will be able to pray with a clear mind as you thank God for the blessings in your life, admit your struggles, and ask for guidance.

I like to think of the Five Finger Prayer as a way to ensure that I remember specific groups of people, even some that I wouldn’t remember in my daily prayers. For ease in teaching younger children about it, there are several coloring sheets that can be used, if you search google. Why not use this as a way to prove that power of prayer can help to change the world and our hearts.

Health & Spiritual

It’s time to pick your own lane…

June 3, 2020June 3, 2020

Have you ever been driving behind a car for awhile and all of a sudden, you realize that your movements mimic theirs? They move a little to the left, so do you. They veer slightly to the right, you lean to the right. They speed up, your right foot presses the gas a bit. Over and over we do this, often times without realizing.

This was apparent to me while driving to the grocery store after work. I was stuck behind a vehicle that had very exaggerated movements. Turning from Main Street at the traffic light to a side road… He swung wide, I swung wide. Same thing at the roundabout… He went wide, I went wide. With another wide turn in to the parking lot, I giggled when I realized how I was mimicking his driving. Then it’s as if a light bulb flickered inside my brain and I thought, “Is this what we do in life… Mimic those around us?”

My brother’s words from my early driving days came back to me… “You’re like that song, ‘Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this rig around…’ but you don’t drive a big rig, you drive a small Honda.” In my defense, I had grown up around people that drove pickup trucks so that’s how I honestly thought you turned around… Big wide turns!

Isn’t this what life is sometimes like? Is it perhaps ingrained in to our minds that we are supposed to act a certain way because it fits the status quo? For instance, we should peel a banana fully before eating, only use a certain brand of detergent, always tuck the bottom part of the flat sheet in… When do we stand up and say, “No! I like to only peel the part that I am taking a bite out of, I prefer All over Tide detergent, and I like my sheets untucked!”?

How many of you heard the phrase from your parents regarding your up to no good friends, “If they jumped off a bridge, would you?” Sure, it’s a question, but they weren’t really expecting an answer. Because if we did answer, we would dutifully hang our head and say the obligatory, “No”. (By the way, you get extra points if you said m’am or sir after telling them your answer.) But, in our heads, as the inexperienced children we were, our brain was yelling, “Yes! Because these are my best friends and they will do anything for me!” (You get extra points here if you have ever said this to your own children because now you know better. Ha!)

Now that we are adults, who are we still following behind in traffic? Is it your significant other that tries to makes you realize it’s just easier to go along with their opinion? What about the friend that makes you feel guilty if you don’t feel like painting the town red on a Friday night? Let’s add in the co-worker that always seems to act a bit superior towards your differing work loads. And then there’s the school parents that belittle you for not wanting to take part in the newest fundraiser.

It is time that we learn to drive our own way. Choose a lane and stay in it! As women, we have a lot of life experience. We know how to make choices, we know what type of wine we prefer (Pinot Noir girl here!), we know how to prioritize work, and we know how we like our coffee. So, why would we let someone else dictate our lane? It’s time we speak up and take responsibility for our own lives. Is the person in front of you driving too fast… Then slow down. Weaving in and out of traffic… STAY IN YOUR LANE! Drive at the speed you need to and enjoy the scenery IN FRONT OF YOU.

Ironically enough, while in the store thinking about these things and pushing my cart down an aisle, I was busy looking over to the side and a nice looking distraction caught my eye… Bam! There went my cart right in to the corner of a cookie display. The light bulb in my mind didn’t just flicker… It was as if a brand new stop light had just been installed.

Although those cookies really did look good, I’m trying to be healthy, so I fixed the display and moved along. I made a choice. I left the cookies and went to find the bug spray (trying to get some yard work done and the mosquito’s are just crazy right now). Don’t start looking around while driving, wondering what is out there. Pull over to the side and decide what path you want to take.

We all have choices to make in life. Sometimes we do need guidance, especially when visiting a new place. But, this is our life and it is time we took it back. We can give our opinion and speak up on the way that we expect to be treated. We can choose to stay home on a Friday night and binge chick flicks. We can choose to better ourselves and live a life that WE are proud of!

I am giving you permission to stop, decide if you want to take the scenic route. You don’t have to go in the direction you have always been heading, following someone else, the one they say is the best. Look around, which direction do YOU want to try? Because girl, I am telling you… YOU ARE WORTH IT! Now, buckle your seat belt, put your sunglasses on, and turn your blinker to the direction you want to go!

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