Love (or lack thereof) – Swimming With The Rain

Are dogs treated better than people?

May 15, 2023

Random thoughts pop in to my head. Not sure if you are like this. Today’s random thought… Do we treat dogs better than some people?

Let’s think about it this way… We all see the videos about dogs in shelters and it just breaks our hearts when they are aggressive or scared. (We’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin stuff here, because that will make me want to cry.)

During the video, we hear a voice explaining about their first time meeting the scraggly dog… how timid Fido is, how the previous owner didn’t treat them well, finally abandoned because they were not loved.

Oh, how our hearts break while we watch this scared dog with visible scars being lifted in to the vehicle to be taken to their “furever home”. Some videos show how the owners worked with the dog for quite awhile to develop trust, reassuring the pup that they are loved, that they won’t be beaten or left without food.

By the end of the video, we see the dog happy and giving lots of kisses and snuggled up to the one that saved them. We wipe away a stray tear or two and post it on facebook saying, “I’m not crying, you’re crying.” We root for these neglected animals and we want them to feel all the love in the world.

But, what about people? What about the person that has been neglected? What about the person that has been told time and time again that they are unlovable, that they are not wanted, left to fend for themselves… I’m not talking about the homeless people (just like we’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin).

Why do we not have patience with people when they are struggling? Why do we not show them the same compassion?

We walk past the downhearted, referring to them as difficult to deal with, a bitch, selfish, not worth the time. Or we give them one shot, only to decide it’s just too much time to invest. People, just like dogs, do not heal instantly. When you tell a dog, “I will take care of you and love you forever”, do they instantly feel better? No. So, why do we expect people to feel better after we tell them this once?

I hope that if you ever deal with someone that feels unloved, you will have the same patience with them as you do a dog that needs your love.

That’s it. I just wanted to put this thought in to words and reflect on it some more.

Crash My Party by Luke Bryan

March 24, 2023

Every time this song comes on, I remember back to 2013 when it first came out. I told a male friend of mine how I thought it was kind of romantic. As the man that he is, he told me that it was a “bootie call” song. To this day, I still disagree with him.

Some will say it is stereotypical country and they refuse to listen…

Some diehard country fans will refer to it as “Bro-Country” and they’re not fans of the new stuff…

woman in purple sweater using a smartphone

Then there are those like me that find meanings in songs and drift away in to our own thoughts thinking about it.

“It don’t matter what plans I got, I can break ’em
Yeah, I can turn this thing around at the next red light
And I don’t mind telling all the guys “I can’t meet ’em”
Hell, we can all go raise some hell on any other night”

What girl doesn’t want a guy looking at her, basically saying, YOU ARE MY PRIORITY! He is telling her that no matter what, he will drop every thing and go to her. Here’s the important part – he will not make her feel guilty about it.

“If it’s 2 in the morning and you’re feeling lonely and wondering what I’m doing….

Go ahead and call me, call me, call me you don’t have to worry ’bout it baby
You can wake me up in the dead of the night, wreck my plans, baby that’s alright”

As a woman that has been through relationships and never truly made to feel like a priority, this is what I would want to hear from a man. He is allowing her to be her. He knows that she has an independent soul, and he gives her the space that she needs, but makes sure that she knows, he is always there for her.

The next time you hear the song, listen to it with that thought in mind…

If you’ve never heard it, google the song and watch the video. Not only is the very handsome Luke Bryan in the song, but so is his wife. If it was about “bootie calls”, would he really have her in there? I think not.

Men, make sure your woman knows that she is your priority.

That you will give up plans with your friends to be with her…

That she can call you at 2am to talk…

And women… If your man doesn’t agree with this, leave him and make your self a priority.

Ending 2020 With A First Date

February 13, 2021

I had a first date on New Years Eve. But, why is this such a big deal, you may wonder. Plenty of people have dates NYE. Well, being that I haven’t had a date in 2 1/2 years… I like to think it’s because it’s because I made a choice to not date until I moved away from Florida. Then again, it could be because I have a tendency to take an interest in emotionally unavailable men. No, not the married ones. Just the ones that aren’t ready for relationships. Wow! Feels almost liberating to admit that. Anyways, on to my date.

Probably need to add in the other detail about not dating until I left Florida. I knew in my heart in 2018 that I would start my plan to move to Indiana within the next couple few years. Was I really wanting to date someone in Florida knowing that if I fell for them, it could ruin my future plans? I made 2019 all about spending time with my friends and enjoying the single life. So much so that it wore me down by 2020… Probably a good sign.

I have a tendency to refer to dates with “code names”. There was the gay guy, catastrophic adjuster guy, southern boy… You get it. This one is “Train Guy” since he is some kind of Electrical Engineer for the Rail Road.

How do you line up a date in 2020 when you have just moved to a new state, Covid is in full force, and you’re not one to sit at a bar and wait for Mr. Right Now to buy you a drink… Bumble! So, it’s kind of a cool dating site because only women can start the conversation. That doesn’t mean there aren’t creeps… I have been offered to join a marital bed, been told sizes, and asked how I feel about cuddling and showing affection. But, you weed through, have a bit of a conversation, and take a chance.

FYI – If you’re a man and you start your dating profile off with, “My kids are my everything!”, I will move on! Your kids should be your focus, but if you have to admit it, you’re just trying to prove that to yourself. Also, my uncle told me when I was 15, “If a guy has to say that he’s not a pig, he usually is.”

Back to Train Guy… He was actually the first one I started chatting with. We’d chat every so often, nothing major. But, the conversation weaned off when my son was in town, and obviously, he was my focus. A couple weeks pass by and I get a Merry Christmas message and I replied back with the same but no response. Moving on to a Dax Shepard podcast (Armchair Expert – my favorite!) There is a segment with 10 parts about Monica and her getting advice on her dating life. She’s pretty reserved so one of her challenges was to just hand her name and number to someone that she felt a connection with. Hmmm…. I have never done that before. You mean, I should try and put myself out there? And then it clicked. I sent him a message with my phone number and said if it’s easier to communicate that way… Guess what! It was!

We texted briefly throughout the day and he asked if I’d like to meet sometime. I told him that that sounded like a great idea and then he suggested we actually talk on the phone. What?!? So 1990’s! haha If you haven’t dated in awhile, let me explain something… The sound of a voice can make a difference. Have you seen the movie Grown Ups? Remember the scene where the moms are sitting at the water park checking out the hot life guard and when he walks up, his voice sounds like he had just sucked the helium out of the balloon? Luckily, Train Guy had a nice voice and we chatted for about an hour, comparing notes on what we thought of the area (he just moved here, too), and how much he loved Florida. I asked him what his job was and he said that it is hard to explain, but if I’ll meet him for dinner the next night, he’ll explain. I asked if it involved salt and pepper shakers, to which he laughed and said, “Maybe.”

Since I haven’t been on a date in years, I wasn’t sure what to wear. Do I want to impress the guy? Sure! Do I want to look like a floozy? Goodness, no! I texted my good friend, Jenn, for her input and I was lucky enough that her husband threw his in, too… “Straight hair, jeans, white button-up shirt.” Since I don’t own a white button-up shirt and I felt too fat for jeans, I compromised… Straight hair, black leggings, loose brown sweater. Here is why… I decided that I was going to go with what I felt confident in because that is what matters, confidence!

Luckily, he looked like his photos and it was an enjoyable evening. I kept it to one glass of wine while he drank iced tea. (There was a possibility of having to get called in to work due to an impending ice storm.) I already had a feeling that he was somewhat shy, so as soon as we sat down, I handed him the salt and pepper shakers and asked him to tell me about his job. For three hours, we sat across from each other, but I realized later, I didn’t do much talking. If there was ever a lull in conversation and I would look at him, he had a smile on his face and a “smitten” look in his eye. The problem is, I wasn’t giving him back that smitten look.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the evening. Dinner was nice, atmosphere was quite relaxing, the glass of wine deserved to be drank twice, conversation was even enjoyable. What I realized is that we were just having surface conversation and I was asking all of the questions. No, I don’t need to know all about your childhood trauma or reason for divorcing on the first date. But, what I have learned in my years of experience is that I am not a surface level conversation type of gal; I want to know what makes you click.

We texted off and on for the next week or so and he really is a nice guy. Train Guy is one that I would call to go have a beer with, or go walk trails with. Something where maybe there doesn’t have to be a lot of conversation because he does put off a rather calm and peaceful vibe.

Flash forward a month later and I join a hiking facebook group and ask a question about starter trails in the area. Guess who likes my post and friend requests me… Train Guy. So, we know how to find each other but neither of us have reached out and I am perfectly ok with that. He really was a nice guy and a perfect gentleman (made my mother happy) but I didn’t feel like he would be one to appreciate my spontaneity or upbeat mood. I get the feeling he is kind of Eeyorish and maybe he needs someone like me to put a spark in him… Notice I said “someone like me” and not me…

I put a hold on this online dating thing for a bit. I ended up with covid and since I didn’t have anything else to do for 9 days except lay there and think, I realized that I am happy being alone. I’m not ready to give up my evenings of reading after work, or waking up at 6am on Saturday and going to the gym. Would I like someone to go and grab a beer with if the mood strikes? Sure. I’ll tell you what… When my shelf of unread books is empty, I’ll try this dating thing again.

Now every time I hear a train, it’s not him that I think about… I think about how I am strong enough to give myself a chance.

In The Moment

August 16, 2020

The power of a look. How can a look say so much? We look people in the eyes every day, but when there is a certain glance… Across a room, in the mirror, when looking up from reading… So much is said, it’s as if you can read that person’s mind. A slight touch when passing by… Why do people take this for granted? Do they not feel someones finger tips brush their arm… Can they not feel the warmth that is passed through the skin… What about the butterflies when you can feel the person near but not touching… The stolen kisses in a doorway on a crowded street. The sense of belonging to each other for just a short amount of time… Knowing that this is it. This is the only time that we will have. Living in the moment.

There will be certain things and places that you will never look at the same again ~ a particular meal, a sweet tasting wine, the faded blanket, hint of cologne, a rain drenched car… All of these will bring back a feeling and you will sit. And you will smile. And you will remember the feeling of enjoyment. You will remember briefly the intensity of the eyes that sparkle with life and burn with desire at the same time. You will remember the touch that felt like you couldn’t let go. The hand that felt like a feather as it brushed the hair away from your face…

Go ahead, remember the first kiss that was so light and soft where your breath was taken away, knowing in that instant, you could have fallen in love… Instead, we didn’t.

We look back with fond memories that pop up at the oddest of times… A song on the radio that isn’t even about love, yet it serves as a reminder of the laughing and smiling, a moment that just the two of us shared. Leaning back in your chair at work looking out the window and a certain vehicle drives by, and you will remember… Just for a moment.

I’m glad that I had this chance, just for a moment, to feel delicate, beautiful, smart, sexy, like I could move mountains… All of this because of the way you looked at me. Keep that look. Look at me again one day, just like that. And smile. Smile at the memories that were made. Don’t have any regrets. We lived in the moment…

Valentine’s Day love notes never sent…

June 27, 2020

My plan leading up to that Valentine’s Day was to give him a bunch of random song lyrics, all in a red box. Some of the phrases were from songs that played in the background, others were from ones that I came across while flipping radio stations while driving, with him on my mind. It wasn’t that all of these songs were about those lovey dovey moments, because we really didn’t have those, it was about the time spent together. But, with all of my “love stories”, this one did not have a happy ending.

I came across the bag the other day with my final letter and the notes, still folded in half. Although I had read the letter to him, I never handed it over, and actually omitted parts of it while reading with controlled emotions. And now, I sit on my bed with these notes, still perfectly folded in half, and read each one aloud… I am realizing that some of the lyrics weren’t necessarily about him, but about me and the struggles that I was going through in my life at that time. Each one has given a me smile, sometimes a reflective pause, taking me back to a moment, where I was filled with so much confusion, but a love for the life we shared then. So, here are the quotes and lyrics… If YOU are reading this, thanks for the memories!

To the things I believe in… My faith, your love, our freedom. To the things I can count on, To keep me going strong… Yeah, I hold on.

Like the stripes to the flag, like a boy to his dad… I can’t change who I am, right or wrong… So I hold on.

I bet that your neighbors hate us, ’cause we could laugh all night, and never sleep.

There’ll be days your heart don’t wanna beat, you pray more than you breathe.

I hope that you see right through my walls.

I wish nothing but the best for you…

I wouldn’t trade one memory, because you mean too much to me.

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

It will all get better in time…

Never had much faith in love… or miracles.

Walking between raindrops, riding the aftershock with you…

I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again.

I’ve been sleep walking, been wandering all night… Trying to take what’s lost and broke and make it right.

I love this life.

I don’t wanna steal your freedom, I don’t wanna change your mind.

I swear you hit me like a vision, I wasn’t expecting, but who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go…

It’s good to be alive… Right about now!

You could’ve rolled your eyes, told me to go to hell… Could’ve walked away. But, you’re still here, and I’m still here.

Come on over… I like the sound of that.

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart… It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun.

Got a feeling that I’m going under… But I know that I’ll make it out alive.

I just wanna sing a little chill song, get my groove on…

Say you’ll remember me, standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset…

Make it up as we go along.

A big ol’ couch in a big ol’ room, still feels lonely when it’s just you.

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

Under the light of a thousand stars…

Words you wanna take back… But you know you can’t.

And his voice is a familiar sound.

Oh, I know that I don’t need a whole lot of anything… I just want a little bit of everything.

Well, the trouble with up… Is there’s always a down.

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Said I’ll always be a friend. Took an oath, I’m gonna stick it out ’til the end…

Thinking out loud…

And the crowds don’t remember my name…

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell…

So this is what you meant, when you said you were spent…

I thought I’d been hurt before, but no one has left me quite this sore.

Get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.

We’ve come a long way from where we began…

Please don’t stand so close to me, I’m having trouble breathing… I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now…

I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.

I need someone to breathe me back to life.

I don’t ever want to let you down.

The sun is filling up the room, And I can hear you dreaming…

And light it up like it’s our last chance.

Well, there it is. I’ll be throwing away the hand written notes that serve as a reminder of feelings that went beyond my control. But the letter… I’ll keep that as a memento of that season of my life. Some memories I will cherish, while others, I will hide down deep. I do know this, I learned a lot about my relationship needs during those months ~ I need a man that will keep me laughing, have long conversations, is capable of household repairs, makes me feel sexy, trusts me with his secrets… Now I just need to find all of that and be willing to let him know my story… And if he can still love me after all of that, plus make me feel loved without any confusion, I will have found the one.

Falling in love…

June 5, 2020

I see a woman that by merely walking in to a room, her presence is noticed. Not by her height alone, which she accentuates with heels, but with her vibrancy and her hand held out to introduce herself. She is confident and will speak her mind. Power is something that she holds in the palm of her hand. But, I know her secret. It is something that her and I share. We are afraid of giving up that power to have feelings for someone else – to fall in love.

We ask ourselves where we stand. Yet it is evident in the small actions – the phone calls that we receive, the delivered flowers, the love notes via email. We know exactly where we stand, yet we wonder and we want answers. Should we ask? And when we ask, will our thoughts of perfection end in ruins as our feelings of amazement escape us? Do we want to see this perfect specimen become a human being as we hear their feelings vocalized? When finally sharing our fears with the other and we hear that of course they find us amazing, what is the next step?

To know the power of someone wanting us is energetic. With this sense of empowerment, we feel in control of our destiny and guide along as we wish. Yet, when the tables are turned and we find ourselves losing the control, we are scared. This is when I personally will call it a day and walk so as not to get hurt. I do not want to share my feelings because by doing this, I am allowing you, almost single handedly, to affect my mood and my thoughts. As long as I am the one that leaves you wanting more, I am confident in my purpose and can plan the upcoming journey.

We are afraid of rejection. By admitting that our thoughts focus on another and not knowing our place, we are allowing this person to take charge of our inner most peace of mind. We become afraid to disagree with a decision or to even state what we truly desire for fear that with out their approval, they may not see us as the perfect person that we have been striving to appear as. We will begin to analyze all steps – was there an underlying message in this conversation? The way he held his arm and had his leg crossed – did that body gesture relate to something? What about the way he was concentrating on the road – maybe he was thinking about how life would be better without me.

This is where we have to stand up and act as our own person. Falling in love is wonderful and I recommend it to everyone. Yet, it is overwhelming with all the emotions that circulate through our mind and how they affect our smile. How do we regain control of our own thoughts and feel comfortable with knowing that someone desires us as much we desire them? Where are the comfortable boundaries?

This last question, I cannot completely answer. I do not allow anyone past a certain point in my emotional self. I will not give that control to have an effect in my life and leave myself open to daydreams and heartache. Is this healthy? Of course not. Yet, it is who I am. It is the person that I have created to protect myself from feeling alone. As my cousin once told me, it is more lonely to be with someone and feel alone than to be alone without someone.

One day, I may overcome these feelings and be ready to reach out. Until then, I am content to enjoy my life, myself. I enjoy my thoughts uninterrupted with feelings of inadequacy, anger and even jealousy at another’s confidence to live their life as they please. I do not wonder where I fit in and what our future holds. Reading a book in silence and becoming lost in the story is something that I enjoy and I appreciate being able to grab my keys and leave without having to check with another. I do as I please.

Yet, sometimes I wonder whom I will call when life has turned upside down and I need someone to cheer for just me. Will someone be there to hold my hand when I receive unexpected news? In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, as evident by this 3am typing, will there be a hand to reach out and hold to give me comfort?

So, I say go for it. Go for the love and enjoy what you have in this moment. When will you feel again as you are feeling now with the sunshine so warm and the breeze blowing through your hair? Concentrate on the soft kisses and revel in the joyous thought that someone, right now, sees you as near perfect. Do not ask what the next step is. Let it be a surprise that comes wrapped in a bow that is to be opened with a rainbow as it shines even more light in to your life. Experience the first few moments of new love.

He’s not MY boy any longer

June 1, 2020

My boy turned 25 today. Well, he’s no longer my boy. Actually, he was never MY boy. He belonged to his mother. But, I had a piece of his heart for over four years.

When I first met Carson, his dad and I had been dating for just over a year. The kids had figured out that something was up and a relative let them know that their dad had been dating someone. I think I was more nervous to meet the kids than I was for the first date with their dad. Walking in to meet them for the first time, I never knew that I would become such a big part of their lives.

Glenn told me how friendly Carson was and was just sure that we would hit it off the first night. Boy, did he get that one wrong.

I walked in and this 11 year old that still wore baby fat with a layer of expensive name brand clothes, just looked at me. He politely shook my hand, when his father told him to, then went and sat on the couch. Luckily, there was the dog, a boxer named Max. I told people after that whole encounter that the only one that truly liked me in that house for awhile was Max. Ha! Max came and sat on the floor next to me, and I just kept petting his head, just to have something to do with my hands. Carson tried to head upstairs to his room but his dad told him to stay in the living room. I asked questions about sports, school, you name it. I mean, I had a 12 year old, I can relate to pre-teen boys! Well, Carson decided that if he had to stay in the living room, the easiest way to not look at me was to put a blanket over his whole body, including his head. What in the world had I gotten myself in to? When I drove away, I was so close to texting his dad and saying, “Your kids won.”

A few weeks later, I invited all of them over to my house for dinner, along with some other friends. I figured this would be an easy time for the kids as there would be plenty to do and it wouldn’t seem like forced “family time”. I’ll never forget that just before we sat down to eat, Glenn grabbed his keys and said he was running to McDonald’s. “Why?” I asked. “Well, Carson said he doesn’t like enchilada’s.” I looked around for Carson but didn’t see him. “When did he tell you this?” “Well, he texted me.” “From upstairs?” There was a nod… “Has he ever had them?” Shake of the head… “Tell that boy to try them and if he doesn’t like them, I will go and get him McDonald’s.” Flash forward a couple weeks later and I’m out at his house when some friends come over… “This is my dad’s girlfriend and she makes the BEST enchiladas!” That kind of became our thing… If I was trying to figure out what to make for dinner, he’d wink and say, “You know what I want”. A few years later, he met my mom and while hugging her, he said, “Thank you for teaching your daughter how to make the best enchiladas ever!” By that age, he had started to perfect his charm.

Carson always had a charm to him. He knew how to shake his dad’s friends hands and talk sports, he would hug the friend’s wives when they came over and compliment them on their hair or team shirt (sports was big in that house), he would take the kids and jump in to the pool with them… He was growing in to the young man that we all wish our sons to be but know that they are the ones that will seduce our daughters.

For his birthday one year, after the football team won a National Championship, I made him a tied fleece blanket. Not hard to make, just a bit time consuming. But, if anyone was going to appreciate this blanket, it was going to be him. I special ordered the fleece with his teams logo for one side, then did the other in a matching color. I don’t know whose eyes were bigger, Carson or his dad’s, when he opened it. However, I very rarely saw him with it. I asked him why and he told me he was afraid it would get dirty or someone else in the house (eyes on his dad) would snag it. “Then where is it?” “It’s in my closet. I pull it out when I want it.” You see, the boy had a lock on his closet door because his brother used to steal his nice clothes and either disappear with them or leave them with food stains.

Carson knew how to appreciate being in the moment… He used to run around chasing my 4 year old son, telling him that there was a monster in the closet, while my son would squeal with laughter. He’d tell the little one, “You want to see where my dad hides the cookies?” There was one particular evening where it was just Glenn and I with his boys. Carson convinced us that we should go to the movies since there was a new one with Mark Wahlberg in it. First, we went to dinner and grabbed burgers. His dad stepped out to take a call so I paid the bill. Carson looked at me with surprise and then said, “That’s cool of you to do that.” The movie ended up being awful (“The Happening”) but he got a kick out of seeing me jump and scream at one point.

With his charm, came a sneaky side that his dad seemed to never notice. One time, I googled his name to figure out what he was doing on social media and there was a video of him on youtube jumping from the one story part of the house IN TO THE POOL!!! Cautiously, I brought it up to his dad, asking if the kids have ever thought of doing stupid things when we’re not there, like jumping from the fence or rooftop. My “innocent” question was met with, “Of course not. He’s smarter than that.” Anyways, we’re all relaxing in the pool and there’s Carson with his charming ways asking his dad if he thinks it’s possible to jump from the first story in to the pool, his dad starts telling him something about ratio, gravity, blah blah blah. But, I see the twinkle in Carson’s eyes… “Sweetie, hand me my phone so I can look up youtube videos of this type of stupidity.” Head hung down, he says, “Never mind.” I smiled and said, “Don’t ever think I can’t find things out.”

Once he got his drivers license, he knew that I wasn’t the one to throw his charm at any longer. He’d come home shortly after 11 on a Friday night after working at a restaurant, shower, come downstairs and then announce, “Hey, I’m going to go and pick Cody up so he can stay the night.” My standard reply, “Nothing good happens after 11. And technically, according to the fine state we live in, you can’t drive after 11.” He tried the line of, “Well, I can if I’m coming home after work.” Back to me looking him up and down, “You sure smell good for working at a restaurant.” You see, I have this theory… Teenagers are not trustable. How do I know this? I was one.

And then, Carson had a girlfriend. No big deal, right? He’s 16 and not my son. Parental mode kicked in when I saw that he was shy about introducing me to her. With a name like Mary Kate and looking like a nice wholesome girl, what’s not to love? Perhaps the way she stared at my boy like only a teenage girl that is feeling that first love feel can. And also the way that her hair was disheveled when they came downstairs to watch a football game with us… (Don’t even get me started on Glenn allowing them to be upstairs in the room together.) While cooking dinner one evening, he came by to look over my shoulder (when did the kid get tall enough to do that?) and I very calmly said, “Make good decisions. Do not make me call your dad Grandpa yet.” He laughed and with all of his charm said, “And what will you be called?” Looking him right in the eye, I said, “Prisoner 643429”. His smile kind of faded as he said, “Yes, m’am”.

As I said, sports were BIG in that house. And I mean big. His dad had season tickets to their favorite college football team and I went once or twice a year with him, the kids went the others. But, there was one rivalry game that I had been wanting to go to so bad. Carson sent me a text one evening and said, “For your birthday, I’m giving up my seat to you since I know you’ve been wanting to go.” Oh, my heart!!! He was going to miss out on one of the biggest games just to let me go! This game had been on my dream list of being able to say, “I remember that game. I was there!” But, in my heart of hearts, I knew that it wasn’t in me to take away their yearly tradition. Did I want to go? You better believe it! Do I regret my decision? Not in the least. I had the chance but I knew the memories of him going with his dad would make my soul happy.

There are so many articles about how to deal with a breakup and what emotions you will feel, when its time to move on, how to learn from your mistakes. But, what they don’t teach you is what happens when you lose the kids, also. I’m not here to teach you how to move past it, because I don’t know. All I know is that when I think of that time in my life, I think of them as my kids and I remember that one special boy that had a piece of my heart.

About 6 months after the breakup, I was at the gym and I felt someone watching me, I turned around and there was Carson. We hugged and he told me how his Senior year of highschool was going. My boy, growing up. When he graduated, I received an announcement in the mail. Knowing I wasn’t going to attend, I sent him a check with a card telling him how proud I was of him and I received a thank you card which he personalized with kind words; somewhere I still have it. I pull up his facebook every now and then just to make sure he is doing well. He finished college, still has the dimple, a twinkle in his eye, and is ending up with his dad’s hairline. And you better believe that if I ever run in to him again, he will get a big momma hugg from me!

2012 – My heart is breaking

May 27, 2020May 31, 2020

In the early spring of 2012, my boyfriend and I were coming to an end and my heart was just breaking. Instead of texting him or bothering any of my friends with what was going through my mind after 5 1/2 years of being with this man, I typed it all in to the notes section of my phone.

March 3rd, 10:16pm ~ Saturday night and I think I am doing a good job keeping myself busy. But, you are crossing my mind. This is when I have to be strong and remember that those three little words can be spoken, but unless there is action, those words don’t mean anything. And I know that you love me, but I don’t know if it is out of habit or if you truly do. I wonder how far you will go to prove your love. I just want you to be with me. More than in just presence, but to truly be WITH me. I want to be your friend and your support, and I want to feel like you are listening, not looking around elsewhere, making me feel like you are waiting for some better conversation to come along.

March 4th, 1:47pm ~ I feel like I am hurting. Not to sit and cry. I feel like something is missing. I am here at my son’s first baseball game and you are supposed to be with me. We are supposed to be a part of each others lives. But, honestly, I don’t feel like you would be here anyways, and if you were, I wouldn’t enjoy myself because I would be so worried if you were bored or not.

March 5th, 10:16pm ~ I feel good right now. I felt good today. I think it helped that Kelly wasn’t at work today so I stayed extremely busy. I did think of you when the boss and I went to lunch. We went to Ocean Cafe for lunch and it was such a beautiful day! At one point, I saw your client, Michael Fisher walking through looking for someone. I don’t know if he saw me or not, but I knew that if he was waiting on you perhaps, I wasn’t sure how I would handle that. I put away that thought and told myself I would deal with that if it happened. I met the girl that John is taking to Prom. Something was said and I said something about you and realized that I said boyfriend. What was I to say with him sitting there? I haven’t said anything to him. I just need to get out of the habit of talking about or referring to you.

March 12th, 3:06pm ~ I left work on Friday to run home and grab some xanax. I couldn’t deal with the pain / anxiety anymore. Friday was rough. Too many songs on the radio that had me thinking and remembering. Sunday was hard. I contemplated going walking on a nature trail. I was going to tell you I was going and if you would like to meet me so we could talk, that would be fine. I was more afraid of you coming up with an excuse than not knowing if you would show. Sad, huh? I ended up sending you a text asking how you were doing and you seemed to care less. After my doctor appointment today, I should have been texting you to tell you what he said, and then I realized that it wouldn’t even make a difference to you. You won’t change. Maybe for someone else, but not for me. All you see in our relationship is the bad. You don’t see the good or even remember how you used to enjoy spending time with me. How we used to have lunch or go grocery shopping. How you used to come over and we wold actually laugh and play the Wii. You blame not doing anything on being in a rut. Well, you can’t come out of a rut by not doing anything. But, if that is really how you want to enjoy life, laying alone on the couch, I hope you find that person that will do that with you. I want to enjoy life; not my couch.

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