Health & Spiritual – Swimming With The Rain

Am I Hypersensitive?

June 2, 2023

My therapist brought this up during my Day 5 conversation with her and then on Day 6. Knowing that someone has finally validated that I am sensitive has a calming effect, and now that I know what to look out for, I can be more aware of my reactions. As my therapist said, my reactions lead to a lot of irrational thinking and I begin to believe these negative thoughts.

Below are questions that are used to determine Hypersensitivity that I relate to. Some outlets have you just marking yes or no, some have you giving levels of 1 (Not at All) up to 7 (Extremely). I encourage you to google these questions and review additional ones that you may relate to.

Are you easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input? From Webmd – Sensory overload is when your five senses — sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste — take in more information than your brain can process. When your brain is overwhelmed by this input, it enters fight, flight, or freeze mode in response to what feels like a crisis, making you feel unsafe or even panicky. Well, that would be a big fat yes! Something I was telling a friend yesterday – Back when I still smoked, that was always an excuse for me to walk away from a situation and take a break. I could regroup, have some peace and quiet, and come back with a clear mind. These days, I don’t have that option. When there is too much going on, I want to yell STOP, but that generally isn’t acceptable. What I need to learn to say to people is, “I need a moment, please”, and then step away from the situation.

Do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment? I am generally fully aware of what is going on around me and vigilant about keeping an eye out. I miss being able to go to a restaurant and only focus on the person in front of me.

Do other people’s moods affect you? Very much so! I wish it wasn’t so. Being around negative people exhausts me. And not just in the exhausts eye roll type of thing… I am worn down after dealing with these people.

woman in blue dress sitting on couch near the window

Do you find yourself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where you can have some privacy and relief from stimulation? Absofreakinglutely!!! One thing I learned in 2015 was to give myself ONE DAY a weekend to do absolutely nothing, it was my choice on what to do, which meant that I was on the couch watching movies, reading, or catching up on tv shows. It was my time to recharge. This was much easier when I wasn’t in a relationship because I didn’t have someone else to worry about. These days, it is harder to achieve my recharge days. But, I am thankful that my other person is now understanding this about me and gives me that time. Of course, he then gets to tinker in the garage so it’s a win win for both!

Are you easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by? The funny thing is, only the fabric thing affects me, and it’s only from time to time. I remember back in high school, I had a favorite sweater. It was white, and had a wide black horizontal strip under my breasts, along with the popped up collar. What can I say, it was the late 80’s. There were days that I would put this sweater on and feel great. But, if I put on the sweater when I was in a solemn teenage girl mood, the feeling of it would bother me all day and I would feel overwhelmed with tension. I have finally learned this lesson and when getting dressed, if the favorite clothes do not feel right that day, I immediately change.

Do you have a rich, complex inner life? I have always been a daydreamer, it is where I go to escape in to my own head. It is where I can forget about the life in front of me, and wonder what a different life would be like. I will be honest here and say that I do not dream of a different life often anymore. Yay me! However, I am generally comfortable in my own thoughts and can handle complete silence as I think about different things that I have read, podcasts I have listened to, conversations I was a part of.

Does your nervous system sometimes feel so frazzled that you just have to go off by yourself? Remember when I mentioned above that smoking by myself was a good getaway… I have a bad habit now of when having an argument, I walk out. I drive off. I calm down and process and then I come back. It’s a bad habit and I would love to be able to quit doing it. But, I was never taught how to have a good “argument”. Growing up, you sat still and took what was said. If you spoke up, it was seen as arguing. As a young married woman, my ex-husband had a habit of leaving bruises on me. I continued to sit still and take it. So, when I am being chastised, I want out. I am not confident enough to handle it, so I run.

Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? IF I have enough time to visualize and become comfortable with the steps in my head of what needs to be done, I am generally okay. Just don’t get in my way so I can focus and give me quick answers to my questions so I can move on.

Are you annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once? Yes. Let’s focus on what is right in front of us and then move on. If I am given a list of 10 things that need to be done right now, I get frazzled trying to figure out the priority or how to make all of this work at once.

Do changes in your life shake you up? Yes. I was told a long time ago that I do not like change. I was raised with the mentality that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I am weary of changes to the point that I am distrustful. Even in my work life, if a company I work with often changes their website, it bothers me and I quit using it. Adapting to change is not always easy for me.

Do you notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art? That is a very large yes! A year or so ago, the man and I went a Vangogh exhibit and I was completely mesmerized! The art was reflected everywhere on the walls and floor, while music played. The emotions were so strong and I stared wide eyed all around me, soaking in this moment. I loved it so much and wanted to go again. The next time we went, people around us were laughing and talking. I was overcome with such anger towards them for interrupting this moment and could not understand how they didn’t feel the same type of amazement as I did. I tried to push the anger down, but I couldn’t.

Do you find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once? I used to thrive on chaos and multiple things going on at once, proud that I could be here and be there, and get things done for everyone. Then when I started having panic attacks and went in to a solitude state, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I was doing so many things for everyone else, except myself. So, call me selfish, but I now need to re-focus on MYSELF.

Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Most definitely. While I know that death is a part of life, I have no problem dealing with that aspect, such as being there for a dyeing person. But, to sit down and have a talk with someone that doesn’t like me or to be in a room with them, no thank you. It stresses me out just thinking about it. In some situations, I am the type that will say, “One… Two… Three… Go!” But, if I’m going to feel uncomfortable and lectured, no. I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough so why am I now going to sit there and let you once again put me back in to my childhood insecurities? It’s not going to happen.

When you were a child, did parents or teachers seem to see you as sensitive or shy? If I could count the amount of times that I was told that I was too sensitive (as a child and as an adult), I would be incredibly wealthy.

upset little girl sitting near crop woman in classroom

If you have come this far in reading, thank you for taking the time to read about me trying to figure myself out. It’s not easy, but it’s been enlightening. If you are wondering WHY I share this information, it’s because I have found comfort when I feel like I am not alone with my feelings. And if you feel like you have too many emotions or if you are trying to figure yourself out, too, you are not alone.

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

May 26, 2023

“If I see only my bias, I have surrendered to a single myopic lens through which to view the world.” Craig D. Lounsbrough

I had no idea where therapy was going to lead me on Day 5. I knew that I wanted to talk about my emotions, why I take things so personally, and how I could work on that.

Let me jump in and explain how I feel about emotions… My emotions are BIG. When I get sad, I cry. When I am upset, I build up resentment. When angry, I say things I shouldn’t. On the flip side of that is my happiness emotion. When I’m happy, I smile, laugh, and dance. When I love, I love with all of my heart.

So, no matter which side of the coin my emotions are on, they are big. If I show a lot of emotion when sad, you better believe I will show a lot of emotion when happy. And I love being happy!

We talked about different things in the last week and a half, including conversations with family, and my reaction to different things lately.

I play “devil’s advocate” often when talking with people. Not in a rude way, just discussing “what if” and thinking things through. While I am trying to get back in to a positive mind set, I failed to do that when I sent out Mother’s Day cards, not thinking that anyone would react anyway except positive.

You see, I am a card person and my goal this year was to send out more cards. I think that mailboxes are too full of junk and cards make people smile. I have a box of blank birthday cards and a box of blank note cards. For Mother’s Day, I ordered a box of 20 blank cards and decided that I would send them out to friends and family, to not only wish them Happy Mother’s Day but to spread a bit of happiness. I heard from quite a few that thanked me for the card and I remembered how giving is more rewarding than receiving and I felt happy. I felt like I was getting back to the positive version of me.

Until I heard from one person that was not happy about receiving a card from me. In that instance, all the happiness I felt was wiped away.

happy mothers day card beside pen macaroons flowers and box near coffee cup with saucer

When you sent the cards, what reactions were you expecting?

I don’t know. Nothing bad.

Did you think of it from her point of view and how she would feel getting a card from someone she didn’t like too well?

No, I thought of it as doing something nice, and also partially extending an olive branch.

What would you have done if you received a card from someone you didn’t like very much?

It depends. I would have either tossed it aside and said WTF or sat on it for a bit and maybe reached out if I felt like the relationship was worth repairing.

What would you have said if you were the one reaching out?

I would have said thank you and asked how they were doing.

You wouldn’t have acknowledged the argument?

Nope. I don’t like confrontation. At some point, you have to extend warmth to the person and move on.

But, not everyone thinks like you. Everyone reacts differently and you need to not have myopic vision.

Myopic Vision – Myopia… Nearsightedness. You can see things close, but not far away.

Have you ever worked to build anything?

Yes, my ceiling fan about 5 years ago. I wanted one in my bedroom and a friend of mine at the time took the ceiling light down but couldn’t figure out how to put the fan up.

How did you go about doing it and how long did it take?

I watched a lot of youtube videos. A co-worker of mine, he had put several up before and he gave me some pointers on what to expect. He even took his down at home to take a picture of the inside of the ceiling. After a couple of weeks as I felt better prepared, I shut the power off and spent a couple hours doing it myself.

How did you feel when it was done?

Great. Empowered. Confident because I worked so hard to put it together and I was proud of myself.

So, why should you or another person feel better instantly if just putting up a simple ceiling fan took a couple weeks?

woman in white long sleeve holding wooden paint brush

And that is when I just stared in to the oblivion thinking, “She has a point.” If I had to prepare myself with knowledge and confidence before putting up a ceiling fan, why would I think that relationship problems could be solved instantly.

It was rather enlightening and while I sit on this a bit longer and continue to put it all together, I would just like to remind you (and myself) to keep an eye out on the bigger picture. Relationship issues do not affect JUST YOU. They can affect an office full of co-workers, your marriage, family dynamics… Before reacting to something, stop and think about how this will affect everything further out, not just right in front of you.

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

May 12, 2023

Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.

The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”

We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.

I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.

Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.

“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”

“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”

“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”

“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”

“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”

I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”

Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.

While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.

However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.

woman in gray jacket and white skirt standing on stairs

So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.

Angel Numbers

May 10, 2023

I had just made my lunch, sat down with a fork in my hand, tapped on my phone to see the time, and what did I see? 1:11! I was excited to seeing these numbers and knew that it was God’s way of waving, winking, and saying hello.

Up until a couple of years ago, I had a post-it note on my office laptop to remind me of what each Angel Number was for. Since I am working on building back my peaceful inner dialogue, I knew that I needed to research this information again, because I love when I get these little hello’s from God.

white clouds and blue sky — ***I am very much a believer in God. I also believe that God shows himself in ways that YOU will understand, to draw you closer to Him.***

Time watching has always been a habit of mine. When telling a story, I will tell you that it was 3:17 when something happened, not 3:15 or a quarter after 3. When I see certain times, I think of people or holidays. 2:18, my oldest son’s date of birth. 12:25, Merry Christmas! 3:02, Happy Birthday to my mom. And if I think of you when I see your date of birth or partial phone number, just know that I said a prayer for you.

So, if you want to see a few God winks or when He says hello, take a look and maybe incorporate some of these in to your thought process. Still thinking that Angel Numbers are against your religion or might be bad juju? Well, I bet you have a lucky number, right? Is it really your lucky number or do you just feel confident with your choice… Go ahead, step back and allow God to say hello to you with a bit of inspiration.

Reminder – numbers must show in 3 or 4 increments. IE – 111, 2222

0 – New opportunities! You have a fresh start to create new adventures. Don’t be afraid to go big and go bold!

1 – New beginnings! Step in to your self-confidence, set an intention, and focus on yourself.

a close up shot of a child holding a number cutout

2 – Balance, Harmony, Alignment. You are exactly where you need to be and you should savor the moment.

3 – Creativity! Go ahead and shine with self-expression, embrace collaborative energy, and think outside the box.

4 – Stability and Inner Wisdom! Go ahead and trust yourself. You’ve been working hard in the right direction.

5 – Possible curveball! Embrace change and keep a positive mindset. Things may be happening behind the scenes, but you’re on the right path.

6 – Connect with your heart! Seek comfort, reframe from negative thoughts, and be kind to yourself. Choose how you want to interpret a situation and remember that everything happens for a reason.

7 – Lucky! Let go of your fears, listen to your instincts, trust in the universe, say a payer for good fortune.

8 – Abundance! Similar to the infinity symbol that continues like an endless flow of life, now is a good time to let the world know exactly what you want.

9 – Ending! That’s not a bad thing. A situation may soon be ending, or you are close to achieving a goal. It’s a great time to step outside of your comfort zone to make things happen and expand your horizons.

There are doubters in this world that will say that referring to Angel Numbers is a bit too new age for them, or it is for the “hippies”. Here is how I think it brings me peace… In the middle of my day when I am worried about life in general and wondering how I will get through certain things, when I see numbers that make me smile, that is what I do. It’s God reminding me that He is with me and that he has my back. God has a fun way of jumping in to our lives, if we will just watch out for it.

Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle

May 9, 2023

Last week’s therapy session was insightful, and thankfully, not overly emotional. For years, I had the mindset of, “I’m good, but not good enough” and could trace it back to elementary school. The therapist and I dug a bit deeper and did determine how it came about, and a major one hit me pretty hard. While I understand that it was never intentional, it gave me a deeper understanding of how words and actions can have a lifelong impact on someone.

Something that we did discuss was quite interesting, my lack of speaking up for what I want. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s, and it was seen as selfish to speak up and say, “This is what I want.” However, what I realize now is that I should have spoken up for what I did “need”.

My father used to have a funny saying, “Shit in one hand, want in the other. See which one fills up faster.”

As a child, I would always think, “I have a lot of wants, so that doesn’t make sense.” Trust me, I totally get where he is coming from, and I am sure that I may have used that phrase on my own kids from time to time. What I am realizing now, there is a difference between wants and needs.

Of course I wanted the cool Trapper Keeper binder that all the other kids had. But, I also needed reassurance, hugs, unconditional love, positive words, a place where I could feel like I belong and was accepted. I am not saying that I wasn’t given those things in some degrees. I’m expressing the difference between wants and needs.

In elementary, I generally had all A’s. B’s would pop in here and there, usually in Science and P.E. But, Spelling and Language Arts, those were my favorites. We had smart kids that left our class once a week to go to GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and yes, there was a bit of jealousy from all of us that wanted to be them. Every year in 4th, 5th, and 6th, I tested for this program, sure that I would soon be among my people.

young girl wearing white long sleeve shirt sitting on table

Each year, I was told that I was good, but not good enough.

Back to the speaking up… 7th grade volleyball… I had never played volleyball before but upon entering Junior High, this was part of P.E. and I loved it. Bump, set, spike. I was working on perfecting my bump and knew that both forearms should be used, how to angle my arms to make the ball go a certain way. Set… When done correctly, the ball feels as light as a feather when it touches your fingertips, to be pushed back up to the person ready to spike. Spiking is where I wasn’t very good. But, most of us at that time were still learning as it was a new sport introduced to our grade.

As volleyball season approached, I was encouraged to try out for the team. I gave it my all and I loved it. Feeling like part of a team and the camaraderie that was built… It felt right. I needed a group of girls that believed and encouraged me. As we grew closer to the announcing of the team, girls were eliminated, but I still stood. My confidence grew. Maybe I am good enough.

We were down to the final two that would be eliminated. The last practice, I pushed myself harder than I had ever worked for anything, hoping I was good enough to make the team. I wasn’t.

Next year, it was the same thing, but I was better prepared for it in my mind, because I was becoming an expert at not being good enough.

This is where the therapist comes in…

Why didn’t you make it?

I don’t know.

You didn’t ask?

No.

Then how would you know what to get better at?

(Blank stare)

What did you think about after you didn’t make it?

They had a near perfect season. I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have done as well, so it was better that I wasn’t on it.

In high school, my first P.E. teacher was the volleyball coach. While doing drills, she said to me, “I better see you trying out for the volleyball team.” That phrase made me feel like I had someone on my side and I wanted her approval. Ms. K was loved by everyone and she made sure to give kids tough love, but in a supportive way. I knew that I needed her. But, when volleyball tryouts came around, I went to the first couple of practices. After watching those around me, I made up an excuse to Ms. K on why I couldn’t try out and moved on. What I didn’t tell her was that I felt that I would never be as good as those other girls and could not face disappointment like that again, after working so hard to prove myself. One of the great things the next year in school, Ms. K gave her approval for me to have 7th period P.E., which was advanced volleyball.

You were only in that class if you were on any of the volleyball teams, or had serious potential. I was covered in bruises and my forearms were rock hard. I loved feeling like part of a team and for one period a school day, I was.

I never tried out for volleyball in high school, much to the dismay of the coach. They had a great season, and I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have.

However, I did try out for cheerleading. In freshman year, one of my bestfriends was a cheerleader. Since every little girl grows up thinking that cheerleading is for the elite special people, of course we all wanted to be cheerleaders. So, with the help of my bestfriend, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. Herkies, Toe Touch, Tuck Jump, Side and Front Hurdler… Back then, we didn’t have cell phones so we used the reflection from the sliding glass door to perfect our techniques.

Do you know what I wasn’t good at? Fake excitement. I did great in the group tryouts, the written test, you name it. But, when it came time for me to stand in front of the judges and perform by myself and get “excited” about a game that I could not see, I couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to show excitement.

I would not have thought that such minor issues from my school days would still have an effect on me. But, they helped to set a pattern on the way I view the world. Unfortunately, when I am not accepted by someone, I revert to the thinking, “I am not good enough.” There are other issues in life that led to this but these experiences stand out, and I’m not willing to talk about those.

woman walking with bicycle on ground road

It’s time to get off the bicycle, don’t you think?

What do you mean?

You are cycling the same words to yourself, that you are not good enough. You are.

Masculine Energy in Women

April 27, 2023

Based on that title, you are probably thinking, “Whaaaaaaat?”

I totally get that. A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’ and thought it sounded intriguing, only to move on with my life and not give it a second thought. Until, a few days later while listening to a podcast about ‘The Office’… Melora Hardin who plays Jan Levinson (Gould), was asked why her and Steve Carrell (Michael Scott) had this weird chemistry and why did she think that Jan was attracted to Michael.

Melora explained how Jan was very independent, focusing on her career and climbing the corporate ladder. With Michael, she could let down her masculine energy and just be more feminine.

I am a huge fan of ‘The Office’ and while the Michael and Jan storyline was always fun to see, her explanation made sense. Plus, with it being the second time in a week that I had heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’, I figured it was the universe’s way of telling me to look in to this.

So, I did. And it was a lightbulb moment, or as Oprah likes to say, it was an “Ah-ha!” moment.

Do you relate to any of these below?

Woman with too much masculine energy in love relationships:

Difficulty expressing yourself
Come off as aggressive, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling
Always in charge of arranging dates, making plans with others
Giving unwanted advice
Telling men that you don’t need their help
Trying to portray extreme independence
Problems with intimacy (receiving pleasure)

I have been single for a very long time, and I have learned how to take care of myself. Yay for the independence, right? I also have a tendency to tell men when they try and do things for me, “Shockingly, I have survived the majority of my life without you.” When I say this, I am not trying to come across as rude, I am wanting to make sure they are aware that I am not one of those needy women and I will take care of myself.

But, here’s a secret, I’m tired of trying to be so self sufficient.

troubled young woman near broken automobile in countryside during car accident

Woman with too much masculine energy in relationship with herself:

Disconnected from your emotions
Self-worth based on outside factors – material success, other people opinions
Overly self-critical
Always planning and organizing
Masculine body movements, posture, walk

I was honestly a bit surprised that “always planning and organizing” fell under a masculine trait. Then I started looking inward and realized that I have been the planner for so long that I am nervous when others do it. It’s not that I feel the need to be in charge, it’s just that if no one else is going to step up, I will get it figured out and done.

Another secret, I’m tired of always being the one to plan.

Woman with too much masculine energy in friendships:

Not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with feelings
Afraid of building deep connections
Appearing aloof, cold
Trying to impress, coming off as bragging
Difficulty with close physical affection

Some people will say that I have no problem with sharing my feelings and in some instances, that is true. I am an open book on some aspects. However, when it comes to my complete true feelings, I am not comfortable with sharing my vulnerability. Why? You will use all of that against me in due time, when you are tired of being friends with me. So, it’s easier to put on the persona of being “tough” and then I don’t have to worry about whether our friendship will last or not.

Third secret… I love nothing more than genuine conversation that involves being open, learning about another person, and creating a connection.

So, here we are wondering WHY a woman may experience too much masculine energy.

Having a mother or other female role model with too much masculine energy – Maybe you grew up with a mom that had to make all of the decisions at home while being the disciplinarian. If this is you, you grew up thinking this was normal.

Experience abuse or violence as a woman – Of course we are going to put on our protective armor now.

Living in a society that values and rewards masculine traits more than feminine ones – I lived in the South for over 20 years and surrounded by the military. Men = Respect. Women = There to take care of their man.

Taking on too many masculine roles in order to survive (e.g., being the breadwinner, single parent, taking care of others) – As a single mom without family near, I took care of myself and my children. There wasn’t anyone to take care of me. I had to set my feelings aside more often than not. If I hadn’t, I don’t know how I would have made it through life.

Time and again, a woman will exude masculine energy as a defense mechanism. Being raised in a dysfunctional home, experiencing childhood trauma, or feeling abandoned may cause women to put on the masculine energy shield like a medieval night puts on his armor… To protect our hearts.

Although masculine energy may appear as positive attributes such as being driven, hardworking, and independent, when it becomes our default way of thinking, we deny ourselves the proper care, soul nurturing, compassion and true connections that we crave. When we deny ourselves what our souls desire, we can become quite harsh and unyielding, as we protect ourselves too much.

If you related to any of this like I did, the lightbulb in your head is probably flashing and you are nodding your head in agreement. This is where you get to do your own searching as your journey is unique to you.

For myself, I started with a simple change…

I spoke up and told the man in my life that he needs to make more decisions for the week. This was suggested to me by a friend and it is two-fold – He gets to be the “man” in the relationship and I lessen my worries of disappointing another with my decision. I am one of the lucky ones that happens to have a man that is very easy going. While it is truly a blessing, there are a lot of times that I am the one stuck with making the decisions because he is okay with whatever I decide (within reason). Many women would prefer to be the decision makers, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.

If you are tired of always having to put on a tough exterior to show the world you are okay, it is okay to finally take your mask off. Be you. Find the person inside of you that you forgot about… Nurture her… Be your true self. As women, we shouldn’t have to act like men to accomplish what we want. There is power in being feminine. Be you!

Therapy Day 1 – I’m not good enough

April 25, 2023

Some words were said about me a couple of weeks ago that stung. Once again, I was informed that I wasn’t good enough. These words and who they came from hit me at the core and I have been on the verge of tears since that time. The tidal wave of tears finally hit yesterday as I had my first therapy appointment. But first, why did I decide to go to therapy?

I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of months. My insecurity has been pretty strong lately, from my own doing since I am truly my own worst enemy. Last week after no resolution or being able to get over my own feelings, I logged on to BetterHelp.com and answered the questions that range from age, relationship status, religion, and what made me login.

Not being sure if virtual therapy was going to be helpful since the connection I crave was not going to be in person, I was pleasantly surprised that I clicked with my therapist right away.

Her voice is comforting with a Jamaican dialect, and her smile is full of warmth and compassion, but the raised eyebrow lets you know that she is going to be straight forward.

We talked about my current relationship and how everything is generally great, but I am waiting for the final shoe to drop. She asked why I felt that way… “Because I’m not good enough.”

“You’ve been single for awhile.”

“Yes.”

“When is the last relationship you had for an extended amount of time?”

“Oh, I was in one for five and a half years.”

“What happened?”

“I wasn’t good enough.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. In fact, he is married now. The first time I saw his wife, because she was a friend of a friend, I knew right then and there that they would end up together because she was the type he belonged with.”

“You basically handed him to her. He stuck around for over five years. He thought you were good enough.”

We talked about other things from the past and that is when she stopped me.

“In five minutes, you have said that you weren’t good enough three different times.”

crop psychologist writing on clipboard during psychotherapy session

And this is why she is a therapist. Don’t get me wrong, I have known that I feel this way often. But, to have it called out to me is something different.

I always thought that childhood issues were something that you kept in your past and that as an adult, you make the choices for your reactions. I am realizing now that that is not the case. Somewhat of a trauma response, you learn how to act towards certain situations.

Just like the walls of a house are constructed for protection, we also build walls to protect ourselves. If it is something that we have been doing since childhood, we feel it is normal and keep going on with life.

When something else happens to “verify” that I am not good enough, I either add another brick to my wall or maybe throw on some extra plaster to make sure that it is not going anywhere.

stone castle with green grass front yard

Except, my real life is not like Cinderella sitting in a castle waiting to be rescued.

Last night after my first therapy session, I was emotionally exhausted. I had ugly cried. It wasn’t because my feelings were hurt, it was because finally someone could help me make sense out of them. I have other aspects of the conversation that I need to unpack, and I will. I finally felt validated, that there was a reason why I never felt good enough, and why I protect my heart.

My homework for the week – to be mindful. When I am feeling a certain way, I need to be mindful of what led up to it. I also need to be mindful of my actions towards others, and my response in the situation.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it will take for my wall to come down, if it ever will. In certain relationships, I will work at not being on guard so much, because I truly do value those relationships that are REAL and have a strong connection. With those that judge me, I am going to work on letting that not bother me. What they think of me is THEIR choice, and one day I will realize that I am good enough.

But, do I really even want to subject myself to anyone that may feel that I am not good enough? WHY would I want to fight for myself to be a part of that?

I guess that is a good topic for Therapy on Day 2.

I Miss ME

October 27, 2022

Recently, I told my mom that I miss me. I miss who I used to be over a year ago. I miss walking on trails, having time to myself, reading good books, writing down my thoughts, eat healthier, and a good night sleep. At the time, I blamed it on my relationship. But, something I have realized in the past few weeks is that it is not because of my relationship, it is because of my job. And, I have let my job reflect on my relationships. Yes, plural.

That stops today!

I want to be me again. I want to get back on the trails with my dog (did so last week), have time to myself (right now), read good books (need to choose one from the stack), write down my thoughts (here I am), eat healthier (going shopping later), and get a good night sleep (that will come).

I wanted to be someone, and I thought that climbing the career ladder is what it would take to prove myself. What I proved is that I can work 10 to 12 hours a day, wake up at 4am stressed thinking about work, answer messages at all hours of the night, weekend, and vacation. I also proved that I can be so exhausted and not have time to culture friendships because all I thought about was work.

Today, I choose me. I choose to be loyal to myself and find me again. I want to see happiness on my face and share those moments with those I love.

close up shot of scrabble tiles on a white surface — Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

If given the chance to dance, always dance.

May 14, 2021May 14, 2021

When I was probably around 5 or 6, I took ballet classes. I’m not sure why my mom signed me up… Could have been because that is what 5 year old girls do, or it could be because my mom saw even then that I was clumsy. While I do remember loving the sky blue ballet shoe box I carried with me to class, I was embarrassed to perform in front of others. Over 40 years later, I still remember that we had a performance scheduled at the mall of all places, and that during practice, I knew then that I would not be at the recital. I did not want people to see me. What if I messed up and people made fun of me? It’s sad to know that a child of that age was already nervous about those things. Anyways, I remember that we went to the mall with my parents and grandparents that weekend and as we passed my class performing the routine, my family knew that I had not told them about the event.

Over 40 years later and this memory still bothers me when it pops up out of the blue. I told them that I forgot when in reality, I was too embarrassed of failing.

All through grade school and even in to Junior High, when I would see girls my age perform at the school talent show, I would watch with envy. Wishing I was one of those girls that had the confidence to perform in front of others, I would turn the music up in my bedroom, and I would dance as if no one was watching, (they weren’t). I went to one practice tryout for my 7th grade drill team… I never went back. What if I wasn’t good enough? At the end of my freshman year of high school, I tried out with my bestfriend for JV cheer. She made it, I didn’t. Two weeks of practice leading up to tryouts and I loved each and every single one. Being part of a team and encouraging each other, I was all about that. Knowing the rules for the sports and when to say which cheer, I had that one nailed. Then it was time to perform in front of a select few BY MYSELF. My confidence standing in front of strangers and having them judge me… Nope. Nerves kicked in and I could not fake that school spirit because I knew then that I would not be good enough.

Then my 20’s appeared and I loved nothing more than a good wedding reception, but I was still worried of being judged. My ex-husband would offer to do the “obligatory dance”, but a lot of times, we sat off to the side watching everyone else enjoy the dance floor. After dancing with family at my mom’s wedding reception to my step-dad, my ex-husband told me I moved my hips too much. Looking back, that is kind of an odd comment from a Latin man that could Salsa with his family at holiday parties… As my marriage ended and my friends and I found out what the clubs in Florida were like, we would dance and dance. “Oh! I love this song! Come on!” It was never with reckless abandon, knowing that I was possibly being judged, but we still had fun singing our favorite lyrics.

As my kids grew up, we would dance around the house, twirling or doing the twist. I am such a believer in music affecting the spirit and I wanted them to realize that they were in a home that was not going to embarrass or judge them because they wanted to wave their arms in the air. In fact, my youngest had certain commercials that would cause him to jump off the couch, do a quick dance routine that was a mix of break dancing and your drunk uncle at a wedding, then sit back down and act like nothing happened. One of my favorite moments with him is when I put in the Glee Christmas CD… Their version of ‘We Need a Little Christmas’, I played it over and over… My youngest son was about 7 and we held hands and danced in a circle jumping and singing, while my 16 year old sat on the stairs staring at us like we were crazy. But, that’s okay because he was also smiling.

The year or so after turning 40, I had a 60 year old social friend and if the music was playing at a bar, she was dancing. At first when we were getting to know her, we would all shake our heads and assume that she had had one too many glasses of cheap wine. We started to see a pattern though… She loved to dance! And she didn’t care who was watching or how she was dancing. Guess what? Other women would go up, by themselves, so they could dance near her and enjoy the moment, also. That was it! She had the confidence! All of these years I had been wistfully watching these types of women that are enjoying the moment… Doing the chicken dance at weddings, dancing up front at a concert in the park, being the first on the dance floor at a club… They were confident enough to enjoy the moment, and not care if they were being judged!

These days, although I am a bit too old to dance in the clubs with the kids that are younger than my son, I still love to dance. Walking in to my house while I’m cleaning, you may find me bebopping my way to the washing machine with a load of towels, or rocking back and forth while rinsing dishes. Driving home from work with a good song playing loud, my hand motions are in sync with the phrase the singer is putting emphasis on. I’ve been known to put my hands in front of me, make small fists, and shake my body, just to make a person smile when a happy dance party song is on.

selective focus photography of smiling woman wearing gray dress dancing

Ear buds in at the gym, I’m not just playing the music to keep me going… I am dancing in my head.

One of my very favorite movies is La La Land… I went to see it TWICE at the movie theater and purchased the Blu-Ray as soon as it came out. But, best of all, not only is there an absolutely amazing soundtrack, there is a FULL sound track that also plays the musical interludes! You know the instrumental music you hear during specific scenes? Yes, they made a two cd sound track that includes all of those and it is like heaven to me! When I hear each, the imagery of the scene is playing in my mind and I wish that we all lived in a world where people broke out in to song and dance at just a random time. Kind of like the movie Grease…. Makes perfectly good sense to me.

Just a few months ago, a friend showed me a video from a couple of years ago, of several of us dancing around to Taylor Swift’s song, “Shake It Off”. I smiled because none of us stopped dancing when we realized he was recording, in fact we were laughing and singing like we were in the video with Taylor. Oh, how I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to “Shake It Off” and just dance! Quit worrying about what people are thinking of you and just dance. But, when you go out to dance at some place, make sure to grab the hand of the wallflower that is watching everyone else dance… She may just be a bit nervous and need an extra dose of encouragement.

graceful dancer performing on street standing in puddle

Tell her with as much warmth and understanding as you can, “When given the chance to dance, always dance.”

How a pill organizer made me feel old…

May 11, 2021

I have a Sunday morning routine that is a MUST, and it is my weekly reminder that I am getting older… I fill my weekly pill container. In my 20’s and 30’s, the only thing I was concerned with taking on a daily basis at the same time every day was my birth control. Now that menopause has visited, that is no longer a concern, but if I don’t have my daily dose of Potassium, my hands cramp up. It is what it is, I guess…

In my early 40’s while still popping birth control like candy, my blood test came back showing I was low on Vitamin D. While already taking Blood Pressure pills, it wasn’t that big of a deal to open those bottles. Then life would get busy and I would wonder if I had taken my daily dose before or after making coffee. Birth control packaging is awesome with the days listed, because let’s be honest, I would rather of had a stroke than an accidental pregnancy at that age. (If you are getting offended at that, you’ve never been in that situation.) But now I have to take Vitamin D on a daily basis?!? Come to find out, Vitamin D is basically a sunshine pill… Studies have shown that most people are low and can benefit. I personally think it helps with my mood, but it is known to help with absorption of calcium and since I don’t drink milk, I need all the help I can get. There are also so many other health benefits and easy on the stomach.

Slowly, I was accumulating a row of pill bottles… Birth Control, two different Blood Pressure pills, and Vitamin D. Allergy meds and Ibuprofen were kept elsewhere because surely I didn’t need them that often. And then, allergy season arrived and I had a massive asthma attack that landed me in the hospital, so my Zyrtec and Ibuprofen became a part of my daily routine. By then, the birth control was gone thanks to early menopause, but trying to figure out all of these meds and when to take them (and did I take them) became frustrating.

While researching asthma and what vitamins can help, I came across Magnesium and it is almost like a wonder drug! Since asthma is all about inflammation, magnesium helps to reduce that. It also helps with depression, aids in sleep, and several people in my weight loss support group swear that it helps with fighting constipation. CHECK! Magnesium has also been added.

Zinc was also something I kept on hand and if I felt like a cold was coming on, I would start taking. I learned about this years ago from a co-worker that swore by it. I know that some will say that it is an old wives tale, but if something works, I’m going to go with it. Each time I was sick or my kids, zinc was added to the cold meds handed out. I finally decided that I would add this to my daily regimen because the last thing I wanted was a chest cold while being asthmatic. To all of those that thought I was crazy, tell me why zinc was in high demand when Covid started becoming an issue… Through the years when I have caught a cold, it is always after I have been out of zinc for a week or so. So, yes… I truly believe in zinc.

A few years ago, I noticed that my hands would cramp up for no apparent reason. My thumb and my index finger would almost touch and stay in that position for no apparent reason. Not to mention charley horses randomly through the night that would cause words to come out of my mouth that would make any sailor proud! One day I had a flashback to being out at Crab Island and my feet cramping uncontrollably and all I could do was bury push them down in the sand until they would relax. It then became a “tradition” to have a banana prior to heading out on to the boat for the day. Wait! Don’t they sell pickles at the ball fields for players to eat? Yes! Because of potassium and to help prevent cramping. Guess what… Potassium was now added to my basket of meds.

Then a bit of deja vu… I saw all of the pill bottles that my grandparents had sitting on their pink tiled bathroom counter… (I used to think that was the ugliest bathroom and now that brings back so many memories.) I wasn’t ready to be that old. I didn’t want to feel old. I didn’t want to need meds, vitamins, preventative care, maintenance care. But, here I was. There I was in Walmart and it’s as if lights started flashing above the medical supply aisle… Not only did they have weekly rows in different colors, they had a weekly AM / PM pill box!!!! (Angels singing)

So, here I am filling my weekly pill bottles feeling old… Something I had to learn while taking these meds, when to take them. Since magnesium can also aid in sleeping, I take that at night. Also, zinc needs to be taken with a meal or it can bother your stomach, so I take that at night. Basically, my “minerals” which includes potassium, are taken around the time I eat dinner. I have found that taking allergy pills and Aleve in the morning and night, helps to reduce my allergies which is a blessing to my asthma.

Why am I sharing all of this boring information? We’re getting older… It is okay to have these conversations with friends, but sometimes we might feel embarrassed to share that we take a pro-biotic to help with stomach issues. Funny how we will discuss this in an online forum with strangers but we don’t share with our friends or family how we take care of ourselves. Find the combination that works for you and get started on taking care of yourself!

I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be one on tv. If you have any questions about meds, please talk to your own health care provider and do your own research.

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