Life – Swimming With The Rain

Back to School

August 25, 2023August 25, 2023

School started last week in my little corner of the world. And although it has been years since I have sent a child of mine back to school, the momma in me can still relate to these parents as they are going through the first of the lasts and first of the firsts.

On Friday, my boyfriend’s son had his firsts of the lasts with football, as it is now his Senior year of high school. It was so exciting to watch him come out on to the field as a starting Senior, but also sad to realize that there are only so many Home games and this will be over soon.

The pride I felt for this child is similar to how I felt for my own, but I get to enjoy this one more. Maybe because I have “been there, done that” and have figured out what is important and what isn’t. Kids at this age do not realize the shear power of a moment and how quick it will go by. For him, he may realize it when the season is over and ask for five more minutes.

“At eighteen, turned my helmet in and walked to the fifty-yard line
Just the coach and me after we lost eighteen to nine
And I cried, “Man, next time to get in here, I’ll have to buy a ticket
Can’t you give me five more minutes?” ~Five More Minutes, sung by Scotty McCreery

That evening, I also watched Freshmen enjoying the firsts of the firsts. These 14 year-old’s were at THEIR high school football game, and this is a big deal for them. For some, it may be one of the first activities that they do not have direct parental supervision and feel like they can do whatever they want. That being said, they still need to work on their respect and how to behave, but they’ll learn.

They were like puppies… Very eager but haven’t learned how to control themselves yet.

black short coated dog biting plastic container on green grass

Moving forward to Saturday evening and I was craving Indian food. We headed to the best Indian food place which is near the University campus when it dawned on us… It’s move in weekend! Vehicles were in front of dorms and apartments, doors and trunks open loaded down with suitcases and bedding. Where we usually see students crossing the streets without a care in the world, we saw parents following behind their kids, as they figured out where to go.

We have always walked in to this restaurant and had choices on where to sit. We even used to wonder WHY they had a back dining room, as we had never seen anyone in it, so we assumed it was for private groups. No. It was FULL. Both areas! This is what that room was for.

It didn’t matter that we had to wait for our food. I had a glass of wine and did what I do best – people watching. Parents with their new college students… Excitement beaming from these students as their lives were about ready to change. Parents soaking up the last bit of time with their kids before they were to leave them in adulthood. Dads giving meaningful words of wisdom. Moms watching their 18 year-old children but visioning them as two. This momma wanted to walk up and hug each one of those momma’s and tell them it will be okay.

So, to all of you students, get out there and enjoy this moment and experience life! To all of you parents going through Senior Year with your child or even sending them off to college… I see you. I am hugging you in my mind.

Good Conversation Makes Me Happy

June 6, 2023

I struggle these days with making good connections. I would say that my internet does, also, but I live in the middle of nowhere and internet is not an option. So, back to making good connections…

I would rather sit by myself in my own little world than fake a happy attitude, hence why I have been keeping myself away from people. Trust me, I understand that not all conversations are going to be happy. But, it’s the people that those conversations are with, and I was reminded of that last night.

family celebrating christmas dinner while taking selfie

Everything about the evening lined up perfectly… A nice restaurant with an amazing view, the outdoor terrace with umbrellas offering shade, a fountain to add a bit of water sound, a slight breeze to offset the warm summer air… And people that were happy to see each other, that makes quite a difference!

I don’t know if I can even remember all that was said. A few of us used to work together and since we know each other’s families, conversation was not strained. Group conversations, side conversations, laughter, lots of, “Remember when…” Greeting late comers with a hug and a “So good to see you!” and truly meaning it. We talked of kids, our careers, wondering where so and so is now, reminiscing over the workplace hell we left behind.

For a couple of hours, I was reminded that I am liked, and I really needed that. I remembered what a difference I made in the lives of others and how thankful I am that although we no longer work together, we have a bond that we can jump back in to.

With promises of we’ll do this again, group photos, and selfies taken care of, we hugged each person as we started back in to our own lives.

happy relatives meeting together on weekends

When thinking of my priorities in life, good conversation needs to be at the top. I left the event with a smile on my face knowing that these are people that I truly enjoy being with, and I value their input because they have taken the time to get to know me, as I have them. They ask questions, not just tell stories… They express warmth, not judgement. They laugh, not tell a competing story.

These are the conversations that I need in my life. The ones that make you feel invigorated afterwards. The ones that give you confidence.

The ones that make my heart happy.

Am I Hypersensitive?

June 2, 2023

My therapist brought this up during my Day 5 conversation with her and then on Day 6. Knowing that someone has finally validated that I am sensitive has a calming effect, and now that I know what to look out for, I can be more aware of my reactions. As my therapist said, my reactions lead to a lot of irrational thinking and I begin to believe these negative thoughts.

Below are questions that are used to determine Hypersensitivity that I relate to. Some outlets have you just marking yes or no, some have you giving levels of 1 (Not at All) up to 7 (Extremely). I encourage you to google these questions and review additional ones that you may relate to.

Are you easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input? From Webmd – Sensory overload is when your five senses — sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste — take in more information than your brain can process. When your brain is overwhelmed by this input, it enters fight, flight, or freeze mode in response to what feels like a crisis, making you feel unsafe or even panicky. Well, that would be a big fat yes! Something I was telling a friend yesterday – Back when I still smoked, that was always an excuse for me to walk away from a situation and take a break. I could regroup, have some peace and quiet, and come back with a clear mind. These days, I don’t have that option. When there is too much going on, I want to yell STOP, but that generally isn’t acceptable. What I need to learn to say to people is, “I need a moment, please”, and then step away from the situation.

Do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment? I am generally fully aware of what is going on around me and vigilant about keeping an eye out. I miss being able to go to a restaurant and only focus on the person in front of me.

Do other people’s moods affect you? Very much so! I wish it wasn’t so. Being around negative people exhausts me. And not just in the exhausts eye roll type of thing… I am worn down after dealing with these people.

woman in blue dress sitting on couch near the window

Do you find yourself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where you can have some privacy and relief from stimulation? Absofreakinglutely!!! One thing I learned in 2015 was to give myself ONE DAY a weekend to do absolutely nothing, it was my choice on what to do, which meant that I was on the couch watching movies, reading, or catching up on tv shows. It was my time to recharge. This was much easier when I wasn’t in a relationship because I didn’t have someone else to worry about. These days, it is harder to achieve my recharge days. But, I am thankful that my other person is now understanding this about me and gives me that time. Of course, he then gets to tinker in the garage so it’s a win win for both!

Are you easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by? The funny thing is, only the fabric thing affects me, and it’s only from time to time. I remember back in high school, I had a favorite sweater. It was white, and had a wide black horizontal strip under my breasts, along with the popped up collar. What can I say, it was the late 80’s. There were days that I would put this sweater on and feel great. But, if I put on the sweater when I was in a solemn teenage girl mood, the feeling of it would bother me all day and I would feel overwhelmed with tension. I have finally learned this lesson and when getting dressed, if the favorite clothes do not feel right that day, I immediately change.

Do you have a rich, complex inner life? I have always been a daydreamer, it is where I go to escape in to my own head. It is where I can forget about the life in front of me, and wonder what a different life would be like. I will be honest here and say that I do not dream of a different life often anymore. Yay me! However, I am generally comfortable in my own thoughts and can handle complete silence as I think about different things that I have read, podcasts I have listened to, conversations I was a part of.

Does your nervous system sometimes feel so frazzled that you just have to go off by yourself? Remember when I mentioned above that smoking by myself was a good getaway… I have a bad habit now of when having an argument, I walk out. I drive off. I calm down and process and then I come back. It’s a bad habit and I would love to be able to quit doing it. But, I was never taught how to have a good “argument”. Growing up, you sat still and took what was said. If you spoke up, it was seen as arguing. As a young married woman, my ex-husband had a habit of leaving bruises on me. I continued to sit still and take it. So, when I am being chastised, I want out. I am not confident enough to handle it, so I run.

Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? IF I have enough time to visualize and become comfortable with the steps in my head of what needs to be done, I am generally okay. Just don’t get in my way so I can focus and give me quick answers to my questions so I can move on.

Are you annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once? Yes. Let’s focus on what is right in front of us and then move on. If I am given a list of 10 things that need to be done right now, I get frazzled trying to figure out the priority or how to make all of this work at once.

Do changes in your life shake you up? Yes. I was told a long time ago that I do not like change. I was raised with the mentality that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I am weary of changes to the point that I am distrustful. Even in my work life, if a company I work with often changes their website, it bothers me and I quit using it. Adapting to change is not always easy for me.

Do you notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art? That is a very large yes! A year or so ago, the man and I went a Vangogh exhibit and I was completely mesmerized! The art was reflected everywhere on the walls and floor, while music played. The emotions were so strong and I stared wide eyed all around me, soaking in this moment. I loved it so much and wanted to go again. The next time we went, people around us were laughing and talking. I was overcome with such anger towards them for interrupting this moment and could not understand how they didn’t feel the same type of amazement as I did. I tried to push the anger down, but I couldn’t.

Do you find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once? I used to thrive on chaos and multiple things going on at once, proud that I could be here and be there, and get things done for everyone. Then when I started having panic attacks and went in to a solitude state, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I was doing so many things for everyone else, except myself. So, call me selfish, but I now need to re-focus on MYSELF.

Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Most definitely. While I know that death is a part of life, I have no problem dealing with that aspect, such as being there for a dyeing person. But, to sit down and have a talk with someone that doesn’t like me or to be in a room with them, no thank you. It stresses me out just thinking about it. In some situations, I am the type that will say, “One… Two… Three… Go!” But, if I’m going to feel uncomfortable and lectured, no. I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough so why am I now going to sit there and let you once again put me back in to my childhood insecurities? It’s not going to happen.

When you were a child, did parents or teachers seem to see you as sensitive or shy? If I could count the amount of times that I was told that I was too sensitive (as a child and as an adult), I would be incredibly wealthy.

upset little girl sitting near crop woman in classroom

If you have come this far in reading, thank you for taking the time to read about me trying to figure myself out. It’s not easy, but it’s been enlightening. If you are wondering WHY I share this information, it’s because I have found comfort when I feel like I am not alone with my feelings. And if you feel like you have too many emotions or if you are trying to figure yourself out, too, you are not alone.

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

May 26, 2023

“If I see only my bias, I have surrendered to a single myopic lens through which to view the world.” Craig D. Lounsbrough

I had no idea where therapy was going to lead me on Day 5. I knew that I wanted to talk about my emotions, why I take things so personally, and how I could work on that.

Let me jump in and explain how I feel about emotions… My emotions are BIG. When I get sad, I cry. When I am upset, I build up resentment. When angry, I say things I shouldn’t. On the flip side of that is my happiness emotion. When I’m happy, I smile, laugh, and dance. When I love, I love with all of my heart.

So, no matter which side of the coin my emotions are on, they are big. If I show a lot of emotion when sad, you better believe I will show a lot of emotion when happy. And I love being happy!

We talked about different things in the last week and a half, including conversations with family, and my reaction to different things lately.

I play “devil’s advocate” often when talking with people. Not in a rude way, just discussing “what if” and thinking things through. While I am trying to get back in to a positive mind set, I failed to do that when I sent out Mother’s Day cards, not thinking that anyone would react anyway except positive.

You see, I am a card person and my goal this year was to send out more cards. I think that mailboxes are too full of junk and cards make people smile. I have a box of blank birthday cards and a box of blank note cards. For Mother’s Day, I ordered a box of 20 blank cards and decided that I would send them out to friends and family, to not only wish them Happy Mother’s Day but to spread a bit of happiness. I heard from quite a few that thanked me for the card and I remembered how giving is more rewarding than receiving and I felt happy. I felt like I was getting back to the positive version of me.

Until I heard from one person that was not happy about receiving a card from me. In that instance, all the happiness I felt was wiped away.

happy mothers day card beside pen macaroons flowers and box near coffee cup with saucer

When you sent the cards, what reactions were you expecting?

I don’t know. Nothing bad.

Did you think of it from her point of view and how she would feel getting a card from someone she didn’t like too well?

No, I thought of it as doing something nice, and also partially extending an olive branch.

What would you have done if you received a card from someone you didn’t like very much?

It depends. I would have either tossed it aside and said WTF or sat on it for a bit and maybe reached out if I felt like the relationship was worth repairing.

What would you have said if you were the one reaching out?

I would have said thank you and asked how they were doing.

You wouldn’t have acknowledged the argument?

Nope. I don’t like confrontation. At some point, you have to extend warmth to the person and move on.

But, not everyone thinks like you. Everyone reacts differently and you need to not have myopic vision.

Myopic Vision – Myopia… Nearsightedness. You can see things close, but not far away.

Have you ever worked to build anything?

Yes, my ceiling fan about 5 years ago. I wanted one in my bedroom and a friend of mine at the time took the ceiling light down but couldn’t figure out how to put the fan up.

How did you go about doing it and how long did it take?

I watched a lot of youtube videos. A co-worker of mine, he had put several up before and he gave me some pointers on what to expect. He even took his down at home to take a picture of the inside of the ceiling. After a couple of weeks as I felt better prepared, I shut the power off and spent a couple hours doing it myself.

How did you feel when it was done?

Great. Empowered. Confident because I worked so hard to put it together and I was proud of myself.

So, why should you or another person feel better instantly if just putting up a simple ceiling fan took a couple weeks?

woman in white long sleeve holding wooden paint brush

And that is when I just stared in to the oblivion thinking, “She has a point.” If I had to prepare myself with knowledge and confidence before putting up a ceiling fan, why would I think that relationship problems could be solved instantly.

It was rather enlightening and while I sit on this a bit longer and continue to put it all together, I would just like to remind you (and myself) to keep an eye out on the bigger picture. Relationship issues do not affect JUST YOU. They can affect an office full of co-workers, your marriage, family dynamics… Before reacting to something, stop and think about how this will affect everything further out, not just right in front of you.

Are dogs treated better than people?

May 15, 2023

Random thoughts pop in to my head. Not sure if you are like this. Today’s random thought… Do we treat dogs better than some people?

Let’s think about it this way… We all see the videos about dogs in shelters and it just breaks our hearts when they are aggressive or scared. (We’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin stuff here, because that will make me want to cry.)

During the video, we hear a voice explaining about their first time meeting the scraggly dog… how timid Fido is, how the previous owner didn’t treat them well, finally abandoned because they were not loved.

Oh, how our hearts break while we watch this scared dog with visible scars being lifted in to the vehicle to be taken to their “furever home”. Some videos show how the owners worked with the dog for quite awhile to develop trust, reassuring the pup that they are loved, that they won’t be beaten or left without food.

By the end of the video, we see the dog happy and giving lots of kisses and snuggled up to the one that saved them. We wipe away a stray tear or two and post it on facebook saying, “I’m not crying, you’re crying.” We root for these neglected animals and we want them to feel all the love in the world.

But, what about people? What about the person that has been neglected? What about the person that has been told time and time again that they are unlovable, that they are not wanted, left to fend for themselves… I’m not talking about the homeless people (just like we’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin).

Why do we not have patience with people when they are struggling? Why do we not show them the same compassion?

We walk past the downhearted, referring to them as difficult to deal with, a bitch, selfish, not worth the time. Or we give them one shot, only to decide it’s just too much time to invest. People, just like dogs, do not heal instantly. When you tell a dog, “I will take care of you and love you forever”, do they instantly feel better? No. So, why do we expect people to feel better after we tell them this once?

I hope that if you ever deal with someone that feels unloved, you will have the same patience with them as you do a dog that needs your love.

That’s it. I just wanted to put this thought in to words and reflect on it some more.

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

May 12, 2023

Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.

The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”

We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.

I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.

Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.

“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”

“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”

“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”

“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”

“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”

I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”

Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.

While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.

However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.

woman in gray jacket and white skirt standing on stairs

So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.

Angel Numbers

May 10, 2023

I had just made my lunch, sat down with a fork in my hand, tapped on my phone to see the time, and what did I see? 1:11! I was excited to seeing these numbers and knew that it was God’s way of waving, winking, and saying hello.

Up until a couple of years ago, I had a post-it note on my office laptop to remind me of what each Angel Number was for. Since I am working on building back my peaceful inner dialogue, I knew that I needed to research this information again, because I love when I get these little hello’s from God.

white clouds and blue sky — ***I am very much a believer in God. I also believe that God shows himself in ways that YOU will understand, to draw you closer to Him.***

Time watching has always been a habit of mine. When telling a story, I will tell you that it was 3:17 when something happened, not 3:15 or a quarter after 3. When I see certain times, I think of people or holidays. 2:18, my oldest son’s date of birth. 12:25, Merry Christmas! 3:02, Happy Birthday to my mom. And if I think of you when I see your date of birth or partial phone number, just know that I said a prayer for you.

So, if you want to see a few God winks or when He says hello, take a look and maybe incorporate some of these in to your thought process. Still thinking that Angel Numbers are against your religion or might be bad juju? Well, I bet you have a lucky number, right? Is it really your lucky number or do you just feel confident with your choice… Go ahead, step back and allow God to say hello to you with a bit of inspiration.

Reminder – numbers must show in 3 or 4 increments. IE – 111, 2222

0 – New opportunities! You have a fresh start to create new adventures. Don’t be afraid to go big and go bold!

1 – New beginnings! Step in to your self-confidence, set an intention, and focus on yourself.

a close up shot of a child holding a number cutout

2 – Balance, Harmony, Alignment. You are exactly where you need to be and you should savor the moment.

3 – Creativity! Go ahead and shine with self-expression, embrace collaborative energy, and think outside the box.

4 – Stability and Inner Wisdom! Go ahead and trust yourself. You’ve been working hard in the right direction.

5 – Possible curveball! Embrace change and keep a positive mindset. Things may be happening behind the scenes, but you’re on the right path.

6 – Connect with your heart! Seek comfort, reframe from negative thoughts, and be kind to yourself. Choose how you want to interpret a situation and remember that everything happens for a reason.

7 – Lucky! Let go of your fears, listen to your instincts, trust in the universe, say a payer for good fortune.

8 – Abundance! Similar to the infinity symbol that continues like an endless flow of life, now is a good time to let the world know exactly what you want.

9 – Ending! That’s not a bad thing. A situation may soon be ending, or you are close to achieving a goal. It’s a great time to step outside of your comfort zone to make things happen and expand your horizons.

There are doubters in this world that will say that referring to Angel Numbers is a bit too new age for them, or it is for the “hippies”. Here is how I think it brings me peace… In the middle of my day when I am worried about life in general and wondering how I will get through certain things, when I see numbers that make me smile, that is what I do. It’s God reminding me that He is with me and that he has my back. God has a fun way of jumping in to our lives, if we will just watch out for it.

Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle

May 9, 2023

Last week’s therapy session was insightful, and thankfully, not overly emotional. For years, I had the mindset of, “I’m good, but not good enough” and could trace it back to elementary school. The therapist and I dug a bit deeper and did determine how it came about, and a major one hit me pretty hard. While I understand that it was never intentional, it gave me a deeper understanding of how words and actions can have a lifelong impact on someone.

Something that we did discuss was quite interesting, my lack of speaking up for what I want. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s, and it was seen as selfish to speak up and say, “This is what I want.” However, what I realize now is that I should have spoken up for what I did “need”.

My father used to have a funny saying, “Shit in one hand, want in the other. See which one fills up faster.”

As a child, I would always think, “I have a lot of wants, so that doesn’t make sense.” Trust me, I totally get where he is coming from, and I am sure that I may have used that phrase on my own kids from time to time. What I am realizing now, there is a difference between wants and needs.

Of course I wanted the cool Trapper Keeper binder that all the other kids had. But, I also needed reassurance, hugs, unconditional love, positive words, a place where I could feel like I belong and was accepted. I am not saying that I wasn’t given those things in some degrees. I’m expressing the difference between wants and needs.

In elementary, I generally had all A’s. B’s would pop in here and there, usually in Science and P.E. But, Spelling and Language Arts, those were my favorites. We had smart kids that left our class once a week to go to GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and yes, there was a bit of jealousy from all of us that wanted to be them. Every year in 4th, 5th, and 6th, I tested for this program, sure that I would soon be among my people.

young girl wearing white long sleeve shirt sitting on table

Each year, I was told that I was good, but not good enough.

Back to the speaking up… 7th grade volleyball… I had never played volleyball before but upon entering Junior High, this was part of P.E. and I loved it. Bump, set, spike. I was working on perfecting my bump and knew that both forearms should be used, how to angle my arms to make the ball go a certain way. Set… When done correctly, the ball feels as light as a feather when it touches your fingertips, to be pushed back up to the person ready to spike. Spiking is where I wasn’t very good. But, most of us at that time were still learning as it was a new sport introduced to our grade.

As volleyball season approached, I was encouraged to try out for the team. I gave it my all and I loved it. Feeling like part of a team and the camaraderie that was built… It felt right. I needed a group of girls that believed and encouraged me. As we grew closer to the announcing of the team, girls were eliminated, but I still stood. My confidence grew. Maybe I am good enough.

We were down to the final two that would be eliminated. The last practice, I pushed myself harder than I had ever worked for anything, hoping I was good enough to make the team. I wasn’t.

Next year, it was the same thing, but I was better prepared for it in my mind, because I was becoming an expert at not being good enough.

This is where the therapist comes in…

Why didn’t you make it?

I don’t know.

You didn’t ask?

No.

Then how would you know what to get better at?

(Blank stare)

What did you think about after you didn’t make it?

They had a near perfect season. I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have done as well, so it was better that I wasn’t on it.

In high school, my first P.E. teacher was the volleyball coach. While doing drills, she said to me, “I better see you trying out for the volleyball team.” That phrase made me feel like I had someone on my side and I wanted her approval. Ms. K was loved by everyone and she made sure to give kids tough love, but in a supportive way. I knew that I needed her. But, when volleyball tryouts came around, I went to the first couple of practices. After watching those around me, I made up an excuse to Ms. K on why I couldn’t try out and moved on. What I didn’t tell her was that I felt that I would never be as good as those other girls and could not face disappointment like that again, after working so hard to prove myself. One of the great things the next year in school, Ms. K gave her approval for me to have 7th period P.E., which was advanced volleyball.

You were only in that class if you were on any of the volleyball teams, or had serious potential. I was covered in bruises and my forearms were rock hard. I loved feeling like part of a team and for one period a school day, I was.

I never tried out for volleyball in high school, much to the dismay of the coach. They had a great season, and I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have.

However, I did try out for cheerleading. In freshman year, one of my bestfriends was a cheerleader. Since every little girl grows up thinking that cheerleading is for the elite special people, of course we all wanted to be cheerleaders. So, with the help of my bestfriend, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. Herkies, Toe Touch, Tuck Jump, Side and Front Hurdler… Back then, we didn’t have cell phones so we used the reflection from the sliding glass door to perfect our techniques.

Do you know what I wasn’t good at? Fake excitement. I did great in the group tryouts, the written test, you name it. But, when it came time for me to stand in front of the judges and perform by myself and get “excited” about a game that I could not see, I couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to show excitement.

I would not have thought that such minor issues from my school days would still have an effect on me. But, they helped to set a pattern on the way I view the world. Unfortunately, when I am not accepted by someone, I revert to the thinking, “I am not good enough.” There are other issues in life that led to this but these experiences stand out, and I’m not willing to talk about those.

woman walking with bicycle on ground road

It’s time to get off the bicycle, don’t you think?

What do you mean?

You are cycling the same words to yourself, that you are not good enough. You are.

Masculine Energy in Women

April 27, 2023

Based on that title, you are probably thinking, “Whaaaaaaat?”

I totally get that. A few weeks ago, I heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’ and thought it sounded intriguing, only to move on with my life and not give it a second thought. Until, a few days later while listening to a podcast about ‘The Office’… Melora Hardin who plays Jan Levinson (Gould), was asked why her and Steve Carrell (Michael Scott) had this weird chemistry and why did she think that Jan was attracted to Michael.

Melora explained how Jan was very independent, focusing on her career and climbing the corporate ladder. With Michael, she could let down her masculine energy and just be more feminine.

I am a huge fan of ‘The Office’ and while the Michael and Jan storyline was always fun to see, her explanation made sense. Plus, with it being the second time in a week that I had heard the phrase ‘masculine energy’, I figured it was the universe’s way of telling me to look in to this.

So, I did. And it was a lightbulb moment, or as Oprah likes to say, it was an “Ah-ha!” moment.

Do you relate to any of these below?

Woman with too much masculine energy in love relationships:

Difficulty expressing yourself
Come off as aggressive, authoritarian, micromanaging, controlling
Always in charge of arranging dates, making plans with others
Giving unwanted advice
Telling men that you don’t need their help
Trying to portray extreme independence
Problems with intimacy (receiving pleasure)

I have been single for a very long time, and I have learned how to take care of myself. Yay for the independence, right? I also have a tendency to tell men when they try and do things for me, “Shockingly, I have survived the majority of my life without you.” When I say this, I am not trying to come across as rude, I am wanting to make sure they are aware that I am not one of those needy women and I will take care of myself.

But, here’s a secret, I’m tired of trying to be so self sufficient.

troubled young woman near broken automobile in countryside during car accident

Woman with too much masculine energy in relationship with herself:

Disconnected from your emotions
Self-worth based on outside factors – material success, other people opinions
Overly self-critical
Always planning and organizing
Masculine body movements, posture, walk

I was honestly a bit surprised that “always planning and organizing” fell under a masculine trait. Then I started looking inward and realized that I have been the planner for so long that I am nervous when others do it. It’s not that I feel the need to be in charge, it’s just that if no one else is going to step up, I will get it figured out and done.

Another secret, I’m tired of always being the one to plan.

Woman with too much masculine energy in friendships:

Not feeling comfortable being vulnerable with feelings
Afraid of building deep connections
Appearing aloof, cold
Trying to impress, coming off as bragging
Difficulty with close physical affection

Some people will say that I have no problem with sharing my feelings and in some instances, that is true. I am an open book on some aspects. However, when it comes to my complete true feelings, I am not comfortable with sharing my vulnerability. Why? You will use all of that against me in due time, when you are tired of being friends with me. So, it’s easier to put on the persona of being “tough” and then I don’t have to worry about whether our friendship will last or not.

Third secret… I love nothing more than genuine conversation that involves being open, learning about another person, and creating a connection.

So, here we are wondering WHY a woman may experience too much masculine energy.

Having a mother or other female role model with too much masculine energy – Maybe you grew up with a mom that had to make all of the decisions at home while being the disciplinarian. If this is you, you grew up thinking this was normal.

Experience abuse or violence as a woman – Of course we are going to put on our protective armor now.

Living in a society that values and rewards masculine traits more than feminine ones – I lived in the South for over 20 years and surrounded by the military. Men = Respect. Women = There to take care of their man.

Taking on too many masculine roles in order to survive (e.g., being the breadwinner, single parent, taking care of others) – As a single mom without family near, I took care of myself and my children. There wasn’t anyone to take care of me. I had to set my feelings aside more often than not. If I hadn’t, I don’t know how I would have made it through life.

Time and again, a woman will exude masculine energy as a defense mechanism. Being raised in a dysfunctional home, experiencing childhood trauma, or feeling abandoned may cause women to put on the masculine energy shield like a medieval night puts on his armor… To protect our hearts.

Although masculine energy may appear as positive attributes such as being driven, hardworking, and independent, when it becomes our default way of thinking, we deny ourselves the proper care, soul nurturing, compassion and true connections that we crave. When we deny ourselves what our souls desire, we can become quite harsh and unyielding, as we protect ourselves too much.

If you related to any of this like I did, the lightbulb in your head is probably flashing and you are nodding your head in agreement. This is where you get to do your own searching as your journey is unique to you.

For myself, I started with a simple change…

I spoke up and told the man in my life that he needs to make more decisions for the week. This was suggested to me by a friend and it is two-fold – He gets to be the “man” in the relationship and I lessen my worries of disappointing another with my decision. I am one of the lucky ones that happens to have a man that is very easy going. While it is truly a blessing, there are a lot of times that I am the one stuck with making the decisions because he is okay with whatever I decide (within reason). Many women would prefer to be the decision makers, but for me, it causes a lot of stress.

If you are tired of always having to put on a tough exterior to show the world you are okay, it is okay to finally take your mask off. Be you. Find the person inside of you that you forgot about… Nurture her… Be your true self. As women, we shouldn’t have to act like men to accomplish what we want. There is power in being feminine. Be you!

Therapy Day 1 – I’m not good enough

April 25, 2023

Some words were said about me a couple of weeks ago that stung. Once again, I was informed that I wasn’t good enough. These words and who they came from hit me at the core and I have been on the verge of tears since that time. The tidal wave of tears finally hit yesterday as I had my first therapy appointment. But first, why did I decide to go to therapy?

I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of months. My insecurity has been pretty strong lately, from my own doing since I am truly my own worst enemy. Last week after no resolution or being able to get over my own feelings, I logged on to BetterHelp.com and answered the questions that range from age, relationship status, religion, and what made me login.

Not being sure if virtual therapy was going to be helpful since the connection I crave was not going to be in person, I was pleasantly surprised that I clicked with my therapist right away.

Her voice is comforting with a Jamaican dialect, and her smile is full of warmth and compassion, but the raised eyebrow lets you know that she is going to be straight forward.

We talked about my current relationship and how everything is generally great, but I am waiting for the final shoe to drop. She asked why I felt that way… “Because I’m not good enough.”

“You’ve been single for awhile.”

“Yes.”

“When is the last relationship you had for an extended amount of time?”

“Oh, I was in one for five and a half years.”

“What happened?”

“I wasn’t good enough.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Oh, no. Not at all. In fact, he is married now. The first time I saw his wife, because she was a friend of a friend, I knew right then and there that they would end up together because she was the type he belonged with.”

“You basically handed him to her. He stuck around for over five years. He thought you were good enough.”

We talked about other things from the past and that is when she stopped me.

“In five minutes, you have said that you weren’t good enough three different times.”

crop psychologist writing on clipboard during psychotherapy session

And this is why she is a therapist. Don’t get me wrong, I have known that I feel this way often. But, to have it called out to me is something different.

I always thought that childhood issues were something that you kept in your past and that as an adult, you make the choices for your reactions. I am realizing now that that is not the case. Somewhat of a trauma response, you learn how to act towards certain situations.

Just like the walls of a house are constructed for protection, we also build walls to protect ourselves. If it is something that we have been doing since childhood, we feel it is normal and keep going on with life.

When something else happens to “verify” that I am not good enough, I either add another brick to my wall or maybe throw on some extra plaster to make sure that it is not going anywhere.

stone castle with green grass front yard

Except, my real life is not like Cinderella sitting in a castle waiting to be rescued.

Last night after my first therapy session, I was emotionally exhausted. I had ugly cried. It wasn’t because my feelings were hurt, it was because finally someone could help me make sense out of them. I have other aspects of the conversation that I need to unpack, and I will. I finally felt validated, that there was a reason why I never felt good enough, and why I protect my heart.

My homework for the week – to be mindful. When I am feeling a certain way, I need to be mindful of what led up to it. I also need to be mindful of my actions towards others, and my response in the situation.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what it will take for my wall to come down, if it ever will. In certain relationships, I will work at not being on guard so much, because I truly do value those relationships that are REAL and have a strong connection. With those that judge me, I am going to work on letting that not bother me. What they think of me is THEIR choice, and one day I will realize that I am good enough.

But, do I really even want to subject myself to anyone that may feel that I am not good enough? WHY would I want to fight for myself to be a part of that?

I guess that is a good topic for Therapy on Day 2.

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