June 2023 – Swimming With The Rain

Good Conversation Makes Me Happy

June 6, 2023

I struggle these days with making good connections. I would say that my internet does, also, but I live in the middle of nowhere and internet is not an option. So, back to making good connections…

I would rather sit by myself in my own little world than fake a happy attitude, hence why I have been keeping myself away from people. Trust me, I understand that not all conversations are going to be happy. But, it’s the people that those conversations are with, and I was reminded of that last night.

family celebrating christmas dinner while taking selfie

Everything about the evening lined up perfectly… A nice restaurant with an amazing view, the outdoor terrace with umbrellas offering shade, a fountain to add a bit of water sound, a slight breeze to offset the warm summer air… And people that were happy to see each other, that makes quite a difference!

I don’t know if I can even remember all that was said. A few of us used to work together and since we know each other’s families, conversation was not strained. Group conversations, side conversations, laughter, lots of, “Remember when…” Greeting late comers with a hug and a “So good to see you!” and truly meaning it. We talked of kids, our careers, wondering where so and so is now, reminiscing over the workplace hell we left behind.

For a couple of hours, I was reminded that I am liked, and I really needed that. I remembered what a difference I made in the lives of others and how thankful I am that although we no longer work together, we have a bond that we can jump back in to.

With promises of we’ll do this again, group photos, and selfies taken care of, we hugged each person as we started back in to our own lives.

happy relatives meeting together on weekends

When thinking of my priorities in life, good conversation needs to be at the top. I left the event with a smile on my face knowing that these are people that I truly enjoy being with, and I value their input because they have taken the time to get to know me, as I have them. They ask questions, not just tell stories… They express warmth, not judgement. They laugh, not tell a competing story.

These are the conversations that I need in my life. The ones that make you feel invigorated afterwards. The ones that give you confidence.

The ones that make my heart happy.

Life

Am I Hypersensitive?

June 2, 2023

My therapist brought this up during my Day 5 conversation with her and then on Day 6. Knowing that someone has finally validated that I am sensitive has a calming effect, and now that I know what to look out for, I can be more aware of my reactions. As my therapist said, my reactions lead to a lot of irrational thinking and I begin to believe these negative thoughts.

Below are questions that are used to determine Hypersensitivity that I relate to. Some outlets have you just marking yes or no, some have you giving levels of 1 (Not at All) up to 7 (Extremely). I encourage you to google these questions and review additional ones that you may relate to.

Are you easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input? From Webmd – Sensory overload is when your five senses — sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste — take in more information than your brain can process. When your brain is overwhelmed by this input, it enters fight, flight, or freeze mode in response to what feels like a crisis, making you feel unsafe or even panicky. Well, that would be a big fat yes! Something I was telling a friend yesterday – Back when I still smoked, that was always an excuse for me to walk away from a situation and take a break. I could regroup, have some peace and quiet, and come back with a clear mind. These days, I don’t have that option. When there is too much going on, I want to yell STOP, but that generally isn’t acceptable. What I need to learn to say to people is, “I need a moment, please”, and then step away from the situation.

Do you seem to be aware of subtleties in your environment? I am generally fully aware of what is going on around me and vigilant about keeping an eye out. I miss being able to go to a restaurant and only focus on the person in front of me.

Do other people’s moods affect you? Very much so! I wish it wasn’t so. Being around negative people exhausts me. And not just in the exhausts eye roll type of thing… I am worn down after dealing with these people.

woman in blue dress sitting on couch near the window

Do you find yourself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where you can have some privacy and relief from stimulation? Absofreakinglutely!!! One thing I learned in 2015 was to give myself ONE DAY a weekend to do absolutely nothing, it was my choice on what to do, which meant that I was on the couch watching movies, reading, or catching up on tv shows. It was my time to recharge. This was much easier when I wasn’t in a relationship because I didn’t have someone else to worry about. These days, it is harder to achieve my recharge days. But, I am thankful that my other person is now understanding this about me and gives me that time. Of course, he then gets to tinker in the garage so it’s a win win for both!

Are you easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by? The funny thing is, only the fabric thing affects me, and it’s only from time to time. I remember back in high school, I had a favorite sweater. It was white, and had a wide black horizontal strip under my breasts, along with the popped up collar. What can I say, it was the late 80’s. There were days that I would put this sweater on and feel great. But, if I put on the sweater when I was in a solemn teenage girl mood, the feeling of it would bother me all day and I would feel overwhelmed with tension. I have finally learned this lesson and when getting dressed, if the favorite clothes do not feel right that day, I immediately change.

Do you have a rich, complex inner life? I have always been a daydreamer, it is where I go to escape in to my own head. It is where I can forget about the life in front of me, and wonder what a different life would be like. I will be honest here and say that I do not dream of a different life often anymore. Yay me! However, I am generally comfortable in my own thoughts and can handle complete silence as I think about different things that I have read, podcasts I have listened to, conversations I was a part of.

Does your nervous system sometimes feel so frazzled that you just have to go off by yourself? Remember when I mentioned above that smoking by myself was a good getaway… I have a bad habit now of when having an argument, I walk out. I drive off. I calm down and process and then I come back. It’s a bad habit and I would love to be able to quit doing it. But, I was never taught how to have a good “argument”. Growing up, you sat still and took what was said. If you spoke up, it was seen as arguing. As a young married woman, my ex-husband had a habit of leaving bruises on me. I continued to sit still and take it. So, when I am being chastised, I want out. I am not confident enough to handle it, so I run.

Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? IF I have enough time to visualize and become comfortable with the steps in my head of what needs to be done, I am generally okay. Just don’t get in my way so I can focus and give me quick answers to my questions so I can move on.

Are you annoyed when people try to get you to do too many things at once? Yes. Let’s focus on what is right in front of us and then move on. If I am given a list of 10 things that need to be done right now, I get frazzled trying to figure out the priority or how to make all of this work at once.

Do changes in your life shake you up? Yes. I was told a long time ago that I do not like change. I was raised with the mentality that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I am weary of changes to the point that I am distrustful. Even in my work life, if a company I work with often changes their website, it bothers me and I quit using it. Adapting to change is not always easy for me.

Do you notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art? That is a very large yes! A year or so ago, the man and I went a Vangogh exhibit and I was completely mesmerized! The art was reflected everywhere on the walls and floor, while music played. The emotions were so strong and I stared wide eyed all around me, soaking in this moment. I loved it so much and wanted to go again. The next time we went, people around us were laughing and talking. I was overcome with such anger towards them for interrupting this moment and could not understand how they didn’t feel the same type of amazement as I did. I tried to push the anger down, but I couldn’t.

Do you find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once? I used to thrive on chaos and multiple things going on at once, proud that I could be here and be there, and get things done for everyone. Then when I started having panic attacks and went in to a solitude state, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I was doing so many things for everyone else, except myself. So, call me selfish, but I now need to re-focus on MYSELF.

Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations? Most definitely. While I know that death is a part of life, I have no problem dealing with that aspect, such as being there for a dyeing person. But, to sit down and have a talk with someone that doesn’t like me or to be in a room with them, no thank you. It stresses me out just thinking about it. In some situations, I am the type that will say, “One… Two… Three… Go!” But, if I’m going to feel uncomfortable and lectured, no. I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough so why am I now going to sit there and let you once again put me back in to my childhood insecurities? It’s not going to happen.

When you were a child, did parents or teachers seem to see you as sensitive or shy? If I could count the amount of times that I was told that I was too sensitive (as a child and as an adult), I would be incredibly wealthy.

upset little girl sitting near crop woman in classroom

If you have come this far in reading, thank you for taking the time to read about me trying to figure myself out. It’s not easy, but it’s been enlightening. If you are wondering WHY I share this information, it’s because I have found comfort when I feel like I am not alone with my feelings. And if you feel like you have too many emotions or if you are trying to figure yourself out, too, you are not alone.

Good Conversation Makes Me Happy

Am I Hypersensitive?

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