May 2023 – Swimming With The Rain

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

May 26, 2023

“If I see only my bias, I have surrendered to a single myopic lens through which to view the world.” Craig D. Lounsbrough

I had no idea where therapy was going to lead me on Day 5. I knew that I wanted to talk about my emotions, why I take things so personally, and how I could work on that.

Let me jump in and explain how I feel about emotions… My emotions are BIG. When I get sad, I cry. When I am upset, I build up resentment. When angry, I say things I shouldn’t. On the flip side of that is my happiness emotion. When I’m happy, I smile, laugh, and dance. When I love, I love with all of my heart.

So, no matter which side of the coin my emotions are on, they are big. If I show a lot of emotion when sad, you better believe I will show a lot of emotion when happy. And I love being happy!

We talked about different things in the last week and a half, including conversations with family, and my reaction to different things lately.

I play “devil’s advocate” often when talking with people. Not in a rude way, just discussing “what if” and thinking things through. While I am trying to get back in to a positive mind set, I failed to do that when I sent out Mother’s Day cards, not thinking that anyone would react anyway except positive.

You see, I am a card person and my goal this year was to send out more cards. I think that mailboxes are too full of junk and cards make people smile. I have a box of blank birthday cards and a box of blank note cards. For Mother’s Day, I ordered a box of 20 blank cards and decided that I would send them out to friends and family, to not only wish them Happy Mother’s Day but to spread a bit of happiness. I heard from quite a few that thanked me for the card and I remembered how giving is more rewarding than receiving and I felt happy. I felt like I was getting back to the positive version of me.

Until I heard from one person that was not happy about receiving a card from me. In that instance, all the happiness I felt was wiped away.

happy mothers day card beside pen macaroons flowers and box near coffee cup with saucer

When you sent the cards, what reactions were you expecting?

I don’t know. Nothing bad.

Did you think of it from her point of view and how she would feel getting a card from someone she didn’t like too well?

No, I thought of it as doing something nice, and also partially extending an olive branch.

What would you have done if you received a card from someone you didn’t like very much?

It depends. I would have either tossed it aside and said WTF or sat on it for a bit and maybe reached out if I felt like the relationship was worth repairing.

What would you have said if you were the one reaching out?

I would have said thank you and asked how they were doing.

You wouldn’t have acknowledged the argument?

Nope. I don’t like confrontation. At some point, you have to extend warmth to the person and move on.

But, not everyone thinks like you. Everyone reacts differently and you need to not have myopic vision.

Myopic Vision – Myopia… Nearsightedness. You can see things close, but not far away.

Have you ever worked to build anything?

Yes, my ceiling fan about 5 years ago. I wanted one in my bedroom and a friend of mine at the time took the ceiling light down but couldn’t figure out how to put the fan up.

How did you go about doing it and how long did it take?

I watched a lot of youtube videos. A co-worker of mine, he had put several up before and he gave me some pointers on what to expect. He even took his down at home to take a picture of the inside of the ceiling. After a couple of weeks as I felt better prepared, I shut the power off and spent a couple hours doing it myself.

How did you feel when it was done?

Great. Empowered. Confident because I worked so hard to put it together and I was proud of myself.

So, why should you or another person feel better instantly if just putting up a simple ceiling fan took a couple weeks?

woman in white long sleeve holding wooden paint brush

And that is when I just stared in to the oblivion thinking, “She has a point.” If I had to prepare myself with knowledge and confidence before putting up a ceiling fan, why would I think that relationship problems could be solved instantly.

It was rather enlightening and while I sit on this a bit longer and continue to put it all together, I would just like to remind you (and myself) to keep an eye out on the bigger picture. Relationship issues do not affect JUST YOU. They can affect an office full of co-workers, your marriage, family dynamics… Before reacting to something, stop and think about how this will affect everything further out, not just right in front of you.

Life

Are dogs treated better than people?

May 15, 2023

Random thoughts pop in to my head. Not sure if you are like this. Today’s random thought… Do we treat dogs better than some people?

Let’s think about it this way… We all see the videos about dogs in shelters and it just breaks our hearts when they are aggressive or scared. (We’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin stuff here, because that will make me want to cry.)

During the video, we hear a voice explaining about their first time meeting the scraggly dog… how timid Fido is, how the previous owner didn’t treat them well, finally abandoned because they were not loved.

Oh, how our hearts break while we watch this scared dog with visible scars being lifted in to the vehicle to be taken to their “furever home”. Some videos show how the owners worked with the dog for quite awhile to develop trust, reassuring the pup that they are loved, that they won’t be beaten or left without food.

By the end of the video, we see the dog happy and giving lots of kisses and snuggled up to the one that saved them. We wipe away a stray tear or two and post it on facebook saying, “I’m not crying, you’re crying.” We root for these neglected animals and we want them to feel all the love in the world.

But, what about people? What about the person that has been neglected? What about the person that has been told time and time again that they are unlovable, that they are not wanted, left to fend for themselves… I’m not talking about the homeless people (just like we’re not talking about Sarah McLaughlin).

Why do we not have patience with people when they are struggling? Why do we not show them the same compassion?

We walk past the downhearted, referring to them as difficult to deal with, a bitch, selfish, not worth the time. Or we give them one shot, only to decide it’s just too much time to invest. People, just like dogs, do not heal instantly. When you tell a dog, “I will take care of you and love you forever”, do they instantly feel better? No. So, why do we expect people to feel better after we tell them this once?

I hope that if you ever deal with someone that feels unloved, you will have the same patience with them as you do a dog that needs your love.

That’s it. I just wanted to put this thought in to words and reflect on it some more.

Life

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

May 12, 2023

Here’s what I am realizing about therapy, when random questions are asked, they are not random. It’s like magic when they ask a question and all of a sudden, the filing cabinets in your brain start to open and all of these memories come flooding out.

The magic question – “What were your birthday’s like for you?”

We talked about my constant fear of being judged, even by those that love me. One thing I will discuss here is my ex-husband. After a wedding reception, my husband (at the time) told me that I move my hips too much. This was coming from a Latin man whose culture is constant hip motion when dancing. So, I quit dancing with him. My own husband could not accept me.

I have lived my life being judged. My weight (even when it was low, I was teased), my nose, my grades, my driving, my choices in who I dated, the raising of my children. But, when you have felt this way for over 40 years, it is a hard habit to break.

Some women, myself included, do not like being celebrated on their birthdays. It has nothing to do with the fear of growing older, it has to do with being made to feel like it is a hassle to celebrate on the big day.

“I don’t like this restaurant, I’m not sure why you picked here.”

“Oh, now we have to buy you a gift.”

“I couldn’t think of what to get you, so here.”

“Why are we doing this after work, I’m exhausted at the end of the day.”

“I don’t like that flavor of ice cream.”

I broke down crying and said, “All I wanted was ONE day to feel special. Like I mattered.”

Well, here we are. Getting all of this off my chest felt like a weight lifted and now that I have been able to vocalize my fear of being judged, but yet wanting to feel special (but judged for wanting to feel special), I feel more confident. Now that I am beginning to understand the basis of my problems, I can work on moving away from them.

While I understand that my problems may seem trivial to what is out there with others. I have not shared publicly what my issues stem from, nor have I shared what those issues are.

However, I can assure you that girls that do not grow up confident that they are loved, will make a lot of stupid decisions in life when they are looking for it.

woman in gray jacket and white skirt standing on stairs

So, let her dance the night away, let her blow out her candles by herself, let her be excited that she is getting her choice of cake, be excited that you get to have dinner with her that evening, don’t make fun of her when she is embarrassed that people are singing to her, put thought in to the gift so that she knows you are excited to have picked it out for her… At least on that one day a year, focus on HER. Be excited that you are part of her life and that she wants to celebrate with YOU.

God

Angel Numbers

May 10, 2023

I had just made my lunch, sat down with a fork in my hand, tapped on my phone to see the time, and what did I see? 1:11! I was excited to seeing these numbers and knew that it was God’s way of waving, winking, and saying hello.

Up until a couple of years ago, I had a post-it note on my office laptop to remind me of what each Angel Number was for. Since I am working on building back my peaceful inner dialogue, I knew that I needed to research this information again, because I love when I get these little hello’s from God.

white clouds and blue sky — ***I am very much a believer in God. I also believe that God shows himself in ways that YOU will understand, to draw you closer to Him.***

Time watching has always been a habit of mine. When telling a story, I will tell you that it was 3:17 when something happened, not 3:15 or a quarter after 3. When I see certain times, I think of people or holidays. 2:18, my oldest son’s date of birth. 12:25, Merry Christmas! 3:02, Happy Birthday to my mom. And if I think of you when I see your date of birth or partial phone number, just know that I said a prayer for you.

So, if you want to see a few God winks or when He says hello, take a look and maybe incorporate some of these in to your thought process. Still thinking that Angel Numbers are against your religion or might be bad juju? Well, I bet you have a lucky number, right? Is it really your lucky number or do you just feel confident with your choice… Go ahead, step back and allow God to say hello to you with a bit of inspiration.

Reminder – numbers must show in 3 or 4 increments. IE – 111, 2222

0 – New opportunities! You have a fresh start to create new adventures. Don’t be afraid to go big and go bold!

1 – New beginnings! Step in to your self-confidence, set an intention, and focus on yourself.

a close up shot of a child holding a number cutout

2 – Balance, Harmony, Alignment. You are exactly where you need to be and you should savor the moment.

3 – Creativity! Go ahead and shine with self-expression, embrace collaborative energy, and think outside the box.

4 – Stability and Inner Wisdom! Go ahead and trust yourself. You’ve been working hard in the right direction.

5 – Possible curveball! Embrace change and keep a positive mindset. Things may be happening behind the scenes, but you’re on the right path.

6 – Connect with your heart! Seek comfort, reframe from negative thoughts, and be kind to yourself. Choose how you want to interpret a situation and remember that everything happens for a reason.

7 – Lucky! Let go of your fears, listen to your instincts, trust in the universe, say a payer for good fortune.

8 – Abundance! Similar to the infinity symbol that continues like an endless flow of life, now is a good time to let the world know exactly what you want.

9 – Ending! That’s not a bad thing. A situation may soon be ending, or you are close to achieving a goal. It’s a great time to step outside of your comfort zone to make things happen and expand your horizons.

There are doubters in this world that will say that referring to Angel Numbers is a bit too new age for them, or it is for the “hippies”. Here is how I think it brings me peace… In the middle of my day when I am worried about life in general and wondering how I will get through certain things, when I see numbers that make me smile, that is what I do. It’s God reminding me that He is with me and that he has my back. God has a fun way of jumping in to our lives, if we will just watch out for it.

Life

Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle

May 9, 2023

Last week’s therapy session was insightful, and thankfully, not overly emotional. For years, I had the mindset of, “I’m good, but not good enough” and could trace it back to elementary school. The therapist and I dug a bit deeper and did determine how it came about, and a major one hit me pretty hard. While I understand that it was never intentional, it gave me a deeper understanding of how words and actions can have a lifelong impact on someone.

Something that we did discuss was quite interesting, my lack of speaking up for what I want. I was raised in the 70’s and 80’s, and it was seen as selfish to speak up and say, “This is what I want.” However, what I realize now is that I should have spoken up for what I did “need”.

My father used to have a funny saying, “Shit in one hand, want in the other. See which one fills up faster.”

As a child, I would always think, “I have a lot of wants, so that doesn’t make sense.” Trust me, I totally get where he is coming from, and I am sure that I may have used that phrase on my own kids from time to time. What I am realizing now, there is a difference between wants and needs.

Of course I wanted the cool Trapper Keeper binder that all the other kids had. But, I also needed reassurance, hugs, unconditional love, positive words, a place where I could feel like I belong and was accepted. I am not saying that I wasn’t given those things in some degrees. I’m expressing the difference between wants and needs.

In elementary, I generally had all A’s. B’s would pop in here and there, usually in Science and P.E. But, Spelling and Language Arts, those were my favorites. We had smart kids that left our class once a week to go to GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and yes, there was a bit of jealousy from all of us that wanted to be them. Every year in 4th, 5th, and 6th, I tested for this program, sure that I would soon be among my people.

young girl wearing white long sleeve shirt sitting on table

Each year, I was told that I was good, but not good enough.

Back to the speaking up… 7th grade volleyball… I had never played volleyball before but upon entering Junior High, this was part of P.E. and I loved it. Bump, set, spike. I was working on perfecting my bump and knew that both forearms should be used, how to angle my arms to make the ball go a certain way. Set… When done correctly, the ball feels as light as a feather when it touches your fingertips, to be pushed back up to the person ready to spike. Spiking is where I wasn’t very good. But, most of us at that time were still learning as it was a new sport introduced to our grade.

As volleyball season approached, I was encouraged to try out for the team. I gave it my all and I loved it. Feeling like part of a team and the camaraderie that was built… It felt right. I needed a group of girls that believed and encouraged me. As we grew closer to the announcing of the team, girls were eliminated, but I still stood. My confidence grew. Maybe I am good enough.

We were down to the final two that would be eliminated. The last practice, I pushed myself harder than I had ever worked for anything, hoping I was good enough to make the team. I wasn’t.

Next year, it was the same thing, but I was better prepared for it in my mind, because I was becoming an expert at not being good enough.

This is where the therapist comes in…

Why didn’t you make it?

I don’t know.

You didn’t ask?

No.

Then how would you know what to get better at?

(Blank stare)

What did you think about after you didn’t make it?

They had a near perfect season. I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have done as well, so it was better that I wasn’t on it.

In high school, my first P.E. teacher was the volleyball coach. While doing drills, she said to me, “I better see you trying out for the volleyball team.” That phrase made me feel like I had someone on my side and I wanted her approval. Ms. K was loved by everyone and she made sure to give kids tough love, but in a supportive way. I knew that I needed her. But, when volleyball tryouts came around, I went to the first couple of practices. After watching those around me, I made up an excuse to Ms. K on why I couldn’t try out and moved on. What I didn’t tell her was that I felt that I would never be as good as those other girls and could not face disappointment like that again, after working so hard to prove myself. One of the great things the next year in school, Ms. K gave her approval for me to have 7th period P.E., which was advanced volleyball.

You were only in that class if you were on any of the volleyball teams, or had serious potential. I was covered in bruises and my forearms were rock hard. I loved feeling like part of a team and for one period a school day, I was.

I never tried out for volleyball in high school, much to the dismay of the coach. They had a great season, and I knew that if I had been on that team, they would not have.

However, I did try out for cheerleading. In freshman year, one of my bestfriends was a cheerleader. Since every little girl grows up thinking that cheerleading is for the elite special people, of course we all wanted to be cheerleaders. So, with the help of my bestfriend, I practiced. And practiced. And practiced some more. Herkies, Toe Touch, Tuck Jump, Side and Front Hurdler… Back then, we didn’t have cell phones so we used the reflection from the sliding glass door to perfect our techniques.

Do you know what I wasn’t good at? Fake excitement. I did great in the group tryouts, the written test, you name it. But, when it came time for me to stand in front of the judges and perform by myself and get “excited” about a game that I could not see, I couldn’t do it. I was embarrassed to show excitement.

I would not have thought that such minor issues from my school days would still have an effect on me. But, they helped to set a pattern on the way I view the world. Unfortunately, when I am not accepted by someone, I revert to the thinking, “I am not good enough.” There are other issues in life that led to this but these experiences stand out, and I’m not willing to talk about those.

woman walking with bicycle on ground road

It’s time to get off the bicycle, don’t you think?

What do you mean?

You are cycling the same words to yourself, that you are not good enough. You are.

Therapy Day 5 – Myopic Vision

Are dogs treated better than people?

Therapy Day 3 – I just wanted to feel…

Angel Numbers

Therapy, Part 2 – Get Off the Bicycle

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