Gossip… It’s time to grow out of it.

March 28, 2023

I’ll be the first to admit that I knew “all” of the gossip at one time in my life. In high school, one of my teachers remarked that I seemed to know people were pregnant pretty quick. I laughed and told the teacher that I know a lot of things and in a joking manner, said, “I probably know they’re pregnant before they do.”

Time went on and I always knew that BIG things should be kept out of gossip. Yes, I know that sounds contradictory to what I explained about high school and I learned that teen pregnancy is a pretty huge deal and I should have kept my mouth shut. I grew out of it, thankfully. However, I’m noticing that some adult women STILL HAVE NOT. Because of that, in the past two years, I have taken my inner circle down so far that people wonder why I do not want to make friends.

Example #1 – A few years ago, while sitting around with several women, two women talked incessantly about another woman who wasn’t there. They acted like they were whispering, but a half dozen of us could clearly hear. Of course others started asking questions and I understood the phrase people use about cackling hens.

I already wasn’t a fan of Woman #1 anyways, but then as I sat back and listened, her only conversation topics were about other people, and she loved the attention. Woman #2 was almost just as bad, but I thought I could trust her more.

young stylish ladies gossiping and drinking coffee in cafe

A friend of both of these women asked why I didn’t like Woman #1. I flat out said, “She talks too much sh*t and needs to keep her mouth shut.”

Woman #2 and I grew a bit closer and in what I thought was in confidence, I expressed concern for a mutual acquaintance because of some Facebook posts I had seen. I had thoroughly enjoyed our mutual acquaintance and we always had great conversations when around each other – parenting, work, movies, single life; conversations that I would have liked to develop in to a friendship. However, I am sure that my concern was sent back to her because shortly after that, I noticed a difference when we were around each other. What did that tell me? That Woman #2 was just as bad as Woman #1. You see, I thought that Woman #2 and I were close and that we could actually talk openly with each other. I should have known that gossip is her conversation starter so instead of thinking about my concern, she shared it.

Example #2 – I started a new job almost 5 months ago and I absolutely love it. I work with four other women and we mainly all get along. Part of me would say that it’s because we are near the same age and that our maturity level is higher than women in their mid-20’s. The other part of me realizes that we all have things in common – Three out of five have been through a divorce and have all been single mom’s; Three out of five have been cheated on by their spouse. We all have kids. We have all been in our respective careers for over twenty years. We respect each other.

We collectively decided that a Happy Hour once a month would be a blast! The first time was fun and the conversation was great. Flash forward to the second one…

woman serving drinks on women sitting inside an establishment

Theresa begins to tell us about a well-known person in the area and the illegitimate child he fathered several years ago.

For some reason, this struck a nerve with me as she kept telling us stories about this man and the child, that she had heard from a friend of a friend of the mother’s. At first, we were all listening with intrigue. But, at some point while watching her, it started to bother me as she went too far and began theorizing about this or that. She was gossiping! And possibly lying! As I began to tune her out, I thought back to all of our conversations and began to realize that those were also gossip, “filling me in” about my fellow co-workers. Not to mention, her conversation starters are always about one of her son’s and his constant arguments with his baby mama… She thrives on the attention of her stories!

I’ve always known of this saying about gossip and never truly understood until I got older –

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

Then there is the one that people post on Facebook and always seem to think is funny –

“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.”

two women lying down on white bed while looking at each other

Here is my problem each time I see that quote… While we might laugh and talk about people, at what point are you going to take what I say and relay that to others? No, thank you.

I know I made mistakes in my life by sharing gossip about others. Here’s where I am at in my life… I tell my mother things and my man. That is about it. If you know that I spent time with someone and you ask me a nosey question about them, I know what you’re getting at, especially if you are the gossipy type. I don’t want my life to be surrounded by talking about people. Let’s have in-depth conversations, get to know each other, UNDERSTAND each other.

Because I will be the first to tell you that I know that I have been gossiped about. In fact, I have good friends that have said things about me. I’m aware of it. They’re not as much in the good friends category as they would like to think though. Do you know who I respect? The people that hear it and stop it. Not only that, but the people that ask me the truth. Because gossip is attention getting. The real story isn’t as thrilling as you would think.

Entertainment

Crash My Party by Luke Bryan

March 24, 2023

Every time this song comes on, I remember back to 2013 when it first came out. I told a male friend of mine how I thought it was kind of romantic. As the man that he is, he told me that it was a “bootie call” song. To this day, I still disagree with him.

Some will say it is stereotypical country and they refuse to listen…

Some diehard country fans will refer to it as “Bro-Country” and they’re not fans of the new stuff…

woman in purple sweater using a smartphone

Then there are those like me that find meanings in songs and drift away in to our own thoughts thinking about it.

“It don’t matter what plans I got, I can break ’em
Yeah, I can turn this thing around at the next red light
And I don’t mind telling all the guys “I can’t meet ’em”
Hell, we can all go raise some hell on any other night”

What girl doesn’t want a guy looking at her, basically saying, YOU ARE MY PRIORITY! He is telling her that no matter what, he will drop every thing and go to her. Here’s the important part – he will not make her feel guilty about it.

“If it’s 2 in the morning and you’re feeling lonely and wondering what I’m doing….

Go ahead and call me, call me, call me you don’t have to worry ’bout it baby
You can wake me up in the dead of the night, wreck my plans, baby that’s alright”

As a woman that has been through relationships and never truly made to feel like a priority, this is what I would want to hear from a man. He is allowing her to be her. He knows that she has an independent soul, and he gives her the space that she needs, but makes sure that she knows, he is always there for her.

The next time you hear the song, listen to it with that thought in mind…

If you’ve never heard it, google the song and watch the video. Not only is the very handsome Luke Bryan in the song, but so is his wife. If it was about “bootie calls”, would he really have her in there? I think not.

Men, make sure your woman knows that she is your priority.

That you will give up plans with your friends to be with her…

That she can call you at 2am to talk…

And women… If your man doesn’t agree with this, leave him and make your self a priority.

Friendship

Dear Sherrill

March 17, 2023

I found out this week that you passed away a couple of years ago and so many memories went through my mind…

We began working together in 1998, maybe 1999, and we immediately clicked. You were only a few years older than me and had served four years in the Air Force and then went in to the Reserves. Raised in South Florida (my husband at the time was from there) and you had been stationed in California when Active Duty (where I’m from), so that immediately bonded us. Not to mention, we shared the same middle name. Things that seem trivial, but when you’re in your young 20’s, you grasp on to anything.

Our conversations at work were always so completely open and we talked about anything and everything…

Sometimes deep thoughts, funny gossip about other people, sometimes about our struggles growing up, my married life, your single life, what we thought the future held for us. On one Friday night every month, our department all went to dinner, then a nightclub, and our friendship felt like it had always been there as we danced without a care in the world while drinking and laughing. Your code at work was 976 so we often laughed and said, 976 BABE (from Pretty Woman) or call you “Sha-rell”, a play on the spelling of your name which is actually pronounced Cheryl.

A conversation that always stood out to me and always lingered through your life, was your mother struggling with deep depression. I believe she took her own life at some point before we met, and you were aware that you had also been afflicted with this disease, but felt you could keep ahold of it. Often, I would see you staring off, focusing on nothing. You needed reassurance in life that you were loved, and you gave love in return, never judging.

You fell in love with Derek, who also worked with us, but his feelings were not reciprocated. Somewhere in your heart, you knew this, but you were convinced he would, if only… I remember you thinking that he would now fall in love with you. He didn’t. Yet, you would still go to him when he asked… Sometimes returning full of hope, sometimes with heartbreak.

You glowed while pregnant and all of us, except Derek, did everything we could to keep you upbeat. Not only were you struggling with being single and having a child without support from the father, but you were having a bi-racial child, and your own father was having a hard time accepting that. At work with over 100 employees, most knew who the father was and you felt judged. But, we became your support team, standing up to others, making you feel safe.

Finally, that sweet baby boy came along and you finally knew the true meaning of love.

cute little baby drinking milk from bottle

Some would say you struggled with post partum depression. Those close to you knew that you were struggling with not being loved by Derek or he accepting his child. We stepped in and did our best to make sure that child felt so much love. If you needed a babysitter, one of us would step in. My husband at the time often watched him on the weekends if you were working or had Reserves. I loved holding your baby and spoiling him the way we do other people’s kids.

Maybe a year or so later, you moved to the outskirts of Chicago to live with a friend, hoping to start fresh and not have a constant reminder of Derek not loving your newly created family. We talked almost every day and I could still hear the sadness in your voice. Being in a new place is lonely, especially when you do not have confidence in yourself. You and the baby stayed sheltered in your room, not wanting to cause a disturbance to your roommate. Slowly, the loneliness took a bigger hold and you attempted to take your own life. God wasn’t ready for you yet and when your phone rang, you answered. Immediately, the angel on the phone knew something was wrong and called 911.

A few weeks later, your angel suggested you move to Oklahoma to be near him, so he could be there for you and the baby. This man loved you so very much, always had, and although you loved him as a very dear friend, you were wanting the fireworks you had felt with Derek. Yet, he was still there for you. He would keep the baby overnight, have dinner ready for the three of you, join on walks to the park, watch cheesy tv shows with you, hold you when you cried, celebrate raises at work… Everything you wanted out of Derek.

You and the baby came back for a quick visit to see family and hopefully for Derek’s acceptance. I was no longer married, but was going through my own struggles of being a single pregnant mom. Being around you again, it didn’t feel like any time had lapsed, but that sweet baby was now around 3 and was such a good kid. Yet, we both knew that something was still missing from your life.

After the two of you headed back to Oklahoma, we still kept in touch but the phone calls seemed to become more sporadic and I often received your voicemail, with no return phone call.

I had your angel’s phone number and would check in with him to see if you were okay. He assured me that you were but that you still struggled.

Time went on and the phone calls stopped. On occasion, I would google your name and you were still in Oklahoma. I found an email address for you and sent one letting you know what was going on in my life, but there was no reply. When Facebook came around, I found you and sent a friend request that went unanswered. Four years later, I sent a Facebook message saying, “I found you. Yay! Call me. Here’s my number.” Of course I stalked what I could see on your page and that baby was now a teenager, active in sports. You still looked the same with your auburn hair color and lots of black eyeliner.

To this day, each time I hear the song, “Truly, Madly, Deeply” by Savage Garden, I think of you. That was your song to Derek and you had even left the lyrics for him to find on his pillow case. Through the years, I would say a quiet prayer for you when the song played and wonder how you were doing. I gave up trying to reach out or google you, figuring that if you had the urge to talk, you would find me. I also knew that I was a reminder of your past, and sometimes, it is better to walk away from those people.

This week while looking through Facebook messages, I went to the Spam folder. I do this periodically to see if there is anything I missed. I laughed while I kept scrolling because there were messages from fake accounts asking if I would care for a chat, a wave emoji, and one even told me that I had beautiful feet. Then I saw the message that I sent you on November 13th, 2013, unread. I clicked on the view profile button, and I was informed that your profile wasn’t visible. Of course I was saddened that you would block me, but I also remember that you probably had to do it to escape your past, and I understood. If we had been able to talk, we would have talked about the past. When we are trying to create a new life for ourselves, talking about painful memories can take us down a hole that we may have a hard time crawling out of.

I typed your name in to Google and saw that you were listed as an Administrative Executive on LinkedIn in Wyoming of all places. LinkedIn showed that you hadn’t posted in awhile, which isn’t uncommon for most people. Back to Google and now adding in Wyoming. Up pops an announcement from a funeral home. You passed away on August 20th, 2021. No, this cannot be you. There wasn’t a full obituary so I was unable to confirm it was you, so I still had hopeful doubt. However, under the guestbook, there was one entry and it was from your angel.

“Sherrill, As you close your eyes in rest, may all your pain and troubles be lost forever. May you find paradises and a world of eternal life…May your soul Rest In Peace!”

He sent prayers to your son and your brother, with their names mentioned. That is when I knew it was you…

My focus became determining what happened in those missing years. In 2018, you fell in love with a man that served in the Army for 3 years, and became engaged. His obituary from September 23rd, 2019 tells the love story of you falling in love with his rugged good looks and his intelligence. It goes on to say that you two were looking forward to marrying and spending the rest of your lives together, and that he loved you fiercely, carrying that in your heart and soul forever. I’m not sure how or why he passed away, but that you were by his side. You carried that love for two days shy of 23 months. Grieving with a broken heart is hard to do for even the average person, but for you, your heart could not be fixed.

Sherrill, I looked up your son on Facebook. He looks like you. His profile picture shows him smiling with his arms around a young lady. He’s in the Army. I messaged your angel and your son through Messenger immediately upon seeing your announcement and although I do not expect them to find my words anytime soon, maybe one day, they will come across it when they need it. I also found a photo of you and your fiance standing in front of Mount Rushmore. He’s staring at the camera, while you are resting your head on his shoulder looking off. You hadn’t changed in all those years.

I cannot imagine the struggles you went through in life, that you felt you needed to fight on your own. And although you only had a year with the love of your life, I am happy that you were able to experience someone that loved you for you. I know that the loss was overwhelming and I wish that you had been strong enough to see your son start a family of his own, I understand that you felt this was your only option.

I will continue to remember you each time I hear the numbers 976 or the song by Savage Garden. I’m sorry that you struggled. I’m sorry that we didn’t keep in touch. I’m sorry that you felt this was the way out. I’m sorry that you didn’t know the impact you made on others. Thank you for being my friend all those years ago.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support. https://988lifeline.org/

All me

Dear Men, Don’t Be Creepy

March 10, 2023

While scrolling through my notes section in my phone, I came across this from a few years ago. I think of the issue with my bosses often and wish that more men would be aware of the culture they are creating.

There was a man at the gym this morning that really made me feel uncomfortable. We walked in at the same time, exchanged good mornings… Then he said, “There’s that smile I love.”

sporty woman exercising on elliptical trainer machine

In my head, I thought,

“Who the $&!% are you? I’ve never seen you.”

A few minutes later, I choose the elliptical that is last in line and guess who goes to the one right next to mine when there are six others to choose from? As I was turning my headphones on and syncing up the Bluetooth, he offered to wipe down my machine. Politely I said, “No thank you. I’m good”, because I was taught to be polite. He walked about 10 feet away and started doing some stretches so his machine looked unoccupied. Whew! Until another gentleman came walking up to hit and then creepy guy jumped up to claim it. What did I do? I stopped my machine, cleaned it off and walked away.

The man that had walked up, I didn’t get creepy vibes from him at all. In fact, I was thankful he came up, as if he was giving me a buffer. But, as I walked over to a tri-cep machine, I felt creepy guy looking at me. He then went to a machine that faces the mirrors and I still felt highly uncomfortable. I did my reps and went to another and was facing a co-worker of mine who was about 15 feet away. We made eye contact and I motioned my eyes to the guy then made a shivering movement. Not only did she understand what I meant but the Special Ops looking guy that was on another treadmill must have, also, because I saw his posture change. At that moment, I felt safe.

So, creepy guy left the gym after only being there less than 15 minutes…

Why am I telling you this? Because it has dawned on me that most men, just don’t get it. Men are naturally physically stronger than most women… I totally get that… But, I am 5ft 4in and while I would put up a fight, chances are… The man will overpower me. That is what women deal with ALL THE TIME!

I kept working out, but my mind went back to YEARS ago when I had a very creepy client that I just couldn’t deal with any longer. He was in his 60’s, with dyed jet black hair and he would make comments to me about “making love”.

woman filling job application form in office with boss

I finally went to my boss and said, “Michael, can you PLEASE have someone else take over his accounts? He gives me serious heebie jeebies.” I was laughingly told, “Oh, he’s harmless!” My reply, “He offers to sing me songs about making love.” The boss laughed again and said, “He pays his bills. Suck it up.”

My mind then wandered to a few years ago when another male client that gave me the same feeling entered my office. He would call me darlin’, sweetie, honey… But, I remembered my boss from years ago telling me to suck it up because he pays his bills. So, I did. I acted very professional, and discussed the matters we needed to. Yet… He would still come in or call with questions for me… And each time, my guard went up. Imagine when a few months later, I hear from my boss that the client sent an email letting my boss know that I am not very friendly and that he “must remind her of some ex-boyfriend that talked down to her”. Yes, you jerk! You do!!!! I explained to my boss that he just gives me heebie jeebies and I just can’t.

“You have to act professional.”

“I am.”

“You have to be nice.”

“I can’t.”

“You’re making too big of a deal about this.”

positive ethnic boss using laptop in light office

Luckily, he was switched to a different rep and funnily enough, he quit coming in often with random questions. However, the results are two fold… On one hand, I had women in my office thank me for trying to tell the boss about this guy because they were all creeped out by him, too. But, on the other hand, my boss treated me different after that and I knew that some of his respect for me had left.

Here is what I am getting at… Men, pay attention!

First of all, I’m hoping you are not that creepy guy, but if you are, STOP! But, if you are that co-worker, boss, family member, fellow gym person, male friend… PAY ATTENTION!

If a woman says that a man makes her feel uncomfortable PLEASE do not brush her off. Accept what she is saying and acknowledge it. Do not make her feel like less of a person.

Step in.

Protect me.

Make me feel like I am safe.

Because the threat is real… And it has gone on too long.

While editing this piece, I felt my heartrate speed up and the anxiety started to take hold. I never want another woman to ever feel like I felt. If you are a male boss, support your female employees. If they feel uncomfortable, acknowledge it and make sure they feel heard.

Holidays

International Women’s Day

March 8, 2023

Today is International Women’s Day and if you need inspiration for a work meeting or even to inspire yourself, then you are at the perfect place!

After spending a year and a half in an HR position that involved a lot of employee motivation and working one on one with Senior Management with business needs, I began to see a trend with our employees… A lot of these young women lacked confidence in their abilities and were afraid to speak up. I’m not going to lie and say that I am the most confident person. I am finally, on the verge of 50, finding my own voice. This is in thanks to the young women that I worked with on a daily basis, and as I began to stand up for them, I needed to begin to stand up for myself.

Last year to celebrate International Women’s Day, around 15 of us squeezed in to our conference room that was intended for 10 people. Women all giggled when maneuvering around and were excited to have a moment without Senior Management around as intimidation. I started the meeting with telling them how thankful I was for all of them and how each made a difference in my day. I looked at each one and brought up a positive aspect, whether it was the spark they had during the interview, or how they helped out another co-worker. I was vulnerable for a moment and gave a bit of my personal background and assured each one that they had what it takes to succeed. “Because, if I can make it in life, so can you.”

I then brought up six talking points in hopes that it would make a change in our office, and slow down office gossip. It was important for these women to see that if we support each other, we will all feel empowered.

group of people watching gray laptop computer

Celebrate each others strengths and give praise. It’s contagious! I began to see women cheering for each other or walking by someone’s desk telling them “great job” or “thank you”.

Back each other up in meetings. This is a powerful one. During my meetings with Management, I was often the only woman in there. I understood what it felt like to not have an ally.

Include less experienced women in your projects. How else are we going to learn and expand our roles if someone doesn’t teach us?

Be approachable and offer help. One of the best compliments I had from an employee is when she told me that she told another employee, “Go see HR. She isn’t just there to hear work related things. She has really helped me in my personal life, also.”

positive businesswoman doing paperwork in office

Be open about your own vulnerabilities and failings. We think that successful women “just got there” or that they are special. Knowing the lengths that other women had to take to get to where they are inspires other women to know that their hard work will pay off.

Accept and embrace each others individuality. If everyone was the same, how boring would that be? Learn about other people and their cultures, hobbies, lifestyle. Keep learning.

What I did next seemed like a typical move for me, but my employees were not expecting it. I printed out the quotes below and had each one on individual pieces of paper, folded up, placed in a jar. As a firm believer in how things work out the way they are supposed to, I told each lady to reach in and grab the piece of paper that felt right to them and those would be their words. When it was over, it was truly amazing how each woman identified with “their” quote and several of them taped their quotes to their computer monitor as a daily reminder.

Feminism isn’t about making women strong. Women are already strong. It’s about changing the way the world perceives that strength. G.D. Anderson

There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself. Hannah Gadsby

The most important thing one woman can do for another is expand her sense of actual possibilities. Adrienne Rich

We realize the importance of our voice when we are silenced. Malala Yousafzai

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

We need to reshape our own perception of how we view ourselves. We have to step up as women and take the lead. Beyoncé

I do not wish women to have power over men; but over themselves.

Every woman’s success should be an inspiration to another. We’re strongest when we cheer each other on. Serena Williams

She wasn’t looking for a knight. She was looking for a sword. Atticus

Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim. Nora Ephron

Girls should never be afraid to be smart. Emma Watson

A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives it a wink. Gina Carey

Your life isn’t yours if you constantly care what others think. Unknown

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it. Margaret Fuller

A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her. Unknown

A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult. Melinda Gates

We all have a ‘Wonder Woman’ inside of us. Unknown

I want every girl to know that her voice can change the world. Malala

Real queens fix each other’s crowns. Unknown

There’s something about a woman with a loud mind that sits in silence, smiling, knowing she can crush you with the truth. R.G. Moon

A strong woman stands up for herself. A stronger woman stands up for everyone else. Unknown

You can always tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up instead of tearing each other down. Unknown

She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her. Rumi

It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire. Colette Werden

What’s the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one, she’s already had everything she needs within herself. It’s the world that convinced her she did not. Rupi Kaur

I know what I bring to the table… So trust me when I say I’m not afraid to eat alone. Unknown

Be the woman you needed as a girl. Unknown

And one day she discovered that she was fierce and strong and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back, because her passion burned brighter than her fears. Mark Anthony

I left that company seven months later. In fact, so did several other women as they became confident enough to speak up for themselves. The great thing is, I still hear from several of them as they have secured better jobs and found themselves deserving of a better life. I hold each of these ladies dear to my heart and although the company was awful to work for, these ladies helped me find myself and my voice and in turn, I helped them.